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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have lost my cool with FIL

219 replies

Poorlyarticulaedbutangry · 09/09/2022 00:06

FIL is a typical baby boomer. Very comfortable in his retirements through property value increases, hard work, and the golden era of defined benefit pension. He is open about his political persuasion. This differs from mine and that if my DH.

FIL started this evening about how Boris had been dealt a rough deal (Covid, Brexit, Ukraine war) but had done well. Better than anyone else would. I enter into gentle discussion.. I try not to, but can’t help it. Yes FIL, Boris did assist in the quick Covid vaccine distribution.. but don’t forget this high per 100,000 Covid death rate in UK.. you know, adding a few inconvenient truths etc.

I don’t know what happened but it all quickly descended and we ended up talking about gas electricity sitch/ poor families/ families having poor diets.. then into free school meals and the fact the threshold is disgustingly low and his total
and complete lack of empathy or awareness and just horrible cold ‘well the government can’t pay for everyone’ and I just lost my rag. Hungry children. Fucking hungry children.

I Lack any eloquence when really bloody angry and I was really bloody angry. Now I’m embarrassed (we are staying at their house for the weekend, they don’t get to see our DC very often), I ended up saying to DH ‘we just can’t come down again’ because I was so completely wound up and upset.
Gaaaah.

horrible. Why couldn’t I just accept that he has very different views and I will never change them, nor should I even bother to try.

AIBU to leave early or do I brass it out.

I know I stand by my poorly delivered points but I am in their home after all. BOLLOCKS.

(No booze on my part, he maybe half a bottle of red down).

OP posts:
user1473878824 · 09/09/2022 00:08

Just say “sorry with disagreed! I guess that this is why they say to never talk about money, politics or religion!” Then change the subject.

Twirlywoo · 09/09/2022 00:10

Just agree to disagree & stop having these triggering conversations. You are putting your DH in a awkward position.

UWhatNow · 09/09/2022 00:11

Opinions are like arseholes - everyone’s got one. But you thought yours were morally and intellectually superior and even if they were - you lost it, got angry and tried to shut his opinions down in his own home. Good job everyone doesn’t act like you. You sound like you lack self control. YABU.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/09/2022 00:13

You seriously need to work on your self control. Stop getting into conversations you clearly can't handle. Also, your FIL doesn't have to agree with you, and you aren't necessarily right.

MarshaMelrose · 09/09/2022 00:13

I guess that this is why they say to never talk about money, politics or religion!”

That's what I was always taught. If you stray into political territory, you just say let's not discuss politics. I didn't agree with all my parents political views, in fact I can't think of anyone who I agree with over everything. I actually agree with some of what he says a6bd some of what you say. So I think you're both partly wrong. The fact that you'd break up your husbands family over this is crackers. Like you say, he's not going to change.

Icedlatteplease · 09/09/2022 00:15

Go down and whole heartedly apologise in the morning.

Also it may be worth listening to Radio 4s More or less regarding excess deaths.

5foot5 · 09/09/2022 00:16

FIL is a typical baby boomer.

OK so you lost my sympathy right there by implying that everyone of a certain generation must, by definition, all hold the same views and political beliefs.

Original poster
Poorlyarticulaedbutangry · 09/09/2022 00:17

I do find him very antagonistic, and maybe like the they live in an eco chamber.. so he doesn’t see the ‘other side’ of things very often.

But some of you are right, I should just avoid rising to it. Good little DIL.. keep my mouth shut right?

OP posts:
DevaleraSpawnOfSatan · 09/09/2022 00:19

You need to grow up. Quite frankly.

PaddleBoardingMomma · 09/09/2022 00:21

You could start behaving and debating like an educated adult, for a start. Oh, and go and apologise, you’ve made a tit of yourself.

Cagedbirdsinging · 09/09/2022 00:23

Look him straight in the eye and tell him you stand by every single thing you said . Ask him politely but with a no-nonsense attitude if he would like you to continue the weekend as planned or leave - because he feels uncomfortable after your passionately expressed views .

user1473878824 · 09/09/2022 00:23

Also OP working hard for what you have isn’t a bad thing.

MarshaMelrose · 09/09/2022 00:24

But some of you are right, I should just avoid rising to it. Good little DIL.. keep my mouth shut right?

I think that sounds quite antagonistic of you. No one's suggesting that. You said you're not going to change his mind, and clearly you're not going to change your mind, so why get into arguments with him? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Original poster
Poorlyarticulaedbutangry · 09/09/2022 00:24

I am a fairly well educated professional to be fair. Decent job, comfortable enough (nothing crazy). I think this fuels our lack of seeing eye to eye as he doesn’t understand why I care about such things as tax burden on those with low income, families being pushed into poverty etc.

He just pushes my buttons. I should ignore the old sod.

OP posts:
Lucienandjean · 09/09/2022 00:24

I think you are not seeing 'the other side' of things either.

Both of you have your own views, but you were the one who lost their rag and got angry. And you're still taking pot shots at your FIL, calling him a boomer and criticising him for having a pension and having worked hard! It doesn't matter who is right, you were rude.

This is why politics is not a subject for discussion in public.

I'd apologise briefly but sincerely, and promise not to talk politics again. Family and good relationships with them are more important than winning an argument.

Minimalme · 09/09/2022 00:25

I don't agree with any of the above responses - he sounds like a self entitled arse who enjoys have a good shout about his appalling opinions.

I bet he isn't going to bed worrying that he is just fallen out with the mother of his grandkids who has been very kind and brought them up to visit.

Don't apologise. See how it goes in the morning and if he can locate his humanity from underneath all that privilege.

Original poster
Poorlyarticulaedbutangry · 09/09/2022 00:26

Cagedbirdsinging · 09/09/2022 00:23

Look him straight in the eye and tell him you stand by every single thing you said . Ask him politely but with a no-nonsense attitude if he would like you to continue the weekend as planned or leave - because he feels uncomfortable after your passionately expressed views .

This is the thing, I really do. I just get all het up and can’t articulate well and it went a bit wonky.

thank you for your non shitty response

OP posts:
Original poster
Poorlyarticulaedbutangry · 09/09/2022 00:28

Please don’t get me wrong. I am not bashing him for hard work or his pension, at all. I was simply ‘setting the scene’.

I also work hard, as does my DH. We benefit from that also, but We won’t be as comfortable in our old age. Not a dig, a statement of fact only.

OP posts:
Original poster
Poorlyarticulaedbutangry · 09/09/2022 00:31

It wasn’t even really an argument.. it was more my extreme exasperation. Expressed poorly. Obviously there was no shouting.

OP posts:
Arenanewbie · 09/09/2022 00:31

I would apologize for not staying calm and polite, for anger and lack of self control but not for the views. Nothing wrong with discussing politics imo and being disagree about it, you just need to stay calm and respectful and learn how to wrap it up. If you can’t of course you avoid it and talk about the weather.
Tbh I noticed that if you disagree about things like you’ve mentioned it’s very difficult to find something to talk about as you are just very different people so I sort of sympathize, it’s tricky with relatives.

YellowTreeHouse · 09/09/2022 00:31

YABU. Of course you can “help it” - you’re a grown adult, presumably you have self control.

It sounds like he’s right to be quite honest. As upsetting as hungry children is, we can’t pay for everyone and everything. There isn’t an infinite money pot.

UWhatNow · 09/09/2022 00:31

“But some of you are right, I should just avoid rising to it. Good little DIL.. keep my mouth shut right?”

Well yes quite frankly if some boorish older man gets the better of you and you lose any sense of perspective or rationale.

DevaleraSpawnOfSatan · 09/09/2022 00:32

If you lack articulation, education and more importantly the social education to know when to stay quiet, then I suggest you do so and quietly gather facts.

My SFIL was an articulate bully, but rather than respond to him and give him oxygen, I used to go, uhu, hmmm, possibly, 🙄I would then go away and research and utterly lay him out without raising my voice the next time it came up for discussion.

bloodyplanes · 09/09/2022 00:33

Minimalme · 09/09/2022 00:25

I don't agree with any of the above responses - he sounds like a self entitled arse who enjoys have a good shout about his appalling opinions.

I bet he isn't going to bed worrying that he is just fallen out with the mother of his grandkids who has been very kind and brought them up to visit.

Don't apologise. See how it goes in the morning and if he can locate his humanity from underneath all that privilege.

To be frank the OP sounds just as appalling and also extremely rude. We all have different opinions when it comes to politics and if you can't disagree with someone without effectively throwing a tantrum then you shouldn't be discussing it at all. The minute a grown adult starts acting like a toddler then you have automatically lost the argument.

UWhatNow · 09/09/2022 00:37

Oh op - your own privilege is showing when you talk about benefitting from ‘working hard’. Yeah cos those low income poor families and their tax that you worry so much about don’t ‘work hard’? Ffs…