For the way I described HIV to my daughter?

[maloofshoof]

I met with my daughters dad today (we had some childcare issues to sort out). My daughter is 9, and last night she asked me what HIV was. I asked her where she had heard about that but she wouldn't tell me, kept saying she was unsure but had heard about it.

I was on the spot, we were driving to an after school club and so I said something along the lines of that it was a virus that erupted in the 80s and that they thought it started from gay men having sex but it turned out that it was a virus that could be spread by blood etc and so women, needle users etc could get it too. I said that in the 80s if someone had it they would die but now there is medicine that allows people with it to live a relatively normal life (bearing in mind I am no expert and was put on the spot with this question). Perhaps I should have said I'll explain later and done a bit of research but I didn't.

When I told my ex today he was really 'appalled'. He said he can't believe I taught our daughter that HIV was spread between only gay men when that was only propaganda and how the media portrayed it. He said I really messed up an educational opportunity with homophobic undercurrents (not homophobic in the slightest, in fact I have been with women and two of my close friends are gay).

I was taken aback and tried to explain myself but he was really upset and left on quite unpleasant terms.

Did I totally fuck up?

I dont think you did/said anything wrong at all

?

She will be at risk from her having sex with men.

No one is denying gay experiences.

The OP handled this poorly, and if she wanted to explain it properly, which it seemed she did, she should have done things differently.

And the stats aren't mirrored in the U.K. fyi

What on earth was all that rubbish for?!?

All you had to say was that HIV is a disease which can be managed for sone people, although some people unfortunately die from it.

Absolutely no need to be telling a 9 year old all that spiel. While your EX is right, he's probably going a bit OTT in mocking your gaffe. It's ignore him/it, and not mention it again.

I don’t think you fucked up at all.

I think a lot of people are vastly underestimating a 9 year olds capacity to understand what they’re told.

mid she’s asking about it then she’s already heard something about it, who knows if that was correct or not.

there will be opportunities to discuss it further and clarify anything she’s not understood.

id be doing some more explanations of what sex is though! 9 is pretty late to not know - she’ll be hearing about it from other kids.

OP, I assume you are younger than me.

I lived through HIV in the '80s and lost some friends to the disease.

I think your explanation was spot on.

source?
www.tht.org.uk/news/heterosexual-hiv-diagnoses-overtake-those-gay-men-first-time-decade
even in 2020 half of all new cases are gay men, which is the lowest it’s ever been.
back in the 80s it was much much higher. I’ll look for the stats later.

I read this as @SausageinaBun saying that she didn't feel the need to go into the MSM rhetoric with her child as this does not directly affect her child as she is a female and therefore would never fall into the category of MSM. She explained to her child anyone who engages in sexual activity is at risk. Please correct me if I am wrong.

I think you’ve said a bit too much. I would just explain that it’s a virus, quite serious and affects immune system but there are medicines which help something around this. However depending on your child general curiosity I can imagine going into the history of the issue. I also remember being 18 and all this scare around HIV, I was pretty scared and would probably go into memory lane with DD as it’s such a sensitive subject, luckily she learned about it at school so the foundation was right from the start I just followed it.
I’m a bit surprised why your ex has been so emotional about it? Does he like to criticize you? Or is it something close to home for some reason? If so, I wonder what the reason is. It’s not a homophobic concern. The answer might be pretty innocent like she was watching TV with him very late and learned it from there but he didn’t want you to know that she stayed up too late. Or it might be that someone you know has it and she heard a phone conversation or whatever. I would be curious about this mostly, not about how you handled it as it’s fine. You’ll master the skill with age.

I'm quite shocked at how much detail you went into with a 9 year old especially involving gay sex. it shocks me nowadays how people are so open with such young kids my ds is the same age and would dream of speaking about sex yet he seems so yoing and innocent

By the end of year 5 my ds was asking me how men have sex with each other and how women have sex with each other, so hold onto your hat!

I think well done you. My mum always made sure we knew men or women could love each other, and other ' grown up ' stuff from year dot. And cos it was never a thing and she chatted honestly to us, it was never a thing. Much healthier. You've obviously got a cool child who is intelligent enough to ask and get a straight answer Well done.

Especially because they are exposed to a lot more now. So in my opinion if she can trust you to get a straight answer that's great. what great open communication!

Are these gay sex aware nine year olds the same kids that Mumsnet always claim still believe in Santa?

Agree. You did really well! I wish I had had a good truthful mother when I was a kid.

I think what you said was fine. Perhaps the references to the evolution of understanding around the disease was beyond the actual requirement, but not inaccurate so if your child is mature enough to process that (and she may be), no harm done.

@Nursingistoostressful2022 yes, that's what I meant. I've no idea what I would have said if I was explaining to a 7 year old boy.

That might have been the take-away message.

Depending on the family, hearing "gay" and "sex" in conversation unless sexuality is a reasonably ordinary topic (it is in my house) might actually freak out a 9yo.

so ywbu without more context

The HIV risk to women is nearly twenty times higher with anal sex. This is how most women catch HIV. The risk with oral/vaginal sex is certainly there, though tiny, but I am pointing out how men may try to cajole women into having unprotected anal sex as somehow a 'safe' alternative to vaginal sex which requires defences against unwanted pregnancy. This is thought to be the reason why AIDS spread so rapidly among heterosexual communities in Africa.

She left the girl thinking you can transmit HIV through kissing!

it's a virus and it stops your body fighting off other diseases. When it was first discovered, ages ago, it was very serious because no one knew how to treat it. But now, scientists have found medicines to stop it making people ill.
does that answer your question?

this for me. There are so many drugs now available daily like the pill to help stop transmission as well as the HIV treatments to lower the count

the biggest wake up call for me was the NHS mixing gallons and gallons of blood transfusions mixed with blood given to hemopilliacs .

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2870809/
three quarters of people diagnosed with aids in 2004 were gay men

wheel back 20 years before that and it will have been 90% +

So it is denying gay experience to deny the link between LGBT communities and this awful disease in the first few dreadful decades of its existence before it became a non terminal illness. Its genuinely like saying the holocaust didnt disproportionately affect jewish people. Just a misguided and offensive reading of the past.

right ill shut up now.

You’ll know for the future just to give a factual answer. Having said that my 11 year old asked about it and had heard about Freddie Mercury. It opened up a conversation that I think was positive w for her to know the shit that gay people and people with hiv had to go through.
i don’t think you have messed up just probably have her a bit too much info at that age!

It wasn't thought to be only passed on through gay sex though. I was a teenager at the time (mid 80s) and the public health message was very clear that it wasn't just passed on through gay sex and that anyone could get it (although gay men were at higher risk). It wasn't initially clear that men who only had sex with women were actually at very low risk unless they shared needles.

Why give the history that was wrong? It's like saying what are black people, "they were lesser humans brought over from Africa to serve the white". Why not say HIV is a sad disease that is now manageable?