AIBU?
Am I unreasonable for how I am handling my daughter being accused of stealing?
magsel · 06/09/2022 19:09
I share a daughter with my ex wife. She lives with her mum about half the time. My ex also has a stepdaughter through her husband. The stepdaughter and my daughter do not get along.
Around a month ago the stepdaughter lost her Nintendo switch. She has blamed my daughter for stealing it to get back at her for calling her names. My ex has since searched all over her house and through our daughters things for to switch and has been unable to find it. She is now convinced that our daughter has hidden the switch in her bedroom at my house.
I am unconvinced because my daughter is a really bad liar. She has a lot of tells and breaks down very easily when caught lying. When I asked her about the switch she was very insistant that she does not know what happened to it. I did not see or hear any indication she was lying. So unless my 11 old daughter magically became the best actress in the world within the past couple days I sincerely doubt she stole the switch.
Still my ex is insisting that I let her search through our daughters room at my house or search the room myself. I however find that to be a massive invasion of privacy. I tend to think about it from the point of view of when I was a kid. I would have felt violating to have my things searched through. It’s not even like I hid anything suspicious or wrong I just wouldn’t have wanted my stuff rifled through. Based upon how upset my daughter was after her mom did it at her house I imagine she feels the same. I am of the personal opinion that it is only okay to go through my child’s things if I have reason to believe they could be doing something dangerous or if I have proof beyond shadow of a doubt that they did something wrong. Her stepsister simply saying she stole the switch is not enough proof in my opinion.
Things escalated from there and my ex then gave our daughters switch to her stepsister until hers showed back up. A few days later when I went to pick my daughter up she grabbed the switch and quickly got in my car (I didn’t know about this as she had it in her backpack). When I got home my ex called because they found out my daughter had taken her switch. My ex was irate and demanded I bring it back. After thinking about it I refused to because again she had nothing other than her stepdaughter word as “proof”. Therefore I found her punishment unwarranted. Since I was the one who paid for our daughters switch I saw no reason for my ex to demand it be given to her stepdaughter.
After that my ex started taking away our daughters allowance. We normally take turns giving her her allowance every other week. My ex decided that she would be taking away our daughter allowance on her weeks and giving it to her stepdaughter until she had enough to buy a new one. So in return I decided to give my daughter her double her allowance on my weeks.
My ex now says I am undermining her parenting by making decisions without her, but she is also making decisions without me and I think her punishment is unjust. Especially when her stepdaughter did not receive any punishment for teasing our daughter. Obviously things have gotten out of hand, but I’m not sure what else to do because my ex is absolutely convinced our daughter took the switch and is refusing to budge or talk about it. It’s quite odd because normally we coparent very well and rarely have any issue.
Somethingneedstochange · 07/09/2022 00:17
To be fair on your ex she won't want to pick her own daughters side over her stepdaughter. It's tough enough being a step parent I've been there myself. But the step daughter could also have lost or broken hers and not said. But I don't think she would be so keen to get her own switch back if she has SS to use.
SmackAttack · 07/09/2022 00:17
CJsGoldfish · 06/09/2022 23:26
You missed the point. If the Dd already had SD's one at Dad's she doesn't need her own one there
If she took it, and I am NOT saying she did, there is no way she could risk playing it so she absolutely would need to take her own to play. IF she took it, it wasn't to play, she has her own for that. It would be simply out of spite.
They could be totally different switches or personalised too.
The switch and switch lite for example look totally different and they come in totally different colours, the home screens will have totally different games and profiles on them too. So if OPs daughter had taken her step siblings switch, it's likely easy to tell them apart so she can hardly just whip one out to play one.
NumberTheory · 07/09/2022 00:20
I think your DD has a much bigger problem - which is that her mother has moved people into her home and forced her to share a room with someone she doesn’t like. Putting the switch issue aside for a moment, this is a pretty glaring red flag. Does your DD want to live with her mother and step-family half the time?
yellowtwo · 07/09/2022 00:21
Unless your ex knows 100% that your DD took the switch, she shouldn't be punishing her so much, it's not fair. If I were you, I would search her room at home just to be sure anyway.
Not the point of the post but it's not a good idea that the girls have to share a room.
Well done for sticking up for your daughter.
godmum56 · 07/09/2022 00:25
I think if you are going to search her room, then you should tell her you are going to do it and she should be there....because you are gonna tell your ex and I wouldn't put it past them to say "there see no one trusts you to tell the truth" but I am not sure it will end the issue. If your ex believes she stole it then the "its hidden in the bedroom" will become "oh she knew we would look here and she's hidden it elsewhere"
MarillaCuthbertIsSurprised · 07/09/2022 00:25
To be fair on your ex she won't want to pick her own daughters side over her stepdaughter. It's tough enough being a step parent I've been there myself
well no one is forcing her. She could be a lot more balanced about it. At least until the truth comes to light.
Anyway I agree with the poster upthread. Imagine subjecting your child to this shitshow.
Bubblesandsqueak1 · 07/09/2022 00:29
I had the same situation with my step siblings they claimed i stole a necklace i was punished for months and it turned up at her friend's house 4 months later keep taking your child side and I would consider asking her if she would prefer to live with you full time over her other toxic house
magsel · 07/09/2022 00:38
@NumberTheory I don't think she enjoys living with them. It's a fairly new arrangement. My ex and her husband got married last Spring. I kind of thought it was just an issue of it being a big change for a kid and needing time to adjust, but maybe it's more than that. Maybe I'll look into family counseling and see if my ex would be willing to try that.
AmeliaLila · 07/09/2022 00:42
Slightly off topic but poor kid having to live with a girl she hates and share a room with her just so her mother can live with her man. Blended families come from such a selfish place where the parents right to a relationship comes before their child’s happiness. Imagine a having a man and his daughter forced upon her in her own home ? A place where she should be safe and happy? Not even her own room to go to either. Feel so sorry for her.
yellowtwo · 07/09/2022 00:47
AmeliaLila
It's really not fair, and she must feel her room is now SDs room, because she's there half the time. And now she's being punished by her DM for something SD accused her of when there is no proof. I wouldn't be surprised if she thinks she's being pushed out of the family.
Etak123 · 07/09/2022 01:07
Antarcticant · 06/09/2022 19:43
Because her mum had effectively confiscated it and wouldn't have let her take it out of the house.
I'd be making sure all her valuables are kept at your house for the present, OP.
Angelinflipflops · 06/09/2022 19:40
Why would she have so 'stealthily' taken her own switch back if she had the other one?
No , I think you might have misread the comment because it says why would she if she had her own one? which is a good point. I would expect most teenagers wouldn’t have taken their own confiscated one if they had (stolen) one to use? I mean why would anyone steal something like that when they had one of their own? Unless just for spite but the OP says how his DD is not very good at lying and he knows all her ‘tells’. I bet lots of us know a child who we can ‘see straight through’ any lies they may be so foolish to attempt lol x
Onlytheriver · 07/09/2022 01:07
I'm 100% with you OP. I think the girls sharing a room at their age is not good. They're puberty age more or less and privacy is important. If I was your little girl, whether I had snatched the switch or not, I'd feel utterly betrayed that her Mum chose her step-daughter's word over her own daughter's word.
Is there another room at her mother's house so that the two girls have separate bedrooms? There will be battles for affection going on. In your ex's house, the step-daughter has her Dad and stepmum whereas it seems like your dd only has herself (that's how she'll see it). Stepdads can take over a little girl's space.
I'd stand my ground.
I'm sure the other girl is also a victim of that set-up. But you're your daughter's Dad. If her own mother won't stick up for her, who will?
What's this step-dad like? What's your ex like in general?
jazzybelle · 07/09/2022 01:12
magsel · 06/09/2022 23:51
@jazzybelle it's all based on the other girls accusation. I asked my ex for any actual proof and she just says she believes her stepdaughter.
That seems unfair. Why not do as others have said and search your daughter's room AND the other girl's room?
EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 07/09/2022 01:12
Onlytheriver · 07/09/2022 01:09
And no. I would not under any circumstances search her room. She's an 11 year old girl with lots of private things in little world.
Really 🤣 he's not going through her diary ffs
Most people still go in and clean their 11 year olds rooms if mn is anything to go by. I know I do my 11 year olds
No way would I have my ex acuse my child of stealing something and keeping it at my house. Actually I'm pretty sure my 11 year old would happily go through the room with me to prove it wasn't there
Onlytheriver · 07/09/2022 01:13
EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 07/09/2022 01:12
Really 🤣 he's not going through her diary ffs
Most people still go in and clean their 11 year olds rooms if mn is anything to go by. I know I do my 11 year olds
No way would I have my ex acuse my child of stealing something and keeping it at my house. Actually I'm pretty sure my 11 year old would happily go through the room with me to prove it wasn't there
Onlytheriver · 07/09/2022 01:09
And no. I would not under any circumstances search her room. She's an 11 year old girl with lots of private things in little world.
Are you a man?
Coyoacan · 07/09/2022 01:18
You and her mother really need to find a way of being on the same page or you'll do irreparable harm to your dd.
One of my closest friends got into a dynamic where she was super strict while her son's father was Mr. NIce Guy and their son ended up going totally off the rails with drugs. The lack of cooperation between the parents was cited by therapists as a major contributing factor in their son's problems.
Your ex is being too negative and strict while you are being much too positive and gullible.
EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 07/09/2022 01:19
Onlytheriver · 07/09/2022 01:13
Are you a man?
EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 07/09/2022 01:12
Really 🤣 he's not going through her diary ffs
Most people still go in and clean their 11 year olds rooms if mn is anything to go by. I know I do my 11 year olds
No way would I have my ex acuse my child of stealing something and keeping it at my house. Actually I'm pretty sure my 11 year old would happily go through the room with me to prove it wasn't there
Onlytheriver · 07/09/2022 01:09
And no. I would not under any circumstances search her room. She's an 11 year old girl with lots of private things in little world.
No I'm not a man. Are you?
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