To never want another child?

[doggiemum247]

DD is 8 months and currently writhing in my arms while I try and feed her. She's starving, but also desperately wants to crawl around.

I couldn't imagine my life without my brother but I just don't think I can have another child. She will be an only child.

I had PND which bordered on psychosis (became very suicidal) and haven't really enjoyed motherhood like I thought I would. I feel trapped all the time. Whenever we do go out, it messes up her nap schedule which means we'll be lucky to get 2-3 hours sleep that night. She's the light of my life and I completely don't regret her but this is the toughest, most alienating thing to ever happen to me/us. I'll put everything into raising her and tough it out, but I find it baffling that people enjoy this.

I keep getting asked by relatives when I'll have another and they pooh-pooh me when I tell them never. They say "oh but the second one is easier" and "you'll regret it".

DH is having his tubes tied, he's so not up for a repeat of this experience either.

Why do people have more than one child? Do people just forget or do others genuinely have it easier? I could never imagine not having DD but being a parent is a trial of extreme endurance.

I’m pregnant with my 2nd and have a 3.5 year old. Just as your experience is what I’d think is the extreme end of the scale in terms of finishing it difficult I was the total other end. My DS was an absolute dream. Slept and fed perfectly. Very rarely cried and I mean maybe less than 2 minutes per day. He fitted into our lives perfectly and with next to no disruption. I’m not boasting but just trying to give another view of why someone might look forward to another baby rather than decide not to have another. I’m well aware this time round may be not so easy!

I always wanted two. We have 4, and I would LOVE more.

i don’t think any of us can plan for how we feel! My friend wanted a houseful and stopped at one!

its so personal. Your family don’t have to be those childrens parents!!

For me, a big reason was my babies were quite easy, and I didn't suffer any physical or mental health issues from the births, so I really did enjoy it, no rose coloured glasses needed. I hope that doesn't sound smug, it's not, it's not certainly not anything I did. It's just luck like anything. I'm just saying this because it's not always the case that everyone hates it and has a terrible experience but goes back for more anyway.

I must admit I wonder when I read threads on here about how much the person hates being a parent and how much they are struggling. They go on about how it's terrible and then always mention they are pregnant with dc2 or 3. I just think, why?

I only have one, mostly for situational reasons (separated when dd was 18 months and stayed single - she's now 14) but also because, as someone put it upthread, the broodiness never really came back. There are a few wistful moments, but honestly, freedom from broodiness is an under-rated freedom!

I was you too. I loved my son but didn't find "enjoyment" out of the every day with a baby. I didn't understand why people loved having kids etc. It did change for me when he started walking, it got much easier taking him out. Then he started talking and again, it got more fun. He's 2 years and 2 months now and I love spending time with him.
Could be you just don't like the baby stage op, but it will change and you'll go through a stage you enjoy! I'm even 19 weeks pregnant with my second after we swore we wouldn't do it again.

That's not to say you'll change your mind about having another. And you don't have to. Absolutely nothing wrong having one child. If you and DH are on he same page, even easier. Whenever you get comments (we all do), just smile and nod. Or if it gets too much, ask them to stop asking you because you are happy with one and won't be having more and the questions are irritating you.

I'm so sorry you've had such a tough time of it op. The baby stage can be so relentless and a shock to the system to say the least; the lifestyle change is really distressing for anybody without PND, nevermind with it. So firstly hats off to you for battling through that, you are obviously a very strong lady!
I just wanted to say my experience with dc1 was horrendous. I struggled with sleep deprivation and the sheer pressure i would put on myself trying to do everything, he was a bad sleeper and tough reflux baby, and had been poorly at birth. I literally thought "what the hell have I done, this is a mistake and nothing like I imagined being a mother would entail!" I told everybody in no uncertain terms that I was having no other children. People can be so presumptious and tactless asking "when will you have another?" like it is mandatory and some sort of right of passage as a parent!😡

Fast forward 2 years and I recovered and my mindset completely changed. I didn't have dc2 to 'have another child' or 'to give dc1 a sibling.' I had a second baby because I felt somebody was missing in our family, I wasn't quite fulfilled; I would look up from the garden at the empty bedroom window, and just imagine a little person waving down at me. That baby is now almost 3 and honestly completes our family so nicely. I have had such a feeling of closure, and haven't had a single urge to have a 3rd. Also the second one was way easier than the first, time has gone alot faster. You've just done it before, don't overthink things and they just have to slot in. I found dc2 has learnt so much from dc1 and came on alot quicker too. I found as well the baby stage with him absolutely flew over.

I guess what I am trying to say is don't even entertain the decision at just 8 months old, far too early. Just concentrate on looking after yourself and trying to claw back any sleep/time to yourself as your little on grows, that you possibly can

I wouldn't put any pressure on it and just see how you feel down the line, at the moment you don't want another baby and that is a absolutely fine, if you still feel the same in acouple of years that is fine too! Things will improve, it feels forever when you're in it especially the first time around. 💐

We stopped at one. She wasn’t the easiest baby (though not the hardest either), the birth was traumatic but we would have done things very differently the second time to try and avoid that. So those were only minor considerations. The main driving force was we were happy with one and like our vibe as a family of 3. The only time I ever considered another, it was already too late because she would have been 4 by the time the next one came along and that’s hardly an age where they’re going to be playmates and have things in common. I don’t think we have to “give a child a sibling”, it’s a human being, not a toy and I didn’t feel the need to provide her with a playmate. She’s got plenty friends who visit often, she’s a cousin the same age and she’s become good at entertaining herself which is a pretty good skill to have.

@doggiemum247 I had more because I wanted them to grow up and be my best friends. Although that’s never a guarantee I’m pleased to say that my children are like friends to me now and can discuss real issues and life and politics. Also there’s never something quite like the love between a mother and child so you know they will be more genuine than anyone else out there. Although I have 10000 friends none of them will be like my DC and none will be as close to me as my own mother who is my also my best friend. So my overall answer is the actual rich relationship that develops amongst a mother and child and also the relationship the siblings develop with eachother is priceless.

It is extremely challenging depending on so many things: the health and disposition of your child, support from partner, support from family and friends, your own physical health, the pregnancy journey, the birth experience, financial situation as well as your own personal and emotional bandwidth.

PPD is hard. Having a child that won’t sleep is hard. Not being able to go out is hard.

It is perfectly possible to be happy with one child. In many cases it is the most responsible decision one can make to be “one and done” or even to have none! Society “expects” multiple children, but frankly society is not going to take care of them.

There is simply no guarantee a second child will be “easy”.

I will say that the initial few years are hard, you’re still in the thick of it at 8 months. I hope the tide turns for you soon.

Having one child is fine. I don't know why people are so keen to persuade women that they will almost definitely certainly change their minds. It's so infantilising.

Yanbu..i don't get it either op. Adore dd and love teen years but i am not doing the early years again.

I agree. I really don't want to sound smug but I honestly didn't find the baby stage particularly difficult - I pretty much shoved them in a sling and did what I wanted to do for half the day on mat leave, spent a lot of time in art galleries and meeting friends for lunch. I did find the sleep deprivation hard but I also chose to sleep train at 6 months which solved the problem within a week.

My mum had postnatal psychosis - I think she was wise to stop at one child. I had a tough time as a child. I think you sound much more with it and better able to handle the issue though than she was.

So just have one. I've just had my third and am very much done now, just didn't feel it before. It happens at different numbers of kids for different people but it's ok to stick with the number that's right for you.

I hope you feel alittle better op weeding out the ignorant replies and reading the supportive ones. A lot of people on this thread feel for you and think your 'friends' were out of order.

So sorry wrong thread 😳

I think it depends on the child. My cousins had easy first babies, thought that it was their superior parenting skills (it wasn't) and had second children quite quickly. Both second children were non sleepers and difficult (impossible) to manage. Now they understand.

I had a non sleeper for my first. Babyhood was too difficult for me. I dreaded her becoming a tantrumming toddler but actually she's an easy dream now! Turns out she needed the independance (and exhaustion) of walking and talking! I could have ten of those as a toddler (but I won't).

Don't listen to people who tell you "just wait till they're difficult toddlers/ teenagers" because they might just get easier! Every child is different and you know your child best.

I had just the one. I remember being asked time and time again " when are you having another" my reply was always 1 word "never". I never felt the urge to have a 2nd child and I have no guilt or regrets at all.
FWIW DD was a happy, confident and very social child and is the same now as an adult.

I just wish people didn't feel the need to comment on others choices.

I didn't want another child after a difficult pregnancy - nausea started before I tested and we were ttc so my period wasn't even late, nausea was constant and severe, sickness was awful and I lost a lot of weight. Developed pre-eclampsia, had a induction, third degree tear and DS whisked away to SCBU. found the whole thing traumatic.

Didn't want to risk that again.

The baby stage was easy though, (apart from the flashbacks and reliving the whole labour and birth), but DS was a very easy going, happy baby, as long as you didn't bathe him or uncover his legs. He's 9 now, the sensory issues have continued, and with a bunch of other issues we're waiting for assessment for ASD. And I am so glad we didn't have another as their safety would be a huge issue - DS meltdowns have put me in A&E twice.

It's your choice op, if you don't want another child it's nobody else's business and you don't need permission. I mean this kindly of course, but it is never unreasonable to have no children, lots of children and everything in between.

I only have one and it was horrendous when he was a baby, first two years were hell. He's a teen now though and a dream, so easy. Definitely no regrets not having another and he has never wanted a sibling. Neither me nor OH were ever close to siblings.

I'm so sorry you suffered such awful PND.
My firstborn was a nightmare baby! So unhappy. If she was conscious she was crying. I struggled a great deal and spent a lot of time in tears myself. I felt like I'd been hit by a bus for several months.
The reason I had a second child was because I always realised this was a temporary situation. She wouldn't be a whining, writhing, crying baby for long (although it felt like FOREVER at the time). I knew before too long she'd be a sweet little girl. That we'd have lovely conversations and cuddles and do nice things together. Whenever I struggled during those early months I'd picture her at 5 years old, running up to meet me after school, telling me about her day, walking home together hand in hand. And it was all true. My miserable baby become the most wonderful child who's brought me so much joy.
With my second it was much, much easier and the baby period flew by. I barely remember him being a baby. It passed so quickly.
However it's completely fine to have one baby of course and I can see why people do. Better for the environment too. No one should be interrogated for having one child!

I find this such a weird mindset - why do other people care when you are having a child? Or not?

I personally have twins and then a third - there is less than 3 years between them. At 13 and 10, I genuinely cannot remember how hard it was, particularly when the twins were little and didn't sleep.

But - I just wanted another one? Had I not, I wouldn't have done it. I totally understand why people don't, for me I think it was hormones egging me on.

Why is it that certain people have such strong opinions on other people's lives?! Baffling.

Your baby is still very young. It's such a hard stage. I felt exactly the same as you until well over age 2 but now have two girls with a 3.5 year age gap.
If you choose to have an only child that's a perfectly valid and good decision and your mental health is a very good rational behind that. I'm an only child and very happy - you don't miss what you don't have.
However you don't need to make any big decisions now. See how you feel in 18 months.
Also every baby is different. I hated the first year with my first but my second was a very easy baby - she's now a really tough toddler!

First baby didn't sleep, I had pnd too. But he is three now and we have had an accident and decided to carry on with the pregnancy. So maybe you do forget how shit the first year is

I was very ill with PND and hated it for so long, had no bond etc.
Still now, I'm not much of a 'mum' in the sense of what I expected, I haven't suddenly changed personality or grown to love hanging around in the playground or soft play. I'm still very much an adults person.
But absolutely bizarrely, 4 years later I find myself pregnant with another. And when I try to explain why, it's really just the absolute love I have for my kid that's done it. Like, I wanted to love someone else like this. Somehow it is worth all the negative stuff.
It's totally fine to not want another. I didn't for a very long time. But don't write yourself off in terms of enjoying parenting. You will carve your own path, and build your own relationship. No one is a 'natural', they're just conforming to stereotypes of what a mother should be. Ultimately it is just a relationship, and its unique to you and your child- you're the best mother for them, because you are their mother.
And being a mum doesn't mean you have to lose yourself. Yes, priorities change, you have less time, things have to give. But the whole martyr idea that has somehow devoured motherhood is rubbish. If in doubt, compare yourself to fathers- if you're feeling guilty about doing something, ask if you'd be made to feel guilty if you were a dad. Almost always the answer is no.