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AIBU?

To have lost my cool with FIL

219 replies

Poorlyarticulaedbutangry · 09/09/2022 00:06

FIL is a typical baby boomer. Very comfortable in his retirements through property value increases, hard work, and the golden era of defined benefit pension. He is open about his political persuasion. This differs from mine and that if my DH.

FIL started this evening about how Boris had been dealt a rough deal (Covid, Brexit, Ukraine war) but had done well. Better than anyone else would. I enter into gentle discussion.. I try not to, but can’t help it. Yes FIL, Boris did assist in the quick Covid vaccine distribution.. but don’t forget this high per 100,000 Covid death rate in UK.. you know, adding a few inconvenient truths etc.

I don’t know what happened but it all quickly descended and we ended up talking about gas electricity sitch/ poor families/ families having poor diets.. then into free school meals and the fact the threshold is disgustingly low and his total
and complete lack of empathy or awareness and just horrible cold ‘well the government can’t pay for everyone’ and I just lost my rag. Hungry children. Fucking hungry children.

I Lack any eloquence when really bloody angry and I was really bloody angry. Now I’m embarrassed (we are staying at their house for the weekend, they don’t get to see our DC very often), I ended up saying to DH ‘we just can’t come down again’ because I was so completely wound up and upset.
Gaaaah.

horrible. Why couldn’t I just accept that he has very different views and I will never change them, nor should I even bother to try.

AIBU to leave early or do I brass it out.

I know I stand by my poorly delivered points but I am in their home after all. BOLLOCKS.

(No booze on my part, he maybe half a bottle of red down).

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Am I being unreasonable?

573 votes. Final results.

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You are being unreasonable
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You are NOT being unreasonable
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Poorlyarticulaedbutangry · 09/09/2022 00:40

UWhatNow
Oh christ, give me a break. I’m exactly in this situation because I do give one about poor families, hard working or not to be honest. People are poor for a million and one reasons. There should be support for them. This is basically what I got into a row (low key row) about in the first place..

yep, I’m not destitute and I have a decent career. I can still give a shit about others.

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MyBabyLaura · 09/09/2022 00:42

Minimalme · 09/09/2022 00:25

I don't agree with any of the above responses - he sounds like a self entitled arse who enjoys have a good shout about his appalling opinions.

I bet he isn't going to bed worrying that he is just fallen out with the mother of his grandkids who has been very kind and brought them up to visit.

Don't apologise. See how it goes in the morning and if he can locate his humanity from underneath all that privilege.

This. He's actually being quite rude sharing political opinions which he knows his guests don't share. Yes they shouldn't have talked politics, a conversation the FIL started.

OP should apologize though, because although FIL is an arse he's got the right to be an arse in his own home. It's not like he's done anything illegal.

OP you need to either accept you don't like FIL, develop strategies to cope when you stay with him for the sake of your DH or accept your dislike is a reason to not stay with him. You could always stay in a hotel and drop by for dinner or a trip out somewhere.

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Aquamarine1029 · 09/09/2022 00:44

Poorlyarticulaedbutangry · 09/09/2022 00:17

I do find him very antagonistic, and maybe like the they live in an eco chamber.. so he doesn’t see the ‘other side’ of things very often.

But some of you are right, I should just avoid rising to it. Good little DIL.. keep my mouth shut right?

FFS, enough with the dramatics. If you could have a calm, sensible debate this wouldn't be an issue. It would also help if you could learn to agree to disagree and let things go and not lose your composure, especially when you're a guest in someone's home.

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GrumpyPanda · 09/09/2022 00:48

5foot5 · 09/09/2022 00:16

FIL is a typical baby boomer.

OK so you lost my sympathy right there by implying that everyone of a certain generation must, by definition, all hold the same views and political beliefs.

This. All the 60s revolutionaries were baby boomers (who then went on to whine about GenXers being too apolitical!)

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Longdistance · 09/09/2022 00:48

So you’re staying at your fils home and decided to jump on him. Not cool at all.
Calling him a boomer is piss poor too. Your lack of respect for him is really showing, especially the way you talk about him. You’ve put your dh in an awkward position too.

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Valeriekat · 09/09/2022 00:50

Poorlyarticulaedbutangry · 09/09/2022 00:28

Please don’t get me wrong. I am not bashing him for hard work or his pension, at all. I was simply ‘setting the scene’.

I also work hard, as does my DH. We benefit from that also, but We won’t be as comfortable in our old age. Not a dig, a statement of fact only.

It really sounds like you are.
He may be comfortable now but I am willing to bet his younger years were nowhere near as comfortable as yours were. You sound unbearably self righteous.

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DevaleraSpawnOfSatan · 09/09/2022 00:50

Not all boomers are the same..................🙄

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Lucyintheskywithrubies · 09/09/2022 00:52

Classic boomer. What a prick. YANBU OP

next time just say “ok boomer”

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Poorlyarticulaedbutangry · 09/09/2022 00:53

My DH does not feel awkward in any way. He feels sad that his Dad is as he is. He doesn’t think I should apologise (I wasn’t shouting or anything.. it’s not that kind of sitch) I might still do so, I’ll see in the morning.

I didn’t call him any names, including boomer- I simply used that term to describe him
here in MN. He is a person born in the ‘boom’ of births immediately after the second WW, If that’s preferable. He’s old, basically.

Im not especially thrilled with myself, I should have kept my mouth shut - but he isn’t very pleasant in his line of thought about ‘the poor’ and it pisses me off to be honest. I bit and I shouldn’t have done.

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Poorlyarticulaedbutangry · 09/09/2022 00:56

Valeriekat · 09/09/2022 00:50

It really sounds like you are.
He may be comfortable now but I am willing to bet his younger years were nowhere near as comfortable as yours were. You sound unbearably self righteous.

Probably, but the point is.. his life NOW is far more comfortable than lots of families.. the ones he was begrudging services like free school meals. It just gripped my shit when clearly I should have shrugged it off.

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Lucyintheskywithrubies · 09/09/2022 01:01

Op you haven’t done anything wrong, don’t feel you have to backtrack because other boomers are offended. Those views are offensive.

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Dillydollydingdong · 09/09/2022 01:12

It's probably time you stopped digging, OP. Speaking as a 'boomer' myself (ie. old) and a fairly well educated professional, I tend to feel we've lived through hardships you can't even imagine, OP. Your FIL has earned the right to voice his opinions in his own home, even if you don't agree with them.

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Sphinx2 · 09/09/2022 01:13

We come from the same generation, but please don't call people 'boomers'. It's disrespectful. Every generation has its issues - I mean, the 1970s + 1980s weren't a bed of roses for many people, especially up north.

However, I think you probably need to stop debating these issues with him. To me, as someone who comes from a family where we had nothing (even in times when there was an economic boom) and impacted bad in the last recession, I would say maybe you, instead of blaming him and their generation, maybe look at the positive things you've got? You know, you have a husband, a professional career - something that most women and men I know don't have - you probably have a home that you own (albeit a smaller property) you probably have a lot more going for you than you realise.

So there is no need to debate with your FIL on these just apologise in the morning and let it blow over. Just ignore his comments, it's not worth arguing about. There's no point, enjoy your weekend!

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Pixiedust1234 · 09/09/2022 01:14

Everyone is entitled to different opinions however you are coming across as insulting and rude. Boomer is classed as an insulting word now, same as snowflake or woke.

There's a reason money, religion and politics shouldn't be discussed. I think that reason has whacked you over the head. You don't have to apologise for your views but you should certainly apologise for the delivery of those views. Agree to disagree and move on.

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LDN1 · 09/09/2022 01:18

Cagedbirdsinging · 09/09/2022 00:23

Look him straight in the eye and tell him you stand by every single thing you said . Ask him politely but with a no-nonsense attitude if he would like you to continue the weekend as planned or leave - because he feels uncomfortable after your passionately expressed views .

This!

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Ottersmith · 09/09/2022 01:23

Sounds like he needed to hear it. Doesn't seem like many people challenge his stupid views. Good for you. Best just ride the rest of the stay out and if he wants to bring up politics again then that's up to him.

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Ottersmith · 09/09/2022 01:26

I think 'Boomers' is fine. That's what they are. They should be glad they don't get called 'Gammon'. Yes the 70s and 80s were hard, but what was the average house price compared to the average wage?

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ZooMount · 09/09/2022 01:30

Aquamarine1029 · 09/09/2022 00:13

You seriously need to work on your self control. Stop getting into conversations you clearly can't handle. Also, your FIL doesn't have to agree with you, and you aren't necessarily right.

Agree.

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Poorlyarticulaedbutangry · 09/09/2022 01:31

Ottersmith · 09/09/2022 01:26

I think 'Boomers' is fine. That's what they are. They should be glad they don't get called 'Gammon'. Yes the 70s and 80s were hard, but what was the average house price compared to the average wage?

Ah yes, quite. We’ve touched on this in the past, past interest rates are a fave topic for FIL. I’ve never found myself being so wound up previously though.

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been and done it. · 09/09/2022 01:34

5foot5 · 09/09/2022 00:16

FIL is a typical baby boomer.

OK so you lost my sympathy right there by implying that everyone of a certain generation must, by definition, all hold the same views and political beliefs.

Yep...rude and silly remark

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been and done it. · 09/09/2022 01:39

Lucyintheskywithrubies · 09/09/2022 01:01

Op you haven’t done anything wrong, don’t feel you have to backtrack because other boomers are offended. Those views are offensive.

I'm getting pretty pissed off with all this boomer shit to be honest - it's always thrown in, in a derogatory manner..

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Whatsonmymindgrapes · 09/09/2022 01:42

Just laugh it off- I’d say “what sort of party it is if you can’t have a fight?”

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Poorlyarticulaedbutangry · 09/09/2022 01:42

I wasn’t even being derogatory re ‘Boomer’. It was inferring an age range, and his access to property which has increased in value hugely to date and to defined benefit pensions which were much more the norm for the ‘boomers’ generation. That’s it.

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Poorlyarticulaedbutangry · 09/09/2022 01:45

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 09/09/2022 01:42

Just laugh it off- I’d say “what sort of party it is if you can’t have a fight?”

I’ll go for this I reckon.
..and maybe leave a bit longer before the next visit ;)

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adamanti · 09/09/2022 01:48

Grow up. I cannot imagine how tedious it must be to have to live with an angry guardian reader. Poor DH and his family.

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