To worry we gave away 100k of my inheritance!

[howdidIgetthere]

My DH thinks I am, but if I'm right then it's in his interest to say that!

Basically, we were in a pickle buying a house last year. We were consolidating houses with my DF to purchase a big house, and hoped that myself of my DF could be on the mortgage or deeds as a safety due to my DF helping with the deposit.

To cut a long story and identifying details this wasn't possible. Neither of us could be on a plausible mortgage, and the lenders wouldn't like us on the deeds either. But we needed a house. So as I was already engaged, we agreed between us that my DF would 'gift' 100k of inheritance to my DH so that he could solely purchase the house, but we would get married beforehand to safeguard my stake.

So we eloped without telling anyone else, my DF gifted the money and the house was purchased in my DH's name only. We had a proper wedding a few weeks after and all is well. As far as I know, because the house was purchased after marriage, I have a stake in the house should we divorce, and can get some of that value back in lieu of my inheritance/not be left with no money and nowhere to live.

However, since the purchase the house has had extensive renovations and its value is increasing significantly. I have noticed that my DH keeps referring to people that the purchase date was back in the summer, months before our marriage. I know for a fact from the deeds etc that the closing date was not until a month after we were married, when the funds were transferred. Before the marriage, the mortgage may just have been accepted, but zero money had been exchanged.

When I ask him about this he says iabu for questioning him, that yes he bought it before we got married ie he's taking the acceptance of an offer on the house as when he bought it. This is obviously very worrying for me, as if he bought it before we were married or some other loophole then in the case of divorce I have lost most of my inheritance and have no stake on the house!!!

I don't know why he is saying this as at the time he agreed it was the best option so that all parties were happy and protected. I have resisted a marital rights notice on the deeds, but otherwise I am still not on the deeds or the mortgage (I don't have a high enough income). So who is BU? Have we been misled and given away my inheritance, or is my DH wrong and for some reason trying to say something that's incorrect?

A masters in a humanities subject is not going to make you more employable. Speak to your university careers service and get a plan together for your career.

I faffed about with postgraduate studies when I was in my 20s so I get it but you have multiple children that are not your DH's, you need to be a grown up and provide for them

@Tomorrowisalatterday Ok that's a good idea. I will speak to them on Monday and see what they say as I know I need a career desperately but feel like I have no direction. There is a career I want to do but it is not one that you can earn for overnight and it's not guaranteed but I want to throw myself into that while I'm finishing my degree. I thought a masters can help you get better jobs but I guess yes I could do it part time while working

Hope all goes well on Monday, OP. This will be a lot better once you get very strong protections in place.

The marriage was a rush because we'd finally had a mortgage offer which had a deadline

This is the offer that only your DH was involved in obtaining.

in addition to a lot of pressure fro solicitors and sellers etc to close the house purchase

Again, it was only your DH dealing with the solicitors, so it was him telling you there was pressure.

I don't remember it ever coming up.. maybe it was to do with tax or something, I just don't know. My DF said it's the same as indirectly inheriting it through marriage

So your dad had £100k that was intended to be your inheritance, but the idea of him giving it directly to you "just never came up"? It's honestly mind-boggling. And it won't have been about tax because there would have been no tax on a gift to you.

Do your dad and DH have quite old fashioned views about women? They must do, from the sounds of it.

Hell, if he had £100k without needing to sell his home, why not extend or build an annex to relieve the overcrowding?

A rushed marriage and giving away the £100k seems to have been presented as the only option, when it was anything but.

so we had to get married quickly because my DF wouldn't gift the money otherwise, under the belief that married, I am protected

This sounds more and more like your father paid this man to be your husband. It's so old fashioned and backward I can't quite fathom it.

A pp has suggested that the DH isn't resident in this country. If that's true - how much time have you actually spent with him OP?

Is this an arranged marriage of some sort?

I agree. It sounds more and more like an arranged marriage / dowry type situation.

It's got to be an arranged marriage hasn't it? It's the only thing that makes sense.

And the OP is talking about TTC imminently, just as she finishes studying. I think the PP who used the phrase 'barefoot and pregnant' had it right. OP you are sleepwalking into a situation where you have very little agency over your own life.

I agree that this has to be an arranged marriage.

Is that the case OP?

Barefoot, pregnant and Husband/Father keeping financial matters from you.

I hope everything will work out OP, but I'm not getting a good feeling at all sorry.

For the record, I asked earlier in the thread if there were any cultural or religious issues involved in the arrangement, and was assured by the OP that there were none. I am not aware of arranged marriages in non traditional culture/religious settings. Is anyone else?

Yes I remember you asking.

OP may have found it too outing to confirm

If the substance of what has happened is that the dad effectively paid the DH as part of an arranged marriage type arrangement, then the OP doesn't actually have any financial claim on that £100k does she? It was never hers, and never intended to be hers - her DF gave it to her DH.

She's been set up to act as the nanny / housekeeper for this older man, with a nice house and a nice standard of living being her reward for fulfilling her part of the deal. The dad's reward is that he has his daughter there to care for him when his medical issues get worse.

There are multiple children already, and if TTC goes ahead as planned (planned by who I wonder?) she will be far too constrained to pursue a career. I'm at a loss as to how you've not realised this yourself OP - providing childcare for multiple children, an unwell older person, and a new baby is simply not consistent with the hours you would need to put in to establish a career.

^ That's the reality of the situation, isn't it?

And it all hinges on trusting the DH not to divorce her, take the money and run.

Which he's unlikely to do, tbh, because she is sorting out all his childcare and housework etc. So he gets what he needs out of the deal.

People may receive an inheritance when their relative pass away.

Your father is still alive, so he must have gifted you the money

Your father may be a little disappointed, that you did not include him in your wedding plans ?

Personally, you should have bought the property as tenants in common from day one. You should definitely take legal advice from a solicitor & get your name added onto the mortgage & deeds. It sounds like you have been scammed.

Is your marriage recognised legally in the UK If you married abroad ?

Protect yourself

When do you finish being a student & what do you plan to do ?

Your father is still alive, so he must have gifted you the money

Your father may be a little disappointed, that you did not include him in your wedding plans ?

He gifted her DH the money, not her.

And her father knew about the elopement. It was part of the insane set of arrangements that he was fully aware of.

This is all academic until you've seen a solicitor.

OP, i realise you didn't want to give too many details, but the way you've described the whole story is really difficult and confusing. I realise that's the nature of the thread and perhaps the nature of the scant information that was given you, but you need to have it all organised for the solicitor with
an accurate time line to get the best out of the meeting. Indicating what you know to be cold hard facts, and indicating what you were only told by other people and the information that you DONT know.
Also gather together any papers that prove dates and info. Make a PDF out of any emails you have had from professionals involved and print them out.

I think you would also be wise, whilst consulting the solicitor, to ask them for advice on financially protecting yourself in this marriage.

YOu are relatively young to be in charge of four children and the house etc.. You've relied on your DF for advice and then recognized he doesn't really know . You've relied on your DH for advice and information and basically he has shut you out of the whole mortgage house sale. You need to rely on yourself and on expert advice so that you are not fobbed off in the future.

Think hard about how you want to run your finances in future.

also do not underestimate the financial contribution you are making. How much would it cost him to have a housekeeper, cleaner and childcare for four children ifyou weren't providing it?

Everyone should know what their monthly outgoings are, what they can afford to save, and what their disposable income is. An agreement on who pays what. it should never be a secret or something that is too much trouble to share.

You are leaving yourself very exposed by not getting on top of this subject.

Maybe you should start a second thread asking for advice on how to organise your couple's finances. You may need some couples counseling to help you agree on this.
One step at a time, but once you've sorted out the house you need to establish. Is there enough life insurance to cover something happening to either of you? How will you both want to organise your wills to protect each other and your children? You may need to see a financial advisor on your own so that you can understand what's required and have a plan and can discuss it more accurately with DH. Best of luck x

I honestly pity the solicitor that the Op will be speaking to you Monday

on the upside - he’s set to make a fortune given all the hours he’s going to have to spend trying to understand what the hell is going on from the muddle the information the OP imparts!

Wow 😮 I have no words.....

Absolutely not an arranged marriage. We are all British

@Octomore yes I do understand that. I get very frustrated that my own priorities (a career) come 2nd best to my DH's career, although he has a very important one which way outlearns anything I could do.

I'm certain my DF did not pay my DH to marry me... he's not even massively fond of my DH.

Yes my DH is the one that wants to TTC. He wanted to at the beginning of the year the week after we 'married'!!! But I said no I want to prioritise my studies. My thinking was that even with a baby I can do postgrad If that is useful, and that maybe a shared child would be more protection of sorts in the event of a divorce in the future. I don't see much way out of that.

It wouldn't make sense that DH is planning to divorce me. It would be messy, stressful and difficult. I have met all his family and a lot of business connections etc, it's not something that would be quick and easy for him.

However, I have been left vulnerable before so the cynic in me wants to be prepared for the worst. My thinking was that I use this time to develop my career so that if we divorce I will be fine.

I finish my degree next year and I was planning to do a masters but I've booked an in depth career guidance session for early next week so I can make a plan