AIBU to refuse to meet DSIS SC?

[steppingintosprings]

My family are split down the middle with this issue and I wanted to get some outside perspective.

DSIS is mid 40s and has mental health issues which leads her to jump head first into relationships very quickly. Often not displaying good judgement along the way.

Since 28 she has always had partners who had existing children. She has none of her own.

In the last 14 years she has gone through 16 boyfriends, all with children, she is moved in within weeks of starting to date and assumes the role of step mother very quickly too.

We are a 'treat all children the same' family, we are also a close family so once she assumes this role these children then become part of our wider family, we celebrate their birthdays, family holidays, Christmases together. Our kids become 'cousins' and when they inevitably break up we are left having bonded with children we will never see again.

Within the last 3 months she has split from her ex and we waved goodbye to 2 wonderful boys and she is moving in next week with a new man and his 3 year old DD who he has 50/50.

I have put my foot down and told my sister I am refusing to meet this child until they are far more established as I and my kids can't keep going through this cycle, getting to know these children and then one day we get a test they've split up and we will never see or speak to them again. She has hit the roof, accused me of being stuck up, not supporting her new relationship and being nasty to a 3 year old she hasn't even met yet (but will be moving in with in a weeks time!)

I've tried to gently and not so gently point out the speed she moves is not good for these children, at all, and although I understand it takes 2 to tango she needs to bear some responsibility for saying no to moving in with men who have children in such short time frames. If they ask her to move in she can say no etc.

Half my family have joined me in refusing to meet this child for a long time, my parents are still a bit upset about the last 2 who they really started to love as GC, they took them away on little holidays etc. and are genuinely upset about losing them.

The other half think we will end up pushing DSIS away and she won't change her behaviour so what's the point.

So AIBU to refuse to meet this child? Was thinking about assessing in 6 months time.

I think you have been incredibly patient, I would have put my foot down after the third set of 'sc' where taken away. It is so cruel to let all the children and adults bond like this, time and time again, and I can only imagine how the step children feel when the family they were welcomed into suddenly no longer exists. While you can't change her behaviour, you can protect yourself and your DC from the pain it causes. The children she is a five minute mother to, can't, and that is very sad.

Oh she definitely loves them, she still has contact with 2 through their mothers as well and keeps that contact where she can.

Obviously as a family this doesn't happen though and is where I've made my stand on it.

She has made so many big steps this year in improving herself so I was hoping this area could be the next one worked on, but unfortunately not.

(She has stopped smoking weed, smoking in general, joined an alcohol program, landed a great job, paid off the last of her debts, got her own house which she is planning to rent out since she is moving in with the new boyfriend)

(She has stopped smoking weed, smoking in general, joined an alcohol program, landed a great job, paid off the last of her debts, got her own house which she is planning to rent out since she is moving in with the new boyfriend)

These are massive steps. Massive. Maybe it seems like you are expecting too much too fast and she sees you as discounting her achievements because you're the Golden Child.

I'm not saying any of that is true, but it could seem true from where she's standing.

Oh yes they're massive steps which we are all so proud of, and make it very known as well.

I am hoping long term not being dependent on drugs and alcohol might help make better choices even without the medical help offered for her MH issues, but this new BF came along too quickly for that to have happened yet. If it ever does

YABU. Absolutely U. Whatever bad choices and poor decisions your sister makes, how does it affect you or impose on you in any way to simply meet her current SCs?

my parents are still a bit upset about the last 2 who they really started to love as GC, they took them away on little holidays etc. and are genuinely upset about losing them.

How long was dsis with her ex? It seems crazy for you all to love these kids that you've only known a few months.

How wildly frustrating for you. On many levels.

Might you be looking at this a bit black or white though? There is a big middle ground between “treat all as equal” and refuse to see them. For you and your kids at least.

Are your children old enough to understand that the new 3 year old girl around is not their “cousin” but “just”the child of their aunt’s new boyfriend? And that he isn’t Uncle Bob but Auntie Ann’s boyfriend, Bob. So Bob and his daughter Carol will be around for now but, like the children of the previous boyfriends, may move on. So keep it casual, like making friends with neighbours renting next door who might move on at some point without much notice.

They were together for over a year

My parents live on the same street so are often hassled to baby sit and they see them every weekend for lunch/days out. So they get a lot of contact

Our eldest is able to understand, younger two are 3 and 4 so definitely don't get it as much, which is upsetting for them

Did you not bother reading the post?

If impacts on me and my children quite a lot tbh

The OP has explained exactly why it affects the rest of the family, as well as the children in question. The DSIS essentially puts them in a position where they bond with the children as family - because the OP's family are clearly nice people and don't want the DSIS's SCs to feel left out or on the edge - and then they suddenly disappear from their lives.

When my brother split from his wife, my ex-SIL initially tried to stop my parents seeing his stepchildren, and my parents were genuinely devastated - and so were the kids. It was resolved, thank god, but we would all have been distraught to have those kids taken out of our lives all of a sudden.

Thing is, I'm coming from the perspective of a foster carer. We take kids, treat them as if they are ours, then let them go.

When you go into it knowing it's likely to be temporary, it hurts less when it inevitably ends.

Could you not just regard these children as children you know and your children sometimes play with, rather than cousins: like neighbourhood children who sometimes move away, or classmates who the children lose touch with when they go to different schools etc.

Walk away. If you anything other than this, your kids get hurt, and it’ll also fool her into thinking this is ok

she may not have been “lucky” to meet a Prince Charming, but at some point it does need to dawn on her that she needs to take responsibility for her decisions, perhaps even consider that we all make our own luck to an extent by having boundaries, standards and understanding of other people’s lives and how we affect them.

It’s not stuck up at all. You have a job to do, look after your own family first.

Yanbu, she sounds very disturbed and possibly mentally unwell. 16 relationships within 14 years, she is very unstable. Your family sound amazing for accepting children so openly but enough is enough. Let her sulk, in 2 years time if she's still with him then apologize but for now just assume you will be saving your DC the upset of waving goodbye to yet another 'cousin'.

I read it and it doesn't actually affect you all that much.

You wrote:

Our kids become 'cousins' and when they inevitably break up we are left having bonded with children we will never see again...I and my kids can't keep going through this cycle, getting to know these children and then one day we get a test they've split up and we will never see or speak to them again.

Would you not make friends with other families you meet say in a holiday park or hotel over a week or two? So you met and 'bonded' with some kids, and now they're not part of your life anymore, so bloody what?

Exactly this. One would think the OP has to do some blood ritual for any new cousins, and it's too much to do for temporary cousins.

This is so sad OP :( for you, your family and the poor children involved :(

I would feel the same as you, 6 months seems a reasonable starting point.

The fathers are shit, and your sister is shit.
Perhaps she’s giving her all to the children and her MH isn’t her fault, and the fathers are useless and taking deliberate advantage. Or perhaps the chaos is their MH, and your sister just doesn’t care for the actual children caught up in her wanting to play mum. Who knows.

But I think you and your parents need to examine your own choices. 14 years and 12 boyfriends, mostly living with their children? It’s you and your parents who need to be more sensible about “all kids are part of the family”.

Stop doing that. Sure, she can bring her “step kids” to family events. But say no to babysitting, and just send a card for birthdays. Either treat them like foster children within the wider family knowing they’ll go soon - or don’t get involved.

Yanbu. For the sake of these children you should stay away. Both of my parents had various partners who i was introduced to very quickly as a small child. I formed strong bonds with some of them and it was awful when they were suddenly gone. It would've been even worse if there had been a lovely new family who I also had to suddenly lose.

@SlickShady

Most kids you meet on holiday you don't see 3-4 times a week for a year at a time

So it's really not the same at all

We aren't as cold as some on here are able to be, and keep them at arms length, we are a child focused family and could never not treat them the same as every other child in the family.

“We aren't as cold as some on here are able to be, and keep them at arms length, we are a child focused family and could never not treat them the same as every other child in the family.”

That’s not cold though, it’s normal. You’re all jumping in too fast, and that’s not fair on the children. Your parents are guilty of it too. It sounds a little bit self congratulatory tbh, how wonderful you all are to treat them the same… when you really don’t have to, and it’s not “cold” not to.

I was that child of chaos and I loved the time I spent in normal and stable homes. I didn’t want people to be overly loving because I knew from an early age that we would be moving on soon enough. But I remember the families that were kind to us children.
As PP have said, just be kind and inclusive, without the whole new cousins thing. That is confusing. Your youngest two will have fleeting friends at nursery and playgroups, its no different to that.

It is cold not to

My DF is a step parent and treats me and DSIS the same as his biological children (if not at time better!)

I don't know any blended families where they don't treat kids the same

I've always found it incredibly cold on here how so many don't do this and it definitely doesn't match up to my lived experiences

We aren't going to actively treat children differently to other children they spend a lot of time with, and therefore will see the difference.

The other half think we will end up pushing DSIS away and she won't change her behaviour so what's the point.

You can't change her behaviour. But you can change its impact on you. By not getting involved with the new children in her life until her relationship is stable.