To worry we gave away 100k of my inheritance!

[howdidIgetthere]

My DH thinks I am, but if I'm right then it's in his interest to say that!

Basically, we were in a pickle buying a house last year. We were consolidating houses with my DF to purchase a big house, and hoped that myself of my DF could be on the mortgage or deeds as a safety due to my DF helping with the deposit.

To cut a long story and identifying details this wasn't possible. Neither of us could be on a plausible mortgage, and the lenders wouldn't like us on the deeds either. But we needed a house. So as I was already engaged, we agreed between us that my DF would 'gift' 100k of inheritance to my DH so that he could solely purchase the house, but we would get married beforehand to safeguard my stake.

So we eloped without telling anyone else, my DF gifted the money and the house was purchased in my DH's name only. We had a proper wedding a few weeks after and all is well. As far as I know, because the house was purchased after marriage, I have a stake in the house should we divorce, and can get some of that value back in lieu of my inheritance/not be left with no money and nowhere to live.

However, since the purchase the house has had extensive renovations and its value is increasing significantly. I have noticed that my DH keeps referring to people that the purchase date was back in the summer, months before our marriage. I know for a fact from the deeds etc that the closing date was not until a month after we were married, when the funds were transferred. Before the marriage, the mortgage may just have been accepted, but zero money had been exchanged.

When I ask him about this he says iabu for questioning him, that yes he bought it before we got married ie he's taking the acceptance of an offer on the house as when he bought it. This is obviously very worrying for me, as if he bought it before we were married or some other loophole then in the case of divorce I have lost most of my inheritance and have no stake on the house!!!

I don't know why he is saying this as at the time he agreed it was the best option so that all parties were happy and protected. I have resisted a marital rights notice on the deeds, but otherwise I am still not on the deeds or the mortgage (I don't have a high enough income). So who is BU? Have we been misled and given away my inheritance, or is my DH wrong and for some reason trying to say something that's incorrect?

The marriage is not always a happy one, there are arguments (including last night) I get very upset with the names he calls me and how he treats me. But I have to be careful so that I'm not left in an awful situation

Bless you. Why isn't your DF fond of him?

As I said earlier in the thread: your priority now is not a career, it's a job. You need to get some financial padding under your belt, although on the plus side you have your father on your side I guess.

But where did this talk of divorce come from? Why are you even thinking he might divorce you?

Ok. You can see why people would ask, though, I'm sure, as the process seems to have all happened so fast. It sounds as though the timings went something like:

You meet DH
Within a year to 18mths later - Meet each other's kids, get engaged, move in together, you start providing all childcare and housework
18-24 mths later - rush to buy a house, get married in a hurry, you play no part in decision making, dad gives DH £100k
2 - 3 yrs later - live in said house, DH runs all your finances
3 years = now

I suppose this could be viewed as nosy, but what is the status of the father of your child(ren) and the mother of his? Were you single at the time, does the father contribute to child(ren's) upkeep etc. and same for your husband, is he divorced or widowed?

You have taken on a lot of responsibility. I am not sure of the motivations of your father either and whether or not he was hoodwinked by your husband, but not for me to say.

From your last post, the marriage does not sound a terribly happy or equal one overall.

This is incredibly sad. You're still in the honeymoon period, and he's calling you names? 😞

@Tierne They're very different people! Is the shortest and simplest answer!

Yes, I will try to make a solid plan and advance towards that so I can start earning and having some financial security. I have credit cards I can use at any time but cash for savings is extremely limited so I have basically no savings.

I don't know I guess if we argue he threatens it. It's always in the back of the mind that the more successful he gets the more likely it is that he may divorce me. I don't want to be trapped if I am too unhappy. I don't want him to have a hold over my head that I am nothing without him or would be in an awful place. I feel like he has too much power and control. Like the will for example. when I mentioned it yesterday he said it's a secret. He laughed it off and said it's for his solicitor to know only, I have no way of making him tell me. there's nothing I can do if he says no re. bank accounts or asking him questions he can say whatever he likes.

Long story short I guess I don't feel very secure or safe, I don't feel protected.

Thank you for your kind responses by the way, I appreciate that a lot.

presumably- in order for you to do your masters, you need to continue in the marriage so that he continues to 100% financially support you and your children?

@greenhousegal yes we were both single parents when we met. No outside involvement from other parents

Long story short I guess I don't feel very secure or safe, I don't feel protected.

and yet you’re planning to continue your studies for another year?

How soon after meeting did the two of you move in together?

How old are the children involved?

Well no, I could get a student loan again it would just be tougher on my own as I would have financial stress. that's what I was doing when I met him, studying and working as a single parent

And in debt up to your eyeballs with a terrible credit score?

@Doingprettywellthanks I want to be able to get the best job I can with advancement opportunities, I am capable of doing a masters probably even a phd if I wanted, I want to give myself the best options possible career wise

To say it would be tougher would be an u given at the moment you and your children live a very high standard of living with no financial control at all

Would be an understatement

Yes... I'm in a situation at the moment where I don't have financial stress, I want to gain independence and financial stability and security so I have options.. and if divorce were to happen I would survive and be ok

It wouldn't make sense that DH is planning to divorce me. It would be messy, stressful and difficult. I have met all his family and a lot of business connections etc, it's not something that would be quick and easy for him.

A divorce after a short marriage where there are no shared children is not necessarily particularly difficult or complex.

And this is great

but can’t you see that him 100% supporting you and your children with no control over how you spend money and you and your children life a very good standard of living according to… is helping you get that job and independence.

He is either very thick if he wants you to be dependent on him OR…. He’s supporting his wife and her children in her getting a career

@Octomore it just wouldn't make sense. I would have to really really upset him or make him angry. But yes all the same I don't feel very secure.

@Doingprettywellthanks In a sense.. but when I was last working he was endlessly telling me I was wasting my time, to quit, insisting I took days off to suit his arrangements without notice etc etc.. he made it very difficult.

He doesn't take much of an interest in my studies.

When you told him that you were going to do a masters rather than seek employment … he was fine with it?

m how many children do you each have? How old?

Yes when I mention getting a job he just says you don't need to work.

I don't want to go into specifics about children in case it is identifying

Ok I have read your latest posts and he sounds abusive, both emotionally (threatening divorce to keep you scared) and possibly financially -are your finances shared? Do you have free access to the money/savings? I would contact women’s aid. You also say your df doesn’t like him yet gave him 100k, I just don’t buy that he is naive, must be something more to it e.g politics

im worried if you play the long game of trying to carve out a career that you will end up having a child with him, you post upthread suggest you think having a child with him may make things better, seal the deal etc who gave you this advice? Your df?

get a job, start earning immediately and stop being his skivvy and free childcare, he doesn’t value your contributions and he won’t pay you back. He’s playing mind games and will drive you mad.
go and see a solicitor and make sure that 100k is protected.

please do not have a child with him but I have a feeling you will earlier than you are telling us because of his pressure. Stay firm, keep control of the contraceptives and don’t leave anything to him. Do not trust him.

So your DH calls you names, it isn't a happy marriage when you've only been married a year, he wanted to sabotage your studies by TTC the minute you got married, he is definitely finnancially controlling because you are given no access to information about household finances....

And yet still @Doingprettywellthanks thinks you should be grateful to him for 'helping you' (aka keeping you barefoot, pregnant and under control).