To worry we gave away 100k of my inheritance!

[howdidIgetthere]

My DH thinks I am, but if I'm right then it's in his interest to say that!

Basically, we were in a pickle buying a house last year. We were consolidating houses with my DF to purchase a big house, and hoped that myself of my DF could be on the mortgage or deeds as a safety due to my DF helping with the deposit.

To cut a long story and identifying details this wasn't possible. Neither of us could be on a plausible mortgage, and the lenders wouldn't like us on the deeds either. But we needed a house. So as I was already engaged, we agreed between us that my DF would 'gift' 100k of inheritance to my DH so that he could solely purchase the house, but we would get married beforehand to safeguard my stake.

So we eloped without telling anyone else, my DF gifted the money and the house was purchased in my DH's name only. We had a proper wedding a few weeks after and all is well. As far as I know, because the house was purchased after marriage, I have a stake in the house should we divorce, and can get some of that value back in lieu of my inheritance/not be left with no money and nowhere to live.

However, since the purchase the house has had extensive renovations and its value is increasing significantly. I have noticed that my DH keeps referring to people that the purchase date was back in the summer, months before our marriage. I know for a fact from the deeds etc that the closing date was not until a month after we were married, when the funds were transferred. Before the marriage, the mortgage may just have been accepted, but zero money had been exchanged.

When I ask him about this he says iabu for questioning him, that yes he bought it before we got married ie he's taking the acceptance of an offer on the house as when he bought it. This is obviously very worrying for me, as if he bought it before we were married or some other loophole then in the case of divorce I have lost most of my inheritance and have no stake on the house!!!

I don't know why he is saying this as at the time he agreed it was the best option so that all parties were happy and protected. I have resisted a marital rights notice on the deeds, but otherwise I am still not on the deeds or the mortgage (I don't have a high enough income). So who is BU? Have we been misled and given away my inheritance, or is my DH wrong and for some reason trying to say something that's incorrect?

@Doingprettywellthanks the debts were from years ago. when I met him I had been paying them off by myself and there wasn't much left, I then just finished paying them.

With an English degree your best bet right now is to go into teaching. Is that something that would interest you? I believe theres a shortage and I believe theres a scheme where your teacher training is paid.

What sort of names are we talking here? The names he calls you I mean? It's not very nice at all to hold the threat of divorce over somebody's head

@Octomore that's why I'm getting careers guidance next week as I want to make a plan. The career I want in an ideal world is something reliant on my own work at home if that makes sense, building my own business. But it is not earning me money right now and I know I need to do something that will, there are a few options I am interested in possibly publishing, editing, writing, education

Tbf, the OP is on track for a first, she says, so I wouldn't just look at teaching.

There are lots and lots of grad schemes that lead to high earning careers and will accept a decent humanities degree. Big4 accounting is just one example.

I'm not against teaching although I know it's intensive and that could be tough re. his travel etc. I may have to just stand my ground though and insist we pay for childcare and I am prioritised. I would prefer to teach higher education though but I think I need a phd for that.

Yesterday I'm finishing my degree next year so I can start a career

but now you’re doing a masters today. What changed your mind given almost every poster has suggested you need to focus on getting a job?

Yes all my modules are distinction except for the one during covid which is high merit. so unless I bomb this last one I should get a first

Working at home… doing what? Any idea?

how soon after getting together with your husband did you move in together oP?

@Doingprettywellthanks I know I need to focus on getting a job. But I also want to set myself up for the best career I can, and I am capable of doing post grad studies so I believed that may be the best option while I'm in a good position for doing that, to give me more options and better earning potential. I understand English isn't the best subject for that but there are masters options that seem to be beneficial

I really can't disclose that as it is very identifying. But it is what I want to do, dream career. I can do it alongside working though and I realise I will need to

The “good position” you speak of being able to study without having to balance with paid employment?

I’m going to take a punt

you moved in together very soon after meeting?

being able to study without the stress of being a single parent with very little money

He calls me stupid a lot, thick, a bitch etc. I am not stupid whatsoever I outdo him intelligence wise in many areas actually!

I’m guessing you do all the childcare if he’s away all the time! I can see why he was so keen to marry a woman to look after his kids or he’s probably have to pay a fortune for childcare!
Not only that but he got 100k and a nice house which he apparently couldn’t get without the ops fathers money. Sounds like he’s done very well for himself.

Honestly op none of this sounds good. Get legal advice asap. I would start planning to be financially independent in case of divorce.

Sorry, what??

You should remove your children from this environment

He is not a nice man OP.

What attracted you to him originally?

None of that is ever said in front of the children or when they can hear

Why on earth do you want to stay with this man? Why bring another child into this environment? Not to mention that, having just read this whole thread, your situation sounds extremely fishy, and I wouldn’t be trusting him further than I could throw him. Have you a history of being with abusive men? This whole situation sounds like a complete disaster.

With all due kindness and respect, most people who already have small children and step-children, and who need to work to pay the bills, and who plan to conceive even more children, are unlikely to be able to pursue a "dream career" that generates lots of money and the perk of working from home. Are we talking playwright or TikTok influencer or ??. Especially in their 20s when a professional reputation/credentials/portfolio has yet to be established.

Your children's security needs to be your first priority even if your dreams take a back burner for years or decades to come. Pursuing pie-in-the-sky career goals with endless educational degrees is just forestalling the inevitable. You need to be working.

Best of luck to you; I hope all works out well with the $100K.

OP - Why on earth would you want to marry a man who calls you stupid, thick and a bitch?

Why would you marry someone who wants you as childcare for his kids to enable his travel for career to the detriment of your own + your own income?

OP, this is sounding worse and worse.
As i said upthread, get legal advice without him there and do what you need to secure your share of the house. Then focus on your degree and subsequent career plans, i.e., your exit strategy, because you deserve respect and support, not someone who calls you thick and bitch. ☹️

@howdidIgetthere you are absolutely right to be worried. You have been fed a complete crock of shit regarding the house purchase. As a stay at home mum with no income, I am still on both our mortgage & deeds. You do not need to be on the mortgage to be on the deeds either. Rather than go to the bank, you would need to register a change of ownership with the land registry. It is not expensive and a simple online form.

Your father is correct in the sense that your house purchase is the date you complete, not the date you put in the offer. You can request a copy of the deeds online for a small fee to show the date of purchase and that he has this property as an asset in the event of a divorce. Unfortunately if you do separate he would be within his rights to say it is his house until assets are divided, making life difficult for you in the interim period.

You have a huge DH problem and there are some major red flags in everything you have said. You would be doing the right thing by getting career advice and making yourself financially independent.