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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to refuse to meet DSIS SC?

102 replies

steppingintosprings · 07/09/2022 15:01

My family are split down the middle with this issue and I wanted to get some outside perspective.

DSIS is mid 40s and has mental health issues which leads her to jump head first into relationships very quickly. Often not displaying good judgement along the way.

Since 28 she has always had partners who had existing children. She has none of her own.

In the last 14 years she has gone through 16 boyfriends, all with children, she is moved in within weeks of starting to date and assumes the role of step mother very quickly too.

We are a 'treat all children the same' family, we are also a close family so once she assumes this role these children then become part of our wider family, we celebrate their birthdays, family holidays, Christmases together. Our kids become 'cousins' and when they inevitably break up we are left having bonded with children we will never see again.

Within the last 3 months she has split from her ex and we waved goodbye to 2 wonderful boys and she is moving in next week with a new man and his 3 year old DD who he has 50/50.

I have put my foot down and told my sister I am refusing to meet this child until they are far more established as I and my kids can't keep going through this cycle, getting to know these children and then one day we get a test they've split up and we will never see or speak to them again. She has hit the roof, accused me of being stuck up, not supporting her new relationship and being nasty to a 3 year old she hasn't even met yet (but will be moving in with in a weeks time!)

I've tried to gently and not so gently point out the speed she moves is not good for these children, at all, and although I understand it takes 2 to tango she needs to bear some responsibility for saying no to moving in with men who have children in such short time frames. If they ask her to move in she can say no etc.

Half my family have joined me in refusing to meet this child for a long time, my parents are still a bit upset about the last 2 who they really started to love as GC, they took them away on little holidays etc. and are genuinely upset about losing them.

The other half think we will end up pushing DSIS away and she won't change her behaviour so what's the point.

So AIBU to refuse to meet this child? Was thinking about assessing in 6 months time.

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 07/09/2022 15:13

Your sister is reckless and irresponsible. Stand your ground.

The disappointment and distress you and you family members have suffered by having children you are fond of and have formed a bond with being banished from your lives forever pales into insignificance compared to what the children likely experience. It’s so cruel

StrikeandRobin · 07/09/2022 15:15

YANBU.

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 07/09/2022 15:15

Poor kids

NessLockwood · 07/09/2022 15:15

She sounds very grim indeed, and the men moving in a fake 'mother' figure so quickly shows them up for who they are also - someone incapable of parenting alone.

YANBU. Keep out of it and definitely keep your kids away from bonding with the new kids as they'll be gone in a few weeks.

HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 07/09/2022 15:15

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 07/09/2022 15:13

Your sister is reckless and irresponsible. Stand your ground.

The disappointment and distress you and you family members have suffered by having children you are fond of and have formed a bond with being banished from your lives forever pales into insignificance compared to what the children likely experience. It’s so cruel

This

Sunnyqueen · 07/09/2022 15:16

Yanbu could be wrong but sounds like bpd? Does she get treatment for her mental health?
Regardless none of this is fair on either your family or the children.

Beees · 07/09/2022 15:21

Absolutely not at all unreasonable. Those poor children!

I understand it must be incredibly tough for you and your family, especially your parents and children, to have these children disappear so abruptly from your lives but I cannot even begin to imagine how horrendous this is for the children involved.

I would find it difficult to have any relationship with her at all given how much damage she is doing to these children.

Original poster
steppingintosprings · 07/09/2022 15:23

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 07/09/2022 15:13

Your sister is reckless and irresponsible. Stand your ground.

The disappointment and distress you and you family members have suffered by having children you are fond of and have formed a bond with being banished from your lives forever pales into insignificance compared to what the children likely experience. It’s so cruel

This is exactly my point

She never chooses great men, most are shit fathers and to those children she is one of the only 'stable' adults in their lives (and considering how unstable she often is that's a worry in itself)

The last 2 were especially hard on us, they both had shit mothers whose custody they were removed from, lived with their father full time (who is a coke addict) and really bonded with DSIS, they are the most wonderful boys, really became part of the family and I'm still upset about the prospect of not seeing them again, let alone the shit they're now faced with back living alone with their sub par father until he moves someone else in to deal with them :(

OP posts:
Original poster
steppingintosprings · 07/09/2022 15:24

Sunnyqueen · 07/09/2022 15:16

Yanbu could be wrong but sounds like bpd? Does she get treatment for her mental health?
Regardless none of this is fair on either your family or the children.

She gets no treatment

Didn't like the medication she was put on and exhausted her limited therapeutic sessions through the NHS.

My parents paid privately for sessions after they ended but she kept not showing up so they pulled back that financial support

OP posts:
Original poster
steppingintosprings · 07/09/2022 15:26

Beees · 07/09/2022 15:21

Absolutely not at all unreasonable. Those poor children!

I understand it must be incredibly tough for you and your family, especially your parents and children, to have these children disappear so abruptly from your lives but I cannot even begin to imagine how horrendous this is for the children involved.

I would find it difficult to have any relationship with her at all given how much damage she is doing to these children.

On your last point it's been difficult to keep a relationship with her

The reason we have is although she is behaving so irresponsibly, for her, these children fill a void in her life, she genuinely loves them, as having kids of her own never came about. So she isn't going into this with malice at heart, but from a much sadder place which I have sympathy with

OP posts:
MyneighbourisTotoro · 07/09/2022 15:28

Your DSIS is reckless as are the men she is dating. All those poor kids with no stability in their life.
You are 100% correct to say she needs to take some responsibility and understand how damaging her actions are to those children.

PeekAtYou · 07/09/2022 15:28

Have you posted about this before?
With Christmas coming up, it will be hard to avoid her but yanbu to protect your kids from this.
I can't remember what you said last time but does she want kids?

aSofaNearYou · 07/09/2022 15:30

Personally I think this is part of the problem of being a "treat them all the same" family.

I think it would be better to meet the children, and kindly socialise with them, without viewing them as GC and cousins etc. This needn't be such an issue if they were just Auntie X's BF's kids.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/09/2022 15:31

Half my family have joined me in refusing to meet this child for a long time, my parents are still a bit upset about the last 2 who they really started to love as GC, they took them away on little holidays etc. and are genuinely upset about losing them.

The other half think we will end up pushing DSIS away and she won't change her behaviour so what's the point.

I think it's really important that people make their own decisions. Not seeing it as requiring a united front. If the child[ren] come to an event, treat them like friends' children. Like but not family.

Those poor boys though...

Sunnyqueen · 07/09/2022 15:32

steppingintosprings · 07/09/2022 15:24

She gets no treatment

Didn't like the medication she was put on and exhausted her limited therapeutic sessions through the NHS.

My parents paid privately for sessions after they ended but she kept not showing up so they pulled back that financial support

Show quote history

Oh for gods sake. She's as bad as her fellas and not cut out to be a parent if that's her menta

SnowqueenOfTexas · 07/09/2022 15:33

You’re absolutely doing the right thing. I was that child who constantly had new people living with us, I’d bond with them and one day they’d be gone. No matter how long they’d been in our lives for, I could wake up one day and suddenly not even be allowed to say hello if we saw them in the street.

As a result, I am very cautious about allowing too much contact with random partners of family members until it’s clearly a steady thing.

I’m especially cautious when it comes to younger family members. So often it’s the ones who don’t have their own children yet that immediately dive into the ‘aunty x’ role, wanting to take dc out and making a fuss of them - just for them to, naturally, disappear in a few months time.

Sally872 · 07/09/2022 15:33

I dont expect her actions will change and you may not be as close if you refuse. But the reason you are right not to meet this child for a while is for your own sake and more importantly your own children. It is sad for all of you when contact with children you care for ends.

MzHz · 07/09/2022 15:34

Have you actually told her what you’ve told us? About r
the 16 boyfriends in 14 years? About the mess that it causes in YOUR kids lives?

you’ve got nothing to lose than being straight with her.

Sunnyqueen · 07/09/2022 15:35

*mentality. Parents with mental illness don't get to choose to not engage with treatment, its just irresponsible. Doesn't like the meds?? Do me a favour. I have to take parkinsons meds just to deal with the side effects of mine and that's after trialling 15-20 different ones and combinations that's the best I could do. She is ridiculously selfish.

Original poster
steppingintosprings · 07/09/2022 15:35

PeekAtYou · 07/09/2022 15:28

Have you posted about this before?
With Christmas coming up, it will be hard to avoid her but yanbu to protect your kids from this.
I can't remember what you said last time but does she want kids?

I haven't posted before, but yes Christmas is definitely a big factor in making this call and trying to see if we are being unreasonable.

DSIS never goes anywhere by herself so not having the new child in our life will most likely mean we don't see her much at all, which is hard but I feel I need to make a stand for our sakes.

I'd love to hope it would improve things for these children too but know that's unlikely

OP posts:
Beees · 07/09/2022 15:35

The reason we have is although she is behaving so irresponsibly, for her, these children fill a void in her life, she genuinely loves them, as having kids of her own never came about. So she isn't going into this with malice at heart, but from a much sadder place which I have sympathy with.

I can see your point but I'd argue does she actually love them though? It sounds like she sees them as a play thing and when the relationship ends she finds another play thing. If she genuinely felt anything for those children she would slow the process down, put their best interests first and ensure that they had the chance to say goodbye properly should the relationship sadly end.

It doesn't sound like she's doing anything to prioritise them and simply finding a new child to play at being mummy to.

Original poster
steppingintosprings · 07/09/2022 15:36

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/09/2022 15:31

Half my family have joined me in refusing to meet this child for a long time, my parents are still a bit upset about the last 2 who they really started to love as GC, they took them away on little holidays etc. and are genuinely upset about losing them.

The other half think we will end up pushing DSIS away and she won't change her behaviour so what's the point.

I think it's really important that people make their own decisions. Not seeing it as requiring a united front. If the child[ren] come to an event, treat them like friends' children. Like but not family.

Those poor boys though...

Not after everyone to follow our lead, but it's hard to hear from other family members we are being unreasonable and will make things harder for everyone not easier.

Christmas is going to be a rough one but I am planning to stay strong

OP posts:
Original poster
steppingintosprings · 07/09/2022 15:39

@Sunnyqueen

Definitely agree

They are never great catches and see her as the perfect person to palm their kids off on when they have contact

And she sees them as a way to fulfil her desire to be a parent

It's sad as she has always wanted children but is now definitely getting to the 'too old' camp and I'm half glad as none of the potential fathers would be ideal either based on her dating history

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 07/09/2022 15:40

There's a third way.

Accept the children, but don't seek out deeper relationships or contact.

So be nice when they come, buy for them when they are there, but don't do extra visits or holidays.

Thing is, they may well benefit from seeing healthy families. They may well enjoy being around people who are stable. Better for them to see it, than not to know it at all.

Original poster
steppingintosprings · 07/09/2022 15:41

MzHz · 07/09/2022 15:34

Have you actually told her what you’ve told us? About r
the 16 boyfriends in 14 years? About the mess that it causes in YOUR kids lives?

you’ve got nothing to lose than being straight with her.

Oh yes, it's part of the reason she isn't speaking to me atm and that I'm a stuck up cow who lucked out and not everyone finds it easy to 'meet Prince Charming at 20 and have a fabulous life'

I'm also a witch who wants to take my own issues out on a 3 year old!

OP posts: