To never want another child?

[doggiemum247]

DD is 8 months and currently writhing in my arms while I try and feed her. She's starving, but also desperately wants to crawl around.

I couldn't imagine my life without my brother but I just don't think I can have another child. She will be an only child.

I had PND which bordered on psychosis (became very suicidal) and haven't really enjoyed motherhood like I thought I would. I feel trapped all the time. Whenever we do go out, it messes up her nap schedule which means we'll be lucky to get 2-3 hours sleep that night. She's the light of my life and I completely don't regret her but this is the toughest, most alienating thing to ever happen to me/us. I'll put everything into raising her and tough it out, but I find it baffling that people enjoy this.

I keep getting asked by relatives when I'll have another and they pooh-pooh me when I tell them never. They say "oh but the second one is easier" and "you'll regret it".

DH is having his tubes tied, he's so not up for a repeat of this experience either.

Why do people have more than one child? Do people just forget or do others genuinely have it easier? I could never imagine not having DD but being a parent is a trial of extreme endurance.

Yeah I’m with you, OP. One is enough; I’d never go through the early days again because it is hell on Earth.

My son’s 3 and it’s still not a cake walk, although getting easier.

Hey @Piglet89, glad to hear I'm not alone! Let's hope it keeps getting easier...

...So when are you having your second? (I'm joking!!!!!)

Why do people have more than one child? Do people just forget or do others genuinely have it easier? I could never imagine not having DD but being a parent is a trial of extreme endurance.

Well I found the first year with DD very tough, I'm not well suited to the exhaustion of the newborn phase at all. She's 3 going on 4 now and I'm about to have my second.

Forgetting how tough it was probably does come into it a bit, but on the flip side with hindsight that part does seem short lived, though it didn't at the time. The time I've spent with a toddler/small child feels like it's lasting much longer than the baby phase, and obviously there's a lot more of her childhood to come. Eventually, I did start to feel like I would like to have two, so that they could have a sibling relationship for their sake as well as my own - as one of the biggest challenges with older kids is needing to be their constant playmate. The need for that outweighed how hard I found that first, brief era at the time (and no doubt will again when DD2 is born)

That's not to diminish your experience, as you may genuinely be happy with one! But these were my reasons.

Agreed! I had to grit my teeth and just get through it at times. Try to take comfort in the fact that they aren’t writhing, crying babies for long (despite the fact it feels like forever). Soon you’ll have a tiny, little person who wants to explore the world. Your DD will be talking, develop a sense of humour, become a little personality and not just ‘the baby’. You’ll make it through OP - if I managed to get through it without emotionally scarring my DD, then you’ll be fine as well. My DD is 14 now and completely amazing - she astonishes me with her quirky style, self confidence and dark humour. My experience was that the older she got, the better the whole parenting thing became. Not always easier, but better and more fun.

And there’s nothing wrong with being an only child. Some of the kindest, most well balanced middle aged folk I know were only children. My situation differs from yours, in that I have a horrible older brother and only ever wanted a single child as I had no intention of inflicting a sibling on my child as I was determined that history wouldn’t repeat itself. So I have no guilt as all and my DD has a good life.

I think it also really depends on your child. DS was a dream. Always sleeping, always happy. DH and i had no issues at all, life just continued for us like normal. Our social life slowed down a bit, but DS was so easy to take out with us (he just slept in a sling/the pram etc), that we didnt have to sacrifice too much.
DD was the complete opposite. She would only sleep at home in her cot. And she cried a lot. Never found out why.
she took so much of our attention, that DS “woke up” too and started misbehaving 🙈
Life was very tough for about 3 years. Then it turned around again.
My kids are the best of friends now and entertain each other all day long. I have so much free time, its ridicuouls. They are 6 and 8, both in school and playing together when at home.
I work part time and am looking to increase my hours now, because i have so much time.

Its a hard time with a little one (or 2), but in the grand scheme of things its a very short time.
Not sure if we would have 2 if the first one was difficult though..

Thanks @aSofaNearYou, I really am genuinely very interested in people's reasons. It's easy when you're in the thick of it to not see a way out.

That's so interesting that you say the baby phase is short. Obviously being only at 8 months I feel like I've lost any sense of a life I had before and feel like I'll never be a whole person again. But hearing from someone on the other side of it that it seems like a small proportion of their experience of being a parent (which I hadn't really thought about but of course is entirely true) is nice to hear. It gives me hope for enjoying life more in the future. A close friend and neighbour of mine can't have a second child and we've sort of agreed that we'll raise our children as siblings so I'm hoping that'll help with what you say.

Thanks so much for sharing. Best of luck with your pregnancy and with life as a family of four!

The first year is definitely the hardest. Once you are back at work it does get easier. My son was 2 before I could even consider having another. One day you will look back and want to do it again!!

I didnt have pnd, I cant imagine how hard that must have been. I enjoyed my mat leave- dont get me wrong it was a shock to the system, especially the sleep but overrule one of the fav times of my life. Now having a toddler almost put me off having another. I actually found my second easier because I couldnt obsess over the schedule because my eldest's schedule took priority.

Absolutely nothing wrong with having one child though, and ultimately sounds like you and your husband are on the same page about what works for your famiy.

I don't know why people who hate it have another. I hated being pregnant and having a newborn, really disliked 14-24 months, and am still finding it quite hard going at 3.5. So no, I won't have another one. It wouldn't be fair on the children or on me, because I would be a mess.

I think a lot of people firmly believe you shouldn't plan to have any only child, because it's cruel/selfish. As an only child myself, I can assure you it's absolutely fine. There's no guarantee your children will get on well enough to be company.

I didn’t have PND and had a pretty easy baby and toddler stage, but mine is still an only child. There’s no one missing from our family, and she is enough. I don’t want to spend less time with her. I don’t want to split my energy, time and love. It’s perfectly ok to only want one child. And yes, you might change your mind when she’s older, but you might not and that’s great too.

Thanks all for your answers, I'm reading them all and it's so good to hear all these other points of view and experiences!

Or she might not want to do it again. Plenty of people don’t.

@FLOWER1982 and @NCHammer2022 when I have a 10/10 day and feel like I nail being a parent, I can see a faint glimmer of why people would want to do it again. I can see how you might romanticise this phase. Time does have a awkward way of making you forget some truest awful things.

I'm certainly going to work hard to make sure I remember how hard this is!

DD was a high needs baby who didn't sleep but I thought about the bigger picture, the baby phase is short. My two are now 4 and 6 and play so beautifully together. It means I don't need to pretend to be a dinosaur or whatever else it is they're doing. As it turned out DS was an easy baby, really chill and loved sleep, still does.

I wouldn't rush into the snip. I know someone who hated the baby stage so much that her husband did the same thing. The baby is now 6 and he's having it reversed.

I think a lot of people swear they never want another and then suddenly when their kid gets past 1-2 years they become more open to the idea again. I've heard a few women say never again while they're in the midst of it and go on to have another a couple years down the line.

I'm not saying that's going to happen to you and I can completely understand why someone would want a single child but that's just my experiences with the people I know.

Completely agree OP.

We had a DD who was stillborn following a horrific pregnancy.

Resigned ourselves to not having any so got a puppy and yes you've guessed it found out I was pregnant the same week.

I was terrified as I was so ill last time but went ahead.

Everything that could go wrong did go wrong and DS was born very early with me in a coma.

As a result he has SLD, will never live independently, cannot feed himself and is still in nappies at the grand old age of 17.

I couldn't have physically or mentally put myself through that again and with my luck having it happen again, just to give DS a sibling.

Nor would it be fair on them when we were no longer around as I would hate for them to feel "obliged" to become his full time carer as I am now.

I think it's entirely up to the individual(s) (almost forgot Dads there!!)
I will say I think kids are addictive.. I thought I'd just have the one & ended up with seven! :-0 Including a set of twins.. glutton for punishment. :-)
It's no-one else's business, they shouldn't be interfering or coming out with snippy comments.
My nephew is a (grown up now) only child, & it's never held him back in any way.. happily married with children of his own. :-)

@doggiemum247 Hahaha people don’t ask when I am having another because they assume I’m too old (also conveniently true!)

I said this when DD was about this age. She had terrible reflux and screamed ALL the time. She was a dreadful sleeper and I was exhausted and ill and I hated it. Everyone said I’d change my mind, that it was unfair on my DD, that 2 are easier than one.

She started senior school this week. She is my only, I never changed my mind. She is not lonely, she doesn’t miss having a sibling, she loves being an only. My sister had 2 and the second was NOT easier. I’ve never regretted my choice. You do you!

It's personal choice. I felt the same as you but changed my mind when she got to three and went to play school and I decided I wanted a sibling for her and she was very easy and independent by then.

Some people just don’t want more than one. My broodiness never returned after having DD. Having just one child is fine.

I don’t mean to have a go at the PP who said “One day you will look back and want to do it again!” but FFS! The OP had a serious postnatal mental illness which was so severe she wanted to end her life. She is not enjoying the practical reality of dealing with a baby and has decided, with her husband in agreement, that having a single child is the right thing for their family.

The glib “ohhh, you’ll change your mind!” attitude disempowers women, diminishes their lived experience and infantilises them to the point where total strangers question and challenge their decision making re: their families and personal lives.

Everyone is different no way is right or wrong.
You ask why people have more than one child my reasons are below.
I didn't enjoy pregnancy, childbirth or the baby stage. When my first child was born I said never again. But in a lifetime those times are very short and over very quickly although it seems forever at the time!. When DC1 was about 2 those early months seemed less important and I couldn't imagine them not having a sibling. So I had another and I'm very glad I did. I loved that they had each other growing up, holidays etc were easier because they could entertain each other in a way adults can't be there for children and they learnt a lot from each other yes they fought but that was also part of the experience. I can honestly say I would have found their childhood harder if there had only been one of them. I stopped at 2 but when DC2 was about 6 I wished I had had 3!
However other people's reasons are not important. What matters is what feels right for you.

Absolutely hated the baby stage, but my kids are older now (in UK years I think they are Y6 and Y1, in fifth grade and kindergarten in the US). We walked to school today singing and chatting, the older one is quite independent. They are not that physically needy as they were as babies.
Things I did the 2nd time around: prioritised sleep.
Had a rough routine that I religiously stuck to (I breastfed both and then pumped as mat leave is much shorter in the US).
Beyond four months or so only fed in the dark.
Reduced my expectations- weekends look very much like weekdays.

It's life changing and I hate people referring to me as 'Mom' (I'm not their mom, I'm highly educated and hold down a full time job) still but I'm more comfortable with that part of my identity now that I am much less touched out. In fact, I'm at a stage when hugs and cuddles are not always that easy to come by!

Also having one child is fine. DH and I are only children (biologically) and we would like to think we are fine and didn't miss having a sibling growing up.