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Original poster

Help: dad walked out 30 years ago. Now hes back and in need..

101 replies

Dadissues · 05/09/2022 17:15

Absent father, drugs, emotionally abusive to mum, walked out with another woman when I was three and my sister was a baby, didnt pay a single penny for me and my sister.

He completely dropped my sis, never mentioned her again, no contact. Against my mum and sisters advice, i got back in touch with him when I was about 20. Over the last decade we have met up for a pint once every two years or so. I dont know why i did it. Curiosity maybe? Sentimentality? Every time we met he was more and more out of control and intense. I think the drink and drugs and age gradually took their toll. He became even edgier than he already was. The last time I saw him was 6 months ago and he was so erratic and intense I decided it would be the last time.

Last week I received a message from him saying:
"Mum's in hospital and it's looking bad. Unfortunately as I've been focusing entirely on mum, I've rather neglected my wellbeing. I don't need you to do anything yet (it's tests at the moment for me). I just needed to make sure you were OK and in contact. ❤️"

I feel like I'm being manipulated and my feelings are confused. What would he want me to do? I feel like having never performed fatherly duties he now wants me to perform daughterly ones. I feel angry but at the same time I feel sorry for him. My sister and mum think I'm mad. Right now I've blocked him.

Has anyone had experience with this? A toxic or estranged parent calling on you in their hour of need? Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Caroffee · 05/09/2022 17:58

You shouldn't have got back in touch with him in the first place.

Original poster
Dadissues · 05/09/2022 17:58

@CheapBeersFilledwithCrocodileTears
Thank you for your message, and well done to you for keeping strong. I will do the same. 🌻

OP posts:
ihatethefuckingmuffin · 05/09/2022 18:00

There’s a reason why this person is alone. Think about it. Nice people don’t end up alone. Nice people can hold down relationships. Nice people don’t fuck off out of their childrens lives and stay gone.

You owe him nothing. He is nothing to you. His mum is an enabler who stuck by this waste of space.

Original poster
Dadissues · 05/09/2022 18:01

@Caroffee
I know that now. I wish I never had.

OP posts:
Bestcatmum · 05/09/2022 18:04

Appalling behaviour. My DS father did the same. Suddenly wanting friendship and visiting now my DS is 40. What a bloody nerve. He cannot understand why DS doesn't give two hoots for him.

Festoonlights · 05/09/2022 18:15

don't need you to do anything yet

That yet is the biggest word in the op. A bomb waiting sitting there waiting for you. Yet, so by extension he IS expecting you to care for him/nurse him/help him through cancer whatever.

How dare he pitch up and expect you to do anything at all....I am so angry for you.

Block him and never ever respond. It is outrageous the gumption of the man. He ditched all of you without a thought, don't give him an inch now op. He does not deserve you or your sister or pity. What a disgrace of a man, his self indulgence has caused his health to fail (If it has) and this is really not your problem.

Please protect yourself from being sucked in.

Teenytinyvoice · 05/09/2022 18:20

My situation is a little different, in that the breakdown of the relationship with my father happened much later in life. But his health is now failing and it’s testing our low contact situation.
It could be that by “do something”, he means emotionally. If it was a terminal illness, would you want to have one last visit? This is “doing something”.

it’s entirely up to you, and if you don’t want to engage you don’t need anyone’s permission to block him, but a bland “thanks for letting me know” is also an option and a phrase I employ a lot

catandcoffee · 05/09/2022 18:25

Dadissues · 05/09/2022 18:01

@Caroffee
I know that now. I wish I never had.

You've learnt a very hard lesson,in future listen to the people who loved and cared for you.....Your Mum.

Keep this leach blocked.
Some people are truly awful and don't have a good bone in their body.

AchatAVendre · 05/09/2022 18:26

Dadissues · 05/09/2022 17:56

@Beautiful3
I think he felt low and for the first time, realised he had no-one there for him

You're right. He is realising that soon all his family will be gone, he has no friends other than party friends, and has never had a relationship in 30 years.

I always wondered what happened to these men once they got older, and I always imagined that it was thus.

Then his mum got very ill and he put her in a home at the other end of the country and lives in her house. Last time I saw him he said "by the way when I pop it, dont go thinking you'll inherit that house - I'll be selling it and will go and live on the canal".

He's a user who hasn't changed. Out for what he can get. He will probably be the most demanding patient all the carers can't stand in a council nursing home. Poor nurses/carers.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 05/09/2022 18:27

What would he want me to do?

Does it matter?
As you suggested yourself, he's running out of people to pick up his mess so thinks he can line you up for the job instead

This isn't going to get any better, so frankly I'd cut all contact now and save yourself the angst of him claiming "Oooo I always thought you were the only one who cared about me!!"

Redburnett · 05/09/2022 18:34

I think it is perfectly understandable that the OP wanted to meet her father and see for herself what he is like.
But as others have said OP you owe him nothing. I think you were right to block him and avoid contact with you paternal GM to prevent being dragged down and embroiled in your father's mess of his own making. His comment about the house was particularly cruel IMO, it shows he had no intention of even trying to make up for his failings.

funnelfanjo · 05/09/2022 18:37

Don’t beat yourself up for getting in touch. It sounds like you would always wonder about him, and at least now you know for yourself what kind of person he is, and that he hadn’t changed. It’s a shame that meant you also don’t have a relationship with extended family like your grandmother, but that can’t be helped either. I hope you can find a way to detach with peace on your side and move on. This was not a situation of your doing, you did not deserve this and he will never change. You sound well grounded and probably a lot more forgiving than he deserved.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 05/09/2022 18:38

Let him fuck off.

I'm sorry that he is such a self absorbed person, he made his choice addiction aside.

To answer your question I have friends who have had absent fathers drop back in their life only to hurt them all over again.

VillanellesCoat · 05/09/2022 18:43

MotherofTerriers · 05/09/2022 17:39

If he put his mum in a home at the other end of the country he probably hasn't been focussed on her to the detriment of his own health. More likely drugs and drink catching up with him. "I don't need you to do anything yet" sounds like he is assuming you'll provide care.
I'd just block, you owe him nothing.

Care, or a kidney

mbosnz · 05/09/2022 18:50

This sounds very much like my FIL. DH is the only one prepared to stay in touch with him, I honour him for that, and support it. But my FIL is a using bastard of a male who couldn't lie straight in bed, and as he gets older, his come uppance catches up with him. So it's very much 'wow Dad, that sucks, let me know how it works out for you'. Because we have gone well beyond the point where we'd provide any material support. He made his bed, he can fucking lie in it.

TheClogLady · 05/09/2022 19:12

your dad sounds like mine.

Although, we’re the other way around and I’m no contact and my sister is the low contact sibling.

I last had contact with my father in 2011 and I do not regret cutting him out one bit. He ignored me for 20 years and then breezed back in (after living abroad with a girlfriend younger than me, his youngest child) and expected ME to look after him.

Fuck no.

My sister must be more sensitive than me as she sees him maybe once a year. Our agreement is that I don’t want to hear how he is, but she can talk to me about how she feels about how he is.

I don’t judge her for wanting to see him, but I would also support her choice if she decided to cut him loose.

we’d both love a good relationship with him but it’s impossible. Any thoughts of him behaving like a dad are pure fantasy.

Cut him off and save your love snd energy for a more deserving recipient.

CheapBeersFilledwithCrocodileTears · 05/09/2022 19:32

@Dadissues I wish you absolutely the best of luck. I don’t pretend these things don’t hurt a bit. It’s only natural to wish your father had been someone different. But we have to realize that it was his choice, and it had nothing to do with you - he chose NOT to be someone different, and he chose it off his own back. He chose not to be a kind, present father, and he chose it without knowing anything about you. It was never your problem, it was never your fault, and that means that whatever his future entails - it’s neither your problem nor your fault, either. Unfortunately, we cannot choose our parents. But we can choose who we love, and we can choose who we give our time to - and love and time are both precious things. I wish, for you, that in place of your father, now and in the future, you’ll always have people worth your love and time.

GardenTool · 05/09/2022 19:39

I was in a similar position and to cut a very long story short my dad died suddenly and unexpectedly. The grief is very complex with many layers.

Look after yourself but don’t have any regrets.

wherearebeefandonioncrisps · 05/09/2022 20:43

He has literally made his own bed and now he must lie in it.
He doesn't need or deserve you to tuck him up in it.

Happylittlethoughts · 05/09/2022 20:50

How has he kept her house? Who's paying home fees?

Warmhandscoldheart · 05/09/2022 21:21

My guess is he's having tests for kidney failure, as his daughter he'll be expecting you to donate one to him.
Keep blocking him

billy1966 · 05/09/2022 22:08

You sound lovely and of course you were curious.
Completely understandable.

He is nothing to you and it was never about you.

He has chosen a life of complete self indulgence and self absorption and he will have to deal with the consequences.

You accidentally share DNA, that is all.

You have been very brave to block him and that is undoubtedly the healthiest thing to do.

I mean this very kindly.....

Your mum has worked hard to do her best for you and your sister, and I'm sure it wasn't easy.

By not bringing the shit show that is your father, at this stage of his life, back into yours, you are honouring your mum.

She would hate to see you dragged into his life and be used by him after all these years.

He has absolutely nothing to add to your life.

Keep him blocked and enjoy your life.

Wishing you well.

Sugarplumfairy65 · 05/09/2022 22:32

My only message to him would be "I'll say goodbye now then!"

BabyDreamers · 05/09/2022 22:47

If my estranged absent father asked me for anything I'd tell him where to go. He couldn't be bothered with 5 year old me and I can't be bothered with a stranger.

BabyDreamers · 05/09/2022 22:49

I already know if the man I happen to share dna with dies I wouldn't shed a tear or attend his funeral.

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