Family won't respect our no screen policy foe DS

[MoMuM7]

I have a no screen policy for DS (1 yo). Everyone who watches him ie family, childcare knows this. I've recently discovered that my sister has been letting him watch TV for HOURS when he goes over to hers. She loves him to bits but why won't she abide by my rules? Is it really that hard to entertain a child? BTW she's single, lives alone and as far as I can tell has no other responsibilities/distractions that would cause her to plonk DD infront of the telly.
I have now decided she can only see him when I'm around. She's very upset. Family thinks im over reacting. AIBU?

I get where you’re coming from - it used to stress me out when my MiL would give my toddlers her iPad with rubbish videos from YouTube on to keep them quiet, and feed them loads of Haribo (and that’s when we were there too!). It came from a place of love though - she wanted to treat them, and maybe wasn’t sure what else to do to keep them occupied. She still gives them piles of sugar and buys loads of random toys they don’t need, but her and the kids have an amazing bond and I’m glad we didn’t fall out when they were little (we’d just make up with less screen time and sugar the rest of the week!)
Do you leave your sister with some toys and books for your son, when he’s at her house, and have you told her what he enjoys doing? Do you leave her with his pushchair to be able to take him out? It might help to invite her to meet up with you at places local to her (parks, soft play etc) so she can see what you do with him and get some ideas (obviously don’t tell her this is your motive - just invite her out to spend time with you both). Being at home with your own 1yo is hard work, never mind with someone else’s.

Tell me that you are a first time Mum without telling me you are a first time Mum.

Tell me you have no respect for honesty and boundaries without telling me that you have no respect for honesty and boundaries.

If you don't like what she does when offering you free babysitting, then you are perfectly entitled to go and pay for childcare elsewhere.

Your 'rules' are ridiculous. She probably has lots of other stuff to be getting on with. And I'll bet you'll have changed them by the time your darling child is in the terrible twos and trying to take your house apart, while you're trying to cook, clean and work. I think you have very unrealistic expectations.

@Culldesack if memory serves, around 5 or 6

I'm going to assume your poor single childless spinster sister who should be ever so grateful her fertile successful sister has bestowed her child on her to mind for hours and hours doesn't have a lot of childcare experience (being single and childless and all..)

in which case it is BLOODY DAUNTING to take care of somebody elses most precious thing in their life with no prior experience, if a bit of screentime makes her comfortable with doing you a favour and your little one is fed, watered, loved and having an all round good time then unclench!

That or...pay out for a childcare professional who will strictly adhere to your rules. Because they're paid to.

YABVU - fix this now before it gets bigger.

"How on earth did our mothers manage without wretched screens?
Im with OP! Baby is a baby & babies don’t need screens!
(Where’s my hard hat?)"

Well it's a hell of a long time ago but they put the baby in a pram in the garden. They also didn't work, probably smoked heavily around said baby and had many more kids to attend to.

This precious bundle is having their relationship with a loving auntie severed because she put Mr Tumble on. Akin to shooting up next to the baby, I know.

For a bit I thought that your reference to DD was that your sister also had a young child who is not your son, but I'm going on your description of her living alone.

If you have to use family or unpaid childcare regularly, for longer than a couple of hours at a time, then you need to be able to reach a compromise on activities that are not actively dangerous to your child (like the lactose example).

If this is your line in the sand then you need to look for alternative childcare, almost certainly paid, that works with your approach, or where you can set the rules.

I ended up using a childminder when DC was about 18 months. They had around 6-8 children there. I feel lucky as it was really beneficial to my only child to have other youngsters as 'family' and playmates who did things together that I rarely would or could. As well as a bit of TV, growing seeds, painting, playing in the park, cooking etc, the thing that DC remembers even now was going at the end of school with the childminder to pick up another child who had started in the reception class. But it was a mix of plenty of things with other children that made it fun, and even discipline of others in a group that brought in a different and pretty healthy dynamic.

If you make screen time a golden Apple then you are making it seem more important to DS than it needs to be.
It's going to be a new exciting treat rather than the norm. So it may become a battle in years to come

He won't not be having any screen time forever so I wouldn't make it such a big deal.
Apologise to your sister, their relationship is more important than your hatred towards screen time for babies.

Find programmes that you find educational and do your research.

Oh dear.
You are raising a child to need to be entertained by an adult at all times.

That is going to come back to bite you in the arse in a big way.

It's all about balance.

Pfb by any chance? Get a grip and stop being so uptight!

I think YABU to call it a ‘policy’ - I suppose you’ve put it in writing for all to read?

YANBU for not wanting your DC to spend hours in front of the tv. But it seems pretty bizarre then turn hours of looking after your DC into ‘supervised’ visits only for that. But by all means go for it. Will your sister care? I don’t think I would to be honest. Doesn’t sound like she enjoyed having her round anyway if all she did with her was plonk her in front of the TV. Your LO is still little and cute, I guess that’s why your family are making a fuss. Don’t overestimate how much you can use them as ransom or punishment when their older, I don’t think most aunts and uncles are that desperate to spend one to one quality time with their nieces and nephews to be honest. I love my nephew and enjoy seeing him but have no desire to look after him to be honest. If I did it would be as a favour to his parents.

I mean you're not wrong...

But look at all the comments excusing the disrespect, the lying, the crossing boundaries because they're so defensive of their own choices for their children. To the point where they're angry and attacking the OP.

I would say these comments are a lot more problematic.

How many hours does she have him for and how many hours does he watch TV?

If it's the majority of the time then this would annoy me. Screen time isn't great at this age, so whilst I can understand using it every now and then as a distraction, she should really be using other things to interact with and entertain her nephew for most of the time (playing games, doing creative things, reading, going to the park, etc).

But as other have said, if you want you childcare where your child is entertained all day then you need to be prepared to pay for nursery.

Literally you should be grateful anyone wants to watch a child that isnt theres, family or not. Im sure it's a bit of cbeebies and your child will still get into Cambridge.

Tell me you have no respect for honesty and boundaries without telling me that you have no respect for honesty and boundaries.

If OP wants to enforce boundaries like no TV then she needs to pay for childcare.

So many questions.

How do you know its 'hours' of TV?

Is it a regular childcare arrangement where your sister has DS, or just social visits to hers?

If Ds is going to hers for childcare, then sounds like she want to help you but is a bit out of her depth and doesn't know what else to do with him. if you're not paying her, then not a whole great deal you can do.

If its social visits, then I would agree its a bid odd to for her ask to spend time with DS without you then just plonk him in front of the TV.

PFB alert woop woop.

I’d be amazed if your one year old had the attention span to watch TV for HOURS! Also be aware that placing tight restrictions around something only makes it seem more desirable. I’ve always been quite relaxed about screen time because we are often busy with other activities and so it doesn’t bother me if we watch a lot of TV on a day when it’s rainy or we’re tired or whatever. A friend of ours is very strict about it (half an hour after dinner and no more). Whenever her kids are round at our house all they want to do is watch TV because they hardly ever get to do it at home. My kids get really fed up as they want to play!

I think you need to relax a bit. I’d only think about setting limits on screen time if it was becoming a problem and interfering with other more creative activities, time outside etc.

I suggest you pay for childcare instead of palming your child off on family. you then get to dictate terms but not when people are doing you a favour.

If you want to dictate exactly how your child is looked after, you need to pay for it.

Also you come across as a total arse assuming your friend has nothing going on in her life.

If I'd had family to plonk my DS in front of a screen for me for hours on end at that age I'd have been elated!

unless you pay her to childmind then YABU

Thats not honesty and boundaries….. 😂 unclench

^ this

You've got it!

I think there are a lot of over-defensive screen-user parents on this thread.

I am ambivalent about screen use. What I see though is there are two issues.

The screen use (that screen using parents are being so indignant and defensive over),
and the respect and boundaries issue.

I couldn't really care less about a 1 year old seeing some tv. However, what I see is the deliberate dishonesty and breaching boundaries that if this was over peanuts, lactose, walking outside without a leash on, etc etc would get a VERY different response (and yes I know screen time isn't potentially lethal like peanuts are, but it's the principle). What we are seeing her is screen-using parents getting defensive, and ignoring the fact that this is about dishonesty and a disrespect of the parents' request - even if you as a grandparent think she's over-reacting or don't agree with her.

It's about basic respect of a parents wishes. OP is NOT wrong for wanting that, at the most basic at least. If sister didn't think she could look after her nephew without tv or screen time, then why keep having him and getting upset she can't have him? Agree or disagree with the OP's rule - that's irrelevant. Whether you agree or not with the rule is totally irrelevant. What is relevant, is that the sister has a lack of respect for the parenting wishes and boundaries of her sister. THAT, is the issue.