Adult dd told be to fuck myself, a.i.b.u to block her today?

[Summerloving22]

An hour ago my 23 yr old dd called me as she was having a bad day, could i do a small favour, and i said sure as ever. She described her chaos and i expressed sympathy and needed to advise her of doing one thing with her bank before her wages were swallowed up (and she would then ask be to rescue her with money).She believes she is A.D.H.D but in four years never deblt with. We get on fine 50% of the time but she takes everything out on me.

My sentences got interrupted with her second guessing ,wrongly and accusing me of not helping. I assured her I was not saying anything at all and tried to keep convo simple and listen, but she continued to take things out on me through hissing, resentful suddenly. I know that she is wanting to push back from which is fine if she wants but after one bit too far on her side i did assert that i was hardly talking and could she not talk to me in that way. It's not the first time and on the whole she is over prickly, rude, and i am ashamed to say a bit shallow, will not return messages to her family unless she has no one else around in her life.

So a.i.b.u to think at 23, telling your mother to go fuck herself deserves a block?

Google inattentive ADHD and see if that applies to her. The executive function deficit part of ADHD is difficult - I can imagine she is uncertain about the process to get help. I spoke to my GP who gave me a form which in typical inattentive ADHD style I lost!
Sit down with her and together write out the process she needs to go through to get assessed.
ADHD is heriditary - its not impossible you or her dad has it too which can make family relationships challenging as people with ADHD can have trouble processing emotions and arguments escalate.

I didn't say ADHD was an excuse. It was actually the OP who mentioned ADHD first and I said some of her behaviour/challenges were consistent with this.

Yes swearing at your mother is disgusting behaviour -there is no excuse. However there are reasons for the way she may have acted. You do not have to like or accept peoples behaviours but understanding why they act certain ways is helpful.

Are you really going to block your own daughter? Yes YABU.

I understand you’re also human and not a dustbin for her outbursts because you’ve to protect your mental health too.
Could you send her a message to let her know she’s crossed a line and need to apologise?

Can you mute her messages and not engage with her until you’re ready? I’m so sorry. It sounds very difficult

Well, you’re very loyal, I’ll give you that.

But the way you minimise what it is like to be on the receiving end of rage is appalling.
“swear words are just emotion words. They are used to convey strong emotions” is so disingenuous. You are using is as an excuse to be deliberately blind yourself to what it is like to be on the receiving end.

If you spoke of any other person:
“his emotions [have] take[n] over.”
”the legal consequences don’t bother him”
”There is no deliberate intention”
”he has no thought whatsoever”
… the shorthand version of that is he behaves at times like an animal and is unpredictable. The individual you describe has phases where he isn’t actually safe to be around, and you cannot recognize it. He certainly isn’t someone I’d like to see in charge of a vehicle.

“After 10 minutes, he goes back to normal - then he can recognise people might have been shocked.”
Might have been shocked should read “will have been terrified, absolutely traumatised, and be left in fear of ever encountering him again”. You are doing no-one any favours by minimising the damage he causes.
You haven’t said either way, but from what you’ve written it seems to me that you don’t even think people are owed an apology of any sort?

Ah. I sometimes rang my mum for support or a vent and it would end in a fight. Usually because by your Dds age I was trying to be independent so if I wanted advice I'd specifically ask for it. I look back and cringe at myself though! Sounds like you're putting up with a lot and you shouldn't have to absorb it. I wouldn't block her just in case but I would be out of contact for a day or so and then ask if she's feeling calmer and would like support or solutions or if she just needs you to listen.

That said, I did once block my mum. She said something incredibly nasty mid row and I asked her to apologise because she'd really upset me and utterly offended me- line crossed. She wouldn't and just laughes and sneered and made verbal swipes, so I said the next words out of her mouth had to be an apology if she wanted a relationship with me. I then messaged my dad saying I was perfectly happy to apologise for any upset I'd caused that woman but that would be it unless I got a genuine apology back for being vile and offensive. It took two days, it almost ruined Christmas and it would appear by the many pleady texts I got off my dad that she was v upset and cried a lot but eventually she saw sense. My dad asked me to unblock, I did and I got my first ever real apology off her. We have not had to have any repeats. I always apologise quickly if I think it's merited because I hate people hurting.

No don't block her, bit hold up a mirror to her. Say her comment was very disrespectful and she owes you an apology. I think it's fine to say I need a break from helping you for now, as l need time to recover.

This. Stop helping her until she learns to stop verbally abusing you. There is no excuse, regardless of what her issue is. She wouldn't dare speak to her employer or friends like that so she is fully aware that you are her punching bag. Don't tolerate it.

Blocking close family members seems really immature to me, but on MN it seems to the norm. You live and learn.

ADHD can make people reactive and overwhelmed. Blocking her would be unhelpful but absolutely give her some space and when she's calm again draw a line in the sand.

Also look at how you were interacting with her beforehand. I once told my mum to fuck off. In her version of events she was a wide eyed blameless heroine helping me out.

She was actually being a total asshole and had just told me I was horrible while I was a sleep-deprived mess breastfeeding my new baby 5 days after a C-Section and she was harping on about some absolute bollocks. She has low self awareness and her own emotional regulation is poor.

If your daughter told you to F off there was a reason. Might not be a good reason, she may be bang out of order but you might have been too. None of us were there.

PPs are unbelievable. Mumsnet is bizarre about mothers needing to prostate themselves and accept abuse from their children.

Your 16 son shoves you into a wall- what on Earth did you do to set him off? You monster.

Your adult daughter verbally abuses you. That must be your fault too. You need to suck it up and those boundaries you think you need- don’t you dare put them in place. Your role is to be a martyr for your children for eternity.

OP, as someone who was verbally abused by a sibling for all of my childhood, I allow no-one to speak to me like that. You are entitled to put boundaries in place. You matter. Ignore the mummy martyrs.

Pretty much. Anything is acceptable if it's a woman on here.

@FreudayNight

He’s fine with me and people, who know him; but then when he is getting stressed, we make practical suggestions on how to deal with it the problem.

We don’t make stupid comments, like when the car broke down at a busy set of traffic lights, a bus driver was swearing at him, as if he had parked there on purpose! Who would park on traffic lights on a Saturday morning? How does anybody think swearing at the driver of a broken down car, is going to help the situation?

As for my comments on swearing, they came from a specialist speech therapist, so I think I will pay more attention to their professional view on the use of language, than you - unless you are say a leading academic in the field in the UK?

God if I ever told my mum to go fuck herself she'd do worse than block me, and I'm in my 30s! WTF. I wouldn't actually block her, I'd leave open all available channels for her to grovel appropriately - and I wouldn't engage until she has.

@TheSummerPalace is your dh SALT telling him that he gets to decide how other people get to feel when he is verbally aggressive to them?
As for OP, swear words are just emotion words. They are used to convey strong emotions, and DD could have just said “GO AWAY!” in the same tone of voice, and how she felt would have been the same. telling someone to fuck off is very different from go away, and the audacity to say you know how someone would have felt in this situation!

I'd block her. I'm 27 and never in my life have I told my mother to go fuck herself, it makes me cringe when people are disrespectful to their parents 😳

But then again my younger sister is 20 and the way she speaks to our mam sometimes is shocking, not sure if it's the fact a lot of the younger generation have no respect or what 🤦‍♀️

Locking is not for people you care about. It's for cold callers and weirdos.

I would never block my daughter no. Not reply yes. Tell her that is unacceptable yes End the conversation yes

Well that’s your instinctive loyalty (Stockholm Syndrome?) coming out again.

We get it: you absolutely cannot make the leap to what other people might feel.
You’re are so focussed on his Big Emotions that “being terrified” means nothing to you. And other people similarly having a bad day mean nothing to you.

Why are you using the speech therapist as a way to shield him from realizing how awful it is to encounter an angry man in full flow? Did Your children also get the brunt of his Big Emotions (which btw is used to describe toddler tantrums) and we’re they expected to mollycoddle him about them?

You have obviously become immune to it, because otherwise you would be too shamed faced to write “How does anybody think swearing at the driver of a broken down car, is going to help the situation?”. Why don’t you ask your husband he’s the one that does the shouting in an attempt to make himself feel better regardless of the impact on other people?

And if he can’t control himself under pressure, frankly he shouldn’t be driving? Should he?

@@FreudayNight yes, and I see absolutely no recognition that the bus driver might be unable to not swear and get angry, everyone should accept the dh is aggressive and sweaty, but is incredulous someone swears at her DH?!

Completely agree.

I would not accept being told to f off by my children and for them not to know their are consequences.

The OP is correct to not answer her phone calls if she doesn't want to.
Her choice.

Just like her daughter is choosing to treat her like she does.

No need to block her.

But ignoring her?

Absolutely.

She needs to realise there are consequences.

You can deeply love your children without accepting being their mute emotional punching bag.

The fact that as her mother you want to block her suggests to me that perhaps her immature way of dealing with conflict is a learned behaviour from you. No you shouldn’t block your daughter, you should model proper conflict resolution.

I wouldn't block but just ignore her messages and calls until she has grown up and apologised for her behaviour and abusive language.
I certainly would not be bailing her out financially at 23 years of age as she is now an adult and should learn to stand on her own two feet. Constantly bailing her out 8s only enabling her poor financial management.

Your adult children have problems sometimes you can help, sometimes you can't. @Summerloving22 has said her daughter has refused to deal with, get help for possible ADHD. What more can she do on that front.

I'd go grey, DON'T initiate texts, ignore rudeness, deflate the drama.

I reckon texting, what's app any social media can be misconstrued so easily. Happens on Mumsnet all the time. Face to face is the best form of communication.

Why did you reanimate a zombie thread?