Am I unreasonable for how I am handling my daughter being accused of stealing?

When a child is lying to you need to change tack rather than doubling down on punishments.

I’m sure if your ex sat both girls down and said there will be no repercussions, I just want to know the truth. And calmly asked both of them to be honest if something happened to the switch (I.e accidentally broken, lost, given to a friend who is refusing to return it etc), she might have a better chance of getting to the bottom of it.

All the punishments are very OTT when there is no actual proof your daughter did anything. Must feel horrible for your daughter that her mum believes her step daughter over her own daughter without any tangible proof of wrongdoing.

It sounds ike her relationship with her mother is really going to suffer due to the decisions she's been making. Obviously you should do what you can to support her having a good relationship with her mother but she needs to have a parent she can trust. Agree with PP it could be worth seeing if she is open to you searching through her room with her.

Your daughter being 11, I think asking for permission to search her room or saying "let's go check together just to make sure it's not been misplaced" Is a good idea, with the age she is she is just about to start puberty during those teenage years showing your daughter respect and treating her as a young adult helps with that transition and creates less friction with you. This is particularly important if there is friction at mums house and changes which there sounds to be.

You sound like a really good dad, maybe you could also give your daughter an amnesty and say I get that sometimes when we're angry we might do something we later regret, if you do have it we need to give it her back and you won't be in trouble for it. (You have to stick to this though and so does your ex).

Why? She's a child, as a parent you are there to protect her and that may involve looking through her things. I'm very much all for children's independence but you've made things a lot worse by not searching in the first place. As you say, it's likely it isn't there so don't turn it into a drama. Your dd has had plenty of time to dispose of it by now so I doubt it's still in her room which means you'll probably never get to know what happened to it, and who was in the wrong.
ALL kids lie.

I would say to her, "look, this has gotten out of control now and I don't want it escalating any more. If you took it, and I get why you would want to get back at StepSis, you need to tell me now, and right now, so I can help you fix this before this situation gets any worse. I will help you. I love you and we will sort it and stop this now". This gives her a way out.

If my DC said they haven't done something after I said this, I would 100% believe them, because I always bring things out into the open and give them the opportunity to stop it there and then with my help and support.

If your DD hasn't done this, then you have a bigger problem. When I read this thread I glossed over the incident. What stood out to me was the way your exW was taking her StepDd's side over your DD, when the SD and yours are not getting along and there is name calling on the SD's side. There is only one reason why your Ex would do that, and that is to appease her new DH.

No man, or woman is worth upsetting your own child over. This is very poor parenting and this will be affecting your DD in the long term. She will be going back to a house where her own mum, stepdad and stepsis will be against her and the stepsis will think she has all the power and no doubt wield it.

TBH, I'd be asking your DD if she wants to stay with you for a while and let your exW see what life is like when you don't put your own child first. At the very least your exW should have handled this a lot better and tried to think around why this animosity is occurring and try to deal with it, rather than use threats and punishments on her own child.

I think asking your daughter whether you can go through her room with her, there and then, will tell you what you need to know. If she happily complies, but moans about it- fair enough. If she looks panicked, goes quiet, or is unnaturally chipper, she’s thinking about how she can divert you while she hides it again.

Btw, I don’t blame her if she did nick it- she’s been forced to share her room with someone who doesn’t like her, and is vocal about it. That must be a very lonely place to be.

She may have just wanted to take back a little bit of control. All behaviour is communication- if it turns out she has hidden it, her mum needs to listen more carefully.

And you need to try to parent together, because this will not be doing her any favours.

Your wife (your daughter's stepmother) should not be parenting her at all. She is your daughter. You need to discuss any issues with your wife, get on the same page, and then be the one to deal with parenting.

Your wife seems to be bullying your daughter--escalating and escalating.

You're absolutely right that you can't impose punishment when there's no reason to think your daughter has done anything wrong. I also notice that the original problem was your stepdaughter calling your daughter names. No mention of consequences for that.

I'd like to know more about the names your DD was called by the SD, and what was done by her DM and the SDad to deal with that?

Is your DD being bullied/victimised in her home?

@Antst cross post! Great minds think alike 😁

But it's not the OPs wife, it's his ex-wife - her mother.

My exH is an arse too. When he was adamant that something had been left at mine (DD swore it hadn't been) and he wanted to search, DD and I searched her room together. Would that be a possibility OP?

Secret search is stupid idea.
The girl would probably notice it and if it isn't there, it won't solve anything - if someone just decided she did it, they can continue with searching her school place, father's socks drawer, ... why would her room be the end of it?

If the mother has some good hint, yes. Otherwise this girl shouldn't be searched more than the other one.

You’re a good sort OP. Trust your instincts about your child

The OP doesn't have a wife or a step daughter.

Why won't you search your daughters room, with or without her? Are you worried about how stupid you will look if you find it?

My sister and I used to take each other's things and hide them in revenge over things all the time, and we were very good liars when asked about the missing items. We didn't grow up into criminals or bad people by the way. It was a childish activity we eventually outgrew.

This is OTT. She’s only 11, and you said yourself she lies about other silly things. If you do a quick search to confirm it’s not there you’ll feel much more assured when standing up for her.

I had privacy as a kid, I wouldn't look through her things.
I'm totally with you, her mum is being awful, pitting the girls against each other with punishments.
Don't be surprised if she wants to live with you full time in a year or so if that's what she has to put up with at her mum's.

I think your ex is out of order but what if your daughter did take it? She is a child and you can search her room while she is gone.
What if the daughter is a good kid and not lying either. You are only going on your daughters word of what your step daughter is like! I would not be inclined to believe everything my 11 year old daughter told me.
Yea she is probably not lying but sit her down and explain that in order to prove them wrong you are going to search her room! If your daughter is innocent she will have no issue with this!

I agree.

Poor child.

The having to share a bedroom with someone foisted on you must be horrific for her.

Completely unreasonable IMO.

How many adults would not find that a violation of their space.

She has nowhere in the house to have some private space.

Just awful.

YANBU it must be so hard for your daughter. I had a slightly similar thing happen at about the same age. You've moved in with a new person, and they bully you relentlessly, which is just so horrible. Being bullied in your own home. But your mum takes their side. Blames you. Punishes you. Your own bloody mum turns against you. It's souk destroying.

Don't search her things, just back her up.

Even if she has stollen it, I'd have thrown it the bin if I was her 🤣

Good for you! Whilst I would still discreetly search her room, I think it’s great that you are standing your ground and sticking up for your daughter. I also find it strange how her actual Mother is willing to impose all of these punishments without actual proof.

The thing is op kids lie , they haven’t got the mental capacity yet to understand lies have consequences. I personally think you are both in the wrong believing one child without proof but tbh your ex has searched for the switch and you haven’t. If your uncomfortable searching your child’s room explain to her that you need to do this to put at end to this she can do it with you .

But, there is good reason.

Her mother and step sister are saying she stole something.

Good reason to have a look and prove innocence....

Has the SD broken hers in fit of rage knows she will get in trouble so has disposed of it then claiming it has been stolen? Just a idea.

Sorry step sister