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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult dd told be to fuck myself, a.i.b.u to block her today?

113 replies

Summerloving22 · 08/09/2022 12:53

An hour ago my 23 yr old dd called me as she was having a bad day, could i do a small favour, and i said sure as ever. She described her chaos and i expressed sympathy and needed to advise her of doing one thing with her bank before her wages were swallowed up (and she would then ask be to rescue her with money).She believes she is A.D.H.D but in four years never deblt with. We get on fine 50% of the time but she takes everything out on me.

My sentences got interrupted with her second guessing ,wrongly and accusing me of not helping. I assured her I was not saying anything at all and tried to keep convo simple and listen, but she continued to take things out on me through hissing, resentful suddenly. I know that she is wanting to push back from which is fine if she wants but after one bit too far on her side i did assert that i was hardly talking and could she not talk to me in that way. It's not the first time and on the whole she is over prickly, rude, and i am ashamed to say a bit shallow, will not return messages to her family unless she has no one else around in her life.

So a.i.b.u to think at 23, telling your mother to go fuck herself deserves a block?

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 08/09/2022 18:10

phishy · 08/09/2022 17:21

If this is an example of your empathy, then I dread your other side.

Show quote history

So not blocking my child when she is panicking and not thinking straight is a bad thing? Wow. You can keep your version of empathy, it sucks 😮

WingingItSince1973 · 08/09/2022 18:12

bellinisurge · 08/09/2022 14:54

Don't block. You may be that only person she can cling to

Absolutely this. I have adult dds and they have both had trauma in their lives where I was the brunt of their frustration. My eldest once told me to F Off after a petty row in the car on the way to the train station where she was heading back to uni. I was gutted. I kept the communication open though as I'm her mum and I'm glad I did as now 5 years later she always turns to me and I've learned she was going through an incredibly hard time in her life. Same with middle dd. Both don't live at home but I would never turn my back on them. They need us and despite the odd outburst they love us too. I've since learned my eldest was suicidal and taking drugs because of a relationship breakdown. I'm glad I kept the doors open for her. Xxx

MissingNashville · 08/09/2022 18:12

Let her cool down, she’s had a bad day. Hopefully she’ll call back and you’ll have a better phone call and get it sorted. You’re her mum, set the example on how to deal with these things, be there, you know she struggles with things by the sound of it.

When things are calmer, you can tell her that you do not deserve to be spoken to in that way.

Sunnyqueen · 08/09/2022 18:16

My mum blocked me once so I put on Facebook for all the family and her friends to see 'can someone tell my mum to unblock me please 😂' she was mortified. So there's that.

Original poster
Summerloving22 · 08/09/2022 19:22

I make allowances, but not excuses or special rules @badgerybadgerboo .

For the genuine support from folks on here, i will read and learn and greatly appreciate.

OP posts:
FreudayNight · 09/09/2022 12:19

Sunnyqueen · 08/09/2022 18:16

My mum blocked me once so I put on Facebook for all the family and her friends to see 'can someone tell my mum to unblock me please 😂' she was mortified. So there's that.

And you’re not?

Did you tell her repeatedly to fuck off? presumably you feel entitled to dish out that behaviour and wonder why people don’t like it?

Can you generally not take the hint, or do boundaries truly mean nothing to you?

Miajk · 09/09/2022 13:46

FreudayNight · 09/09/2022 12:19

And you’re not?

Did you tell her repeatedly to fuck off? presumably you feel entitled to dish out that behaviour and wonder why people don’t like it?

Can you generally not take the hint, or do boundaries truly mean nothing to you?

Show quote history

Adults are capable of setting boundaries without being petty children and resort to blocking family or friends on social media.

You don't have to respond just because someone messages you. That's a boundary right there. Grown ups who behave like this posters mum are genuinely pathetic

TheSummerPalace · 09/09/2022 14:10

No it isn’t because the daughter is perfectly capable of behaving decently when it suits her. People who can’t walk, cannot walk regardless of the text you send them.

People with ADHD often have poor employment history, precisely because of their impulsivity. According to you, they would think more rationally and be better at sticking with their job, yet they clearly don’t!

Yes, DH is capable of behaving decently most of the time; but under stress, it’s like he has a rush of blood to the head, and he has a rant for 10 minutes at any member of the public. He’s spent over 60 years developing strategies, to function and it is naive to think he’s going to be cured of ADHD, because of any text, you might send him!

FreudayNight · 09/09/2022 17:58

Yes, DH is capable of behaving decently most of the time; but under stress, it’s like he has a rush of blood to the head, and he has a rant for 10 minutes at any member of the public. He’s spent over 60 years developing strategies, to function and it is naive to think he’s going to be cured of ADHD, because of any text, you might send him!

Has he ever been really scared or hurt by someone having a rush of blood to the head for ten minutes? Can he recognise that (possibly) outside of his closest circle, people have no idea whether he can’t help himself, or whether his displays are deliberately intended to cow those around him into submitting to his Will?
Has a stressed person ever had a rush of blood back at him?

XtinaCaligulara · 09/09/2022 18:00

What mother blocks her own child

Ffs

She told you to go fuck your self

So what

FreudayNight · 09/09/2022 18:03

Miajk · 09/09/2022 13:46

Adults are capable of setting boundaries without being petty children and resort to blocking family or friends on social media.

You don't have to respond just because someone messages you. That's a boundary right there. Grown ups who behave like this posters mum are genuinely pathetic

Show quote history

“Pathetic” is such a weasel word isn’t it.

The full sentence is “When I say you’re pathetic, I don’t have to respect your boundaries.”

What should your mother have said to you to make you realise that treating someone with contempt in public is reprehensible… or did she make you do it.
And big surprise, nothing at all about what you did that led to her making that choice- either here or on FaceAche.

MadeWithCare · 09/09/2022 18:04

Your first response being to block makes you sound just like her TBH. Neither of you actions are very grown up

FreudayNight · 09/09/2022 18:06

XtinaCaligulara · 09/09/2022 18:00

What mother blocks her own child

Ffs

She told you to go fuck your self

So what

A mother that’s had enough of it?
One that knows the only way to rely to Fuck Off is OK then.

You can’t repeatedly tell people to fuck off and expect them to want anything do with you? It’s such a shit standard to set your children.

JusticeforSpike · 09/09/2022 18:21

I once told my mum to fuck off. To be fair I was dying of multiple organ failure and she said she’d breathe with me.

Thankfully they brought me back after my heart stopped and unsurprisingly my mum forgave me. (What a wonderful anecdote for my nearly funeral 🫣).

You’re a safe person for your daughter. Should she have said that to you? Probably not. Are you understanding where her head was to drive her to it?
By all means ask for an apology, but just continue to be there for her. She’s your daughter and she’s struggling.

Sunnyqueen · 09/09/2022 18:23

FreudayNight · 09/09/2022 12:19

And you’re not?

Did you tell her repeatedly to fuck off? presumably you feel entitled to dish out that behaviour and wonder why people don’t like it?

Can you generally not take the hint, or do boundaries truly mean nothing to you?

Show quote history

And you’re not?
Not in the slightest.

Did you tell her repeatedly to fuck off?
**No, I can't remember what I'd done but it would have been more imaginative, that's just boring.

presumably you feel entitled to dish out that behaviour and wonder why people don’t like it?
No I don't wonder about it at all. That was a slow day in our relationship in all honesty. Tbf the woman is a Saint😂

Can you generally not take the hint, or do boundaries truly mean nothing to you?
* *The goal wasn't to get her to unblock me, it was to amuse myself.

FreudayNight · 09/09/2022 18:28

The goal wasn't to get her to unblock me, it was to amuse myself.

How to let us know you’re an absolute cunt, without saying “I’m a cunt”

BabyDreamers · 09/09/2022 18:35

Wtf yabvu that's your child

Inca22 · 09/09/2022 18:37

I would have said "in any relationship, including ours - that is an unacceptable way to speak to someone, so I'm going to hang up now". And then leave her to contact you.

I fully am empathetic - I have an adult daughter like this and now I just call out bad behaviour.

BabyDreamers · 09/09/2022 18:37

OP I should have read your responses first. You obviously did not mean actually block her. I am sorry!

TheSummerPalace · 11/09/2022 08:18

*Has he ever been really scared or hurt by someone having a rush of blood to the head for ten minutes? Can he recognise that (possibly) outside of his closest circle, people have no idea whether he can’t help himself, or whether his displays are deliberately intended to cow those around him into submitting to his Will?

Has a stressed person ever had a rush of blood back at him?*

He is ranting at them, because his emotions have taken over. He is not recognising what the other person is thinking; and the legal consequences don’t bother him either. There is no deliberate intention (because that would take forethought by him) and he’s not interested in making them submit to his will, because his will is not operating and it would take thought about what the other person is thinking; he has no thought whatsoever about what they are thinking. After 10 minutes, he goes back to normal - then he can recognise people might have been shocked.

As for OP, swear words are just emotion words. They are used to convey strong emotions, and DD could have just said “GO AWAY!” in the same tone of voice, and how she felt would have been the same.

Hopeandlove · 11/09/2022 08:21

I am nc with my family but I haven’t blocked them

InBlue · 11/09/2022 08:26

What were you telling her to do with her bank account?

I’m surprised only one other poster has picked up on this. This is clearly what set her off. She’s 23 years old, very annoying to have your mum “just telling you” something you “have” to do with your bank account. She phoned you for a moan and a sympathetic ear, not unsolicited advise.

Or to put it simply: she phoned you because she wanted you to make her feel better, and you made her feel worse.

turningpurpleygreen · 11/09/2022 08:41

Dont block your own child no matter what

onlythreenow · 11/09/2022 09:30

You've mentioned she constantly interrupts and is not good at managing money. These are 2 classic features of someone with ADHD

As is any bad habit or unpleasant personality trait according to MN. I'm surprised we haven't ALL got it if the bar's so low.

This. Why the hell are so many people rushing to find excuses for every bit of bad behaviour? If I had a daughter and she behaved like that I would be telling her not to bother contacting me again until she had a change of attitude. You are allowed to dislike your adult child, and you don't have to put up with said child acting like a brat.

Midlifemusings · 11/09/2022 09:33

Blocking is immature and petty and maybe helps explain her own immature beahviour if that is also how you act.