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AIBU?

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Original poster

Please help me extricate myself from this situation (CF)

123 replies

LondonUnited · 08/09/2022 17:07

My daughter has just started high school. Due to where we live, only a few people from the area go. It’s about a 1.5 - 2 mile walk.

A friend introduced me to her friend, who lives locally and whose daughter is also starting at the same high school. We met up before school returned and agreed to lift share some days. So far so good.

However, this has turned into me taking and collecting the girls on some days, and my daughter walking on her own on the other days, because the dad has taken the other daughter without offering my DD a lift! Their daughter is now here because they don’t want her at their house alone after school. This really doesn’t work for me as I have four children of my own, two jobs and my own things to do. I feel really taken advantage of and fear it will only get worse.

How to get out of this? Help!

OP posts:
aloris · 08/09/2022 18:00

It's awkward because awkwardness allows them to get away with taking advantage of other people. CFs know that their targets will put up with bad behavior if the CF makes it awkward for the target to exit the situation. Their daughter may be lovely but they entered into an agreement of reciprocal lifts, then left your daughter standing there, and now they want you to inconvenience yourself so their child won't be left alone? At the very least you should end the arrangement so your own daughter can see that her own welfare isn't secondary to that of the other girl.

Johnnysgirl · 08/09/2022 18:06

aloris · 08/09/2022 18:00

It's awkward because awkwardness allows them to get away with taking advantage of other people. CFs know that their targets will put up with bad behavior if the CF makes it awkward for the target to exit the situation. Their daughter may be lovely but they entered into an agreement of reciprocal lifts, then left your daughter standing there, and now they want you to inconvenience yourself so their child won't be left alone? At the very least you should end the arrangement so your own daughter can see that her own welfare isn't secondary to that of the other girl.

But they haven't made it "awkward for the target to exit the situation" here?
They certainly seem to have picked their target well, though.
I'd have no issue managing this situation at all, I wonder what op's exact problem is? She seems more concerned with the cf's child's feelings than those of her own child.

Mardyface · 08/09/2022 18:07

Is it more awkward to say it or to have the piss taken out of you? You don't have to be unpleasant. Do fake puzzled if easier. I agree not to send the girl home today but when she's gone or when she's picked up, you need to make the effort and ride the awkwardness. Or put up with being a mug.

blockpavingismynightmare · 08/09/2022 18:09

When the dad picks his own daughter up where is your daughter? Why doesn't his daughter say something? I just do not understand the level of stupidity here

NotMyDust · 08/09/2022 18:11

pps are using their responses as a way of making themselves feel empowered/strong or whatever and a chance to yell cf gleefully.

I mean you could shut it down, or you could say directly but politely why the arrangement is going wrong.

  • leaving your dd to walk alone
  • leaving theirs at yours
  • you doing most of the running doesn't seem fair
...and suggest possible solutions e.g a rota.

I think that's more mature personally.

Libertyqueen · 08/09/2022 18:11

Testina · 08/09/2022 17:32

All this passive nonsense about missing keys 🤨

”Hi X - we said it would help to share lifts, but so far none from you - do you want to share or not? Whatever happens with lifts, I’m not going to look after Y after school. I didn’t drop her home today as it was raining and she had no key - but she’ll need to have a key next time I drop her home.”

This is the most straightforward

ThirtyThreeTrees · 08/09/2022 18:14

Just send the message!!!! Once it's done it's done.

CFs are absolute professionals in picking out people they know are too polite to stand up to them or cause them any grief. They propose something as mutually beneficial and just take advantage.

The longer you leave it, the worst it becomes.

NotJustAnybody · 08/09/2022 18:14

Put your big girl pants on and tell them straight - it's not ok for her Dad to leave your daughter to go home alone and it's not OK for you to childmind theirs. Or simply, sorry it's not working for us, please make your own arrangements for next week. Can't believe the cheek of them!

Readaboutyourself · 08/09/2022 18:15

Confrontation is more difficult for some. I’m the same.

Tbh, I would just lie and say you’re unable to do the various lifts as the car is full of your other children.

forrestgreen · 08/09/2022 18:17

Send text so you don't falter

'Dcf when we arranged our car share it was meant to benefit us both equally. This has not been the case, so I'm stopping the arrangement. Please also ensure your daughter has a key to get in as I'm not an after school club. Regards'

howshouldibehave · 08/09/2022 18:19

We met up before school returned and agreed to lift share some days.

What was actually said though? What was the plan.

Original poster
LondonUnited · 08/09/2022 18:22

Sorry the leaving my DD behind was in the morning. My DD said she was leaving to walk, I asked whether she was walking with the other girl and she said no, the other girl’s dad was taking her so she was going to walk on her own. The previous day I had taken them both!

The girl has now gone as her dad was back from work.

Will update on what happens tomorrow morning…

OP posts:
SeasonFinale · 08/09/2022 18:24

Well nothing should happen tomorrow morning because you should let them know tonight the share arrangements are not working and you are not available as unpaid childcare after work.

LadyEloise1 · 08/09/2022 18:25

Nothingtoseehereok · 08/09/2022 17:21

Sod all the fannying about with white lies and 'missing' keys. Just tell her straight - 'I'm sorry, although I'm still giving your daughter lifts, your husband has left my daughter to walk home a few times so the arrangement needs to end - I can't look after her after school as I have too much on my plate with my own family. The end. Either she'll have a go at her husband for messing up and you'll get your lifts back, or you're well rid of a CF.

Great post.

Hopeandlove · 08/09/2022 18:25

NotMyDust · 08/09/2022 18:11

pps are using their responses as a way of making themselves feel empowered/strong or whatever and a chance to yell cf gleefully.

I mean you could shut it down, or you could say directly but politely why the arrangement is going wrong.

  • leaving your dd to walk alone
  • leaving theirs at yours
  • you doing most of the running doesn't seem fair
...and suggest possible solutions e.g a rota.

I think that's more mature personally.

This

dear parenting
I think we need to sort out a rota for lifts. I have given your daughter lifts but these haven’t been reciprocated and my daughter has been left to walk on her own. I thought we were doing just lifts but somehow your daughter has had to stay her after the lift and be supervised which isn’t what we discussed. Can we please do a rota and agree what works for both of us such as a rota. I don’t mind sharing but it needs to be equitable. Thanks me

forrestgreen · 08/09/2022 18:25

It genuinely will carry on until you do something. They will not change because it's beneficial to them, if anything the scales will tilt even more in their favour.

Weepingwillows12 · 08/09/2022 18:27

What did you actually agree? You do lifts Monday, Tuesday, me Thursday Friday stuff or was it more vague? Did you say you would have this girl over after school or was that a surprise to you?

howshouldibehave · 08/09/2022 18:27

Will update on what happens tomorrow morning…

Why? Please don’t post a message tomorrow saying your daughter walked to school alone because the dad took his own daughter.

Just man up and ring or text this woman now and say the arrangement is over.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 08/09/2022 18:28

Ffs-sort yourself out. Why didn’t you say anything when she was picked up?

IncessantNameChanger · 08/09/2022 18:28

I did a car share that was equally split. I did afterschool, she did the mornings. Even then it didn't work out. Unless the mum or girl is a close friend and you see it as a favour OR it's reciprocal, just stop.

I thought we was sharing lifts but dd has been left at school x times now. I don't want to comit to something that isn't working me so as from Monday I will be making my own arrangements.

thunderhoney · 08/09/2022 18:28

LondonUnited · 08/09/2022 17:38

Thanks all. I know I need to be a bit braver about this but it is very awkward in real life particularly when there is a child involved (who is lovely so no issues there!)

Eh what about your OWN child who has to walk? How can you let her down this way, you need to be a better role model.

NiceCupOfTea2 · 08/09/2022 18:29

I'd just shut it down, even if they were giving your child a lift, it really isn't worth it when you are stuck running an afterschool club until 6 or later? You may as well do the short drive yourself and save yourself the hassle of having an extra child in the evening (even if she is polite and lovely).

Riverlee · 08/09/2022 18:29

lisavanderpumpscloset · 08/09/2022 17:10

"Sorry friend of friend, our arrangement doesn't work for me anymore. I'll see out the rest of the week but after that you'll need to make other arrangements for your DD."

This

Whalesong · 08/09/2022 18:29

Apart from the lift situation, you really need to nip the childminding in the bud. It's not fair on your DD, who should get to choose her own friends .If the girls get on well and themselves decide that they'd sometimes like to go to your or the other girl's house together that's one thing, but my DS would hate to be regularly thrown together with someone even if he likes them. There's a real risk that your DD will start to resent the other girl, and that their friendship could be damaged.

I'd take the bull by the horns and say "if the lift share is going to work it needs to be shared, so your DH needs to give DD a lift on some days. And I'm happy for your DD to come over occasionally after school if the girls arrange it, but every day (or several times a week) doesn't work, sorry".

IncompleteSenten · 08/09/2022 18:30

What happens tomorrow morning?

You're not ending the arrangement then?