Help: dad walked out 30 years ago. Now hes back and in need..

[Dadissues]

Absent father, drugs, emotionally abusive to mum, walked out with another woman when I was three and my sister was a baby, didnt pay a single penny for me and my sister.

He completely dropped my sis, never mentioned her again, no contact. Against my mum and sisters advice, i got back in touch with him when I was about 20. Over the last decade we have met up for a pint once every two years or so. I dont know why i did it. Curiosity maybe? Sentimentality? Every time we met he was more and more out of control and intense. I think the drink and drugs and age gradually took their toll. He became even edgier than he already was. The last time I saw him was 6 months ago and he was so erratic and intense I decided it would be the last time.

Last week I received a message from him saying:
"Mum's in hospital and it's looking bad. Unfortunately as I've been focusing entirely on mum, I've rather neglected my wellbeing. I don't need you to do anything yet (it's tests at the moment for me). I just needed to make sure you were OK and in contact. ❤️"

I feel like I'm being manipulated and my feelings are confused. What would he want me to do? I feel like having never performed fatherly duties he now wants me to perform daughterly ones. I feel angry but at the same time I feel sorry for him. My sister and mum think I'm mad. Right now I've blocked him.

Has anyone had experience with this? A toxic or estranged parent calling on you in their hour of need? Any thoughts?

I'll try to p.m. you, tomorrow with my experience, if it will help. Very similar.

I was going to reply but @MotherofTerriers said it all perfectly.

He hasn't looked after his mum. He expects you to drop everything to care for him. He's used up his supply and thinks he can use you.

Well done for blocking him. I just wanted to say stay strong. You saw through his manipulation. Do not feel bad in any way.

As a mum of kids who’s dad has done similar, please just let him die in his own shit.

Tell him to fuck right off OP.
Or if that’s too much,’just block him.

He’s the lowest of the low.

Then his mum got very ill and he put her in a home at the other end of the country and lives in her house. Last time I saw him he said "by the way when I pop it, dont go thinking you'll inherit that house - I'll be selling it and will go and live on the canal".

He's deluding himself.
How can he expect to keep her house, when she has care fees to pay?

Apart from that venal point, YANBU to block him OP.
I hope you are able to go NC & be as comfortable as possible.
You owe him nothing.

Does he have any way of getting in contact with you other than your phone number? If not, then leave him blocked.

If he does, then I’d be inclined to reply ‘I think there has been a misunderstanding. I don’t bear you any ill will, I wish you the best and I’m sorry about your mum, but you and I don’t have that sort of relationship where we can expect support from each other’. The last thing you want is him turning up at your home or work.

A Bros "Christmas Box' from Smash Hits when I wanted to win one of the other prizes - hence this item still sits unopened from around 1988.

how is he so ill after looking after his mum when shes in a care home

compulsive liar dont even bother replying

Thanks so much to all of you who have offered kind words. I'm feeling much better about this thanks to you all.

@KettrickenSmiled
How can he expect to keep her house, when she has care fees to pay
He has a really manic and intense way about him so hes constantly battering you with chatter, I cant remember exactly how it went down but he explained to me how he had arranged it. There was some way he managed to get all her fees paid for by the state. Not illegally but he had found a way of swinging it and was pretty proud of himself. I cant remember the details of how that came to be/is possible.

He has a really manic and intense way about him so hes constantly battering you with chatter, I cant remember exactly how it went down but he explained to me how he had arranged it. There was some way he managed to get all her fees paid for by the state. Not illegally but he had found a way of swinging it and was pretty proud of himself. I cant remember the details of how that came to be/is possible.

Well you don't need him, his manic chatter, or his maybe-fraudulent ways around you or your family OP. Leave the hurt in the past where it belongs & focus on those who love you x

Complete manipulation. Block him and move on with your life.

I have had relatives AND old 'friends' from the past who have tried to get in touch after some years of not being arsed, because they have no-one else/other family members and friends have fucked them over/dropped them etc, and I just block them. CBA. Too long in the tooth, and too old and knackered and brow beaten by peoples crap to put up with it now.

Been shat on too much by too many people over the years, and I give no-one a second chance now. I have everything I need in my life... my DH, my DD and her fiance and his parents, my lovely neighbours, my 3 BFFs, and my one aunt and cousin (dad's sister and her daughter) who have kept in touch all my life. Oh and my precious cat.

Don't need anyone else, and CBA with anyone else. Anyone from the past who hasn't been arsed for years can fuck off. And that includes relatives... I have a brother and so does DH, but they stopped being arsed about a decade ago, so we have lost touch with them. (Our parents died some years ago.) For this reason we are both having direct cremations. No fucker from my past is going to trot along to MY funeral and pretend they care, coz I ain't having a fucking funeral!

Oh yeah @Dadissues Tell your 'father' to fuck off, and then BLOCK him!

Wrong thread?

@WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps
No fucker from my past is going to trot along to MY funeral and pretend they care, coz I ain't having a fucking funeral
😂 I love this!

Glad for you that you have so many people you care about in your life, I do too. You're right to say that should be our focus

😘Thanks @Dadissues I hope you're OK, and I forgot to say I am sorry for your issues and dilemma (whittering on about my dumbass self!!!)

All I would say is that it's entirely up to you what contact (if any) you want to have with either him or your Grandmother.

Some people forgive using a "Prodigal son" type justification and if that makes them feel better, then that's fine, but that doesn't mean that everyone else should feel the same.

You do you and let that be an end to it. But if you're truly non-contact then it shouldn't matter to you whether he's alive or dead. If you're really bothered about him dying without you knowing about it, then you could maintain limited contact without giving into any demands he may make.

You're right. He is realising that soon all his family will be gone, he has no friends other than party friends, and has never had a relationship in 30 years.

You missed the end of that sentence off... "because of choices he made". He chose this life, with no responsibility or relationships he nurtured. Why should be benefit just because you turned out nice? He didn't have a hand in that.

I don't need you to do anything yet (it's tests at the moment for me). I just needed to make sure you were OK and in contact

I need/I don’t need.

Note the ‘I’ and the need.

Not ‘just to make you aware’ . It just comes with his wants and needs. Like you don’t have a say.

I too wonder what he is going to spring on you.

I literally could of wrote your post

Its a little different
But dad walked away 30+ years ago
No contact at all, just a text every now and then when his mum was ill
Didnt pay anything to my mum for us 3 kids
His brother died last year
His mum (My nan) died 4 weeks ago
And now his constantly texting me asking things and organising things about the funeral / wake and its a mind fuck!!!

Don't engage just block and get rid of his number.

Geez, this is rough. He's hoping you're "okay" (didn't seem to be bothered with wondering if you were okay when he abandoned you at three, or all those years until you started searching him out) and on standby for dealing with his needs. After pulling the guilt strings. Caring, loving him has worn himself down focusing on his mum's needs! As if. It is good you have enough heart to still feel for him, and very sad for you, but blocking him is the sensible option or you open yourself to more manipulation, and expectations that are unreasonable, and unkind to you.

You owe him nothing. Imagine aboandoning your daughters!

My friend’s father died of cancer last year and his wife kept wanting her to be involved. She said no and didn’t go to his funeral. The man let her down continually as a child and wasn’t much of a father growing up. She’s there for her mum all the time but not for her dad.

Its up to you what you do albeit I think you're unwise to get involved. But being curious to know a parent is entirely understandable. However I do hope youre not regaling your mum and sister with stories about him -they deserve their peace, no worry or drama. You are courting drama by being in touch with him which is your choice, but not theirs.

Keep him blocked and make sure he has no way to contact you, this man has and will add nothing to your life except grief. He already has you feeling guilty, what do you think he will expect from you as the years go by. A lot of people struggle with the fact that their actions have consequences, your dad sounds like a prime example.

I sort of have experience of this.

I understand your anger at how he’s treated you over the years versus the irrational feeling of guilt at the prospect of cutting them off.

my advice would be to continue as you are; that drink every year/two years. Just so ‘cutting off a sick parent’ isn’t on your conscience (not that it should be!) but do not be sucked into doing more than that. I would wait now, if he responds with some kind of terminal or serious diagnosis I would make it clear I wouldn’t be able to do anything for him. ‘Sorry to hear that. Unfortunately I’m not in a position to do anything for you, so please make other arrangements’.

Cheeky git. What gets me is the blasé assumption you will want to do something given how he’s treated you. He clearly has no remorse whatsoever for what he’s put you through, just believes other people should be there at his beck and call.

good luck, stand firm. As PP said remember your 3 year old self, that’s who he is.