Please help me extricate myself from this situation (CF)

[LondonUnited]

My daughter has just started high school. Due to where we live, only a few people from the area go. It’s about a 1.5 - 2 mile walk.

A friend introduced me to her friend, who lives locally and whose daughter is also starting at the same high school. We met up before school returned and agreed to lift share some days. So far so good.

However, this has turned into me taking and collecting the girls on some days, and my daughter walking on her own on the other days, because the dad has taken the other daughter without offering my DD a lift! Their daughter is now here because they don’t want her at their house alone after school. This really doesn’t work for me as I have four children of my own, two jobs and my own things to do. I feel really taken advantage of and fear it will only get worse.

How to get out of this? Help!

Yup, text and say it's not working out how you discussed. You can't have her DD after school and the lifts need to work both ways equally, otherwise you're very sorry but this arrangement doesn't work for you.

So we agreed some days they would take, some days I would, and some days they could walk together. There were no fixed days for this but it was supposed to be reciprocal.

They did mention that they didn’t like the idea of their daughter being alone to which I said something non committal about it taking them almost an hour to get back as they will probably pop to the shop or park, if walking, or she would be welcome to come to ours for half an hour or so. Which turned into 2.5 hours after the child admitted she didn’t have a key!

The after school thing I will nip in the bud as I have a club starting for one of my children next week, but the lifts is more awkward as it would help me to have a lift share for various reasons

So these hazy plans clearly haven’t turned j to an equitable arrangement-what are you going to do?

It is obvious that the solution to your problem is to speak to the other parents and reset expectations. You know this. You don’t need our permission for it. But you’re posting here because you are scared to do it and want a bit of support (which you have!) to help you get the courage you need. And maybe some ideas for how to phrase it. And there are some nice straightforward none blamed suggestions up thread.

But for the future, if you find this sort of thing awkward, remember it is much easier to ask the first time things seem to have gone amiss. What did you do the first time they took their DD in without taking yours? What did you do the first day their DD turned up at yours after school without a way to get home? If you tackle it right at the beginning it is much easier and less awkward as you can treat as a mistake. Just say something along the lines of “Oh, I was surprised…”, or “Oh, I thought ….” Then you can discuss expectations as though it was an innocent mix up without it becoming a big thing or an accusation. And before you’ve put up with doing something you don’t want to for a while and it’s become something the kids rely on, making you feel like you’re upsetting them not just the parents.

Let us know how it goes, OP. I know confrontation is difficult but I think being honest is the best, and giving them benefit of the doubt. I think the Dad is being CF here. Have they given your dd a lift yet? It's teething issues, I think so I would be upfront about the issue and not withdraw as this will help you if it's working as you have 4 kids. If you can channel the "I am not a walkover, but I am sensible" then I think this could work out well for you. The dd could be a friend for your dd and help with lifts is help. You do need to be able to put your foot down though now you are aware the Dad can be a CF.

Sorting out a rota and then being able to say 'no' if they take advantage is your best way forward here so I think setting down an 'I'm nice but I won't be taken advantage' of tone of voice is the way to go instead of fannying around with lies (looks guilty imo) or flouncing off (immature and to your disadvantage).

Speak up for yourself! Tell them this is not on and won't be continuing.

You have let them take the piss completely.

I don't think there's any point trying to sort out a rota with them because they will just keep taking the piss out of you and you're not going to be assertive enough with them about it. You'll end up resigning yourself to taking the other kid to and from school and providing free after school club forever.

You NEED to say something to the other parents. It doesn't have to be awkward, if you choose not to feel awkward about it! They've been outrageously cheeky to you, and they've left your daughter to walk on her own, how dare they? Don't let people treat you and your daughter like that, and then cringe about making a couple of little comments in response! And if you are going to message them saying that the lift share isn't working for you any more, do not say sorry!

I would just take my daughter to and from school tomorrow and every day after that without communicating with the other parents about it at all. And if they dared to get in touch asking about lifts I would say presumed we weren't doing that as my kindness was not reciprocated and my daughter was left stranded by you?

If you actually want to share lifts, then you need to speak to them to clarify who takes the girls when.

At the moment, they are getting 100% of the benefit of your arrangement and you zero.

The longer you allow this to run, the harder it's going to be to get out of it, so you need to approach them tonight to either sort some kind of reciprocity or tell them to forget it.

What's with all the advice to give up on the lift sharing?

Ask friend of friend if she knows her H hasn't been giving lifts as agreed.
If she sorts it out , great - get organised about the days for lifts.
If not, the arrangement has ended.

The lift share thing isnt helping you at all tho if they are not reciprocal

Who did you discuss the arrangements with initially? If only the mother, then the father is possibly either unaware or unwilling to get involved in a lift share. I’d phone her to clarify & explain your inability to have the girl after school for long periods of time.

Reminds me of several incidents where I had to rush out to pick up kids because a friend’s husband left mine behind.

So you didn’t agree to a schedule and you agreed to have her at your house and are surprised the lift share isn’t working out and she’s there after school?

Clearly you are all bad at communicating. Get a schedule for lifts and let them know she can’t come over after school.

Be very clear with the parents that lifts need to be shared.

It doesn’t sound like they will share, I think you will need to stop giving lifts.

Okay so just message them asking specifically which days they'll be taking the children, and explain that your daughter seemed to be confused because she walked even though her friend had a lift in. Then stick to it. If anyone doesn't stick to it, cancel it.

Your daughter is in High School. it is one and a half miles to the school. Why does she not walk to school every day? If she does not want to walk then she could cycle. There is no need for a parent or a car to be involved.

They are definitely cfs!

I think I would want to say something rather than make an excuse, maybe "Can we touch base about the shared lifts? I wondered if it is time to knock things on the head as I am still taking friend but aware you guys aren't taking dd even when you take friend in. Shall we just sort out own kids from now on?"

Hi cf,
Not sure if you forgot to tell your OH about the lift share or just not wanting to do it anymore? my daughter walked on her own yesterday whilst your OH drove your daughter so clearly something gone awry. Please let me know ASAP how you want to do this going forward as it's definitely a reciprocal arrangement not a taxi / childcare service we agreed - already have 4 of my own don't need extras .

Send.

And this.

Secondary school age and doesn't have a key? Or allowed to stay home themselves for an hour or 2?

That's strange.

I’m confused. Have you actually agreed the days that you will do the lifts and they will? Was today a day that the girls were going to walk and the dad said he would take his daughter? Is the issue that they didn’t walk together this morning and your dd wasn’t offered a lift - ie outside the agreement? If so YABU as it’s up to them surely?

but if it was agreed that they would do lifts on x and y day and today was one of them then YANBU.

you need to ask to clarify their expectations, if they don’t match yours then nip it in the bud. Just have a conversation, shouldn’t be awkward or confrontational. CFs rely on awkwardness to get away with it.

This. I’d probably add:-

“Also - as the days are getting darker please can you ensure that your dd has somewhere safe, warm and dry that she can go after school. I felt very sorry for her tonight being locked out in the rain but we definitely didn’t agree that I would do several hours of unpaid childcare in the evenings.”

I’m confused. Have you actually agreed the days that you will do the lifts and they will? Was today a day that the girls were going to walk and the dad said he would take his daughter? Is the issue that they didn’t walk together this morning and your dd wasn’t offered a lift - ie outside the agreement? If so YABU as it’s up to them surely?
I suppose... But it's still quite odd to be so very transactional about it, though.
I give you a lift on Tuesday and Wednesday afternoons because your Mum does the morning run on these days. She didn't do this morning; so piss off and walk?
Would anyone even half decent do that?

I would have a word with the Mum and say you’re keen for the lift share but it needs to be reciprocal and I’d fix the days so it’s a firm arrangement. You would have to be a real CF to think a lift share doesn’t need to be reciprocated. Agree you need to nip the after school thing in the bud.