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AIBU?

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Original poster

To worry we gave away 100k of my inheritance!

1000 replies

howdidIgetthere · 09/09/2022 15:33

My DH thinks I am, but if I'm right then it's in his interest to say that!

Basically, we were in a pickle buying a house last year. We were consolidating houses with my DF to purchase a big house, and hoped that myself of my DF could be on the mortgage or deeds as a safety due to my DF helping with the deposit.

To cut a long story and identifying details this wasn't possible. Neither of us could be on a plausible mortgage, and the lenders wouldn't like us on the deeds either. But we needed a house. So as I was already engaged, we agreed between us that my DF would 'gift' 100k of inheritance to my DH so that he could solely purchase the house, but we would get married beforehand to safeguard my stake.

So we eloped without telling anyone else, my DF gifted the money and the house was purchased in my DH's name only. We had a proper wedding a few weeks after and all is well. As far as I know, because the house was purchased after marriage, I have a stake in the house should we divorce, and can get some of that value back in lieu of my inheritance/not be left with no money and nowhere to live.

However, since the purchase the house has had extensive renovations and its value is increasing significantly. I have noticed that my DH keeps referring to people that the purchase date was back in the summer, months before our marriage. I know for a fact from the deeds etc that the closing date was not until a month after we were married, when the funds were transferred. Before the marriage, the mortgage may just have been accepted, but zero money had been exchanged.

When I ask him about this he says iabu for questioning him, that yes he bought it before we got married ie he's taking the acceptance of an offer on the house as when he bought it. This is obviously very worrying for me, as if he bought it before we were married or some other loophole then in the case of divorce I have lost most of my inheritance and have no stake on the house!!!

I don't know why he is saying this as at the time he agreed it was the best option so that all parties were happy and protected. I have resisted a marital rights notice on the deeds, but otherwise I am still not on the deeds or the mortgage (I don't have a high enough income). So who is BU? Have we been misled and given away my inheritance, or is my DH wrong and for some reason trying to say something that's incorrect?

OP posts:
Cameleongirl · 10/09/2022 17:06

And please don’t have a child with him, you’ll be further tied to him through them.

NightmareSituation · 10/09/2022 17:08

The other issue you have is that should he die, the property would be split between those in his will. If that is not you or your children, you would have a fight on your hands contesting it.

Tomorrowisalatterday · 10/09/2022 17:08

This has taken quite a sinister turn. Do not have a child with this abusive man.

Put yourself in the best possible position to leave safely.

IrisVersicolor · 10/09/2022 17:09

Do not get pregnant with this man - it’s his way of stymying your career before it’s started, and keeping you at home for the foreseeable future to mind his kids and further his career.

KosherDill · 10/09/2022 17:09

OP - Why on earth would you want to marry a man who calls you stupid, thick and a bitch?

And why would her father facilitate the marriage with a $100,000 gift to the abusive husband-to-be? Tragic.

Stravaig · 10/09/2022 17:11

Wait for the 'ps. I'm pregnant' update ...

Tierne · 10/09/2022 17:12

OP you sound like such a smart woman and you are clearly caring too.

It's not that you cant have a career, you can and over time I have no doubt you will. The problem is people embark on laying the groundwork for their careers without kids normally. You already made the "mistake" of having children before you got your studying done, and to make matters worse, now you're planning on doing it again.

You are really young and you will be able to build that career for yourself, but you will need to take a longer and less direct route which I believe is what most parents have to do. The first step is getting a job. Paid work as soon as you finish your degree. Since you seem like you have a very clear vision of what you want to do, try and find something vaguely related to that area no matter how oblique, so that later down the line when you start a masters part time, you will have work experience on your CV to support your application.

Right now i think you are tempted to stay with this man because no matter that he calls you a bitch and hides your money from you:
A) He provides for you and your kids
B) He pays for your studies

But OP, it's not bullshit Disney talk to tell you that nothing is worth more than your self respect.

And how will you feel if in a year and a half, you are giving birth to a new baby, and that's when suddenly, he pulls the rug out from under your feet: "Oh you thought you were doing a Masters? No sorry, finances are a bit tight what with the new baby and all".
Then what are you going to do? Suddenly you have yet another child and theres no way you are getting to that Masters.

Your tasks for this coming week:

  1. Speak to a lawyer and get a firm handle on whats what
  2. Start researching paid work

You can keeping coming back here or start a new thread and we will be here to support you.

This man doesnt deserve you OP.

StellaAndCrow · 10/09/2022 17:15

If your father gifted DH the money, and then DH used the money to purchase the house, if you split after a short marriage wouldn't there be an argument for DH getting "his" assets (the £100K) back? As it was him that payed it?

Even though morally it was your £100K, I'm not sure that legally it would look like it?

IrisVersicolor · 10/09/2022 17:17

KosherDill · 10/09/2022 17:09

OP - Why on earth would you want to marry a man who calls you stupid, thick and a bitch?

And why would her father facilitate the marriage with a $100,000 gift to the abusive husband-to-be? Tragic.

Sometimes families are bedazzled by these types of men just as much as the partner. He’s groomed the whole family.

A man with any integrity would never have suggested that money be handed over to him in the first place, the fact he would even accept it should have set alarm bells ringing.

Tierne · 10/09/2022 17:18

Sometimes families are bedazzled by these types of men just as much as the partner. He’s groomed the whole family

OP says her DF isn't fond of her DH

Octomore · 10/09/2022 17:23

Tierne · 10/09/2022 17:18

Sometimes families are bedazzled by these types of men just as much as the partner. He’s groomed the whole family

OP says her DF isn't fond of her DH

He must have been at least temporarily taken in, to have given him £100k. The scales may have fallen from his eyes since.

ZorbaTheHoarder · 10/09/2022 17:25

OP, please get away from this man,

He is not a good, decent person, and does not have your interests at heart.

The longer you are with him, the more unhappy you - and eventually, your children - will be.

Cut your losses - I know you are planning to speak to a lawyer, so make it about a divorce, as well as the money.

Good luck and remember that he really doesn't care about you as a person - only what you can do for him.

Octomore · 10/09/2022 17:27

Tierne · 10/09/2022 17:12

OP you sound like such a smart woman and you are clearly caring too.

It's not that you cant have a career, you can and over time I have no doubt you will. The problem is people embark on laying the groundwork for their careers without kids normally. You already made the "mistake" of having children before you got your studying done, and to make matters worse, now you're planning on doing it again.

You are really young and you will be able to build that career for yourself, but you will need to take a longer and less direct route which I believe is what most parents have to do. The first step is getting a job. Paid work as soon as you finish your degree. Since you seem like you have a very clear vision of what you want to do, try and find something vaguely related to that area no matter how oblique, so that later down the line when you start a masters part time, you will have work experience on your CV to support your application.

Right now i think you are tempted to stay with this man because no matter that he calls you a bitch and hides your money from you:
A) He provides for you and your kids
B) He pays for your studies

But OP, it's not bullshit Disney talk to tell you that nothing is worth more than your self respect.

And how will you feel if in a year and a half, you are giving birth to a new baby, and that's when suddenly, he pulls the rug out from under your feet: "Oh you thought you were doing a Masters? No sorry, finances are a bit tight what with the new baby and all".
Then what are you going to do? Suddenly you have yet another child and theres no way you are getting to that Masters.

Your tasks for this coming week:

  1. Speak to a lawyer and get a firm handle on whats what
  2. Start researching paid work

You can keeping coming back here or start a new thread and we will be here to support you.

This man doesnt deserve you OP.

This is incredibly sound advice.

The dream career doesn't have to be off the table forever, but right now the focus has to be on your stability and security, and being in control of your own life.

IrisVersicolor · 10/09/2022 17:27

Tierne · 10/09/2022 17:18

Sometimes families are bedazzled by these types of men just as much as the partner. He’s groomed the whole family

OP says her DF isn't fond of her DH

Sure, but yet he trusted him enough to give him 100k.

Thinking2022 · 10/09/2022 17:30

I think you can pay to have a caveat on the deed to show your 50/50 interest in the house. May be worth going to see Citizen Advice Bureau for advice. In any event, courts usually split marital assets 50/50 irrespective of contribution size

Kazibar · 10/09/2022 17:33

All sounds v dubious.get legal advice.

LittleMissMe99 · 10/09/2022 17:47

Yikes. Get yourself on the deeds right away. This was definitely a very risky move and you are putting a lot of trust in that guy. You should have had legal advice before any of this. Surely both tour names could have been on the mortgage and the deeds?!

maryanne3 · 10/09/2022 17:48

You are married now, so my understanding is if you were to divorce you would get 50% of the proceeds of a sale. Check with a solicitor, or citizens advice, but I am pretty sure your interests are protected irrespective of date of purchase (which would anyway be when the money was exchanged, not the mortgage agreed)

StellaAndCrow · 10/09/2022 17:49

I'm sorry that he is being so horrible. The bits about sabotaging your previous jobs and calling you names sounds nasty and controlling.

Whereas you sound lovely, clever, ambitious and driven. (Like the sort of woman that men like to bring down . . .).

I hope it all gets sorted to your advantage. This man doesn't have to be in your future if you don't want him to be.

It's really really hard to get a first/distinction modules in arts subjects, so you must be pretty awesome :)

beonmywaythen · 10/09/2022 17:53

Get on the deeds. Now. There is no reason not to be. Just stop pussyfooting around about it.

Flippingnora100 · 10/09/2022 17:54

Yes. The purchase date is the date of completion.

BettyJDavies · 10/09/2022 17:54

Sounds like he's got himself a RIGHT MUG

Reveriesreverie · 10/09/2022 18:01

Get this to a solicitor who deals with trust and marital law. Stat. Your Dad made a booboo thinking he would swerve the 7 year inheritance tax. Turns out your husband appears untrustworthy. Get representation and get the law to backstop you. Even if it costs the inheritance tax...

Willharicat · 10/09/2022 18:05

I'm sorry to say, but it sounds to me that he's cohesively controlling you/gaslighting you.
Get intouch with Woman's Aid, they are a world of knowledge and will be able to help you and advise you over this and many other problems you have.

LoisLane66 · 10/09/2022 18:15

'hoped that myself if my df would be on the mortgage' ?
Why would neither of your names be on it if both of you were the purchasers or is it just your DHs name on it?

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