To think the bar is set low on parenting for men?

[Babysitting101]

It's something I keep noticing. If a man does even the bare minimum for his child people think he's incredible. I saw one deadbeat dad referred to as a 'legend' on Facebook today for 'taking on' his daughter for 12 months whilst her mother was unable to meet her needs, he was also told that 'not many men would do what you did'

By the way, this is a man who fobbed his daughter off on his mother at every opportunity as he was living in her house. He's also a man who seldom bothers with his other small child as he has a capable and committed mother so his 'support' isn't needed the way it is with his daughter.

Still - the mere fact he remained under the same roof as his daughter for approx 12 months meant he achieved legendary status.

Another case that sprung to mind recently is my own. I had an appointment to attend during which my OH had our three children. The person I had the appointment with gushed about how wonderful he is for babysitting... yep, babysitting.

AIBU to think the parenting bar is set so low for men? Why is this a thing?

Yes. Not even low but reversed in some cases.
dad takes kids for McDonald’s = fun hero dad
mum takes kids for McDonald’s = slob who wouldn’t be bothered to cook

Not just parenting. Housework. Apparently I am lucky that my husband does his fair share of the housework. Of course they wouldn’t put it like that-he’s “helping me” when he hoovers.

It drives me nuts.

Men also do not “babysit” their own children.

Oh god yes, this!

This aswell!

I do the vast majority of housework as I'm at home at the moment (new baby) but if OH dares to bust the hoover out of the cupboard then blow me aren't I lucky.

And it starts so early. As we left the hospital after a complicated delivery and a 5 day stay DH was holding DD in one arm and the car seat in the other while I shuffled along in agony clutching my post op mid section and we were stopped several times on the way to the car by people cooing over “aww what a lovely dad” actually carrying his actual own infant.

Of course. Sexism is rife. When my kids were little I used to take all 3 of them to swimming lessons with a friend of mine who took her two. They were between 4 and 10 at the time so not tiny and parents were not in the pool. Pretty easy you might think! On the days she couldn't go, her husband "couldn't cope" with taking two of them to the pool and other mothers would rush in to help him. I never understood that!

Of course. It’s ridiculous. A dad is somehow hero worshipped for doing the very basics. I have seen women on here actually brag that their husband ‘pays maintenance’ to their stepkids and therefore has done his b it as a dad. As if doing the literal bare minimum you’re allowed to do is admirable. Or threads where a woman says ‘my DH is a great dad except he just gets so angry and smashes my kids toys when they’re naughty but he’s a great dad.’

Yanbu

My ex thinks throwing money at the situation is all the contribution that is needed.

I work part time have done ever since i had the kids( I was full time befire that)so I have my own money i didnt need his. What i could have used was him actually coming shopping for the back to school stuff occasionally. I could afford it. I just got stuck with all the bags. 2 lots if shoes and trainers and clothes etc.

When dd1 was a baby he was out virtually every night after work . " aw new daddy needs a break and adult company etc

Spot on, it does.

I was kept in for just shy of two weeks after our second as I had sepsis, OH did his part and made sure he was at the hospital every day to do the lions share of nappy changes etc as I was in a bad way.

The way my aunt still, to this day, gushes about how incredible he was to support me and baby through such a traumatic time. He gets more accolades for standing by me and looking after his DC, than I got for recovering and overcoming the PTSD I was left with (not that I want any recognition for that but you know what I mean)

So he was incredible as opposed to what exactly? Leaving me on my death bed and fucking off? I would have thought that was basic level honouring his vows?

It's so frustrating isn't it..

Yes!

And so often that maintenance is the bare minimum sum he can get away with 😐

Eurgh, yes, I hate this! I had a long and complicated delivery with ds1. When he was eventually born I was pretty out of it. Lots of drugs and blood loss, I was pretty weak. Dh, obviously, did the majority of the work of taking care of ds for the first week, basically everything bar breastfeeding. I mentioned to a friend at 7 days post partum that I hadn't changed a nappy yet as dh had done them all. She basically called me a neglectful mother AND wife for "lumbering" my poor husband with a week's worth of nappy changes. Like having a penis somehow makes this a difficult task

100% this
Dad goes back to work 5 days after baby is born - no comment needed.
Mum goes back to work 6 months after baby is born - she's putting her career ahead of her child/why did she have a child etc
Dad stays at home to look after child - superhero dad
Mum stays at home to look after child - is wasting her education/sponging of the state/not contributing to society etc.
Mum takes child to feed ducks/toddler group/play Park etc - no comment required
Dad takes child to above places - isn't he amazing?

And people who talk about dad's "babysitting" their own kids gives me the rage. I always used to correct people if they asked if DH was babysitting!

The bar is so low it's a mile underground!

Probably says more about your friends than your DH. My OH did more than his share. Once I went back to work I spent a lot of time away and he was the main carer. He didn't see it as anything exceptional, he was their dad and loved being dad. His family were the same his brother was happy being dad to his kids. It wasn't exceptional, it wasn't noteworthy it was just what dad's did.

I think a lot of mumsnetters seem to be happy setting up home with men who aren't really family people.

@BigFatLiar I think you've missed the point of the thread! All of the women posting here don't believe it's a big deal for a dad to do his fair share. The point is, a large chunk of society still view dads as something exceptional if they do the bare minimum

The whole 'daddy is baby sitting' gives me the rage too. DH is great with our two and has been from the day they were born. If I'm entirely honest, he's better at handling them both together than I am!

If anyone makes the babysitting comment to him, he usually replies and says, no he's not babysitting ... he's being a dad.

My husband is wonderful and does his fair share without complaint. That’s not the issue. Nobody says I’m amazing for hoovering or doing the food shop after work. Nobody bows down to me like I’m Mother Theresa if I babysit a friend’s children on my own. Nobody tells my dh he’s really lucky that I cook dinner for both of us.

It’s the general low expectations of men that society seems to have that’s the point here which you seemed to have totally missed.

Can I also add that there's always an underlying feeling too, that if you work or go out like at all, that they seek to see it as thek facilitating that and thats something almost special. It doesn't seem to matter if you applied for flexible working and based it around his job. Theres always reminder that you have been " allowed" to do this.

Fir example if u arrange a rare night out rest assured he will be slightly late back so you have to get ready with kids following you about . Or he will go out the days before and after.. etc

It's awful. And yes it's not just parenting, it's housework too. The other day I cooked a Sunday lunch, did some laundry and hoovered while my husband took our daughter to the cinema. My mum came round for lunch and afterwards my husband took the washing out of the machine and started hanging it out. "Oh look" my mum said "he's hanging out the laundry for you, he's so good".

I had a right go at her while husband stood there looking confused and saying "but it's my laundry too?" sigh.

He takes our daughter out quite a lot without me and we do get a lot of "oh, he's so hands on", "you're so lucky" etc. When I take her to the park or for an ice cream or to an activity I get none of this - why is that?

Yes, it’s just part of the sexist patriarchal society we live in. Note though, that a man is only praised if he’s filling the gap that the mother leaves behind due to necessity (illness, death). If the mother chooses to be sole breadwinner and father chooses to be a SAHD the men are mocked as cocklodger and the women pitied for being shackled to a useless lump who can’t hold down a job.

Yeah no shit.
Dad doing the bare minimum - trying! Taking an interest! Giving mum a break! How selfless and amazing!
Mum doing 90% - look at everything she's doing wrong. Lazy, selfish, not doing everything perfectly.

On top of this is the expectation that dads stay as the people they were before they have kids. Mums are expected to give up their own lives, thoughts, wants and needs, and become mindless caretakers who always come last.

DH job involves a lit of travel. No complaints, I knew his job before I married and had kids. But it means I've been left alone with the kids for weeks and months at a time.

Due to a recent family emergency, I had to go away for a week. He had the kids alone for a week... i got daily queries about how well he was managing, did I need to ring my MIL to come and give him a hand etc. But he was managing fine. They might not have had the most fun time, as he was working from home while doing this, but they all survived.

Oh yes.

Past ridiculousness and its in everything, childcare, cooking, housework.

Every year I make Christmas Dinner for upwards of 15 people. DH isn't a cook so it's all on me, bar ricing the potatoes. Every year afterwards my mother tries to cajole him to have a rest in the living room because of the hard work he's done with the spuds.

Nothing ever mentioned about the rest of the meal I cook.

Luckily DH knows much better now and gets the marigolds on before the comments start.

I am divorced and have been told that ex is amazing because he sees our child EOW and pays maintenance consistently.
He's never read a school book with them, doesn't know their food dislikes and can't even name one of their friends but having them overnight once a fortnight means he's great 🤔

I saw this the other day