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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult dd told be to fuck myself, a.i.b.u to block her today?

113 replies

Summerloving22 · 08/09/2022 12:53

An hour ago my 23 yr old dd called me as she was having a bad day, could i do a small favour, and i said sure as ever. She described her chaos and i expressed sympathy and needed to advise her of doing one thing with her bank before her wages were swallowed up (and she would then ask be to rescue her with money).She believes she is A.D.H.D but in four years never deblt with. We get on fine 50% of the time but she takes everything out on me.

My sentences got interrupted with her second guessing ,wrongly and accusing me of not helping. I assured her I was not saying anything at all and tried to keep convo simple and listen, but she continued to take things out on me through hissing, resentful suddenly. I know that she is wanting to push back from which is fine if she wants but after one bit too far on her side i did assert that i was hardly talking and could she not talk to me in that way. It's not the first time and on the whole she is over prickly, rude, and i am ashamed to say a bit shallow, will not return messages to her family unless she has no one else around in her life.

So a.i.b.u to think at 23, telling your mother to go fuck herself deserves a block?

OP posts:
SNWannabe · 08/09/2022 12:55

Ignore her or message to say you’re not going to respond until she apologises. But I wouldn’t block. That’s petty.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 08/09/2022 12:56

YANBU to insist on an apology and to ignore any rude messages.

YWBU to block her as that's not a mature way to deal with conflict (at this stage).

AryaStarkWolf · 08/09/2022 13:02

SNWannabe · 08/09/2022 12:55

Ignore her or message to say you’re not going to respond until she apologises. But I wouldn’t block. That’s petty.

This

maddy68 · 08/09/2022 14:34

Block her ....grow up !

Don't rise to it. Don't send any messages , don't escalate

Wait

Apologies are needed here but also probably from you too

allatwonce · 08/09/2022 14:41

She needs you. Don't block her.

LittleOwl153 · 08/09/2022 14:44

I'd mute her for a bit if she's causing you alot of stress. That way you can pick up when you want to and sort from there. Blocking I suspect will add to the agro.

SummerInSun · 08/09/2022 14:47

Blocking is something you do to numbers that ring you offering to get you free money for the accident you were in that wasn't your fault or your PPI refund.

It's not for family or friends no matter how heated the situation or who is in the wrong. She absolutely shouldn't have behaved that way, and you are entitled to tell her that's not an appropriate way to communicate. But to unilaterally make it actually impossible to contact you (even to apologise, or if there was a real emergency) is beyond childish.

VatofTea · 08/09/2022 14:53

It is very hard to be there for someone who either shuts down or blows up. You can try to keep someone company in their struggle and not condemn them. Don't block your daughter.

People’s trauma responses are often out of their control, there can be a need for healing, relationships can be a continuous negotiation about how you can be there for each other, feel safe and be productive.

Communicate if you need to negotiate your needs; this requires consciousness and awareness to identify the issues that need to be worked out. To what degree can you fulfil your daughters expectations? What are they? Maybe you are depleted and cannot commit to what your daughter is asking for and she needs to get some help from elsewhere.

It’s important to create environments where you can communicate in a healthy way.

bellinisurge · 08/09/2022 14:54

Don't block. You may be that only person she can cling to

Snoken · 08/09/2022 15:00

Yea, you don’t block your kids from contacting you. It’s not the grown-up way to handle family drama.

flyingant · 08/09/2022 15:00

Why would you block her? Surely that's only something one does when they are ending a relationship with someone and never want to be in contact again!

lovelyboneslove · 08/09/2022 15:03

Summerloving22 · 08/09/2022 12:53

An hour ago my 23 yr old dd called me as she was having a bad day, could i do a small favour, and i said sure as ever. She described her chaos and i expressed sympathy and needed to advise her of doing one thing with her bank before her wages were swallowed up (and she would then ask be to rescue her with money).She believes she is A.D.H.D but in four years never deblt with. We get on fine 50% of the time but she takes everything out on me.

My sentences got interrupted with her second guessing ,wrongly and accusing me of not helping. I assured her I was not saying anything at all and tried to keep convo simple and listen, but she continued to take things out on me through hissing, resentful suddenly. I know that she is wanting to push back from which is fine if she wants but after one bit too far on her side i did assert that i was hardly talking and could she not talk to me in that way. It's not the first time and on the whole she is over prickly, rude, and i am ashamed to say a bit shallow, will not return messages to her family unless she has no one else around in her life.

So a.i.b.u to think at 23, telling your mother to go fuck herself deserves a block?

You say believes she has ADHD. Have you helped and supported her with this?
You've mentioned she constantly interrupts and is not good at managing money. These are 2 classic features of someone with ADHD.

She is wrong being so rude to you. But she sounds like she needs help and support rather than being ghosted.
Having ADHD is very frustrating and exhausting. Maybe helping her get a diagnosis for this will help things.

GoneWithTheWine1 · 08/09/2022 15:04

You block her, you're just as childish and as bad as her.
You're her mother. Tell her not to speak to you like that and put her in her place. If she thinks she has adhd then she needs to get assessed - if she doesn't tell her you don't want to hear it till she actually gets off her arse and does something about it.

Even then adhd is no reason to speak to someone like shit.

J0y · 08/09/2022 15:08

Don't block, because at some point you'll unblock her and it will be like the issue is resolved.

I would be very low in communication for a while.

Don't spoon feed her with the things she needs to sort out

Pinkdelight3 · 08/09/2022 15:12

Blocking her is babyish and only escalating the bad behaviour. Why not wait and talk to her IRL, when you've both calmed down a bit?

jays · 08/09/2022 15:17

I wouldn’t block my child no matter what age they were just in case of emergency. I wouldn’t do the blocking thing anyway tbh. I would however say that you won’t be engaging again until she has a long hard look at herself and how she’s treated you and apologises. But I think the blocking thing is daft.

badgerybadgerboo · 08/09/2022 15:17

Why do so many mothers think blocking is OK?

Fgs, she's your daughter and you sound like a child. Rise above her and continue to parent.

Tell you love her and you'll be there when she's calmed down.

It isn't really that difficult, is it

If she does have ADHD then she could very well be having a meltdown. Google it, its horrible , confusing, scary and humiliating. I have autism and ADHD and it's your role as a mum to actually try and understand her.

Ffs you sound so callous

Marvellousmadness · 08/09/2022 15:20

Block her?she is not your friend
She is your daughter
And person isnt adhd. A person has adhd.

The facr that you suggest blocking her and the way you type your op makes .e think you might both have some issues (aka adhd ) going on....

holidaynightmare · 08/09/2022 15:22

allatwonce · 08/09/2022 14:41

She needs you. Don't block her.

I disagree
She's 23 years old and needs to learn manners and to respect her mother is block for at least 24 hours to make her realise the consequences of her actions

Nugg · 08/09/2022 15:24

Just go quiet and wait I agree. Mine is 30 and still the same. It's exhausting. Sometimes she realises and apologises later but few and far between

luxxlisbon · 08/09/2022 15:25

Well I guess we know why she is immature.

Ki44 · 08/09/2022 15:25

Don't block her.

Ignore her, sure! When she calls/texts - absolutely. Give her the cold shoulder until you feel ready to engage. Wait for her to send an apology. Reply when you're ready.

But don't block her, it's unnecessary. Silence is golden. Blocking is immature.

Travis1 · 08/09/2022 15:26

Block her? Apple doesn't fall far from the immature tree does it?

SweetLittlePixie · 08/09/2022 15:30

holidaynightmare · 08/09/2022 15:22

I disagree
She's 23 years old and needs to learn manners and to respect her mother is block for at least 24 hours to make her realise the consequences of her actions

Show quote history

All shes gonna realise is that the person she needs the most isnt there for her.
Never block a child.
Tell her you wont respond until she treats you right, but dont block her.

10HailMarys · 08/09/2022 15:40

I wouldn't block her but I would certainly tell her that you have no intention of speaking to her while she's in this state and that you won't tolerate her telling you to go fuck yourself.

I'm a bit surprised that a 23-year-old woman is carrying on like this at all, really. This is the sort of thing I'd expect from a particularly hormonal teenager, not an adult. I would have died rather than phone my parents at the age of 23 and start flapping about the fact that I wasn't capable of managing my own life.