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AIBU?

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Original poster

To worry we gave away 100k of my inheritance!

1000 replies

howdidIgetthere · 09/09/2022 15:33

My DH thinks I am, but if I'm right then it's in his interest to say that!

Basically, we were in a pickle buying a house last year. We were consolidating houses with my DF to purchase a big house, and hoped that myself of my DF could be on the mortgage or deeds as a safety due to my DF helping with the deposit.

To cut a long story and identifying details this wasn't possible. Neither of us could be on a plausible mortgage, and the lenders wouldn't like us on the deeds either. But we needed a house. So as I was already engaged, we agreed between us that my DF would 'gift' 100k of inheritance to my DH so that he could solely purchase the house, but we would get married beforehand to safeguard my stake.

So we eloped without telling anyone else, my DF gifted the money and the house was purchased in my DH's name only. We had a proper wedding a few weeks after and all is well. As far as I know, because the house was purchased after marriage, I have a stake in the house should we divorce, and can get some of that value back in lieu of my inheritance/not be left with no money and nowhere to live.

However, since the purchase the house has had extensive renovations and its value is increasing significantly. I have noticed that my DH keeps referring to people that the purchase date was back in the summer, months before our marriage. I know for a fact from the deeds etc that the closing date was not until a month after we were married, when the funds were transferred. Before the marriage, the mortgage may just have been accepted, but zero money had been exchanged.

When I ask him about this he says iabu for questioning him, that yes he bought it before we got married ie he's taking the acceptance of an offer on the house as when he bought it. This is obviously very worrying for me, as if he bought it before we were married or some other loophole then in the case of divorce I have lost most of my inheritance and have no stake on the house!!!

I don't know why he is saying this as at the time he agreed it was the best option so that all parties were happy and protected. I have resisted a marital rights notice on the deeds, but otherwise I am still not on the deeds or the mortgage (I don't have a high enough income). So who is BU? Have we been misled and given away my inheritance, or is my DH wrong and for some reason trying to say something that's incorrect?

OP posts:
Dibbydoos · 10/09/2022 19:39

Your DH is a tw@t sorry, he is.

The house is bought when contracts are exchange and the sale completed. That doesn't happen on agreement if price, what an arse you've married. I hope he loves you....

I do hope it all works out.

Please consult a solicitor I'm not a solicitor, but you may be able to put a charge on the house so he can't sell without your agreement. You may not need that obvs.... I don't think you can get your full inheritance back but a solicitor will tell you this.

The no of women on here who trust others with their money is sadly unbelievable. :(

Money makes people do stupid things.. like marry you just for money. I hope your fears are unfounded, good luck x

Solonge · 10/09/2022 19:41

I don’t believe the mortgage lender wouldnt want you on the deeds….what does that matter….? Where you there when that was said?

HumphreysCorner · 10/09/2022 19:41

Who has the deeds at the moment? Have you seen them?

Original poster
howdidIgetthere · 10/09/2022 19:43

I don't think the broker was a friend but he's a local guy who had many phone conversations with my DH. I didn't like him at all he was very pushy and just seemed to want it done the quickest and easiest way rather than the way we said we wanted.

I have a copy of the deeds that land registry sent me when my marital rights was approved.

OP posts:
raffika · 10/09/2022 19:45

If your Dad gave your husband the money for the purchase, it creates a Resulting Trust.

Your Dad needs to take some legal advice ASAP, as it was his money. I’m sure you now realise that legal advice should have bee taken from the outset.

Getting married was not the way to protect the money as the starting point upon separation is 50/50, so £50k lost. Hopefully you can sort it out.

Kit7 · 10/09/2022 19:47

It sounds like your husband is messing you around a bit. Get all the data together or when funds were transferred when it completed etc - yourself- then go to citizens advice and see what the say. Then get legal advice if needed.

I think you should be ok as you have evidence and should you ever get divorced say in a few years you’ve also got evidence you lived there and there’s some protection around this even if your not married.

when we bought our first house in 2001 my wife was still at college and we weren’t married then for some reason we were told she couldn’t go on the deeds or mortgage and it didn’t change til we remortgaged 4 or do years later. We struggled to get a mortgage anyway so assume it was to do with the lenders risk due to my income being low at the time.

Still if you are worried which it sounds like you are then get some legal advice even just for peace of mind.

angela99999 · 10/09/2022 19:47

The date of completion is the date that matters, it doesn't matter when the offer was accepted.

AHG1234 · 10/09/2022 19:54

How clearly I remember one of our friends saying ‘What happens if one of you meets someone else?’ as we entered into a deed of trust buying a property with my in laws.
And what should come to pass…..?

CalamityCat · 10/09/2022 19:58

The relevant date for ownership is the date of completion so that was after you were married. However, as the purchase price was agreed when the offer was accepted, in a conversation about the increase in house prices the date the offer was accepted is the one to use. It sounded like it has nothing to do with when did the legal ownership happen but a discussion about how much it has gone up in value since you agreed to buy it - a completely different thing to when the sale completed.

elephantknees · 10/09/2022 20:00

OP does his ex have any input with her children? It is an unusual woman that bogs off leaving her children behind with a man who is very obviously in no way ideal parent material from what you tell us? Do the children talk about her. What reason did he give for the marriage break up and her going off without her dcs? Have you met her in all this time you have cared for her dcs?

Without being too alarmist the hairs on the back of my neck are tickling! Has he ever physically threatened you. Get your ducks in a row PDQ and remove yourself and your DC from this toxic environment, let your DF make his own arrangements with your abusive DH, he sold you into this crock of shite and does not deserve you anymore than your DH does.

HumphreysCorner · 10/09/2022 20:00

We only saw our deeds once the mortgage was paid off. The bank owned them until then.

HebeSunshine · 10/09/2022 20:03

howdidIgetthere · 10/09/2022 16:55

He calls me stupid a lot, thick, a bitch etc. I am not stupid whatsoever I outdo him intelligence wise in many areas actually!

Ok this thread has taken a weird turn. Also why this was posted in AIBU rather than money matters? Hmm.

Dreamtheimpossibledream · 10/09/2022 20:06

Forgive me - I haven't read through the thread in full, but to clear up some of the confusion:

(1) it is very unlikely that the mortgage provider will consent to the title of the property being in different names to the mortgage - so if you are not going on the mortgage I would not waste your time / money having a transfer deed drawn up (2) in any event you are married so whether the house is in your name / his name / joint names is completely irrelevant. It's the family home, it's the most 'matrimonial' of any asset, or would be shared on divorce (3) whether the property was purchased before or after the marriage is entirely irrelevant - this is a total red herring, if it was before it was very shortly before, you were living together anyway, and you live there now. there can be no sensible legal argument that you should not share the property. (4) short of him signing a declaration of trust suggesting your dad owns 100k of the family home I can't see how how can pursue it. It's either a loan from your dad, a property investment by your dad or a gift. You've been clear it was a gift. There is no evidence it was a loan or an investment and they are your dad's claims to make in any event. There is no point you signing a Dec trust saying the first 100k is yours as you are married and this is not binding on him.

hope that is helpful, and apologies if it repeats things said elsewhere in this thread!

brogueish · 10/09/2022 20:06

@howdidIgetthere
I am so sorry that you're in this awful situation. You sound like a smart, caring and kind person who has done nothing but try to do the best thing for your family and yourself.

There have been some nasty things said to you both on this thread and by your husband but they are not correct. You have come to this point with the best information that you had at the time, and have consistently looked for the positives in the situation with empathy for others. That shows an incredible strength of character and resilience. Despite what some pps have said, you have tried to stand up for yourself and take steps to protect yourself.

However, your husband is not a good man. I can't imagine a marriage in which the sole earner laughs and says "it's a secret" when asked about his will, or won't disclose his earnings/debts(?), or threatens divorce constantly. This is not a healthy, loving and equal relationship. But you know that already, which is why you started this thread. For your and your child's sake, you need to get out of this situation.

Great that you're talking to careers next week. I also suggest speaking to your student's union advice team too and see if they can provide any support/ideas about how you can exit.

I wish you well. There are so many years ahead of you to build your dream career, a successful business, complete further study, have more kids....but not with this man. You deserve SO much more.

Gemcat1 · 10/09/2022 20:14

I suspect that DH wants all of the money from the house in the event of a divorce thinking that, because only his name is on the deeds, that is what the court would see. Wrong. As the others have said, you need to seek advice from a solicitor to help you understand your legal rights. You need to do it on your own. Once you understand exactly what your rights are then you should speak to your husband about putting your name on the deeds. You should both draw up wills too. If hubby refuses to do what you are legally entitled to then you know where you stand with him. If he refuses then you need to consider what you want to do. Bear in mind that you will be entitled to part of the financial improvement to the property.

bluesapphire48 · 10/09/2022 20:18

You need to talk to a solicitor to find out what your rights are. Right away! Your name should have been on the property from all along, and you need to clarify. If it was money from YOUR inheritance, the fact he is a "high earner" and you are "just" a student is nonsense. Is that what HE is telling you?

Your DH sounds a little dodgy, and frankly, I don't think it is wise to talk to other people about one's finances in any case, but if he does and he is incorrect, with your solicitor's advice and approval, you should confront him about what he is telling people if it is incorrect.

That may not be the worst of it. What counts is what is in writing on a legal document, not what other people think. It's only fair that YOUR name should be on the deed if it was YOUR money. Who is "they" who has to "accept" your name on the deed?

ZorbaTheHoarder · 10/09/2022 20:23

OP, what does your father think about the way your husband speaks to you?

EmmaH2022 · 10/09/2022 20:29

OP I have only read your posts
I am utterly baffled how this happened but to me, it sounds like your husband has bought a house with money that your father - bizarrely - gave him.

Obviously you need legal advice but I'm afraid it sounds like you can't trust your father or your husband. I presume there must be a lot more to this than you are able to tell us.

For the love of everything, get the legal advice and review it alone - do not involve your husband or father.

BexW40 · 10/09/2022 20:36

I think I’d be more concerned that you’re thinking about “what if we divorce” already. But yeah get on the deeds.

Octomore · 10/09/2022 20:40

BexW40 · 10/09/2022 20:36

I think I’d be more concerned that you’re thinking about “what if we divorce” already. But yeah get on the deeds.

Er... her DH is using the threat of divorce to keep her in line. There's also emotional abuse and control. I'd say divorce is a sensible thing to be considering!

spoeke · 10/09/2022 20:41

This is all so so bizarre and I feel so sorry for the OP but am I the only one that's thinking that it might not be a coincidence that the OP is studying English, is thinking of pursuing a career in publishing or writing and is not wanting to disclose a number of things that would be 'too identifying'? Have I just watched too many terrible films to think there's something else going on here?!?

londonlass71 · 10/09/2022 20:47

Don't really get why you would even marry someone who verbally abuses you. How can you trust him with anything if he abuses you.

1000N · 10/09/2022 20:57

Why aren’t you in the deeds?
we are not married and we are both on the deed as equals 50/50…

SirVixofVixHall · 10/09/2022 20:57

So if the children are all under 13, and he works abroad all the time, where is their mother ? Who cared for them while he worked away, before you met ?
It all sounds very dubious and very strange. Plus the way he speaks to you, why on earth would you have a baby with a man who calls you a bitch etc ? Just why op? That is not normal in a marriage, even if we argue my husband would never, ever speak to me like that.
I don’t really buy the fact he is so important and such a high earner and yet couldn’t afford a £600,000 house without your Dad giving him a huge amount of money. Did your Dad gift this so that he could live with you ? You say he isn’t elderly, so why does he ?
It all reads like a sinister film plot. You need to get out.

Crazykatie · 10/09/2022 20:57

I am going to ask the OP directly are you South Asian Heritage maybe Indian, because all this sounds exactly what would happen in that culture and the £100k originated overseas

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