To never want another child?

[doggiemum247]

DD is 8 months and currently writhing in my arms while I try and feed her. She's starving, but also desperately wants to crawl around.

I couldn't imagine my life without my brother but I just don't think I can have another child. She will be an only child.

I had PND which bordered on psychosis (became very suicidal) and haven't really enjoyed motherhood like I thought I would. I feel trapped all the time. Whenever we do go out, it messes up her nap schedule which means we'll be lucky to get 2-3 hours sleep that night. She's the light of my life and I completely don't regret her but this is the toughest, most alienating thing to ever happen to me/us. I'll put everything into raising her and tough it out, but I find it baffling that people enjoy this.

I keep getting asked by relatives when I'll have another and they pooh-pooh me when I tell them never. They say "oh but the second one is easier" and "you'll regret it".

DH is having his tubes tied, he's so not up for a repeat of this experience either.

Why do people have more than one child? Do people just forget or do others genuinely have it easier? I could never imagine not having DD but being a parent is a trial of extreme endurance.

Some people have it easier. I found breastfeeding actively enjoyable, my baby generally slept well, I got out and about and didn't feel isolated, didn't have PND (actually felt more emotionally stable than usual), and I loved being at home. I am older and don't feel like I'm missing out on anything as I partied and travelled etc when I was younger.

I don't think I'm anything special. My experience, I'm sure, is mostly luck. I have friends who have experienced both ends of the spectrum. Those who only have one child either felt the same as you, or struggled to conceive again. Some with multiple child also feel like you but got pregnant again by accident or felt pressured by family ("they neeeed a sibling" - I don't agree with this).

I have three and although I found the transition from one to two a bit tricky I didn’t feel like this at all. Loved my first in the baby stages - enjoyed being at home and potting around, reading, going to baby groups etc. she was pretty placid and I co slept so got enough sleep. It’s tiring but I worked full time - excepting maternity leaves . I guess it’s down to individual personalities and expectations and experiences.

It does get better.

I think partly you forget, partly the second time round you know it gets better so it's bearable, and partly the lifestyle hit from number 2 is much less (because most of it already happened with number 1).

I felt just like you did until DS was nearly 3, so we have a 4 year gap. I was overcome by a sudden wave of broodiness. DD is a total delight and it definitely the right thing for our family but I wouldn't blame anyone for sticking at one.

Some people do have an easier time of it. I remember being amazed and horrified when one of my birth club mums announced she was expecting again when our babies were 8 months old. 3 months later she was complaining of being exhausted as her baby was suddenly waking in the night - it turned out that from 6 weeks her baby had been put down in her cot at 8pm, light turned out and there she stayed sleeping happily until 7am the following morning. No wonder she was happy to have another so quickly of that was her experience! Mine was the polar opposite - cmpa, reflux, never slept more than 3 hours in a row, constant illness/fevers etc.

I couldn't even contemplate having a second until things got a LOT easier after about 18/20 months.

You do you, its no-one else's business other than yours how many children you have. Sorry you've had such a tough time

Why do people have more than one child? Do people just forget or do others genuinely have it easier?

Honestly, OP, it does sound like you have had an unusually difficult experience! Severe PND (let alone suicide ideation) isn't the norm, and only sleeping two hours a night if the family leaves the house for a few hours isn't usual either. You have had a very tough time, from the sound of it. Most people find the baby stage "tough in some ways, but also enjoyable in others, and it didn't actually seem to last that long," and so they have another child.

Of the women I know who actively chose one child (as opposed to it happening for age-related reasons), all three of them had similar experiences of severe PND connected to a very challenging baby. The two thingsvery tough baby period, and decision to stop at onedo seem to be connected.

All three children in the above situations, by the way, are now delightful older children, and their parents really really enjoy raising them and don't think of it as something they have to " tough out" at all. I'm not saying that to try and change your mind--just wanted to give you a bit of encouragement, in case you are worried that "difficult baby is likely to grow up into a really challenging child and teenager and this isn't going to get any better."

By the way, kids who don't seem to need much sleep are hard work when they are young, but fun companions when they get older. You can have longer and more adventurous days out with them, and they can fit more in-study, extra-curriculars, fun stuff, helping in the housewhile still getting enough sleep and not getting grumpy and sleep deprived!

Personally, I'd talk to your DH about waiting on the vasectomy. I don't mean that you'll change your mind (though it is possible that you might)--just that I think it's better if a couple look back and can honestly say that "we made the decision at the right time and it wasn't an impulse thing." I'd wait till your child is three, and then make the decision together.

I had a horrific experience, not dissimilar to your own. I had terrible PND, self harmed (hitting myself not cutting) and was borderline suicidal. I had 3mths off work after returning after mat leave and not being able to cope, was prescribed anti depressants and was like a magic wand. 6mths later I was back to my normal self and haven't taken a pill since (he's now almost 5yrs). I despise the baby phase but from 18mths oldish he was such a pleasure and I adore spending time with him and love him with all my heart. I was terrified of a repeat experience but felt far more strongly about him not being an only child. I desperately wanted a sibling for him.
It was 100% the right decision (for us). I had extra support from Health Visitors due to my previous PND, didn't suffer any whatsoever and every 'bad' phase we went through with DD as a baby I had the experience of knowing it would be very short lived. I was so much more relaxed and happier.
DS absolutely adores his baby sister. At 4 and 19mths, they're thick as thieves, love each other completely and are best friends. Holidays and days out are just amazing and it's just wonderful to watch them together. I'm so so grateful I didn't deprive him of this experience with a sibling. Although I appreciate I've been very lucky it's all turned out this well.

Having severe PND is enough to put anyone off, so I'm not surprised you feel this way.
I had 2 at once with their Dad already out of the door and no family to support. Severe PND (with psychosis!) made the first severwl months (if not the first couple of years) pretty horrendous.
Nowt wrong with sticking to one child and ignore family members with their unhelpful (yet, well-meaning) comments.

It's got nothing to do with ppl. Ask them why they are so interested in.your sex life?

Thanks all for your support, some really interesting perspectives and things to think about. I am curious as to whether time will change anything for me but I'm almost determined to make sure I don't forget, so I don't have to relive this. Some really good points about having or not having siblings to, to think about.

Our society is so odd trying to make people want to give their children siblings. My siblings were essentially domestic terrorists and my mum let them wreck my self confidence. Now I’m older I’m friends with one of my sisters but not close to the others. I had two children not expecting them to get on and focused on activities and play dates so they weren’t always one on one. I really don’t believe in giving them a play mate… have a second child if YOU want one don’t use the first child as an excuse for your needs.

Oh and if you haven’t read Lauren Sadler one and only I recommend it.

I don't think you're unreasonable to only want one child, my DD has plenty of only child friends, and my DH is an only child. All perfectly happy and I'd never dream of asking their parents "Are you sure you don't want a second?". Other people's choices are not my business!

But (and this is not meant to diminish your hard experience at all), the baby stage is fairly brief when you look back on it so I suppose that's why some people end up repeating the experience! However when you are in the thick of it, it can feel all consuming and endless. 8 months is still really early days, especially with the added stress of a baby that doesn't sleep well and severe PND.

For me personally, I was lucky to have an easy baby, no issues with PND and wanted a second so I didn't spend too much time thinking about it. But I can see why that's not the case for everyone, and people have happy lives with or without siblings.

It’s personal choice and you don’t have to decide now! I just find it so weird that people are asking you about having a 2nd, so inappropriate.

Having seen her cousins (my sister has 4 DC), constantly bickering and whinging about each other, DD said she was glad she never had siblings and it all "seemed exhausting". As for the argument that having siblings means that the burden of elderly parents is shared, well I have 2 siblings and the responsibilities of planning their funerals (both in 2020), fell to me as the others were just "too distressed to deal with it", neither caring what I might have been feeling. Having siblings can sometimes make life harder, not easier.

We had about 8 weeks of colic which was awful but after that DS1 was easy. He slept from midnight to about 7 from 8 weeks so as soon as the colicky evenings were behind us he was no problem at all. Had a cot nap every morning and a pram sleep every afternoon when I got my walking exercise. I thought parenthood was pretty easy. Then we had DS2 … No regrets, and it was nothing like as hard as some have it but he was a much worse sleeper although the colic was less bad. He was winter born and had a snuffly cold in his early weeks which didn’t help. So yes, there are some of us who have it quite easy with the first and wrongly presume it’s down to their brilliant parenting - and then get a shock with number 2.

My first was a dream. My second was a nightmare! The reason i wanted a second was I became massively broody at about 8 months post partum, had an easy baby, so decided on a second despite my pregnancies being difficult ones.

If I'd had my second baby first, i think I'd have waited many years before having another 😄

I'm with you. I absolutely hated pregnancy and the newborn/toddler phase and DH struggled too. We did consider another but decided against it as I realised it was my hormones talking and that I'd still get broody even if I did have another. Must ignore ovaries and listen to brain! DD is four now and I am even more confident I don't want another as she gets older. It's still tough but not as bad as it was and I have no desire to go back there. I was not cut out for this and it wouldn't be fair to me or the kids as I'd be miserable. Not fair to my Mum either who has had to give me so much help when I couldn't cope. I think DD will be much better off having a mother who isn't constantly on the edge of a breakdown than she would having a sibling. Tbh I think she loves having all of our attention anyway.
I get the comments too of course. It's odd how invested people are in others' reproductive choices. I oten think it's because they want to validate their own choices or have company in their misery because I've noticed some people will go on about how amazing parenthood is then as soon as you're pregnant thru gleefully tell you about how hideous sleepless nights/teething/terrible twos/teenage years are and that you won't know what's hit you.

I don't think I was ever broody as such even for my first one. And I remember at multiple times during the pregnancy and after she was born that it was a terrible mistake. But I went back to work when she was 9/10 months (her dad took a few months off then on shared parental leave) and I started to feel like I was getting control of my life back. Felt like I needed to work to get some self identity. She's not nearly 2.5 and I'm expecting my second any day now. My DD is so lovely and caring and I adore seeing her develop, but I couldn't be a SAHM 24/7.

With my baby due now, I feel like all the stuff I found hard with DD at the time I will be able to more easily see that it is a really short time in comparison to how she is now.

Hoping for the best!

DD is incredibly excited to be having a baby sister and I hope they end up being good friends.

I would say that the reason other have more than one child is that their experience has been different to yours. I loved being pregnant, had two very straight forward births and loved the newbie stage. I wanted another one as soon as possible but we waited until our firs was 1, got pregnant straight away as have a 21 month gap. I love my girls and how close they are, watching them play together and hug and kiss each other makes me feel so happy.I want a third but my husband wants to stop at 2.
My sister also experienced postpartum psychosis and she only had one child. I think it’s totally fine to just have one child and focus all of your attention on them, but the reason other go on to have more is usually because they love the whole experience and want to do it again.

I feel you. I absolutely hated the baby and toddler phases, they put me into a major depression. and it completely turned me off having another child.

@doggiemum247 my little girl is 1 next week and honestly I felt the same when she was 8 months, she was a hard small baby. Had colic/reflux and tongue tie, she didn’t sleep well for ages until we sleep trained her- for us I think a turning point was around 10 months as she started to become more confident and competent at crawling and she’s a very happy little girl now. I’m 7 weeks pregnant and at first I was absolutely terrified (still am really!) but I knew I wanted her to have a sibling, I’m an only child and I dreamt of a sibling. I’m hoping we get an easier ride this time, but if not- we’ve survived it once!

I had a horrible pregnancy and birth and said no more. We were happy with that.

Then they turned 2 and my feelings changed. But being brutally honest I only had another so they’d have a sibling. I didn’t have that burning maternal desire to have another.

Then I had another horrible pregnancy and birth and a baby that cried 23 hours out of 24 (or what felt like it) and I knew I was definitely done!