To think the bar is set low on parenting for men?

Part 2 of above

That’s spot on @amatsip

The other one that gets me is the Disney dad thing. My sister sent her husband to the park with their kids the other day. She told him where to go. She got them ready. She made the packed lunch. She tidied up while they were gone. She fed them when they came back. She washed all the muddy clothes.

He puts a photo of him having a lovely time on Facebook and he’s an absolute angel.

Where I live is still sexist as everywhere is but bizarrely it is extremely family focussed too and because of the social pressure Dads do take on a reasonable burden of parenting.

Obviously I still know some, a very small minority, of men that don’t do much but in the main the parents I know have a very balanced approach to parenting and now with kids older both parents work which I think really helps this. The other thing that helps is that men get huge social disapproval for not doing their bit. It does get spoken about by other men too and they get “slagged” off or jibbed for not playing their part.

I have to do literally everything all my ex has to do is show up and make noises about paying child support we had a social worker that summed everything up

When the incident happened mum was in the other room dad struck ds1 with force leaving a mark mum threatened to take the children and leave dad we believe mum is a risk to ds because she allowed dad to strike ds with force

No accountability for dad's actions all on mum they insisted I give him his rights to see "his" children at a later date with a different social worker she admitted the first one was wrong and that they prevented me from protecting my children he has now moved onto emotional abuse and it doesnt meet threshold for intervention

So yeah somedays I feel like declaring myself a man and I would be cut so much slack

Who on earth are the 9% of posters who think the op is being unreasonable?!

Every year I make Christmas Dinner for upwards of 15 people. DH isn't a cook so it's all on me, bar ricing the potatoes. Every year afterwards my mother tries to cajole him to have a rest in the living room because of the hard work he's done with the spuds

🤣🤣🤣

On DDs 4th birthday DH arranged to collect a new (to him not brand new) car that he had bought. It was quite far away so he set out fairly early. I was a bit miffed as we had family coming for lunch, so I stayed looking after DD and DS (who was a baby) and prepared lunch for the guests. MIL spent most of the afternoon commenting on how tired DH must be by his long entirely optional drive!!

Totally agree with you OP

I travelled from the UK to South Africa with a 9 month old. Didn't eat as DS was on my lap the entire time, carried the little chunk around at the layover, etc. I just got on with it, didn't get offered any help from anyone.

Nine month's later, DH travelled (same airline) with now 18 month old, walking DS and people fell over themselves to help him carry stuff. He was bemused.

He is a great dad and also don't understand the 'baby sitting' comments, but yes, society treated us very differently.

People tell me I'm lucky to have my husband, but I've started to reframe it as 'yes, he is a great guy, we are lucky to have EACH OTHER'.

Not sure, maybe those confusing their personal bar with the societal bar which is laughably low.

Yes the bar is set low as the daily posts on here show only too plainly.

So many women enable it.

It's depressing.

And sadly they're all women IME. I've never had a comment from a male friend, colleague or boss. I'm an engineer so surrounded by men. I know a fair few dad's who work PT and share parenting with their wives. No-one bats an eyelid other than to say it's great to spend time with kids and that more father's should do this

100% exclusively, all the gushing I've ever received is from women. I agree it's tiresome, even moreso when you do more than the bare minimum, and just your fair share. Sure it's nice to have all of your wife's friends fawning but this is just because their husbands are mostly useless.

It's an odd situation. We need men to buck up their shit and women to stop gushing. Chicken and egg.

OMG! @Isaidnoalready That is shocking. I'm so sorry

@TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit I agree with your point about being "lucky"

My Dsis always says this to me and it gives me the rage.

Luck has nothing to do with it.

Absolutely! Men and I would also argue boys are held to much lower standards that women/ girls/ mothers! I watch my son get away with things ( from others!) that my daughter never would have.

I also recall our first Xmas with my then 7 week old baby. I had been feeding her all throughout Xmas lunch, had not had a moment to myself. Then she needed a nappy change so my DH took her and went and changed her. The comments were along the lines of oh isn't he such a good dad, so good to change her nappy! Bla bla bla.

But really it starts way before they become parents, all the way back to toddler days in my opinion and it's women as well a men who hold girls to a higher standard and something that infuriates me!

Well let's face it, its women who set the bar.

Were we married to the same person? It's so depressing that this story is so familiar.

Unfortunately his mother encouraged this kind of thing by never asking her sons to lift a finger, even when they were adults, so we can do things to change the dynamic (not just blaming her by the way, he was an adult and could have chosen to behave like one, but if my sons behaved like that with their wives I'd go apeshit!).

Yeah, what idiots, oppressing themselves throughout history and preventing themselves from having basic human rights.

@georgarina but Topgub's point is valid.

Unless women start saying no to it nothing will ever change.

Yep - proper boils my piss.

Friend's husband cheated on her with someone 20 years younger - left her high and dry but because he sees their daughter regularly, he is seen as a hero. (Not in mine or her book obvs!)

Yes it is, my ex use to see our children 2 hours a fortnight but every time he took them out (only to the local park) he would he complimented for doing a great job, just simply being out with them, this was by men and women so not just women, I witnessed a man praising him.

@georgarina

I'm not sure women gushing over how some men 'parent' is comparable to human rights abuses.

Women (in the uk) certainly although still suffering a patriarchal/sexist society are not mindless victims with no agency of their own

Start a thread about sharing mat/pat leave or about women not being sahms and see how much some women care about being 'oppressed'

No, it’s society that’s sets the bar. It’s generations of patriarchal society run mostly by men for the benefit of men. Men are victims of the patriarchy too in a way, in that men who choose to be a SAHD are seriously looked down on. It’s harder for employers to give men time off, the expectation is still there with men being asked “why can’t your wife get your sick child?”

Being a helpful/present dad is praised when it’s temporary, a one off- you’re giving mum “a break” or mum “is in hospital”. The only acceptable single father in society is a widower.

So it’s up to both men and women to change things. We can’t change it without men wanting it to change as well.

Women can and do say no but then they're judged for going against societal expectation. I remember how judged and attacked my mum was from all sides (both families, friends, school) - as an Oxbridge-educated professional and single parent - for not doing perfect housework, being a parent volunteer, baking something for the bake sale, etc. To the point she eventually quit her job and was fucking miserable.

Whereas my friend's dad was also a single working parent and was admired, given meals to take home, no expectation that he do all the 'mum activities' etc.

YADNBU!

My ex buys our 4 DC crazy OTT gifts (PS5, wooden playhouse etc.) occasionally takes them swimming or to a coffee shop, plasters it over FB and all the comments are how amazing he is, how lucky to have a Dad like him...God forbid they should sleepover at his house or take them for more than a few hours once a month, but c'mon, what a guy!

The other thing that helps is that men get huge social disapproval for not doing their bit. It does get spoken about by other men too and they get “slagged” off or jibbed for not playing their part.

This is definitely a thing nowadays. I'll openly rip shreds off a colleague or mate that whinges or talks about stuff at home.

I'm sure a lot of men here do too.