AIBU to refuse to meet DSIS SC?

[steppingintosprings]

My family are split down the middle with this issue and I wanted to get some outside perspective.

DSIS is mid 40s and has mental health issues which leads her to jump head first into relationships very quickly. Often not displaying good judgement along the way.

Since 28 she has always had partners who had existing children. She has none of her own.

In the last 14 years she has gone through 16 boyfriends, all with children, she is moved in within weeks of starting to date and assumes the role of step mother very quickly too.

We are a 'treat all children the same' family, we are also a close family so once she assumes this role these children then become part of our wider family, we celebrate their birthdays, family holidays, Christmases together. Our kids become 'cousins' and when they inevitably break up we are left having bonded with children we will never see again.

Within the last 3 months she has split from her ex and we waved goodbye to 2 wonderful boys and she is moving in next week with a new man and his 3 year old DD who he has 50/50.

I have put my foot down and told my sister I am refusing to meet this child until they are far more established as I and my kids can't keep going through this cycle, getting to know these children and then one day we get a test they've split up and we will never see or speak to them again. She has hit the roof, accused me of being stuck up, not supporting her new relationship and being nasty to a 3 year old she hasn't even met yet (but will be moving in with in a weeks time!)

I've tried to gently and not so gently point out the speed she moves is not good for these children, at all, and although I understand it takes 2 to tango she needs to bear some responsibility for saying no to moving in with men who have children in such short time frames. If they ask her to move in she can say no etc.

Half my family have joined me in refusing to meet this child for a long time, my parents are still a bit upset about the last 2 who they really started to love as GC, they took them away on little holidays etc. and are genuinely upset about losing them.

The other half think we will end up pushing DSIS away and she won't change her behaviour so what's the point.

So AIBU to refuse to meet this child? Was thinking about assessing in 6 months time.

I don’t think people mean hand out cakes and miss out the ‘temporary cousins.’ They just mean don’t take the children on holidays/invite them everywhere/babysit them constantly/call them your nephews and nieces/buy expensive birthday and Christmas gifts. Treat them like a friend round on a play date. Friendly and nice but not like family - it’s not cold, it’s just the same as how you wouldn’t grab a random kid at the park that your kid plays with and kiss them, but you would kiss your own child. Appropriate behaviour is changeable for different relationships.

And of course a stepfather treating his stepdaughters as his children is really not the same as feeling you need to treat your sister’s boyfriend’s children (who aren’t actually her sc) like you treat your own children. That’s madness!

“I don't know any blended families where they don't treat kids the same”

So your parents take your toddlers away on holidays and babysit them multiple times a week for you then? Really?

Neither me nor my family are cold, but the reality of life is that people move away, even people you were close with. Maybe it's a friend at school whose here for a year or so, maybe a neighbour who's planning on moving. You don't need to keep back from becoming friends, even close friends, with people, just because at some point you'll probably lose touch.

Not to mention that with the internet and sm it's quite easy to stay in each other's lives.

If she genuinely felt anything for those children she would slow the process down, put their best interests first and ensure that they had the chance to say goodbye properly should the relationship sadly end.

i agree with this

First response nails it.

She is putting the 'wants' of herself and men ahead of the needs and emotional well being of children. How very sad and selfish of her and the men she's getting involved with. She sounds really messed up and needy

I was completely thinking you were being mean from the title. You are absolutely correct. Your sister is a mess and people are being hurt as well as children. I agree 100% with you. You are doing the right thing

Well you are seeing a situation here where it would be better for all if you didn't go all in telling the kids they are cousins now etc, so if you just want to be judgmental towards people on here not always doing things exactly like your SF, then fine, but you are burying your head in the sand and ignoring the benefits. Your children and the step children could have nice times playing together and making friends, without needing to be confused about why their "cousins" have disappeared.

Nobody is talking about treating them poorly. Just viewing them as friends, rather than instant, close family.

3-4 time a WEEK? Really?

sounds like a good time to readjust that.

Hi @steppingintosprings have you or your parents tried to maintain contact with the two lovely boys from your Dsis's last relationship? Maybe their father would still appreciate your parents looking after them sometimes, and if they truly love them as Grandchildren he might be very happy for your DParents to take them on other mini holidays, after all he must trust them!

At the very least your DPs should carry on sending Birthday and Christmas cards and presents to them, and let them know that as soon as they are old enough that you all want to be part of their lives (if their Dad doesn't agree at the moment).

Yes, as said many times, we are a close family.

We'll have mid week dinners, see each other at least once over the weekend too (if not both days, especially in the summer)

Then there are family holidays, Christmas get always etc.

You seem to be under the illusion I tell my kids these other children are their cousins...

Yes

We all live within a 10 minute radius of each other

Why wouldn't they take my kids away?

You seem to be under the illusion I tell my kids these other children are their cousins...

Because you said in your opening post that they become cousins, then doubled down on the idea that anything less than what you've said in your OP is cold?

I think I'd still see them but treat them as aunties new boyfriends kids. You can all still enjoy each other's company and be kind and welcoming. You parents can do the same. It is odd that you have all raced to treat the children as though they proper family . YES I know step kids can be 100% proper family but surely after the first few relationships you must have realized that this situation was some sort of conveyor belt. I suggest that you tell your parents not to be so forthcoming with babysitting and holidays.

I am with you OP that children should be treated equally in established relationships.

HOWEVER

Most haven't been properly established relationships going by the amount of partners in the time-frame.

I understand your sister is being reckless by rushing in too quickly, but aren't you all doing exactly the same? Now you don't want to be a part of it and I fully agree with your reasons. Once you bond with children it is so upsetting for them then to be ripped out your life (particularly given their home lives). But it's taken you 14 years to get to this point. Given all the progress she has made, hopefully that comes next.

In the meantime, I agree with PP to be able to be around them but don;t assume the family position immediately like she does. Children are aware who is and isn't their family and it seems every single one of you has been doing the same thing yet she is the only one getting the 'blame'.

I'd go with a less intense relationship with any children she may be involved with.

It doesn't have to be all in or all out.

Becoming a cousin isn't the same as telling my children they're cousins

They understand the concept that the children of their aunts/uncles are their cousins

Since DSIS calls these children her children, treats them as such and my parents look after them at the same time as their other cousins that's how they treat and consider them

How bonded can you become to a strangers child you see occasionally for less than 8 months?

Teachers at school have a deeper bond than that.

She is also surely not in any real motherly role, 'mam' is a title earned and it takes far longer than 8 months to earn it plus im assuming all these children weren't actually motherless.

Is your sister actually calling them her children? Don’t you say anything? For example ‘why are you calling x your daughter, you met her last week and you’ve done this 10 times. When you break up with her dad will you still be her mum? If not then don’t call her your daughter. It’s not fair for her to hear you saying she’s your child then get dumped along with her dad.’

She’s your sister. Surely you can bring this up with her.

Who says I treat them the same as my children?

They're still treated like family though

So I will treat them the same as my brothers children, my parents treat them the same as all their other GC.

@Kanaloa

Yup, another one of the many fucked up things she does in a relationship

And we do talk to her about this, repeatedly, she brushes it off the same way as all our other concerns unfortunately

You did - you compared it to your stepfather treating you as a daughter and said you treat ‘all children the same.’ I simply
said don’t treat them all the same. Treat them like visiting friends. Don’t call them your sister’s ‘sc,’ don’t treat them as cousins of your dc. Treat them as what they are - new friends.

I mean if she’s literally calling herself Mum to a child she’s known for weeks then I’d probably tell her straight, not that I was ‘concerned’ but that I thought she was selfish and cruel. And I’d tell my kids that it wasn’t correct and she wasn’t x’s mum, she was their dad’s girlfriend.

Some are less than 8 months, others are more than a year

We spend a lot of time together as a family so I don't see it as weird to form a bond with children you see 3-4 times a week. Spend weeks on end with every summer for holidays, most Christmases etc.

Do you not bond with your own nephews and nieces until they're 1? Since it's impossible to bond with a child in 8 months to a year...

YANBU. The sister sounds like a car crash. Obviously no grounds to cut off all ties, but plenty of reasons to keep her at arm's length.