To worry we gave away 100k of my inheritance!

[howdidIgetthere]

My DH thinks I am, but if I'm right then it's in his interest to say that!

Basically, we were in a pickle buying a house last year. We were consolidating houses with my DF to purchase a big house, and hoped that myself of my DF could be on the mortgage or deeds as a safety due to my DF helping with the deposit.

To cut a long story and identifying details this wasn't possible. Neither of us could be on a plausible mortgage, and the lenders wouldn't like us on the deeds either. But we needed a house. So as I was already engaged, we agreed between us that my DF would 'gift' 100k of inheritance to my DH so that he could solely purchase the house, but we would get married beforehand to safeguard my stake.

So we eloped without telling anyone else, my DF gifted the money and the house was purchased in my DH's name only. We had a proper wedding a few weeks after and all is well. As far as I know, because the house was purchased after marriage, I have a stake in the house should we divorce, and can get some of that value back in lieu of my inheritance/not be left with no money and nowhere to live.

However, since the purchase the house has had extensive renovations and its value is increasing significantly. I have noticed that my DH keeps referring to people that the purchase date was back in the summer, months before our marriage. I know for a fact from the deeds etc that the closing date was not until a month after we were married, when the funds were transferred. Before the marriage, the mortgage may just have been accepted, but zero money had been exchanged.

When I ask him about this he says iabu for questioning him, that yes he bought it before we got married ie he's taking the acceptance of an offer on the house as when he bought it. This is obviously very worrying for me, as if he bought it before we were married or some other loophole then in the case of divorce I have lost most of my inheritance and have no stake on the house!!!

I don't know why he is saying this as at the time he agreed it was the best option so that all parties were happy and protected. I have resisted a marital rights notice on the deeds, but otherwise I am still not on the deeds or the mortgage (I don't have a high enough income). So who is BU? Have we been misled and given away my inheritance, or is my DH wrong and for some reason trying to say something that's incorrect?

Young or old? I’m sensing his are older and yours very young?

Without wishing to sound sexist, it is unusual for a mother to have no involvement with her children, which is what you seem to be saying about his children. But maybe they are grown up or something. It is just something I thought. Did the father of your children ever contribute or support his kids with you?
Sorry for all the questions, you have every right to ignore them.

We have one shared joint account but other than that I have a few credit cards I can use pretty much freely but no access to the accounts so I don't know what the family money is, any savings he has etc. no idea.

It's really unusual for a businessman with a high flying high income career to take an interest in a student 10 years his junior.
Not that older men dont like younger women, it's a cliche for a reason. But they tend to prefer them foot loose without the baggage of children.

How did you guys meet? I really hope you dont take offence at this OP I really do because I'm not trying to drag you down with this question, it's just I find there to be something off about his profile.

It has been said that having a shared child can be better in the event of divorce, not that that's why I would have one! I would like one more and prefer not to wait too long.

I’m looking at fact that I suspect he has older children, much older.

and op has very young children. And yet the op and her children have a very high standard of living, the op says he absolutely no controlling over finances, and he is fine with the op doing master, which will substantially improve her career chances and opportunity for independence.

So I do struggle to see him as stopping her progressing In life. Indeed the op says with him it would be “much tougher”. And no doubt her children would suffer too.

op, how does he get on with your children? How does he parent his own children?

@Tierne he has quite an unusual profile which is why some details are too identifiable. He was struggling to date as a single dad. hence a lot of trouble in his part to marry me as he was very very keen to marry. which is why I don't think he'd be happy to divorce.

no support from my DC's DF no, minimal CM now after years of non payment

How long were you with him before you moved in together oP?

did he pay off all your debts?

None of the children are in their teens.

he's a hands-off parent. but largely because his work is so demanding and stressful

yet the op and her children have a very high standard of living

Living with a man who calls you names, controls your access to information about household finances and attempts to sabotage your studies IS NOT FUCKING WELL A HIGH STANDARD OF LIVING!!

And yes, wanting to TTC immediately and requiring her to organise her life around his kids is trying to sabotage her studies.

He has told her he doesn't want her to work. Did you not read that?

he was very very keen to marry

I bet he was. He must have had huge childcare bills, with all his overseas travel.

The OP wants another child sooner rather than later

Exactly, he’s only allegedly supportive of her studies as she won’t be earning anything (so he can get her pregnant) and she can carry on studying, do a masters, phd another degree etc but never actually earn money, otherwise he’d be supportive of her working. She only has access to a joint account that he limits, she is in the dark about savings and has no access to them.

The Op wants to have a child with him!!

! I would like one more and prefer not to wait too long.

This just gets worse. OP, I hope you are using very reliable contraception and that he cannot interfere with it.

No he doesn’t limit the joint account

the op says no restrictions at all over her spending

It was him that wanted to TTC the minute they married.

It's really unusual for a businessman with a high flying high income career to take an interest in a student 10 years his junior...

...with 100k to spare.

Fgs OP don't have DC with this man. You obviously don't trust him the fact you started this thread.
Get yourself financially secure and think forwards to your career so you can support YOUR DC and he can sling his hook.

Where is/what happened to his children's mother?

I would like one more and prefer not to wait too long.

doubt it

You can have another child, just not with him. Honestly please learn something from this thread, you’ve already said you were left vulnerable with your ex please do better for yourself and your kids this time. Bringing another child will be disastrous for you, you will be back to square one. You won’t get the independence you say you want. You will be relying on him and that will suit him fine.

Is this a new MN thing now? That we tell women who are obviously victims of control by their male family members (booked gradually like frogs so they can't see how funked up their situations are) that they should put up with it "as they have a higher standard of living than they would on their own"? Or that its their own fault so they shouldn't complain?

Is this what MN has become?

@Doingprettywellthanks that's not true I said I can spend pretty much what I want on the credit cards within reason but my access to actual cash that I could save or anything is extremely limited. my own personal accounts are often negative