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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

stay at home mum that expects husband to clean up after himself

112 replies

athomemama · 05/09/2022 11:14

So I'm a stay at home first time mum. I have worked since I was 16 (33 now) independent and honestly always said I would never be a SAHM!
BUT there wasn't much point in going back to work as it just about covered childcare & fuel. I love spending the time with my LG, yes it's hard work having her on my own all day but we keep busy... and i don't mind cleaning the house and keeping everything running. However, since quitting my job, my husband has become a bit of a.... hmmm... TW@! He'll go to work, play with LG & put her to bed, he'll walk the dog for half hour and then sits down til all hours of the night watching TV & playing the xbox. But he's taking the piss with somethings... He doesn't put anything away after he's used it or clean up after himself... It's driving me insane! I'll spend time cleaning round for him to just make a mess! I've tried talking.. arguing.. shouting.. leaving everything out.. ADDING TO IT.. NOTHING WORKS!!!
Am I being petty? Should I just clean up after a 36 year old adult??
Now, I am not asking him to do a deep friggin clean every night (or at all) I just want him to put his rubbish in the bin instead of on the nice clean counter.. and close the cupboard doors.. and pick his bits of food up after he's dropped it.. and clean up the coffee he spilt... IS THIS TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR??
I worry my daughter is going to put something in her mouth her shouldn't or hurt herself on something he's left out... And just to top it off with how tw@ish he has become.... I am having to tell him WHEN TO SHOWER!!!!! Seriously?!?!?! If I don't say anything, two weeks can go by!! He is giving me the total ick!!! 13 years together and this is how he's become....
WTF do I do???

OP posts:
Brefugee · 05/09/2022 11:17

YABU by being a SAHM if you don't want to do that. Think of your pension, career progression etc but most of all you can swipe away the expectation you do everyting and get a 50/50 going.

Honestly? tell him to put his stuff away and pull his weight.

WoopsIdiditagain1 · 05/09/2022 11:18

Tell him to sort his shit out. You are not his maid. Tell him that his behaviour is giving you the ick. An unwashed man child isn't attractive.

HappyMackerel · 05/09/2022 11:19

Ofc you're not being unreasonable. This is not ok and would drive me crazy. Dont put up with it. Have a serious convo and ask him what it would take for him to tidy up after himself. Explain calmly that what you do is work.

And also maybe keep a foot in job wise. Pension, savings etc so important.

Dogscanteatonions · 05/09/2022 11:19

What a pig - totally up my acceptable - series he think you're his servant? What does he say when you've talked to him? Does he just not see the problem or does he agree and promise he'll get better but then nothing happens?

ihatethefuckingmuffin · 05/09/2022 11:20

Tell him your not his slave to clean up after his smelly arse.
I wouldn’t be sharing the same bed either with a smelly person who doesn’t shower on a regular basis.

BigFatLiar · 05/09/2022 11:23

Nothing to do with being a sahm. People should the good manners to put things away and leave the place fairly tidy. It takes little effort if you clear up as you go.

Filmname · 05/09/2022 11:26

You’re not a poorly treated 1800s maid, you’re a SAHM and his partner, he should have enough respect for you to clean up after himself.

arethereanyleftatall · 05/09/2022 11:27

Well, as it's stands you're on the direct route to divorce. Be it tomorrow or years down the line. If it stays like this, and it's years down the line, you'll wonder why on Earth you didn't do it sooner. You both now have a choice. I am, very happily, divorced now to a man who I guess was similar. I do wonder if I'd have put my foot down far stronger far sooner, we'd have sorted it out. (Kinda glad I didn't though 😂)

Catch21 · 05/09/2022 11:27

Honestly OP I would seriously consider going back to work. IMO being a SAHP only works if your partner genuinely respects your role and the value that you bring to the family. It's clear that yours doesn't, as this is simply disrespectful behaviour. If you go back to work then everything can be shared.

Louise0701 · 05/09/2022 11:27

I would be having serious thoughts about leaving a man who could go 2 weeks without a shower. Are you sharing a bed?

rubyslippers · 05/09/2022 11:28

Catch21 · 05/09/2022 11:27

Honestly OP I would seriously consider going back to work. IMO being a SAHP only works if your partner genuinely respects your role and the value that you bring to the family. It's clear that yours doesn't, as this is simply disrespectful behaviour. If you go back to work then everything can be shared.

This in spades

Mossygreenchypre · 05/09/2022 11:29

Has he always been averse to showering?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 05/09/2022 11:30

I also think you need to go back to work. He doesnt respect you and what you're doing now. If you work he has no excuse for being a slob, and you have an escape route for when you get sick of being with a lazy smelly man

Original poster
athomemama · 05/09/2022 11:30

I quit my job to raise a baby, which I love. General cleaning comes with it, which I don't mind... but picking up after an adult doesn't. Like I said, I have told him to but he doesn't, hence why I'm here...

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 05/09/2022 11:30

Go back to work part time OP- even if for a few years you are no better off- keep your hand in!! You might be glad you did -

ThanksAntsThants · 05/09/2022 11:35

You need to go back to work. It might not be financially worth it now, but by the time your child goes to school you’ll find it much harder to get employment, and your wages will probably have gone backwards. If you want/need financial independence at any point you’ll have shot yourself in the foot. You’ve made yourself financially dependent on a bloke, and a bloke who it turns out is only too happy to take the piss. You should be taking notice of this and acting accordingly.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/09/2022 11:35

What was he like around the house before you had the baby?

Unanananana · 05/09/2022 11:36

You need to go back to work.

I couldn't and wouldn't live with someone who expected me to pick up after them. He has np respect for you. You'll have less work without him around.

I hope you aren't touching or shagging his unwashed penis. He will give you an infection. Gross.

PinkButtercups · 05/09/2022 11:36

2 weeks without a shower?! That's grim.

I'm a SAHM too and I don't pick up after DP. I'm not his mother nor his maid.

It's 50/50 in this house. Just because I'm a SAHM doesn't make me anyones maid or shouldn't be expect to do xx jobs.

girlmom21 · 05/09/2022 11:41

Tell him you're a stay at home parent, not a skivvy.

ThanksAntsThants · 05/09/2022 11:44

Isn’t one of the basic expectations of his employment that he keeps himself presentable, i.e., he doesn’t stink?

I’d get yourself back into employment for when he gets the sack for being a smelly dirty bastard if I were you.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/09/2022 11:44

Of course you’re not unreasonable to expect him to clean up after himself!

Id go back to work in your shoes. The childcare costs are split between both of you, not just from your wage. And then all housework and childcare becomes 50:50.

GoldenSpiral · 05/09/2022 11:51

I'm a SAHM and would not tolerate that kind of bullshit. The fact he doesn't wash is grim.

Novum · 05/09/2022 11:54

athomemama · 05/09/2022 11:30

I quit my job to raise a baby, which I love. General cleaning comes with it, which I don't mind... but picking up after an adult doesn't. Like I said, I have told him to but he doesn't, hence why I'm here...

So what's his response to that? Does he agree that he should do it?

WinterDeWinter · 05/09/2022 11:54

It would have seemed more worth working if the childcare wasn't perceived as 'your' expense rather than a joint one.