Patchy nursery attendance DS

[slippe]

My DS goes to nursery full time. 5 days a week.

I can count the weeks he has actually attended 5 days a week on one hand probably. He has been going since January. There is always something- usually an illness or trying to avoid and illness before a trip we have to go on etc.

I had a baby in april and kept him off for a few weeks, again, to avoid an illness around this time. Things were hard enough having a new baby etc.

During the summer we went away for a month and then had family visit for a couple of weeks and he was also sick.

He has missed a lot of nursery. Even when I do send him, I tend to leave him at 10ish and pick up at 4ish.

I didn't want to change his hours when the baby came because I didn't want to lose the place and also think it's good for him to go.

I am wondering if anyone else does this with their nursery ? My DS has moved to preschool now and the teachers mentioned that it would be better, in preparation for school, for him to come in at a set time and not miss as much time ( unless he is ill of course ).

This made me realise that they probably think we are a bit strange to have him miss so much nursery time. But it was just situational the last few months. I fully plan on sending him in as much as possible now he is in preschool.

I thought the nursery would be happy to have one less child to worry about, but they actually seem to want him to come in more. I think that's really lovely.

They say it is fine to take them between 9-10. They dont have a problem at all with that.

Now he is at preschool it is better for him to be in for 9. Which I will do!

He absolutely needs more routine. The summer has been a bit all over the place because we went away for a month and had family visiting.

I do pay for it..nothing is free.

@Johnnysgirl holiday is the wrong word. Trips to see family would be more appropriate. My husband has a very unpredictable schedule and hardly sees the children. So sometimes, when he has last minute time available, we have gone away OR my husband has asked to spend the day with his son he doesn't see that much. It's just the unpredictability of his schedule at the moment that occasionally causes this.

Kids are meant to get ill. It sucks but it's important.

Dd was 3 when ds was born, she didn't miss a single session of pre school. In fact she was brought straight from pre school to meet ds at the hospital. I didn't want her life and routine to be upset by his arrival.

I have never kept either off unless they were actually ill. But in our house unless you are ill you just get on with it. I certainly wouldn't stop them from going to something in case they became ill.

I think when they first start it can be a little disruptive as it can take some children a little while to settle. He seems to have settled but the back and forth with days off will start to throw him off. He will also think he can stay home whenever he likes which probably isn’t a good thing to start.
Im a primary teacher, since covid, we have had a lot of families keeping their children off before the summer and before Christmas which is understandable but the fear of keeping him off incase he becomes unwell is a bit too much. Is this something you find yourself regularly worried about? I ask this as I suffer with generalised health anxiety and really panic if I’ve been around anyone who is unwell. I’ve been on anxiety medication and had cbt to work through this- do you think talking to someone could help?

As he gets older, it would be better for him to have a routine, to help In preparation for starting school and also for your returning to work. I’d try drop him off as close to 9 as you can and agree with nursery you’ll be picking him ip at 4. I understand days where you feel unwell it’s a lot to take him to nursery but it might be better for him to go and give you time with your baby.

It seems like your husband needs to make some changes here. It's not your child who should be making sacrifices such as being in a very unstructured routine just so your his dad can spend some time with him.

What happens when he starts school, will he be expected to miss days because his dad has decided he's got a spare day to see him?

This is ridiculous. Either send him in 5 days a week or cut down the days he does go and let someone else benefit from the place. Also you must be spending a lot of money on nursery fees that aren't being used!
It seems like you're finding excuses for him not to go, you have to commit to the days or not, but you don't get to pick and choose like this.
It's setting a very bad example to your son that you can choose when to go to school or not, come in late, etc.
At 2.5, just put him in for 2 days a week and save the nursery the headaches! How do they plan for lunches etc if your child may or may not be there? You can't pick and choose like this at your convenience, stick to the times and honour your commitments.

What are you going to do when he goes to school, keep him off every 5 minutes?

Kids get ill, it’s horrible but they have to build up their immune systems. He’ll get a load of new germs when he starts school. I’ve never kept mine off ‘just incase’ of anything.

He's always ill because you never expose him to general kid germs at nursery and his immune system is weak. And when you say ill, do you mean sick, fever etc. or a bit sniffly or snotty? A runny nose does not stop my children from going to pre-school/school!

@Beees but he hasn't started school though has he ? That's completely different.

In fact, even now he's starting preschool I will send him regularly, as it's important. It was just a period while he was in nursery that it's been up and down.

Also people saying that he doesn't know whether he's coming or going.. what about people who send them only twice a week etc. He doesn't need to go 5 times a week. He doesn't know we pay for 5 times a week.

It's normal for them to be ill often at this stage. We kept DD off if she had a high temperature and would have done for D&V (she's never had it) but she went in with colds, sniffles etc. She only missed 3.5 days of nursery in almost 4 years there!

And it will be disruptive for nursery - by the older rooms they had play and breakfast, then onto circle time type stuff before more free play so potentially would be missing out on stuff that's useful for starting school.

You need to book the days you want/need and stick to them.

If you want him at home more then just reduce the days.

You will need to accept illness and potential illness when he starts school. They won't put up with random days off just in case he catches a cold before weekend or because you fancy a day out.

Also people saying that he doesn't know whether he's coming or going.. what about people who send them only twice a week etc. He doesn't need to go 5 times a week. He doesn't know we pay for 5 times a week.

People who pay for 2 days of nursery send their children for those 2 days. So unless they're unwell the child knows they attend nursery on those 2 days each week. Where as your son could attend 5 days one week, 2 days the next, then go 3 weeks without going to nursery. That's confusing and will be very unsettling for your child. He needs a routine, especially with huge life changes at home like a new sibling.

It's about routine. I bet the nursery and preschool have set things and activities on set days, and you'll be surprised how children pick up on this. You sending him in on random days here and there just confuses him, and probably confuses the other children as well.
Agree you need to get him and your husband used to the idea that you can't just skive off for a daddy day when it suits. If your husband says this, you tell him, 'sorry but he's at preschool today, you can't.'

I think YABU.

For your DS : He's missing out on opportunities by missing sessions, and he's missing out on having a (gentle!) structure to his week, which can be a useful thing for children to start learning about early, as it's part of their lives for a long time. He can work on things like potty training at nursery as well, so keeping him off just for that doesn't make sense.

For you: If you aren't using his regular hours, you aren't going to be getting proper value for money.

For the nursery: Inconsistent and unpredictable attendance plays havoc with staffing ratios, activity planning, funding...

For other families: Another family could be using the sessions you don't use.

I'd suggest either sending him more regularly or reducing his hours to something to which you can commit.

They learn a routine very early - mine was in 3 days a week and knew from very young that she had three days at nursery, two days with me and two days (weekend) with me and DH every week. Even bank holidays used to throw her off.

You rather missed my point that unless your husband changes something then he will naturally still expect to have him miss school otherwise he won't see him much.

The fact its nursery now and not school makes little difference to the reasons you're keeping him off, predominantly to see his dad when he's got time or because you're afraid he's going to be unwell, both those reasons will still exist when he starts school.

Also it's daft to say he doesn't know. Of course he's confused my child attends 3 days a week. He's not much older than yours and knows which days are nursery days. Yours doesn't know if he's going or not because some weeks he goes on a Monday for example and then he doesn't go for a few weeks and then the next week he only goes on Tuesday and Wednesday and then the next week he's back there on a Monday but not the Tuesday or Wednesday. He has no routine or consistency and doesn't know which children or staff will be in of course he will be unsettled and confused.

Also nursery were really supportive and helpful with potty training - made it so much easier having them there supporting it too. There's no way I'd have kept her off for potty training!

You must have pots of cash and money to burn.

There seems absolutely no need at all to be paying for five days of nursery when you don't need it.

Indeed you don't actually need nursery at all.

Either pull him out entirely or drop to two days and then send him in for those two days.

At the moment he must be so confused. He never knows if it's a nursery day or not.

Children thrive on routine.

He will be happier knowing that Tuesday and Wednesday are nursery days and the other days are mummy days.

I absolutely understand what you are saying about illness. Mine (who went full time 5 days a week from when I returned to work) was constantly ill for the first 3 years. However, now he's much stronger and doesn't get ill so often. I don't want to jinx it by saying how long since last time he had a temperature but I think it was the constant exposure that built his immune system.
Also, I believe children really benefit from routine. When we travel his behaviour ends up to be all over the place, but when we are home on a routine of wake up-have breakfast-go to nursery-get picked up-etc all seems to work very well.
I would probably drop the habit of not sending him in to avoid illness, unless there is a very very special event planned or an outbreak of chickenpox/Covid. And I would stick to the same hours every day, even reduced hours if that suits you but always the same.

They have set schedules within nurseries especially in the preschool years - eg snack times, circle time, story time.

Most have a drop off window in the morning (7.45-9am here) then a pick up window for full time (4pm-6pm here) but kids are expected in for the intervening period unless ill, medical appointment or something important. Holidays are booked in advance. Using it as a drop in is confusing for staff and the other kids

Thanks everyone I am really glad I posted.

I will take him in today and NO MORE excuses, unless he is actually ill.

The summer has been nuts for him and you're all correct, they really need a Routine. Now he's in preschool he will also be going in on time every day.

Regarding potty training, they haven't been that helpful. I have been trying really hard to potty train at home and tell them regularly. I think I will try again this weekend and send him in with no nappy next week and that's it. I'll talk to them about it today.