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Original poster

Help: dad walked out 30 years ago. Now hes back and in need..

101 replies

Dadissues · 05/09/2022 17:15

Absent father, drugs, emotionally abusive to mum, walked out with another woman when I was three and my sister was a baby, didnt pay a single penny for me and my sister.

He completely dropped my sis, never mentioned her again, no contact. Against my mum and sisters advice, i got back in touch with him when I was about 20. Over the last decade we have met up for a pint once every two years or so. I dont know why i did it. Curiosity maybe? Sentimentality? Every time we met he was more and more out of control and intense. I think the drink and drugs and age gradually took their toll. He became even edgier than he already was. The last time I saw him was 6 months ago and he was so erratic and intense I decided it would be the last time.

Last week I received a message from him saying:
"Mum's in hospital and it's looking bad. Unfortunately as I've been focusing entirely on mum, I've rather neglected my wellbeing. I don't need you to do anything yet (it's tests at the moment for me). I just needed to make sure you were OK and in contact. ❤️"

I feel like I'm being manipulated and my feelings are confused. What would he want me to do? I feel like having never performed fatherly duties he now wants me to perform daughterly ones. I feel angry but at the same time I feel sorry for him. My sister and mum think I'm mad. Right now I've blocked him.

Has anyone had experience with this? A toxic or estranged parent calling on you in their hour of need? Any thoughts?

OP posts:
drpet49 · 05/09/2022 17:16

I’d tell him to get lost. I don’t know why you even bothered to get in touch in the first place.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 05/09/2022 17:18

Keep the bugger blocked

Octomore · 05/09/2022 17:20

This is pure manipulation, I'd leave him blocked.

He has given you nothing, ever, so you owe him nothing. Donating some sperm does not entitle him to your time and energy.

mynamesnotMa · 05/09/2022 17:20

Think you've correctly hit the nail on the head. You owe him nothing. He's an emotional vulture.

Rinatinabina · 05/09/2022 17:20

He’s looking for a carer and you are it because he thinks you can be manipulated into it. Think about 3yr old you not knowing where her dad had gone. Thats who he is. He dropped you like a stone and didn’t care. You don’t owe him shit. It’s the other way round.

MadMadMadamMim · 05/09/2022 17:23

I'd just ignore, frankly. You owe him nothing.

Upontherooftops · 05/09/2022 17:27

You owe him nothing. It does sound like he plans to use you if he's ill. Is the mum referred to in his message his mother? Or your stepmum?

NiqueNique · 05/09/2022 17:30

Don’t reply, keep him blocked. Don’t let yourself get sucked in - it absolutely won’t end well for you.

IncompleteSenten · 05/09/2022 17:31

I'd keep him blocked

He's planning on enlisting you to take care of him no doubt.

You owe him nothing.

Original poster
Dadissues · 05/09/2022 17:32

@Upontherooftops
That would be his mother, my grandmother. I feel very bad for her but unfortunately she was a woman who was mentally beaten down. She always stood by him and apologised for him, her own husband was a nasty piece of work. My dads dad died, then his brother died. Then his mum got very ill and he put her in a home at the other end of the country and lives in her house. Last time I saw him he said "by the way when I pop it, dont go thinking you'll inherit that house - I'll be selling it and will go and live on the canal". 😐

It sounds like my grandmother is going to die and although she wasnt a bad person I dont think I will be able to be there as it puts me too close to him.

OP posts:
Castleheights · 05/09/2022 17:32

Get on with your own life. Not his.

DeborahVance · 05/09/2022 17:34

Do not get dragged into this

Original poster
Dadissues · 05/09/2022 17:37

I think the only thing I can do is keep him blocked then. Thanks for reassuring me that I'm not a bad person.

How would I know if he died? I live abroad and there is no other family on his side.

OP posts:
MotherofTerriers · 05/09/2022 17:39

If he put his mum in a home at the other end of the country he probably hasn't been focussed on her to the detriment of his own health. More likely drugs and drink catching up with him. "I don't need you to do anything yet" sounds like he is assuming you'll provide care.
I'd just block, you owe him nothing.

MatildaTheCat · 05/09/2022 17:41

It’s a mess but not your mess to tidy away.

NotLactoseFree · 05/09/2022 17:45

That is one of the most manipulative messages I've seen in a while (and I speak as someone whose BIL has form for sending passive aggressive messages to his children on the family WhatsApp to the extent that even the teenagers call him out....)

Just ignore. He is looking for a reaction and will then do his best to reel you in further. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

Saynotothefishtank · 05/09/2022 17:50

What a horribly manipulative and deliberately vague message. I wonder if he thinks the booze has ruined his kidneys and is trying to line you up for being a kidney donor. Whatever it’s about - detach, step away, he’ll never be the person you want him to be.

Beautiful3 · 05/09/2022 17:51

I think he felt low and for the first time, realised he had no-one there for him. He reached out to you for support, forgetting that he failed to failed to nurture your relationship. He is being very selfish and emotionally manipulative. I'd keep him blocked.

phishy · 05/09/2022 17:51

Then his mum got very ill and he put her in a home at the other end of the country and lives in her house.

So the bit in his text that was Unfortunately as I've been focusing entirely on mum, I've rather neglected my wellbeing is a complete lie?

What a twat. Keep him blocked.

hattie43 · 05/09/2022 17:52

drpet49 · 05/09/2022 17:16

I’d tell him to get lost. I don’t know why you even bothered to get in touch in the first place.

This

CheapBeersFilledwithCrocodileTears · 05/09/2022 17:53

MotherofTerriers · 05/09/2022 17:39

If he put his mum in a home at the other end of the country he probably hasn't been focussed on her to the detriment of his own health. More likely drugs and drink catching up with him. "I don't need you to do anything yet" sounds like he is assuming you'll provide care.
I'd just block, you owe him nothing.

This is it absolutely.

Also, you asked for perspective from someone who was in your shoes @Dadissues . I have been, a bit. My father disowned me, because he’s a racist and my DH is half-black (I wish I were kidding). He didn’t even raise me; his parents did, so I don’t know how him “disowning” me was supposed to affect me. It largely didn’t. I lost an erratic, verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive man. Big fucking whoop. And then a decade plus later, his health went bad.

I heard through family a year ago that my dad had a stroke. As I pointed out the family member, it really had nothing to do with me, and I’d prefer not to hear any more about it. You asked what happens if you don’t hear of him dying. Nothing. Nothing happens. You maybe Google him once a year for a while, and then one day you’ll discover that he’s passed, probably many, many years from now, much longer than you thought he would survive, much longer than he implied, and probably long after he’s spent all the money from his mum’s house and has nowhere to go. It’s not your circus; these aren’t your monkeys. You don’t want to be involved.

You were incredibly smart and brave to block him. Stay blocked. Good luck, OP.

Ireolu · 05/09/2022 17:53

This person will bleed you dry and will not have a second thought about it. Keep him blocked its not worth the stress/aggro.

Original poster
Dadissues · 05/09/2022 17:55

I’d tell him to get lost. I don’t know why you even bothered to get in touch in the first place

I dont know. I suppose a part of me wanted to believe that he couldn't be all bad. For some reason it felt important to me to be able to find some good in him. I kept wanting to find justifications but over time it sadly dawned on me that what people said was true.

OP posts:
Sunnyqueen · 05/09/2022 17:55

He dropped you when you needed him now it's time for you to return the favour.

Original poster
Dadissues · 05/09/2022 17:56

@Beautiful3
I think he felt low and for the first time, realised he had no-one there for him

You're right. He is realising that soon all his family will be gone, he has no friends other than party friends, and has never had a relationship in 30 years.

OP posts:
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