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To have lost my cool with FIL

219 replies

Poorlyarticulaedbutangry · 09/09/2022 00:06

FIL is a typical baby boomer. Very comfortable in his retirements through property value increases, hard work, and the golden era of defined benefit pension. He is open about his political persuasion. This differs from mine and that if my DH.

FIL started this evening about how Boris had been dealt a rough deal (Covid, Brexit, Ukraine war) but had done well. Better than anyone else would. I enter into gentle discussion.. I try not to, but can’t help it. Yes FIL, Boris did assist in the quick Covid vaccine distribution.. but don’t forget this high per 100,000 Covid death rate in UK.. you know, adding a few inconvenient truths etc.

I don’t know what happened but it all quickly descended and we ended up talking about gas electricity sitch/ poor families/ families having poor diets.. then into free school meals and the fact the threshold is disgustingly low and his total
and complete lack of empathy or awareness and just horrible cold ‘well the government can’t pay for everyone’ and I just lost my rag. Hungry children. Fucking hungry children.

I Lack any eloquence when really bloody angry and I was really bloody angry. Now I’m embarrassed (we are staying at their house for the weekend, they don’t get to see our DC very often), I ended up saying to DH ‘we just can’t come down again’ because I was so completely wound up and upset.

horrible. Why couldn’t I just accept that he has very different views and I will never change them, nor should I even bother to try.

AIBU to leave early or do I brass it out.

I know I stand by my poorly delivered points but I am in their home after all. BOLLOCKS.

(No booze on my part, he maybe half a bottle of red down).

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

573 votes. Final results.

You are being unreasonable
You are NOT being unreasonable
Greenpolkadot · 09/09/2022 07:40

I would applogize for the heated discussion but not for your views.
We're all entitled to those

WisherWood · 09/09/2022 07:41

Poorlyarticulaedbutangry · 09/09/2022 00:17

I do find him very antagonistic, and maybe like the they live in an eco chamber.. so he doesn’t see the ‘other side’ of things very often.

But some of you are right, I should just avoid rising to it. Good little DIL.. keep my mouth shut right?

The thing is, you're now upset and feeling guilty. So clearly acting in the way you did isn't good for you, never mind FIL. Yes, B. Johnson supporters are infuriating. But a top tip is to laugh at them. When they start on this stuff, snort with laughter and if you have to say anything, just make it 'oh my god, do you believe that stuff?' and carry on laughing. He didn't logic himself into this position and you won't logic him out of it.

And if Johnson's really pissing you off. remember QE2 did a number on him by outliving his premiership by two days before shuffling off this mortal coil. As bad as Truss is, at least we didn't have to put up with Johnson presiding over a change in monarch. He has gone now. Take heart in that.

AlbertaAnnie · 09/09/2022 07:41

You can make views clear without loosing your shit. It’s his opinion and although you think he’s wrong - he obviously thinks others wise and is allowed to. You will make things worse if you leave early - just apologise for being rude and move on

SalviaOfficinalis · 09/09/2022 07:42

From your description of “there was no shouting obviously”, it was probably not as bad as you think it was.
Just put it behind you and carry on. If anything is mentioned just say “I think it’s best not to talk about politics again”.

Would a man ever consider going home early because he’d lost his cool a little and given his views? No of course not. Brazen it out.

plantseverywhere · 09/09/2022 07:42

I literally would not bother having discussions with people whose opinions clearly massively differ from you, are unlikely to change their mind, and who also are your in laws. It’s a weird relationship anyway because you are close with them (hopefully) but you also aren’t family and you want to maintain peace.
I would have had to bite my tongue but honestly I wouldn’t sit there and argue with my partner’s husband in his house. It’s pointless, won’t achieve anything other than tension and puts your DH in a difficult position listening to his wife have a go at his dad. Honestly save yourself the hassle next time, it’s not even about who is right or wrong.

WifeMotherWorker · 09/09/2022 07:43

You’re just rude, get off your high horse and have some respect for differing opinions and try and have a grown up conversation!!

FOJN · 09/09/2022 07:43

Sounds like two comfortably off people having a row about "the poor". Having grown up in a poor household I'm always amused by middle class opinions of "the poor".

Its hard to become emotional if your opinions are well researched and informed, you can just present facts, did you have any argument beyond "starving children"?

I wouldn't worry too much about your retirement, you'll inherit from the awful boomer.

Aiionwatha · 09/09/2022 07:45

Just apologise

HiCockalorum · 09/09/2022 07:47

Wow OP, what a bizarrely unlucky thread for you! You had a red mist moment when listening to FIL being callous and uncompassionate. You explained the context using a standard generation definition (silent, baby boomer, gen x, millennial, gen z, gen alpha) and didn’t even shorten it to Boomer. And a Shut Up Woman crowd have descended on you, telling you it’s just an opinion that hungry children is a bad thing, and that we should respect opinions to the contrary! 🤣 Irony is, they’re rude and furious after much more trivial provocation than it sounds like you received, yet are lecturing you on self control! Perhaps “Stereotypical baby boomer” might have been better than “typical baby boomer”, but I thought that was fairly clearly implied, unless looking to take offence.
I agree he’s unlikely to be as bothered about it as you are.
I also don’t think you’re the first person to get angry at his kind of attitude - didn’t turn out well for “let them eat cake” if I remember rightly…..

Thoughtful2355 · 09/09/2022 07:47

I'd hate this too, my life hasn't gone so well, I've tried so hard to make things happen. harder than most people I know but life has dealt me too many obstacles and even though I'm still trying, my kids need those free school meals and i need that universal credit, I'm not sat on my arse. I'm genuinely trying to better my life but it's so hard.

I do wish I hadn't had children when I did but I didn't get a choice on the matter unless I wanted to Abort and I really didn't.

We do Okay and I work some Shifts when I can, but I will never be able to get a job earning over 20/25k unless I get really lucky in which case with 2 kids, I'm still really on the line of what I can afford.

I have no Qualifications and no real Experience to reference due to having children and Maternity and most of my previous workplaces no longer in business.
I didn't get a good Education because life had other things in store for me but I don't feel that was my fault and yes I am salty about it.

People Judge me because of my council house and benefits and FSM ( I'm judging myself too!!!!) But truthfully I don't care if they judge me just don't Judge my Children, I have the most beautiful 4- and 3-year-old and I WILL make things better for them, but it makes you lose motivation when you're trying as hard as you can and then they go fucking with the energy bill like they do especially when like me you're on a PAYG meter and have already put £230 on this month)

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 09/09/2022 07:48

You don’t have to attend every argument. I think it’s rude to yell at someone in their own home. I think a simple Lets agree to disagree goes a long way to a happy life.

Tierne · 09/09/2022 07:48

You sound like a classic contemporary Labour voter, upper middle class with a faux bleeding heart provided people dont have different views to your own, at which point you do a U turn and people are "scum" and "boomers".

J0y · 09/09/2022 07:50

He sounds horrible. I used to find people like him quite triggering too, but they enjoy the row, they're buzzed afterwards. You're drained and depressed. So it's not about being a good little DIL. it's radically accepting he is a horror of a human being and just letting him be.

arethereanyleftatall · 09/09/2022 07:56

So tell us op, now that you've scored all the points for voicing your (obviously superior and kinder) opinions to help the hungry children, can you tell us what you actually DO to help the poor hungry children? Do you help at the food bank every week? Donate your disposable income to the food bank?

itsnotmeitsdefinitelyyou · 09/09/2022 07:56

You and FIL actually sound quiet similar:

You both live in echo chambers, you both want to win the debate, neither of you wants to hear the other person's argument and you both think your opinion is correct.

FIL sounds like he has the upper hand in that you are inarticulate and lose your cool when disagreed with.

You don't have to agree with FIL's opinions, you don't have to say nothing 'like a good DIL' but you can learn to pick your battles and agree to disagree before things get heated.
Just because someone holds an opposing opinion doesn't make them wrong and you really need to open your mind to the idea that not everyone thinks the same way as you do, it's called maturity.

Poorlyarticulaedbutangry 0

Life is about learning and growing, you can learn and grow from this experience.

LookItsMeAgain · 09/09/2022 07:56

Poorlyarticulaedbutangry · 09/09/2022 00:17

I do find him very antagonistic, and maybe like the they live in an eco chamber.. so he doesn’t see the ‘other side’ of things very often.

But some of you are right, I should just avoid rising to it. Good little DIL.. keep my mouth shut right?

I presume you meant an echo chamber (where they only hear their own views repeated back to them). Time to take a step back, apologise for not knowing everything and learn to get control of your temper.

EmergencyPoncho · 09/09/2022 07:57

I'm with you OP. My parents can be similar and they enjoy expressing an alternative view and regard it as "sport", their word. You didn't shout so I'm not getting what was so wrong, your OP suggested you

EmergencyPoncho · 09/09/2022 07:58

Argh... Lost your cool and got angry but I'm not sure you did.

FarFromHome2 · 09/09/2022 08:00

but don’t forget this high per 100,000 Covid death rate in UK

But the UK didn’t have a high rate. We are at around the European average, which is quite good given our population density, age profile and obesity levels.

Why start out the discussion with a lie?

Quitelikeacatslife · 09/09/2022 08:05

Maybe use the queens passing as a way of calming things, say it has got you thinking that she will have had to meet and talk with lots of people she disagreed with and perhaps we should all try to handle things with her diplomacy.
It's a way in without backing down

FarFromHome2 · 09/09/2022 08:07

Poorlyarticulaedbutangry · 09/09/2022 00:17

I do find him very antagonistic, and maybe like the they live in an eco chamber.. so he doesn’t see the ‘other side’ of things very often.

But some of you are right, I should just avoid rising to it. Good little DIL.. keep my mouth shut right?

Well no, but maybe try to engage like an adult, and don’t use made-up facts just because you aren’t equipped for a conversation with someone who perhaps understands the data better than you.

Arts degree at a “new” university?

greenflamingo · 09/09/2022 08:10

I feel for you OP. My FIL and I did exactly this a few years ago. The following day I told him I love and respect him and I’m fine with us not agreeing about politics. He huffed and puffed and it was awkward for a few days but we styled it out eventually. All will be okay!


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PugInTheHouse · 09/09/2022 08:12

The trouble is that you believe your 100% right also when actually neither of you are. I absolute cannot stand people that are so up their own arses about their political views that that behave how you have done as cannot accept other people have different opinions. It is impossible to have any sort of discussion when in no way you are willing to understand any of what someone else is saying.

I have a couple of friends like you who think they are superior to everyone else about politics, they don't necessarily vote differently to our friendship but they are more 'passionate' than,everyone else and like to pick out headlines about other parties rather than discussing what is the truth. We completely avoid political conversations with them and as a result they believe we are uneducated about it when in fact it is the other way round. I don't really care though as I just don't want to argue with them about it.

VioletInsolence · 09/09/2022 08:15

It’s very difficult to listen to the opinion of people who’ve made most of their money through property price increases. You’ll inherit it one day if you’re nice!

BeardyButton · 09/09/2022 08:15

I agree with all your opinions. But I have also learned the hard way that there is very little point having these sorts of discussions with certain people. No one changes their mind. There’s no genuine commitment to understanding- Jst one side trying to ‘win’.

Rightly or wrongly, when people like this give their opinion about how the government can’t feed all the hungry kids (cos they are too busy propping up the boomers property prices), then I make some sort of non commutable grunt and change the conversation. In truth, I think the other person feels they are being ‘handled’ but that’s better than getting into a barny.

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