To never want another child?

[doggiemum247]

DD is 8 months and currently writhing in my arms while I try and feed her. She's starving, but also desperately wants to crawl around.

I couldn't imagine my life without my brother but I just don't think I can have another child. She will be an only child.

I had PND which bordered on psychosis (became very suicidal) and haven't really enjoyed motherhood like I thought I would. I feel trapped all the time. Whenever we do go out, it messes up her nap schedule which means we'll be lucky to get 2-3 hours sleep that night. She's the light of my life and I completely don't regret her but this is the toughest, most alienating thing to ever happen to me/us. I'll put everything into raising her and tough it out, but I find it baffling that people enjoy this.

I keep getting asked by relatives when I'll have another and they pooh-pooh me when I tell them never. They say "oh but the second one is easier" and "you'll regret it".

DH is having his tubes tied, he's so not up for a repeat of this experience either.

Why do people have more than one child? Do people just forget or do others genuinely have it easier? I could never imagine not having DD but being a parent is a trial of extreme endurance.

We stuck at one for vaguely similar reasons. The early part was very very tough for me in terms of mental health, and I didn't want to go there again. Not least because even if new baby didn't know, older child would, and it didn't feel fair to put her through that. I know it might not be the same again, and people cope differently second time around, but we decided this was the right thing for us.

I suppose when you know from experience that something is for a set period of time, it is easier to cope with it. DH and I had reached a point where we considered that we could possibly handle having another, we simply didn't want to.

What I can say is it really DOES get easier, some of it seems so slow, such tiny increments of improvement, and some of it seems to happen in enormous leaps. DD has started high school this week and we have realised how sensible and mature she already was, to cope with it he way she has.

DD as an only also has an amazing life, we can give her more than we could if we had to split our time and attention. She competes at a high level in a sport and knows we can support her in that without having to compromise with the needs of a sibling. We make sure she has a lot of social time, she has buckets of friends and family who she interacts with on her own terms independent of us.

It's really fine to just have one. It's the right thing for some people and isn't the sort of 'oddity' that it perhaps was seen as 50 years ago. When DD left Y6, in her primary year, 30% of leavers were only children.

Solidarity OP. I had horrendous PND with a very high needs baby so know how you feel. I did go on to have another DC and they were much easier but it didn't lessen the struggles I faced on a day to day basis. I'd have loved to have another one but my mental health wouldn't be able to take it so I'm not going down that route. Ignore other peoples comments and do what works for you. And, yes, the early years are shit. I'm hoping and have been told it gets better.

@KermitlovesKeyLimePie that sounds so unbelievably tough - I am sorry.

OP -We always said we’d have two and we were fortunate enough to have had two. They are just under 2 years apart and I truly believe have really enhanced each other’s lives. They are, on the whole, very good friends at aged 11 and 13 (we have older boy, younger girl).

However - had DD been born first I am not entirely convinced we would have gone on to have a second as she was a hideous sleeper. I was on the edge of reason when they were both toddlers - it had nothing to recommend it and I spent about four years feeling exhausted and overwhelmed.

I am however glad we did have them both but your decision is totally valid.

I have 2, I am from a big family and always envisioned having 2/3 myself. My pfb was an absolute star, so easy, the kind of babies the books were written about. Though I had HG with him, enough time passed and I braved a second.

I love DS2 but my god he has been so so difficult. He is 22 months and I am still on ADs for PND. I can safely say if he was my first he would be an only.

So you are not alone in how you feel, I do get it.YANBU

I think it’s just a different experience for everyone. I have two kids 17 mths apart. I was happy to be pregnant again so quickly as I wanted two and I genuinely enjoy being a parent. If I’d been a bit younger when I started I would have happily had 3.

I think we’ll only have one, and I’ve adored mat leave and despite hard times really enjoyed DD’s baby stage so far, except probably the first 3 months (she’s 10 months now). But, she nearly always sleeps 8pm-6am with only one wake up, so although I do feel very tired it’s not that bad, I get evening alone time and some sleep, and we’ve had a lot of family support and been able to go to the cinema, attend weddings etc. As for why I enjoy it, DD also has a clear personality now, she is cheeky and gets into everything and she does cry when she’s tired or hungry but the rest of the time she smiles almost all day long, seeks me out for hugs, wakes up and says mama and is delighted to see me in the morning, seems to learn something new every day, laughs all the time and is just such a total joy. It’s been much better since I stopped expressing milk (she couldn’t ever latch) and purely formula fed too as I have my body and more time back, although I’m glad I gave her my milk for as long as I did. Hopefully things will get better for you soon, maybe when you go back to work?

Despite all this I don’t want any more, I’m selling all her old things and embracing each new stage. I don’t want to be pregnant again, we can’t really afford another, we have no space for another, I like that when I’m 50 she’ll be nearly 16 and pretty independent and I can do more adult things again whilst I’m still young-ish (or at least not old). I’m going back to work full time because we need the money so I want the time I have left to be enough to spend quality time with DD, DH and time for me, without having to spread myself even thinner to give attention to another child. I also feel I can keep up my career more with one child. I don’t want any extra drudge work of cooking, cleaning, washing clothes. It will be easier to travel, assuming we can afford it once we don’t have nursery fees. DH has probably not enjoyed these early months as much as me even though he adores DD and when he sees friends with two kids and all the chaos and arguments and juggling competing needs he thinks no thanks. I can see the benefit to having multiple kids but none of those benefits really make it appeal to me. I can also see benefits to the child having a sibling but I think it’s more important that the child has happy, healthy, caring and involved parents who work hard to meet their needs and that’s what I feel DH and I can be if we just have one child.

Hopefully OP whatever decision you and your DH make is one you can ultimately feel happy with, if that decision is to only have one child then there are lots of potential benefits and I’m sure you can have a great life and give your DD a great life.

I have three, and that was what I wanted, but I think the imperative of 'giving' children a sibling is arrant nonsense. We had all our children because we wanted a child - in fact I worried in each case how they would take having a sibling, ratherthan having expectations of some amazing relationship (and as it happens, it's been hugely positive overall, but there are no guarantees). We know many well-balanced, very happy only children, and I firmly believe there are advantages to both having siblings and not having them.

Mine were all what you might describe as difficult sleepers - they were still feeding more than once at night well into their second year (until about 2 in the younger two's case) and I have never, ever been able to put a child to bed at 7 - my youngest goes at around nine, or just after, and that's earlier than it's been historically because she's just started school (and she is entirely capable of waking up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at before 6.30). Part of retaining my sanity was very much going with the flow - of course there were times they generally napped, but I certainly didn't have a schedule. I did have some very, very difficult moments, all the same. But it didn't have the effect in my case of putting me off having more. That's just individual, though - you feel the way you feel and it's that, not others' experiences, that needs to guide your decisions.

Also meant to say the Only You podcast is a good listen if you’re leaving towards being one and done.

Sounds like you’ve had a particularly tough start. It’s fine to have an only! There are lots of benefits to it :)

In some ways the second is easier, in some ways it's much harder. I wanted 3. I grew up in a big family but we both agreed when I was pregnant with number 2 she'd be our last. It's bloody hard. All of it. Every stage I've experienced so hard.

Don't feel guilty for what's right for you.

You say you couldn't imagine life without your brother but if you'd never had him you'd not have been able to imagine life with a brother.

Having been in the same situation I'd say, aside from getting the right antidepressants, the best advice is just to get rid of any expectations. Don't sweat things like her ruining 3 tops in a row, getting your best lipstick on the carpet, sleeping or not at certain times, having a meltdown in a shop or even getting a cold for the 4th time in a row. Keep imagining yourself as an old lady looking back on it all and remind yourself that it will all pass and as long as you're both alive it's okay to have totally awful days. Don't worry about theoretical situations like siblings. Just try and enjoy the good bits.

IMO a lot of people have more than one because of societal expectation.

That’s not to say that people don’t have them because they want them, I wanted more than one but secondary infertility meant that it didn’t happen. But a lot of people feel it’s wrong to only have one, that children need siblings etc etc.

But IME sibling relationships are overrated. And even if siblings get on ok growing up, it’s rare for siblings to have truly close relationships into adulthood.

Also, having such severe PND I absolutely would never say to someone that they should be considering another one.

YANBU and honestly there's very good reason for a 5 year age gap between mine.

Ultimately I agreed reluctantly to try for a second because it meant so much to my husband and I put a time limit on how long we would try for. The fact that he was so hands on with our first alleviated some of my concerns that second baby would also have an ineffective mother.

I'm truly glad that I did venture into the realms of being a parent of 2. Second time round I actually got to enjoy the baby part (in a weird sleep deprived way). Instead of existing alongside ruined mental health like I was with my first I managed to see the beautiful sides of having a newborn snuggled into me at 2am.

I'm not by any stretch saying you should or will change your mind, people wading in with smug comments really doesn't help - and frankly just makes how you're feeling worse, but second time round really can be the complete opposite to the first time.

Your baby is only 8 months old. Try and find your steady ground so you can feel secure in your role as a mother and start looking at how this new version of your life can be great. Much easier said than done, but definitely worth aiming for.

For the persistent commenters, just smile and say you're making the most of now - tomorrow will have it's own day. They can read into that what they want, but it's often enough to make most people realise the conversation isn't one that you want to continue.

Honestly my first 2 sons were easy babies. Now my 3rd son is a whole different story. If he had been my first I probably would have stopped at 1. All babies and experiences are different.

I think for some people there definitely is some sort of unconscious forgetting of the toughness of the early years going on. Same with labour. I remember thinking during both (early months and labour) that you'd have to be fucking insane to do this more than once. Now I find myself looking back with what I know are rose tinted glasses.

Obviously not everyone will do this, it's perfectly reasonable to always just want one and never change your mind.

We'll only be having one for other reasons, some days I'm sad about it, others I'm not (usually when he's being difficult 🤣).

My first DS hardly slept and tbh we weren’t prepared for the change to our lives, simple things like taking a shower or bath were out of the question and when my MIL offered to have him 2 days a week so I could return to work, I jumped at it. My second DS was born when first DS was nearly 4 years old and the total opposite to DS1, could sleep all day and went to bed at 8 pm. They are now 30 and 26 still completely opposites.

One is perfectly fine. Enjoy that.

You’re not BU at all @doggiemum247. Plenty of people want only one (or no) children. Looking after a baby / toddler / child is bloody tough, and if you don’t want to do it again, that’s fine and it’s great you and DH are on the same page and able to be honest about it.

I’ve found that there are certain life choices (having kids and how many, having a big wedding or not, choosing where to live) where people feel VERY protective of their own choices and can get quite offended or sensitive if you chose to do something different from what they did. You may find that some of the people urging you to have a second, or extolling the virtues of siblings, feel that you choosing to have one, is an implicit criticism of their choice to have more than one.

It does get easier once you’re past the first year. My feeling on this was that the closer their eating, sleeping, needs, socialising, entertainment routines got to yours, the easier it became and the less you felt like your whole life had been hijacked. Aka once they can eat similar ish food to you, don’t poo every half hour, do sleep for at least some of the night, and can do the occasional more adult friendly thing with you, like coming to a cafe, or playing a game - it does start to feel like you have a bit of your life back.

I’m currently pregnant with our second. Partly because we wanted two, partly because we wanted them to have siblings to grow up with but also to be adults with so they have an ally and don’t have to cope with us once we’re old and grumpy (grumpier) on their own. Part of me is looking forward to having a squishy newborn, but part of me is also dreading the plunge into sleepless nights, constant poos and the loss of some of the freedoms we’ve regained now our first is a toddler.

I remember hearing someone say once if we all remembered, like really remembered, how terrible it was, no one would ever do it again. And I think there's probably some truth in that. On a biological level, perhaps we're programmed (not talking about everyone) to look back and view children positively so we continue to procreate.

Oh and there is nothing wrong with only having and only wanting one (or none!).

I'm an only and lovely my childhood. My son has half siblings but if not for them would still be an only and I'd have been fine with that.

You’ve had a really rough time of it and it’s really insensitive of people to ask you if you’re having another if they know what you’ve gone through.

Even when you have two children you get asked will you have anymore. It’s just a topic of conversation but it can be a really awful question for some.

I didn’t go through such a tough time as you but I vividly remember thinking how on Earth do people have more than one when my first was small. Then I fell pregnant again and just had to get on with it and it was difficult, really tough at times. I’m a lot more careful now to make sure I don’t have another as I know I couldn’t cope!

When people ask if I’m having any more I answer a very definite NO, often before they have a chance to finish the question, just shut them down immediately and they’ll hopefully get the hint that you don’t want to talk further and you’ve made your mind up.

I had my first baby 9 weeks early resulting in weeks in SCBU and coming close to dying in the process, and we had another 22 months later. Despite the tough start, I loved having a baby and I loved being a mum. I had to go back to work at 6 months as this was over 16 years ago when that was the maximum maternity leave you could have paid so I don't know if that helped...I couldn't have been a SAHP as my career is part of my identity and sanity.

I also have a sibling, as does my ex husband and I wanted our child to have a sibling. As much in childhood as in the days to come when they might face caring responsibilities and the inevitable event of our deaths.

We always knew we wanted 2 though and nothing bad enough happened to make us change our minds.

I know people with one child for a variety of reasons and I think it's just as valid a choice. As long as you and your partner are both happy and your dd is loved and happy then surely that's all that matters.

When people ask me I openly say never, [DS name] is enough.

We wanted more, but I had secondary infertility and we wound up stopping at one.

and now, she’s 9 and I’m delighted she is the only one. I have now found and treated the cause of my infertility, but it’s too late for us. That bit makes me angry, because the NHS failed us.

I read on here all the time about parents complaining and at their wits end over siblings fighting, stretched resources, being in two places, sleeping challenges, juggling babies and toddlers and teenagers and find myself thinking why?! Especially the people complaining how hard juggling 3 or 4 is. I can’t get my head around why they had more.

the difference is, it’s societally normal to have 2/3. So fewer people comment. The world and his wife and most of mumsnet will tell you you need to provide a sibling for your child. You don’t.

I never get why so many people are so invested in other peoples choices TBH. So what if you only want one ? Good for you .We have 2 children but I was an "only" and it worked well for me .lots of friends and a Cousin as well.Do whats right for you and say you are happy as you are ,then change the subject!