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AIBU?

To have lost my cool with FIL

219 replies

Poorlyarticulaedbutangry · 09/09/2022 00:06

FIL is a typical baby boomer. Very comfortable in his retirements through property value increases, hard work, and the golden era of defined benefit pension. He is open about his political persuasion. This differs from mine and that if my DH.

FIL started this evening about how Boris had been dealt a rough deal (Covid, Brexit, Ukraine war) but had done well. Better than anyone else would. I enter into gentle discussion.. I try not to, but can’t help it. Yes FIL, Boris did assist in the quick Covid vaccine distribution.. but don’t forget this high per 100,000 Covid death rate in UK.. you know, adding a few inconvenient truths etc.

I don’t know what happened but it all quickly descended and we ended up talking about gas electricity sitch/ poor families/ families having poor diets.. then into free school meals and the fact the threshold is disgustingly low and his total
and complete lack of empathy or awareness and just horrible cold ‘well the government can’t pay for everyone’ and I just lost my rag. Hungry children. Fucking hungry children.

I Lack any eloquence when really bloody angry and I was really bloody angry. Now I’m embarrassed (we are staying at their house for the weekend, they don’t get to see our DC very often), I ended up saying to DH ‘we just can’t come down again’ because I was so completely wound up and upset.
Gaaaah.

horrible. Why couldn’t I just accept that he has very different views and I will never change them, nor should I even bother to try.

AIBU to leave early or do I brass it out.

I know I stand by my poorly delivered points but I am in their home after all. BOLLOCKS.

(No booze on my part, he maybe half a bottle of red down).

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

573 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
65%
You are NOT being unreasonable
35%
Thisbastardcomputer · 09/09/2022 09:10

We are shaped by our experiences in life, the clever thing is keeping your mouth shut and not forcing it on other people. That's both of you.

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RealBecca · 09/09/2022 09:11

Signing out now as the scum bags have arrived.

^^Is this how you flounced with FIL?

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ancientgran · 09/09/2022 09:12

Branleuse · 09/09/2022 08:33

Brass it out. Go down and put a sign up saying NO TALK ABOUT POLITICS, NO ROYAL FAMILY, NO BREXIT NO RELIGION'

put a penny jar and try and make a joke of it..

Put up a sign in someone else's house? A sign telling them what they can talk about?

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Mumspair1 · 09/09/2022 09:16

Aquamarine1029 · 09/09/2022 00:13

You seriously need to work on your self control. Stop getting into conversations you clearly can't handle. Also, your FIL doesn't have to agree with you, and you aren't necessarily right.

This. I had to eyeroll at your know it all attitude. Just don't get into and walk away. You are in control here. And you also don't have any right to tell your dh not to come again.

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Questionaboutjoboffer · 09/09/2022 09:17

Pixiedust1234 · 09/09/2022 01:52

There are plenty of people in that age range with access to property. Doesnt mean they are rich enough to eat properly or heat their house. Its an offensive term and can put peoples backs up. It was originally a descriptive word but it got taken over very quickly to be insulting (and has been for a while).

This

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MichelleScarn · 09/09/2022 09:20

EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 09/09/2022 09:03

Does he live in an echo chamber or epistemic bubble?

"An ‘epistemic bubble’ is an informational network from which relevant voices have been excluded by omission. That omission might be purposeful: we might be selectively avoiding contact with contrary views because, say, they make us uncomfortable. As social scientists tell us, we like to engage in selective exposure, seeking out information that confirms our own worldview. But that omission can also be entirely inadvertent. Even if we’re not actively trying to avoid disagreement, our Facebook friends tend to share our views and interests. When we take networks built for social reasons and start using them as our information feeds, we tend to miss out on contrary views and run into exaggerated degrees of agreement.

An ‘echo chamber’ is a social structure from which other relevant voices have been actively discredited. Where an epistemic bubble merely omits contrary views, an echo chamber brings its members to actively distrust outsiders.

blog.ayjay.org/a-useful-distinction/

There are choices of action between full on row and pledges never to visit again and 'keeping your mouth shut'. I take it that your FIL hasn't demanded that you should leave.

He's in a far more vulnerable position as a grandparent, FIL and host, and hosts are not used to this sort of blow-up during visits.

Thanks @EmbarrassingHadrosaurus that's really interesting to read, my surmise is that the op is in an echo chamber as she is clearly discrediting the fact that people can have different views to her with out being aggressive and rude!

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hattie43 · 09/09/2022 09:21

You'd lose my respect if you were my dil. People have differing views about a lot of things but your outburst sounds very unnecessary.

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MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 09/09/2022 09:21

FIL is a typical baby boomer. Very comfortable in his retirements through property value increases, hard work, and the golden era of defined benefit pension


Sorry you have to live in a world with us obnoxious boomers who don't defer to you and your opinions, OP. Never mind, we'll be dead soon.

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hattie43 · 09/09/2022 09:24

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 09/09/2022 09:21

FIL is a typical baby boomer. Very comfortable in his retirements through property value increases, hard work, and the golden era of defined benefit pension


Sorry you have to live in a world with us obnoxious boomers who don't defer to you and your opinions, OP. Never mind, we'll be dead soon.

I'm sure OP will be happy to have the inheritance from this lucky privileged ' baby boomer ' .
Let's hope she donates it to the local food bank eh 🤪

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MichelleScarn · 09/09/2022 09:25

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 09/09/2022 09:21

FIL is a typical baby boomer. Very comfortable in his retirements through property value increases, hard work, and the golden era of defined benefit pension


Sorry you have to live in a world with us obnoxious boomers who don't defer to you and your opinions, OP. Never mind, we'll be dead soon.

Like pp have said am assuming op has told the inlaws how much she detests their assets and absolutely does not wish to benefit from these. Also that she's made it clear to her own children her abhorrence of such things and they will also not gain from any will.

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Marmite17 · 09/09/2022 09:30

DevaleraSpawnOfSatan · 09/09/2022 00:32

If you lack articulation, education and more importantly the social education to know when to stay quiet, then I suggest you do so and quietly gather facts.

My SFIL was an articulate bully, but rather than respond to him and give him oxygen, I used to go, uhu, hmmm, possibly, 🙄I would then go away and research and utterly lay him out without raising my voice the next time it came up for discussion.

Doesn't work. Tbh if someone has wildly different political views from my own it would jepodise the relationship. And can't fix stupid eg voting Leave due to immigration. Neighbour genuinely thought Asian and African immigrants had come from EU countries. Couldn't reason with her.
I wouldn't apologise tbh but would just avoid conversations about politics. In my mind would respect him less if he can't back opinions up with facts.

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Doingprettywellthanks · 09/09/2022 09:33

Poorlyarticulaedbutangry · 09/09/2022 00:31

It wasn’t even really an argument.. it was more my extreme exasperation. Expressed poorly. Obviously there was no shouting.

Back tracking OP

you said in op I just lost my rag. Hungry children. Fucking hungry children.


I Lack any eloquence when really bloody angry and I was really bloody angry. Now I’m embarrassed

but now you say no shouting and give the impression it was all very civilised, simply a disagreement

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Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/09/2022 09:33

Signing out now as the scum bags have arrived. Tataa

Easy to see how the situation arose with an attitude like this ...

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LazyLucy21 · 09/09/2022 09:35

YANBU. I have the exact same situation with my inlaws, as well as my DM's partner. I think if your FIL going to express a political opinion (especially when he knows you differ in opinion) then he should be prepared for them to push back. I also don't agree with this crap about him being able to spout his nonsense unchallenged because it's his own home. Surely that's worse? When I have guests I want to make sure they're comfortable, I don't deliberately provoke them by expressing views I know they're uncomfortable with. He brought it up, he wanted a response. You shouldn't have to sit and listen to it.

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Doingprettywellthanks · 09/09/2022 09:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Not a chance this OP is a guardian reader. Not. A. Chance.

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Blablasheep · 09/09/2022 09:38

Bollocks!! We can start paying everyone a decent salary so their children don't go hungry!
Many people in this county work extremely hard and still barely get by.

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Wouldloveanother · 09/09/2022 09:39

YellowTreeHouse · 09/09/2022 00:31

YABU. Of course you can “help it” - you’re a grown adult, presumably you have self control.

It sounds like he’s right to be quite honest. As upsetting as hungry children is, we can’t pay for everyone and everything. There isn’t an infinite money pot.

Well we can start by removing fuel allowances and free bus passes from wealthy pensioners then can’t we? Wonder what he would say about that?

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fruitbrewhaha · 09/09/2022 09:41

I would just say you are terribly sorry for getting so cross but that you are very passionate and angry regarding the terrible inequality in the UK and that we should all be standing up to stop the transfer of wealth from the many to the few.

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Doingprettywellthanks · 09/09/2022 09:42

Blablasheep · 09/09/2022 09:38

Bollocks!! We can start paying everyone a decent salary so their children don't go hungry!
Many people in this county work extremely hard and still barely get by.

When you say “we” you do you mean? Presumably employers.

are you an employer?

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fruitbrewhaha · 09/09/2022 09:42

Wouldloveanother · 09/09/2022 09:39

Well we can start by removing fuel allowances and free bus passes from wealthy pensioners then can’t we? Wonder what he would say about that?

There was an infinite pot of money when issuing out PPE contracts though!

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Wouldloveanother · 09/09/2022 09:43

fruitbrewhaha · 09/09/2022 09:42

There was an infinite pot of money when issuing out PPE contracts though!

If he’s complaining about it, he can go first and hand back the benefits that he doesn’t need.

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Hadtocomment · 09/09/2022 09:45

A lot of nasty replies to you OP. I'm sympathetic if it helps.

You lost your cool a bit stuck with someone trotting out arguments that seemed heartless to you and minimised issues you really care about. I imagine it's also the tone etc as well. You're only human. People can blah on about being a meek guest in someone's house. But it's just as much the host's responsibility not to escalate these situations. The pair of you had an argument. Which is fine really. Not the end of the world.

But you feel really upset and that's a horrible way to feel.

My suggestions are not to immediately leave as that will just cement the bad atmosphere and tension for the future. Don't apologise because you meant what you said. If the tension has subsided today maybe some light-hearted comments making light of the situation. or else just be breezy and nice and don't refer to it, just move forward. I find that in situations like this that, going forward, the best thing to do is to try and stand back and mentally put a bit of a buffer between you and the person. As a FIL there is tension because you will feel a bit trapped and what's more you're in his house and have to be polite. But maybe try to imagine a buffer between you so instead of immediately responding, maybe you can slow things down. If you put a bit of a buffer there you can observe him a bit more and not let things emotionally affect you in quite the same way. It can help to try and see him less emotionally - like a person you are studying. I know that sounds odd. But it can help . You can even turn a bit into fun like knowing he will say things that annoy you and almost do a bingo with it. Have a joke with yourself about it. If you are ever going to change him, getting super het up although understandable) probably won't work anyway. I don't think you have to be "good DIH" and not express your views. It's just that getting het up and upset feels really unpleasant for the person feeling upset so the putting a buffer in and looking at him more humourously and dispassionately can help you not be so upset by him and also maybe will let you see areas where there might be inroads in the future perhaps.

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fruitbrewhaha · 09/09/2022 09:45

Doingprettywellthanks · 09/09/2022 09:33

Back tracking OP

you said in op I just lost my rag. Hungry children. Fucking hungry children.


I Lack any eloquence when really bloody angry and I was really bloody angry. Now I’m embarrassed

but now you say no shouting and give the impression it was all very civilised, simply a disagreement

You can be really fucking angry and not shout swear and want to start a fight ou know?

I read it that the OP was so cross she couldn't articulate and debate, not that she tipped the table over and punched a wall.

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FlipFlopShopInHawaii · 09/09/2022 09:47

I don't think you need to apologise for your opinion, but sounds like you do need to apologise for how you expressed it.
This morning, say sorry about shouting/ raging last night. Let's just agree to disagree. In future you can of course voice your opinions, but keep the rage at a minimum.

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Poorlyarticulaedbutangry · 09/09/2022 09:51

FIL greeted me at breakfast with ‘I owe you an apology’ quite shocked to be honest. But he did, so I accepted. we agreed to move on, and seems we have. Won’t be repeated. DC a good distraction.

some wild and wonderfully incorrect assumptions here - an interesting read over all

to be clear, I do not begrudge my FIL and MIL anything they have. Nor those in a similar position to them. Like many op wish to flag, my DC may benefit from this one day- or they may not, who knows. I would of course be grateful if they should, who wouldn’t.

This wasn’t what a case of ‘what he has Vs what I have’. I’m fine, DH and I are secure enough in current climate (luck/privilege etc)

It was the point of his (negative) opinions of the welfare state in context of his (v comfortable) position which grates massively. It’s an entirely different point. A nuance missed here.

One does not need to be suffering in their own home to understand that others are and there is 100% a place for good support. My opinion anyway. Others here clearly won’t agree. And that’s fine.

But we’re not leaving, I’m not actually cringing too hard any more (and I still think FSM are necessary and should be extended) ✌🏻

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