AIBU?
Please help me extricate myself from this situation (CF)
LondonUnited · 08/09/2022 17:07
My daughter has just started high school. Due to where we live, only a few people from the area go. It’s about a 1.5 - 2 mile walk.
A friend introduced me to her friend, who lives locally and whose daughter is also starting at the same high school. We met up before school returned and agreed to lift share some days. So far so good.
However, this has turned into me taking and collecting the girls on some days, and my daughter walking on her own on the other days, because the dad has taken the other daughter without offering my DD a lift! Their daughter is now here because they don’t want her at their house alone after school. This really doesn’t work for me as I have four children of my own, two jobs and my own things to do. I feel really taken advantage of and fear it will only get worse.
How to get out of this? Help!
Am I being unreasonable?
AIBUYou have one vote. All votes are anonymous.
lisavanderpumpscloset · 08/09/2022 17:10
"Sorry friend of friend, our arrangement doesn't work for me anymore. I'll see out the rest of the week but after that you'll need to make other arrangements for your DD."
momtoboys · 08/09/2022 17:10
Tell the mom that the situation is not working out for you and end it. She may not know the husband is being a CF and can straighten him out.
Cigarettesaftersex1 · 08/09/2022 17:11
Just do the same, take your DD and if questioned just say you presumed you weren't doing a lift share as they never take your DD. And send their DD home!
Acheyknees · 08/09/2022 17:11
'Hi CF, unfortunately school pick ups aren't working out as planned. I won't be able to lifts next week'
Ifadoubledeckerbus · 08/09/2022 17:11
"This lift share is clearly not reciprocal. And I am unavailable for after school care going forward from today. Chat soon. London".
Send that, job done.😉
AlisonDonut · 08/09/2022 17:12
Send her home now, and don't pick her up again.
It really is very simple.
FlissyPaps · 08/09/2022 17:13
Oh god how long does she stay at your house? Are the girls friends? How awkward …
If the parents don’t want their DD home alone they should arrange an after school club, childminder or family member to pick her up and watch her. You are neither a club, childminder or family so tell the parents “This arrangement does not work I’m afraid. I will no longer be accommodating your DD at my house after school”.
carefullycourageous · 08/09/2022 17:14
I would say Hi CF, how are you? I need to let you know that after this week I can't do any more lifts or childcare, things have got a bit hectic round here. Please can you let your DD know so they are not waiting or confused next week. Cheers, me
I always deliver bad news in a jolly tone with a little white lie thrown in.
LondonUnited · 08/09/2022 17:15
Thanks - can’t send her home as she doesn’t even have a key and there is no one there! It’s raining as well so wouldn’t send her outside to wait. Really awkward!
FlissyPaps · 08/09/2022 17:16
Phone her parents ASAP. What if you had a family meal or appointment to go to? Her parents would expect you to take her too?
Porcupineintherough · 08/09/2022 17:16
Just text and tell them the arrangement is not working for you so they need to sort out alternative transportation and after school care from now on. Come on now, you're a grown woman and mother- no need to let them trample all over you.
Loachworks · 08/09/2022 17:17
Fuck that. I'd message telling her straight that you're disgusted your daughter has been left to walk alone and they have managed to turn a lift into childcare. They really are cheeky fuckers but at least you're nipping it in the bud early.
PragmaticWench · 08/09/2022 17:17
LondonUnited · 08/09/2022 17:15
Thanks - can’t send her home as she doesn’t even have a key and there is no one there! It’s raining as well so wouldn’t send her outside to wait. Really awkward!
You'll have to message with fake concern "hi, I'm rather worried that X has lost her house key as she has turned up at our house with no way to get into your house". Shame them into resolving this.
britneyisfree · 08/09/2022 17:17
What a piss take!!! Finish out today and refuse to do it again.
TwowaystoUrmston · 08/09/2022 17:18
Cigarettesaftersex1 · 08/09/2022 17:11
Just do the same, take your DD and if questioned just say you presumed you weren't doing a lift share as they never take your DD. And send their DD home!
This, the only way to stop people taking advantage of you is to refuse to let them! You entered into a reciprocal agreement and there is no need for you to keep up your end if the other parent has dropped theirs. I might drop a quick text to the mum, or just tell the DD when she leaves, that as of tomorrow you won't be doing lifts or after school childcare but I wouldn't bother giving reasons, just 'I won't be doing it'.
Johnnysgirl · 08/09/2022 17:20
LondonUnited · 08/09/2022 17:15
Thanks - can’t send her home as she doesn’t even have a key and there is no one there! It’s raining as well so wouldn’t send her outside to wait. Really awkward!
Has she been there every day? Of course you can't send her out to wait in the rain 
, but you can inform the Mum that it's not happening again.
How do you know they don't want her home on her own and expect her to stay at yours; when you don't appear to have had a direct conversation with the girl's Mum about any of it?
Just call her.
Badger1970 · 08/09/2022 17:20
You need to be very blunt and clear with CFer's leaving no room for negotiation or misinterpretation.
"This arrangement is not going to work for me. I will be making my own arrangements from now on, so please make sure that your DD is aware that I am not offering any further lifts or childcare after school from tomorrow"
Then block her number.
Nothingtoseehereok · 08/09/2022 17:21
Sod all the fannying about with white lies and 'missing' keys. Just tell her straight - 'I'm sorry, although I'm still giving your daughter lifts, your husband has left my daughter to walk home a few times so the arrangement needs to end - I can't look after her after school as I have too much on my plate with my own family. The end. Either she'll have a go at her husband for messing up and you'll get your lifts back, or you're well rid of a CF.
mbosnz · 08/09/2022 17:21
I'd just be texting, and saying, 'how this has been going really isn't working out for me, so from tomorrow, you'll need to have to sort out your own child's pick up and after school care, without looking to me to help out. I'll be picking up my child only, going forward'.
Thatiswild · 08/09/2022 17:22
Today you can’t do anything about obviously but you need to message just saying obviously this arrangement isn’t working for you since they haven’t shared lifts and you can’t do after school child care as you aren’t a child minder and have enough on your plate. Absolute CF!! It’s a nightmare. Make sure you tell your child too though so there is no confusion.
Cigarettesaftersex1 · 08/09/2022 17:23
@TwowaystoUrmston
great user name, dinner ladies fan or a resident? I'm Urmstonian 
Sceptre86 · 08/09/2022 17:23
Other posters have worded responses that are acceptable. I'd not respond to any further messages and block them after that. This child is not your responsibility. I'd also have words with your friend who introduced you and tell her what Cfs they have been and to spare you the hassle next time.
For 3 years my dad gave a lift to a girl who lived on the same road as us to high school. She'd come to our house, sit in dad's car and never utter a word to any of us, despite behaving friends and being very talkative at school. If we said hello she would completely blank us. The arrangement only ended when my dad had dropped us off and the girls mum complained to mine that she had only been 10 minutes late and we had left without her. My dad then got a new job which meant he couldn't drop or pick us up and we walked home. Her dad then picked and dropped her but never offered us a lift.
Yanbu, I have 3 kids of my own and having another child around daily would be an imposition.
Whammyyammy · 08/09/2022 17:25
Jeez, f**k that. Tell this woman her child has to get their own way to and from school and sort own childcare out. She's mugging you massively.
The DF not giving your DD a lift would of been the deal breaker for me.
Softplayhooray · 08/09/2022 17:28
We had a carpool last year which turned out to be something we regretted but thankfully the other mother ended it before we did. I had been dreading how to stop it, and was so glad when she did...I could tell how she worded it that she'd been worried to do it, but we were all over the awkwardness in about 5 minutes! Just say you've enjoyed it, but it's not possible for you to do anymore. It's not a big issue!
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