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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Please help me extricate myself from this situation (CF)

123 replies

LondonUnited · 08/09/2022 17:07

My daughter has just started high school. Due to where we live, only a few people from the area go. It’s about a 1.5 - 2 mile walk.

A friend introduced me to her friend, who lives locally and whose daughter is also starting at the same high school. We met up before school returned and agreed to lift share some days. So far so good.

However, this has turned into me taking and collecting the girls on some days, and my daughter walking on her own on the other days, because the dad has taken the other daughter without offering my DD a lift! Their daughter is now here because they don’t want her at their house alone after school. This really doesn’t work for me as I have four children of my own, two jobs and my own things to do. I feel really taken advantage of and fear it will only get worse.

How to get out of this? Help!

OP posts:

Peashoots · 08/09/2022 20:28

yanbu! What a cheeky cow.

frazzledasarock · 08/09/2022 20:31

Just message.

Hi shared lift arrangement is not working for us, will do own thing as of next week.
Also can’t babysit your dd after school.

focuspocus · 08/09/2022 20:54

If it's beneficial to keep doing lifts for each other then maybe just text and say you set up the arrangement so that neither DD would be walking alone but your DD has been left walking alone with no prior notice. Ask if you can firm up days that each side will commit to so that you are aware of when you need to make alternative arrangements as you are juggling things for a few kids.

I know people on here will say that they should be able to walk to school and back (as I did) but I am anxious about my DD walking alone especially as there have been incidents involving young girls at her school and others in the area.

Hopefullysoon2022 · 08/09/2022 21:00

Why didnt you nab the dad when he picked his dd up.

We have all had cf try their luck but you have to think of your own kids first and foremost.

You know now its not going to work,just finish the arrangement before theres a big fall out.And there will be.

howshouldibehave · 08/09/2022 21:40

If you still want to lift share with them, text something along the lines of, ‘I was just wondering if you still wanted to carshare the girls, I took/collected both girls on x, x and x, but DD has been walking alone the other times? Does your husband not want to do something jointly?’

and see what reply you get…

Original poster

LondonUnited · 09/09/2022 07:45

Update: I didn’t see either of the parents last night as their daughter just walked the short distance home when dad messaged to say he had got back.

No offer of a lift this morning! Despite the 2.5 hour after school club at my house last night. My daughter is going to meet some other children to walk.

Suspect it might be as someone said above - that the dad doesn’t want to be involved in any lift share. Which is of course his right but super cheeky to want me to do the rest of it without any reciprocation!

OP posts:

Mardyface · 09/09/2022 07:57

So you need to tell them you won't be taking her or keeping her next week. Wankers.

howshouldibehave · 09/09/2022 08:04

LondonUnited · 09/09/2022 07:45

Update: I didn’t see either of the parents last night as their daughter just walked the short distance home when dad messaged to say he had got back.

No offer of a lift this morning! Despite the 2.5 hour after school club at my house last night. My daughter is going to meet some other children to walk.

And you are going to do what now?

Mxyzptlk · 09/09/2022 08:05

So contact the mum for clarification.

Mxyzptlk · 09/09/2022 08:07

Or just take huff without even trying to sort it out.
Your choice.

FetchezLaVache · 09/09/2022 08:20

With respect, OP, I think you need to grow a backbone here. They are taking you for a right mug and they're not even friends! Just point out the lack of balance in the arrangement and tell them it's clearly not working for you, so you're afraid you're going to have to drop out.

How anyone can put upon a working mother of four in this way is quite beyond me!

GoneWithTheWine1 · 09/09/2022 08:21

Simple take your daughter/pick her up and don't offer the CFS child a lift.

TrashyPanda · 09/09/2022 08:28

Have you told them you won’t do after school care?
if not, do so right now

Blowthemandown · 09/09/2022 08:28

@LondonUnited the Mum probably has no idea the Dad left with one of them. Just get it in the open “ok one week in this isn’t working as things stand. Girls get on great which is wonderful but I have clubs starting next week so need a bit of structure - did you know my daughter has ended up going alone a couple of times/your DH has taken yours but not ours; has he realised he’s meant to? Also with clubs and such, I can’t look after another for 2.5 hours - how can we make this work?”

deeperthanallroses · 09/09/2022 09:02

I like blowthemandowns message IF you want to try one last time. But, cut out the staying at yours. ‘X staying at mine didn’t work and we have afternoon clubs starting so lets just keep it to lifts there and back.’

Brefugee · 09/09/2022 10:52

In typical MN style always go for the nuclear option right from the bat. Don't first clarify that her husband knows the arrangement, or whether she knows he isn't sticking to it. Just burn bridges.

but that would have forced them to answer, and then they could have either agreed on future arrangements or sacked it off.

Given no lift today and no communication from the dad I'd just send a message saying "that's it - no more arrangement since there is zero benefit to me"

VivX · 09/09/2022 11:38

@LondonUnited It's still not clear why you didn't just speak or text the mum to clarify the arrangements and clear up any misunderstanding - and then withdraw sensibly from the arrangement if you still couldn't see it working out.

Hopefullysoon2022 · 09/09/2022 12:19

I really hope you don't pick her up today and bring her back with you

DoYouWantDecking · 09/09/2022 14:06

I think you should just text the mother with something like
"Hi CF We discussed lift sharing for our DD and we started this week as agreed. However I noticed your DH didn't take my DD on his day. Did he forget? I thought this was a reciprocal arrangement to benefit both of us so taking my DD would be part of that.
Also, thought I'd mention now before it gets too awkward but we have a full house with lots of after school activities to manage so, while your DD is welcome on some occasions it would be good for this to be agreed in advance to make sure it fits with our existing plans"

DoYouWantDecking · 09/09/2022 14:08

And I would ignore all the "go nuclear" advice. You want this to work so start a discussion not a war.

Batceanera · 09/09/2022 14:45

It sounds like the after school care was your idea?

Just think of it as having a conversation to iron out the details now you've had a try. Can you meet up and have a chat? If not then a phone call might be an okay alternative.

The dad not wanting to be part of the arrangement should not be your problem.

Ask for more formal agreement or schedule about lifts. If one of her parents is giving a lift, they should include your dd.

Clarify what you want to happen after school. If it isn't working then make it clear you aren't doing it any more.

"Could we have a catch up about lifts? It would be good to agree a schedule if you are still up for it? Also, after school doesn't work for me."

Caroffee · 09/09/2022 15:24

They are massive CFs using you as an unpaid babysitter.

CruCru · 09/09/2022 16:07

These aren’t friends of yours. Say the arrangement isn’t working for you and you aren’t able to have the daughter after school as you have other commitments. Do it now or you’ll have another week of this.

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