To worry we gave away 100k of my inheritance!

[howdidIgetthere]

My DH thinks I am, but if I'm right then it's in his interest to say that!

Basically, we were in a pickle buying a house last year. We were consolidating houses with my DF to purchase a big house, and hoped that myself of my DF could be on the mortgage or deeds as a safety due to my DF helping with the deposit.

To cut a long story and identifying details this wasn't possible. Neither of us could be on a plausible mortgage, and the lenders wouldn't like us on the deeds either. But we needed a house. So as I was already engaged, we agreed between us that my DF would 'gift' 100k of inheritance to my DH so that he could solely purchase the house, but we would get married beforehand to safeguard my stake.

So we eloped without telling anyone else, my DF gifted the money and the house was purchased in my DH's name only. We had a proper wedding a few weeks after and all is well. As far as I know, because the house was purchased after marriage, I have a stake in the house should we divorce, and can get some of that value back in lieu of my inheritance/not be left with no money and nowhere to live.

However, since the purchase the house has had extensive renovations and its value is increasing significantly. I have noticed that my DH keeps referring to people that the purchase date was back in the summer, months before our marriage. I know for a fact from the deeds etc that the closing date was not until a month after we were married, when the funds were transferred. Before the marriage, the mortgage may just have been accepted, but zero money had been exchanged.

When I ask him about this he says iabu for questioning him, that yes he bought it before we got married ie he's taking the acceptance of an offer on the house as when he bought it. This is obviously very worrying for me, as if he bought it before we were married or some other loophole then in the case of divorce I have lost most of my inheritance and have no stake on the house!!!

I don't know why he is saying this as at the time he agreed it was the best option so that all parties were happy and protected. I have resisted a marital rights notice on the deeds, but otherwise I am still not on the deeds or the mortgage (I don't have a high enough income). So who is BU? Have we been misled and given away my inheritance, or is my DH wrong and for some reason trying to say something that's incorrect?

I feel very sad and sorry for you op x

if I wanted to transfer cash from the joint account I would have to ask or have a good reason

Maybe the OP isnt actually concerned by any of this. At the end of the day:
He gets a mother for his kids
She gets all her studies and living paid for

It's pretty transactional but it's a balance of sorts.

OPs concern was specifically over her 100K

I have barely had contact with him this past couple of weeks. Things have been strained and we've not spent hardly any time together

Doingprettywellthanks started off arguing that the OP is doing amazingly well out of this situation, that the DH isnt controlling at all, and the OP should be grateful.

Now they've realised that argument is untenable, they've moved on to it all being the OP's fault, and she's the bad guy for getting into this abusive situation.

Somehow the DH escapes all blame.

So? Lots of people do. And he’s no spring chicken

yes I know that you're all right and can see that. I need to prioritise my career before another child. Even though that may make divorce much more likely which makes me worried

Could that possibly be that the OP has approached this thread as a stream of thoughts often confusing many posters with dribs and drabs of information droppings?

Why are things strained?

Is your masters something that generally leads directly to employment? Do you have any working experience?

Did he pay off all your debts out of interest? Or are you still in lots of debt and not paying it each month because no earnings?

No I am concerned. We argued last night and he threatened divorce again, just a threat but still. He called me names I feel very distant from him right now and on my own. we have not spoken today.

Honestly love, divorce is your best bet. As soon as you can. The £100k is the least of your worries.

This man will sabotage any attempt you make to work. He didn't marry you because he wanted an equal partner with a career.

You've already said he expects you to rearrange things around his childcare needs. He's not going to allow you money to spend on childcare.

OP with respect, I would not waste time doing a masters or PHD. You need to be working ASAP, starting your career and building it ASAP and financially independent. I think I read your degree is in humanities? Unless you plan to do a masters and PhD in something vocational, it’s just wasting more time to financial independence.

Don't spend your youth dancing around this man, being called names, tiptoeing around in fear of divorce, trying to keep him on side, trying and failing to be what he wants (a pregnant housekeeper), while sacrificing your own dreams.

You are young and there is fae much more out there in the world for you.

It's just been a tough couple of weeks. he's been so busy with work that we've spent next to no time together or even had conversations. that always leads to arguments as then I start to not trust him and feel like he doesn't care about me or respect me. then he gets angry that I'm causing arguments and problems and then we don't speak. like now

Agree with this. A humanities PhD isn't worth anything unless you are definitely aiming for a career in academia.

Finish your studies, get a job, and leave this man.

I think the DH is an abusive narcissist and the mother of his children is just glad to have escaped, or he is keeping the children away in an attempt to punish her. OP only knows his side of the story and it's very clear that many things don't add up. Going after a much younger student and getting engaged/married shortly afterwards is a classic revenge move. He lives in a grandiose fantasy world so he knows the more naive OP will believe anything he says about being a "successful high earner". He also managed to bag 100K and a house for himself so in his own eyes he probably is extremely successful.

@Doingprettywellthanks

I don't have any debt. I have worked before but only NMW jobs, nothing I want to do as a career. My degree gives me options yes not so sure on my choice of masters if I do that.

Ok so I presume radio silence means he paid off all your debts.

My degree is in English which I could use a masters to specialise in something specific

The debts when you met each other which you said meant you had a torrid credit score

It's been obvious from very early in the thread that neither her DF nor her DH have been acting in her best interests.

With your career ambition being…. What?

Does that 'something specific' lead to a specific job?

I've nothing against English degrees, but they don't tend to boost earnings much....

It seems like your current plan is

I would like one more and prefer not to wait too long.
do a masters

correct?