My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

AIBU?

To have lost my cool with FIL

219 replies

Poorlyarticulaedbutangry · 09/09/2022 00:06

FIL is a typical baby boomer. Very comfortable in his retirements through property value increases, hard work, and the golden era of defined benefit pension. He is open about his political persuasion. This differs from mine and that if my DH.

FIL started this evening about how Boris had been dealt a rough deal (Covid, Brexit, Ukraine war) but had done well. Better than anyone else would. I enter into gentle discussion.. I try not to, but can’t help it. Yes FIL, Boris did assist in the quick Covid vaccine distribution.. but don’t forget this high per 100,000 Covid death rate in UK.. you know, adding a few inconvenient truths etc.

I don’t know what happened but it all quickly descended and we ended up talking about gas electricity sitch/ poor families/ families having poor diets.. then into free school meals and the fact the threshold is disgustingly low and his total
and complete lack of empathy or awareness and just horrible cold ‘well the government can’t pay for everyone’ and I just lost my rag. Hungry children. Fucking hungry children.

I Lack any eloquence when really bloody angry and I was really bloody angry. Now I’m embarrassed (we are staying at their house for the weekend, they don’t get to see our DC very often), I ended up saying to DH ‘we just can’t come down again’ because I was so completely wound up and upset.
Gaaaah.

horrible. Why couldn’t I just accept that he has very different views and I will never change them, nor should I even bother to try.

AIBU to leave early or do I brass it out.

I know I stand by my poorly delivered points but I am in their home after all. BOLLOCKS.

(No booze on my part, he maybe half a bottle of red down).

OP posts:
Report

Am I being unreasonable?

573 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
65%
You are NOT being unreasonable
35%
picklemewalnuts · 09/09/2022 09:51

I really dislike the current vibe that you can't have a strong opinion and accept that others have strong opinions too.

The assumption that everyone who disagrees with you is ignorant and just needs you to tell them they are wrong is so, so limiting.



Top tip- find stuff you agree on and work from there. No one wants child poverty. No one. The difference comes in how you address it, and indeed how you define it.

I lived a very comfortable life in the 80's. Independent school etc. We were frequently cold at home, had chilblains, used hot water bottles routinely. That was just normal.
Obviously tech felt to be essential now hadn't even been invented. Many people didn't have a phone in their house let alone one each in their pocket.

Remember other people's perspective is really different from yours.

Report
PugInTheHouse · 09/09/2022 09:54

So you accepted but did you also apologise for your behaviour?

Report
HMSSophia · 09/09/2022 09:55

Er. Of course he's in the wrong. It's the HOST who needs to make their home welcoming to their GUEST. He displayed appalling hospitality skills. Glad he apologised. (And politically I'm on your side OP despite being a BB myself)

Report
AlmostDone7 · 09/09/2022 09:58

'If You Are Not a Liberal When You Are Young, You Have No Heart, and If You Are Not a Conservative When Old, You Have No Brain'

Obviously, this does not include our current conservative party lol

I was brought up in poverty, school lunches were my saviour, sometimes the only thing I ate, but this wasn't because I had a shit Government, this is because I had shit parents. There are SO many problems in this country that to have THIS as your problem you get to complain about... you really have no idea how well off you are (and I mean you the OP, not your FIL)

Even given my situation, what I regret the most about my childhood was the lack of support to access opportunities, I was bright, actually very bright. Even given my lack of basic resources i.e. proper nutrition, electricity, heat, any emotional or practical support I still managed to be in the top 10% of my year. Goodness knows what I would have managed with a decent home and parenting! But that's by-the-by. What I needed was someone to explain to me how life worked, and how you got into the courses and the jobs that make a difference.

I didn't get that, and I believe the people who could have helped, looked at me and my lack of pencils, or attendance at parents' nights, or avoidance of anything that required money (because there was NONE), and wrote me off. And if they hadn't, if I was still able to have access to opportunities that would have made a massive difference to me.

(You do understand the threshold for school dinners is earned income - this is topped up with benefits that do take into consideration the cost of food. It's still low and I think school dinners should be accessible to all but just checking you know this!)

I think if we are to turn things around, we need to make decisions that will hurt, and become more difficult. It isn't fair (It really isn't fair), but generation upon generation of low expectation isn't fair either. There are a lot of people in this country not working to their potential because of their background. And nobody pays the price more than they do.

Report
Poorlyarticulaedbutangry · 09/09/2022 09:59

HMSSophia · 09/09/2022 09:55

Er. Of course he's in the wrong. It's the HOST who needs to make their home welcoming to their GUEST. He displayed appalling hospitality skills. Glad he apologised. (And politically I'm on your side OP despite being a BB myself)

Thank you.
I honestly think my use of baby boomer has been taken out of the context intended. I obviously don’t think all BB have the same political/moral persuasions- it was just a reference to when he was born more than anything- and that he has lived through XYZ financial landscapes supporting where he has landed. To me, that element is ‘typical’ not the political part. Phew!

OP posts:
Report
Marmite17 · 09/09/2022 09:59

RewildingAmbridge · 09/09/2022 07:27

Thing is he's right isn't he, the advert isn't too change the threshold for free school meals, that traps people into dependence, the answer is to increase living conditions, wages, hold companies to account for not paying people an amount that can actually support a family. Empowering people to be able to support themselves, I grew up in absolute poverty and hated being eligible for fsm, would've been much better for my parents to get paid properly even though they had no qualifications both worked hard, DF sixty hours in a machinist job DM full time in a nursery where she eventually got enough qualifications to run it but still needed second and third cleaning jobs on top to pay the bills. When something went wrong like the one family car we got when I was about 9 broke down, we were screwed. My parents didn't want hand outs they wanted fair pay for their very hard work.
You sound a bit like a ranty teenager, without fully considered arguments, just headline positions you believe to be tight and won't have challenged, as an adult you should be able to have measured conversations. You need to apologise for being rude.

Do you really believe that people don't work hard now? The percentage of income now, as opposed to guessing 35 years ago? spent on housing, energy has rocketed.
If I were to do an identical job to the one I did 35 years ago when I took out a mortgage, I couldn't have afforded it.
Not to mention decimation of job. Would most likely get paid less to boot. Roles replaced with different job title/ often agency staff.

Report
Marmite17 · 09/09/2022 10:01

First sentence was directed at Ops FIL. Sorry Rewildind, agree with you.

Report
Violinist64 · 09/09/2022 10:03

Starryskiesinthesky · 09/09/2022 06:23

It sounds like you've upset a bunch of tories on here.

Calling him a baby boomer is just descriptive and fine, his views are abhorrent and so it seems reasonable to disagree but I do think, with folk whose politics you know you are going to disagree with, after doing it once it is better just to avoid the topic. Especially when it's family and you need to have an ongoing relationship with them.

If it were me I would acknowledge the situation but not apologise for my views eg sorry for getting so irate last night, I realise we don't all think the same about poverty, empathy etc! Actually maybe I would just say nothing and hope for the best!

Are you the Op’s sister? Why are you saying that, just because the FIL likes Boris Johnson, supports Brexit and is a Tory, his views are abhorrent? I am not a fan of Boris Johnson but, like all humans, he is not all good and not all bad. I cannot understand this reasoning that Labour = automatically good, Conservative = automatically bad. Again, good and bad in both parties. As for talking about “typical boomers,” I have never come across someone who is the same as someone else just because they were born at roughly the same time. In any case, the experiences of someone born in the late 1940s are bound to be different from those born in the 1960s. For the early boomers, the country was still recovering from the Second World War and rationing was around for several years. Admittedly, for the later boomers, life was easier but most people worked hard for very little money. Holidays and not a given and were generally taken in the UK when people were lucky enough to have one. Very few people had much in the manner of labour saving devices and certainly not to the degree we take for granted now. The raging inflation and strikes of the seventies played havoc with people’s finances. Unemployment was rising and school leavers in the early eighties were not automatically guaranteed a job. Yes, we benefited from free grants for higher education but up until the end of the eighties only around 10% of people had a degree. Life experiences colour everyone’s views and, whether we agree with someone politically or not, it is extremely childish to get into shouting matches. Far better to give someone the benefit of the doubt and agree to disagree, especially when a guest in their house.

Report
Violinist64 · 09/09/2022 10:04

*holidays were not a given

Report
Notaflippinclue · 09/09/2022 10:04

Baby boomer here, one of 6 kids on a council estate, loads of similar families, free school meals poor diets, some were feckless some worked hard and got out of it, like mine. My DH worked 7 days a week, I brought up our 2 nippers till they went to secondary school. Saved hard worked hard, we both still do because we enjoy it, I’m sure FILs comfortable life didn’t fall out of a tree. The thing I didn’t like about your post was the veiled threat of depriving him of his grandchild just because he votes Conservative, half the country did. PS. Conservative, Brexiteer, Feminist and front line too - just my opinion don’t hate me.

Report
Mfsf · 09/09/2022 10:11

You say your piece , he is a self entitled old man who hadn’t to easy compared to our generation . People don’t deserve respect just for being old . Anyone voting for boris has no respect from me

Report
Wouldloveanother · 09/09/2022 10:16

Mfsf · 09/09/2022 10:11

You say your piece , he is a self entitled old man who hadn’t to easy compared to our generation . People don’t deserve respect just for being old . Anyone voting for boris has no respect from me

Agreed. It’s impossible not to take it personally when your own family actively vote to make your life harder.

Report
Dragonfly97 · 09/09/2022 10:20

God he sounds just like my DDad! He's sexist as well though, with views he shoukd have left in the 1950s. I have to bite my tongue every time I talk to him; he watches GB News and works himself up into a frenzy- I think he's Boris's biggest fan. It's nauseating. I try not to get drawn into an argument as it only hurts my blood pressure, but it's difficult. He's nearly 90, and the sense of entitlement is through the roof.

Report
picklemewalnuts · 09/09/2022 10:22

Some elements of work are far harder now than they were- professional jobs spill outside their hours in ways they didn't used to because of tech; people are often covering several jobs now.

However many jobs were far more arduous on the past than they are now- again because of tech. There are not as many physically gruelling, dirty, dangerous jobs now as there were.

'Hard work' looked different then.

Report
OfficerArrestThatRuffian · 09/09/2022 10:22

Sounds like he's been very gracious. Did you also apologise for your part, OP?

Report
Tessasanderson · 09/09/2022 10:26

One of the major issues in society is the inability to allow others to have a differeing opinion without the need to resort to anger and nastiness. You managed to display both in equal measure so the actual dissagreement becomes pointless.

I witnessed this daily in the brexit discussions and it horrified me that once calm and happy friends would turn into rabid dogs with people they would otherwise get along with.

Of course its good for everyone to have opinions. Its good to debate them. Its good to learn from others POV. It is not good to expect others to bow down to your opinions based on how agressive you put them accross.

Report
OneFootintheRave · 09/09/2022 10:29

HikingBoots · 09/09/2022 06:57

NEVER GET INTO IT.
My MIL is a passionate Tory who thinks Boris is a thoroughly good egg. My FIL voted to leave the EU. And my dad voted to leave the EU, voted UKIP at the last General Election, and doesn't believe in climate change!
If anything gets mentioned I say one of the following:

  • hmm, not convinced
  • it's all such a mess, I'd rather not discuss it
  • it's too depressing to talk about, let's talk about something else
  • no matter how you vote, I think we can all agree that all politicians are egotistical snakes
  • oh, look, what's that, a bird! 🧐

Ha ha, "look a bird" - yes I use diversion tactics at times with the in laws.

That's not to say I have not challenged gently from time to time but if you have to spend regular time together, what's the point of banging on?

Report
Poorlyarticulaedbutangry · 09/09/2022 10:35

OneFootintheRave · 09/09/2022 10:29

Ha ha, "look a bird" - yes I use diversion tactics at times with the in laws.

That's not to say I have not challenged gently from time to time but if you have to spend regular time together, what's the point of banging on?

This is the advice I will take away.. oh look,a bird! 🙃

OP posts:
Report
Violinist64 · 09/09/2022 10:38

Tessasanderson · 09/09/2022 10:26

One of the major issues in society is the inability to allow others to have a differeing opinion without the need to resort to anger and nastiness. You managed to display both in equal measure so the actual dissagreement becomes pointless.

I witnessed this daily in the brexit discussions and it horrified me that once calm and happy friends would turn into rabid dogs with people they would otherwise get along with.

Of course its good for everyone to have opinions. Its good to debate them. Its good to learn from others POV. It is not good to expect others to bow down to your opinions based on how agressive you put them accross.

Couldn’t agree more.

Report
ancientgran · 09/09/2022 10:39

Poorlyarticulaedbutangry · 09/09/2022 09:51

FIL greeted me at breakfast with ‘I owe you an apology’ quite shocked to be honest. But he did, so I accepted. we agreed to move on, and seems we have. Won’t be repeated. DC a good distraction.

some wild and wonderfully incorrect assumptions here - an interesting read over all

to be clear, I do not begrudge my FIL and MIL anything they have. Nor those in a similar position to them. Like many op wish to flag, my DC may benefit from this one day- or they may not, who knows. I would of course be grateful if they should, who wouldn’t.

This wasn’t what a case of ‘what he has Vs what I have’. I’m fine, DH and I are secure enough in current climate (luck/privilege etc)

It was the point of his (negative) opinions of the welfare state in context of his (v comfortable) position which grates massively. It’s an entirely different point. A nuance missed here.

One does not need to be suffering in their own home to understand that others are and there is 100% a place for good support. My opinion anyway. Others here clearly won’t agree. And that’s fine.

But we’re not leaving, I’m not actually cringing too hard any more (and I still think FSM are necessary and should be extended) ✌🏻

How gracious of you to accept his apology. I'm assuming you also apologised for "losing your rag" when a guest in his home?

Report
ancientgran · 09/09/2022 10:41

Violinist64 · 09/09/2022 10:38

Couldn’t agree more.

Exactly right. I'm a Labour voting "boomer" married to a man of colour but I still think the OP was way out of order and very narrow minded in her "typical boomer" views.

Report
ReneBumsWombats · 09/09/2022 10:43

So your FIL is capable of apologising and respecting differing views. Are you?

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

ARabbitisaBunny · 09/09/2022 10:57

5foot5 · 09/09/2022 00:16

FIL is a typical baby boomer.

OK so you lost my sympathy right there by implying that everyone of a certain generation must, by definition, all hold the same views and political beliefs.

This.

Report
ForestofD · 09/09/2022 11:07

You are coming from the view that you are correct and he is wrong. Life isn't usually that clear cut though is it? On the whole, people aren't like that either.
There may be nuggets of things that he thought (coz as the kids like to say...lived experience and all that..) that were correct.
There would also be things that you said were correct.

You however, were and still are, convinced that you are totally correct. And you are now in a situation where you cannot actually get to the nub of it.
And you will never change his mind like this. If you are a well educated person, I would suggest you think about the fact that this mind set of I am totally correct and he is totally wrong isn't the way to go.
Of course, if he had been racist etc then that's a different matter.
But it's also the reason that lots of people can't have a proper discussion about politics etc because 'let's agree to disagree' seems to be a thing of the past.

When people are being told they are wrong, they just tend to dig their heels in. And the fact that you were willing to see him less because you don't agree with his politics is......kind of sad. If he brings something to your and DH's life, this is worth working through.

There is people in my life who have totally opposite beliefs to me. And that's fine- good even. They add to my life in different ways.

Report
MichelleScarn · 09/09/2022 11:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Do you still think he's an 'old sod' and people who disagree with you are 'scum'?
Interesting you still plan to benefit from any inheritance despite your distaste for him!

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.