Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help: dad walked out 30 years ago. Now hes back and in need..

101 replies

Dadissues · 05/09/2022 17:15

Absent father, drugs, emotionally abusive to mum, walked out with another woman when I was three and my sister was a baby, didnt pay a single penny for me and my sister.

He completely dropped my sis, never mentioned her again, no contact. Against my mum and sisters advice, i got back in touch with him when I was about 20. Over the last decade we have met up for a pint once every two years or so. I dont know why i did it. Curiosity maybe? Sentimentality? Every time we met he was more and more out of control and intense. I think the drink and drugs and age gradually took their toll. He became even edgier than he already was. The last time I saw him was 6 months ago and he was so erratic and intense I decided it would be the last time.

Last week I received a message from him saying:
"Mum's in hospital and it's looking bad. Unfortunately as I've been focusing entirely on mum, I've rather neglected my wellbeing. I don't need you to do anything yet (it's tests at the moment for me). I just needed to make sure you were OK and in contact. ❤️"

I feel like I'm being manipulated and my feelings are confused. What would he want me to do? I feel like having never performed fatherly duties he now wants me to perform daughterly ones. I feel angry but at the same time I feel sorry for him. My sister and mum think I'm mad. Right now I've blocked him.

Has anyone had experience with this? A toxic or estranged parent calling on you in their hour of need? Any thoughts?

OP posts:
deeperthanallroses · 06/09/2022 04:29

@Potato28 I hope you’re not looking things up for him and helping him organise it!

Imissmoominmama · 06/09/2022 06:14

When he was your age, how much contact did he instigate with you?

Forgotthebins · 06/09/2022 06:15

This is classic toxic behaviour. If you unblock him he will probably also ask you for money for his debts, or just because self-pity makes him feel he deserves it. Keep him as blocked as it is possible to block. Try not to contemplate the uncertainties or what-ifs, as he will use any opening to try to drag you down with him.

dustofneptune · 06/09/2022 06:37

Definitely manipulative behaviour. My dad does the same thing, saying “wanted to check you’re ok” - when what he means is “I want/need something from you”.

I think you have two choices, realistically. If you can feel ok with blocking him and it won’t eat you up with guilt, then stick with that option. Alternatively, if it’s likely to torture you wondering what he actually expects, you can ask him outright - “What do you mean I won’t need to do anything yet?” Then base your next move on the answer to that.

You know him, yourself, and your dynamic better than anyone on here. I think we all agree on having a definite boundary against you taking on any kind of debt or care for him.

GingerScallop · 06/09/2022 06:53

"I don't need you to do anything yet".

your reply: oh I don't intend to. Definitely not for 30 years

AutumnClearOut · 06/09/2022 07:03

I don't need you to do anything yet (it's tests at the moment for me). I just needed to make sure you were OK and in contact. ❤️"

Oh, just to give you heads up that I may need you to come look after me, as I am not well. So, don't make any plans just now, and get your suitcase ready.

It's a tough one, as he is your dad, and his tentacles are wrapped around your heart. You owe him nothing though. If you are abroad, do not fly over or anything. You can do your bit, to make yourself feel better if you like, by phone. You owe him nothing.

torquewench · 06/09/2022 07:09

Well, he neglected your wellbeing when you were tiny. He's a fully grown adult. Let him rot.

TooHotToTangoToo · 06/09/2022 07:11

I think he felt low and for the first time, realised he had no-one there for him

This makes it sound sentimental and he's reflecting on his shitty behaviour. I think that's bollocks and he reaching out to many people, to look after him as he realises that he's going to need help (and probably money) and he's burnt that many bridges he's looking to the op to sucker her into doing the things he wouldn't do as a parent - run a mile op and then a few more

phishy · 06/09/2022 07:11

he is your dad, and his tentacles are wrapped around your heart

Yikes, I read that as ‘his testicles are wrapped around your heart. 😳

ReneBumsWombats · 06/09/2022 07:29

You owe him nothing.

kateandme · 06/09/2022 07:30

We all want to be loved op to be enough to be loved.by a parent this occurs ten fold.it takes alot of work to leave this behind and t over it.knowing YOU were never the problem.its his inability that meant you didn't have a dad.
But give yourself loads of compassion.this stuff can really emotionally be damaging.rherd is no shame in that.
What s next is working how to heal.so that this belief and feelings you have doesn't keep cropping up to bite you as it so often does with parental strifes.

On the grandma front.if you wanted could you phone the ward.he should not getti dictate you needing to say goodbye to her.
Just know this isntvuour fault.
Know you don't need to make him worthy of you.hes not.hes proved this time and again and it's not up to you to turn up for him to be loved.thst was his job.

Zilla1 · 06/09/2022 07:31

HNRTT but might be more than money and care he wants, tissue matching for kidney or liver? Be interesting how he squares his statement about prioritising his DM with what you've said, OP. Good luck.

queenrollo · 06/09/2022 08:00

You've had some really good advice here already so I am just throwing in my experience for some added perspective.
I was 32 when I finally met my own father. He contacted me after he became ill. Similar story of substance abuse, though he had not really been a 'waster' having lived an interesting and productive life.
The difference here is that he was completely upfront about his flaws, clean at that point but honest about the fact he might not always be (it's been 15 years, he's had two blips) and he has been at great pains to never rely on me or ask me for help. At times I have wished he would let me help.
He lives abroad. This physical distance is a bonus for me.
He also has manic phases, during which I have no contact with him and they are distressing. I do have contact with two of his friends, they keep me informed of anything I actually need to know about during these periods. Does your dad have anyone like this who could be a middle man? They do have to be completely stable and trustworthy for this approach to work though.

And I completely understand why you felt the need for contact. I think us estranged children often fall into two camps with this, and it's not always easy to understand the other's perspective.
The main thing is always putting yourself first. You do not owe this man your time, or mental and emotional energy.

YelloCar · 06/09/2022 08:08

don't need you to do anything yet
I’d find it so hard to let this go without knowing what he meant. It’s a bit like poking a bruise: it’s going to hurt but I couldn’t help myself but to ask.

I sympathise, I have a similar family situation to you. It’s not easy.

Soontobe60 · 06/09/2022 08:13

Caroffee · 05/09/2022 17:58

You shouldn't have got back in touch with him in the first place.

And how is that helpful?

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 06/09/2022 08:13

It's that word 'tests,' isn't it? deliberately non-specific to have you thinking 'tests? what tests? and fearing the worst.

LilianLenton · 06/09/2022 08:19

Always remember, he chose this. He chose to abuse your mother & abandon you as a young child. If he wants to return now it will because he thinks he can get something out of the relationship. It will probably boil down to money.

BeardyButton · 06/09/2022 08:26

Keep blocked. Aren’t you lucky you didn’t have to deal with this fucker as a live in “father”.

also if you have kids yourself - don’t subject them to this drama.

honestly you owe this guy zero. Move on without a backward glance

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 06/09/2022 08:32

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 05/09/2022 23:34

Wrong thread?

Show quote history

I thought this was Bros hit I owe you nothing ...

But maybe wrong thread

Neverendingdust · 06/09/2022 08:40

As pp said, be glad you didn’t have that black cloud raising you, things could have been far worse.

TankFlyBossW4lk · 06/09/2022 08:46

Please don't engage with him. It's really hard taking care of relatives you have a good relationship with in their hour of need. This man has never been your father, he cannot expect you to support him.

Ffsjustltb · 06/09/2022 08:54

Pp made a very good point about your family not choosing to be involved in this drama. You say you are abroad, and I hope you are not passing all this onto your sister and mum. It's not fair to them.

Whippetquick · 06/09/2022 08:56

I wouldn't have anything to do with him

diddl · 06/09/2022 09:04

The last time I saw him was 6 months ago and he was so erratic and intense I decided it would be the last time.

Keep remembering that.

You wanted to get to know your father-that's understandable.

He's the same waster he always was.

He's not interested in a relationship with you-just what he can get from you.

mycatisannoying · 06/09/2022 21:23

He is a total waste of space.
Really sorry OP Flowers