To never want another child?

[doggiemum247]

DD is 8 months and currently writhing in my arms while I try and feed her. She's starving, but also desperately wants to crawl around.

I couldn't imagine my life without my brother but I just don't think I can have another child. She will be an only child.

I had PND which bordered on psychosis (became very suicidal) and haven't really enjoyed motherhood like I thought I would. I feel trapped all the time. Whenever we do go out, it messes up her nap schedule which means we'll be lucky to get 2-3 hours sleep that night. She's the light of my life and I completely don't regret her but this is the toughest, most alienating thing to ever happen to me/us. I'll put everything into raising her and tough it out, but I find it baffling that people enjoy this.

I keep getting asked by relatives when I'll have another and they pooh-pooh me when I tell them never. They say "oh but the second one is easier" and "you'll regret it".

DH is having his tubes tied, he's so not up for a repeat of this experience either.

Why do people have more than one child? Do people just forget or do others genuinely have it easier? I could never imagine not having DD but being a parent is a trial of extreme endurance.

I think YANBU to want another (obviously, it's totally up to you and your DP!)
For me, I genuinely don't remember the baby bit that clearly! I remember being tired, crying quite often, small specific things, but overall it's fuzzy!
When DD was 3-8 months I was seriously thinking I might be done, having always wanted 4 children! But around when she turned one I suddenly, desperately got so broody for a second! I went back to work at 10 months and she started sleeping through at 11, so that probably had something to do with it too!
Now she's 18 months and I'm pregnant again, will be a 25month gap. I'm finding I'd also forgotten lots of the shit bits of prengancy too…

I'm not really looking forward to the small baby stage but I feel like I should cope better because I'm better prepared and know that it doesn't last forever!

Not sure about 4 kids though… we might go for a third, but might not.

I had my daughter young , she was 18 before people stopped asking when I was going to have another one 🙄

It’s perfectly valid to only want one and I don’t mean AT ALL to patronisingly indicate you will change your mind as you probably won’t.

However, I think it would be a mistake for you or your DH to make permanent surgical decisions that prevent it, when your first is so young and it’s all so raw. If there’s even a 1% chance that you may feel differently later, which many PPs have said has happened to them, don’t take the risk. I was adamant I was having one until suddenly I wasn’t. I would have been thoroughly pissed off at anyone telling me I would change my mind but hey, it happened.

You're still in the trenches and now is not the time to make the decision to have potentially life changing surgery. Wait a couple of years and if you’re still sure, then think about a vasectomy.

I think some people are just lucky. I had a difficult first birth, but after that DD was an easy baby, slept well, bf went well, no PND at all. So in that situation the decision to have a second was easy. DD2 wasn't quite the great sleeper DD1 was but still a very easy baby.

I think you're definitely making the right decision for you and I'm glad your DH is taking measures.

I'll probably get torn apart but I agree tbh.

In the depths of PND and poor mental health isn't the time to be making permanent decisions imo. For anyone, male or female.

Have just one child if you want to - that is a valid and wonderful choice!

I have two children but for a variety of reasons I couldn't contemplate a second until my first was nearly 4. There's 4.5 years between my two. I went back and forth about whether to have another child a lot but ultimately decided that I did want another. My eldest was a happy only child and is also happy with a sibling. You just need to do what's right for you (one baby, two or many more) but I'd say you really are still in the thick of it and if you have any doubts then don't make any decisions now. Just wait it out and then when you're certain you want no more children do something permanent. Until then don't do anything you might regret later. If you are of course certain now that you're family is complete embrace it and enjoy your only! It is lovely being in a little triangle family.

Not everyone has the same experience you’re having. I’m pregnant with my 4th and I’ve never felt the way you do. I thoroughly enjoy it. People have more because they probably don’t feel the way you do about it.

I found the baby stage hard and my eldest was a miserable baby to be blunt. I felt like things turned a corner about 12 months and that was when we discussed having another. My thought process was that my youngest could not have been any worse than my eldest. Which he wasn't thank God!

Life is very hard and lonely with small babies. Truth be told I didn't overly enjoy it either and was baffled at friends who just seemed In their happy place when with their babies. I think a lot had to do with how much support you have. I had friends that went on multiple holidays/ night out/ lunches etc because they had so many family members that always wanted to baby sit.

I really wanted to relive the intensity of my early relationship with DD1 to be honest. She was high needs, velcro and didn't sleep, it was relentless and so so exhausting but I'd never felt so utterly wrapped up in something or someone, so transformed, and I craved it once she grew bigger and more independent and life became more 'routine' again.

Joke was on me though as DD2 turned out to be a pretty placid, self-contained little baby who would sit on the floor with her toys and pretty much ignore me most of the time 😆I felt like she was just a lovely little stranger for about 6-8 months. The crazy intensity I'd been chasing never arrived! Bit of a let down almost (although nice to be so much less stressed). But now I have two little lovely girls who adore each other, and watching them be sisters gives me so much joy. So it all worked out for the best, I have to assume my hormones knew what they were doing!

My first didn’t sleep and the baby bit can be boring but from my perspective once we had a child we’d already decided to be parents and some things had irrevocably changed so having a second wouldn’t make a big difference one way or the other. It didn’t feel like a big decision to do it again. I enjoyed my second maternity leave a great deal (partly as my youngest slept better and fed less fussily) and going part time and doing stuff with my 9mnth-2 and 2-4 year old smalls until the eldest started school. We considered a third and I’d have quite liked another but it didn’t work out at the time and then as the kids got bigger we were less keen to do the baby bit again. If not for some work travel to Latin America and then covid pretty sure we’d have 3 smalls by now.
It’s no less reasonable to want to stop at 1 child than at 2 or 3 or at 4 so you should go with what will be best for you & your family. You really don’t need a reason not to have another beyond that you don’t want to

It does get easier though so don't go to hard on yourself. And they grow up in the blink of an eye. Honestly!

My DP though HATES the baby stage and prob would have had a happier life with no children. Which is a real shame for him and them.

I hear you, OP! Once was enough for me and I’ve never regretted my choice. You know when you know.

DC1 was 3 months old when I fell pregnant with DC2 - planned. DC1 was such a chilled out baby, slept 10 hours a night every night from about 12 weeks. Everything with DC1 was enjoyable and relatively easily, which is why we tried for DC2 straight away.

DC2 was harder work but still an easy baby in comparison to some.

I had no post natal depression, enjoyed them both and happily went back to work part time with both at 4 months and then 5 months.

What I'm trying to say is that my experiences seem very different to yours which is why we choose to have another DC straight after. I think its the luck of the draw whether your DC and the early weeks & months are easy or not and I don't blame you for not having another after your experience with your DC.

I had a similar experience to you OP. My DD will soon be 5, and I still don't really want another child. It's only bloody social norms that say people should have 2! But social norms don't have to raise them 😂
You do you. One child is brilliant.

Despite having had possibly one of the easiest babies in the world (as easy as they can be any way), we still only want one child. She is 5 now and we are still very much happy being the three of us. It won't make any difference to her as she gets older I don't think as siblings may or may not get on or be helpful to each other etc. We feel we are happy as we are and with the world as it is that we will be able to support her better than we would if we had another. It is about what works for you, you can also change your mind if you want to.

I didn't forget his hard it was. I planned my pregnancy when dd1 was 11 months. It was very difficult (horrendous actually) but I'm one of three and wanted three so I thought I best get on with it. Not planning a third though now.

I had severe PND and suicidal feelings with my first, and swore I'd never do it again. When DC hit 2 and I saw the amazing little person they'd become, I wanted more. I was terrified of PND, the difficult early days etc, and then it took 2 years for us to conceive. But this time around I knew what might happen, had appropriate support in place, and was able to get help much sooner. I also knew that life gets easier, and you get more of yourself back as they get older. I got PND second time around, but no where near as bad and it passed a lot quicker. DC2 is nearly 2, and I had DC3 3 weeks ago!

I'm a loner and have mental
Issues. I'd be lost without my siblings. They help me loads. Mine are 10 and 12 and physically fight every day it's so draining. Can't win.

Everyone is different, there is no right or wrong way. My first was easy and I always wanted lots of children so I went to have 2 more. I’d have more but I left it a bit late to have a big family.

I know people who are happy with one.

I know someone, like you who had a traumatic birth, both her and baby nearly died, she swore never again but 3 years later had a second.

Do what’s right for you, don’t engage with others, you don’t own anyone an explanation.

My first born I struggled with so much big shock and change of lifestyle it was almost as though I could not adjust to motherhood fully , she had a milk allergy and severe reflux I survived on sleep of 2 hour shifts at a time it was horrific she got easier and easier as the years went by then she was 3 and it was enjoyable for me ano much easier, she was in nursery from 2 , she got to 5 and I was an only child and wanted another as I hated it and I’d sort of finally got over how horrific I felt at the time, my son has been a breeze I was prepared for the worst and now I find enjoyment in it all he’s more difficult at nearly a year than my daughter was but my lifestyle has shifted I’m more confident in being a mother the enjoyment is there each morning for me it was utter shock having a first child the second child was easier I said never again but after a few years that faded into having another one.

My LO is 8mo too. I found pregnancy neutral to uncomfortable, birth was traumatic, and 3mo-current had been tough and lonely and boring at times. BUT I also just love the bones of my little man, and love seeing him develop, and I come from a big family myself (four siblings) - I just can’t imagine not having more.

I have the attitude that life isn’t meant to be easy or happy all the time. The rough and smooth is part of the experience.

I am sort of hoping having two will be easier for me as I like being busy, and the quiet life of entertaining one little baby is a bit dull for me at times.

Whereas, I have a friend who always knew she only wanted on and her difficult pregnancy and early months only confirmed that for her.

All our experiences and choices are valid.

DD was just a genuinely very easy baby. Great sleeper, could take her anywhere, really jolly, good eater, late mover so just sat there playing with toys, loved to play on her own. So I didn't have the maybe 'typical' sleep deprived, stressed experience. I wouldn't say I've ever been sleep deprived either her.

We were one and done originally but as DD got a bit older I started to waver and in the end we had DD2, who is 11 weeks. It is harder this time for sure: DD2 isn't quite as easy going as DD1, although she is thankfully another brilliant sleeper so I haven't had to content with tiredness on top of it all.

It's just a really personal decision. There are so many variables that make each person's experiences different, easier, harder, etc. You've been unfortunate to have had a really bad ride and it's totally understandable why you don't want another! Other people haven't had the same experience so will choose differently.