stay at home mum that expects husband to clean up after himself

[athomemama]

So I'm a stay at home first time mum. I have worked since I was 16 (33 now) independent and honestly always said I would never be a SAHM!
BUT there wasn't much point in going back to work as it just about covered childcare & fuel. I love spending the time with my LG, yes it's hard work having her on my own all day but we keep busy... and i don't mind cleaning the house and keeping everything running. However, since quitting my job, my husband has become a bit of a.... hmmm... TW@! He'll go to work, play with LG & put her to bed, he'll walk the dog for half hour and then sits down til all hours of the night watching TV & playing the xbox. But he's taking the piss with somethings... He doesn't put anything away after he's used it or clean up after himself... It's driving me insane! I'll spend time cleaning round for him to just make a mess! I've tried talking.. arguing.. shouting.. leaving everything out.. ADDING TO IT.. NOTHING WORKS!!!
Am I being petty? Should I just clean up after a 36 year old adult??
Now, I am not asking him to do a deep friggin clean every night (or at all) I just want him to put his rubbish in the bin instead of on the nice clean counter.. and close the cupboard doors.. and pick his bits of food up after he's dropped it.. and clean up the coffee he spilt... IS THIS TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR??
I worry my daughter is going to put something in her mouth her shouldn't or hurt herself on something he's left out... And just to top it off with how tw@ish he has become.... I am having to tell him WHEN TO SHOWER!!!!! Seriously?!?!?! If I don't say anything, two weeks can go by!! He is giving me the total ick!!! 13 years together and this is how he's become....
WTF do I do???

Bottle of spray cleaner, pack of microfibre cloths. Put his name on them in BIG letters. For him to clean up with.
Doors he leaves open, stick labels on them Close this door.
Cardboard box—- anything he leaves lying around Chuck in the box, he doesn’t sort it after 3 days it goes in the bin.
Set an alarm, a loud one, for him to shower.
Refuse to let him sleep with you if unshowered.
Weekends give him a list of jobs to do, wash paths, cut grass, clean windows, wash bins —- make them the worst jobs you can find. When completed hand him a couple of £1 coins as pocket money.
He wants to behave like a 13 year old, treat him like a 13 year old.

YANBU, but I wonder if any depression is going on with him as he’s not even showering? Turning into a twat usually involves still doing self care. But when it all goes out the window plus all his free time is escapism; these are red flags that his mental health may not be good. Can you get him to open up? Perhaps the shouting and arguing are counter productive?

He has utter contempt for you and sees your job now as being his housemaid and slave.

It’s remarkably common among men when women stay at home because working is unviable.

I’ve just tried an alarm that on Alexa —- you can make her say “shower” or “ go shower” I’m guessing other, less polite, phrases would work too.:)

BUT there wasn't much point in going back to work as it just about covered childcare & fuel...

Sooo many people say this but it's much, much more than just whether your own pay 'breaks even'.

For a start, there are 2 of you to pay for childcare, not just you! And that's without considering longer term consequences...

Sorry? He doesn't shower for 2 weeks unless you remind him?????????????????????

She’s not saying that.

A lot of men do seem to lose respect for their wives/partners when they choose to stay at home. Going back to work swings it back the other way. Not saying this is right - it’s not. I work part time and I have issues with my DH sometimes and I have to remind him I’m not his PA.

There are long term benefits with going back to work that are not immediately obvious - like pension and employability, even if in the first few years the wage is only going paying for childcare.

Unfortunately, OP, from what you have said I see massive disrespect here.

Could he be jealous of the child? Some men actually resent their own child because it takes attention away from them.

Did he actually want this child?

Did he always spend all night playing Xbox?! I have my doubt about the maturity of a 36 y.o. who does this.

IMO you need to have a serious talk with him about this including his lack of personal hygiene.

Also, I would second others who have said you need to go back to work. You need to skill up (if needed) polish up your CV and get yourself back into the workplace to give yourself some financial independence.

You're not being unreasonable at all.

I'm a SAHP but my DH and I have an agreement to not make each other's lives harder. He tidies up after himself no question.

SAHP or not, he is behaving like a child. Your partner is just that - your partner. Not your mother or caregiver.

I would seriously get the ick with the not showering too - wtf?!

You need to have a frank conversation with him. Even my 3 year old puts his rubbish in the bin ffs.

Childcare etc is a joint expense, not yours.

He absolutely should clean up after himself, you're a SAHM, not a personal servant. But if he believes you being at home means you are a servant, and that childcare should be only your expense, you probably don't have the right relationship dynamic for this to work. He's too lazy, entitled and disrespectful.

Might be best to go back to work before his piggishness becomes even more ingrained and you're still expected to clean up after him while working.

I don’t think him not showering is anything to do with you being a SAHM. That’s just grim and him not clearing up after himself is lazy and disrespectful. I’d be going back to work so that I would have an income for when I would be leaving him.

Id go back to work just to be in a position to leave. He sounds repulsive.

This, the shutting down and not showering does sound like he could be depressed

Totally unacceptable. You have to clean up after yourself in an office even though that's not your job - you can't leave dirty plates around and make a mess. It's the same at home.

He goes to work every day without showering? How do you even do that? Wonder what his colleagues think!

You deserve better treatment than this.

The main problem is H's disrespect for you, OP .

If he won't change that, your long term plan needs to include an escape route . Having employment now, even part-time , could be the start of that escape route.

Take a bin bag and just toss all stuff he leaves lying around into it.
Don't sort it out, don't wash it. He will get the message. You don't need a man child. He is being disgusting. Don't even bother cooking for him. Not wiping up spilt coffee on the floor when you have a young girl is dangerous and also for an adult.

If he is depressed, and I agree the showering thing is a concern, it might be that this arrangement isn't working for him. Not everyone wants to be the sole earner and have a partner SAH.

What discussion did you have about deciding to stay home? Was it a joint decision, as it needs to be?

Like others have said, I'd be concerned about his mental health/ general wellbeing. He needs to step up, obviously, but based on his behaviour, i doubt that he'd respond to a ticking off. It would feel good to let rip and let him have a piece of your mind, but that hardly ever bears fruit when someone's in a funk like this.

Try to openly say how his behaviour makes you feel and try to get him to open up, especially if you love him and want a happy relationship together. You can still be absolutely clear about what you expect from him and not sell yourself short.

He goes to work every day but only showers once in two weeks? Is he having some sort of MH crisis because that behaviour is not typical at all.

As for everything else, get a cleaner which he needs to pay for or put everything in a black bag and dump it on his side of the bed or loudly mention to everyone all the time that Dh seems to have lost the ability to wipe stuff he spills, close cupboard doors, etc.

I'm a SAHM and that means I look after the children to save on child care.
Dh still cleans up after himself I do my share but in no way am I his maid, he helps with the chores.
Tell him to help around the house, if you weren't there he'd have to do it as well as find child care or look after his dc.

being a sahm on mumsnet is very much frowned upon obviously! i despair at peoples blidsightedness! the OP said she chose to and wants to bring her child up - so respect her decision and help with the issue in hand - the bloke.

Dont be fooled in going back to work for a pension. your child is so much more important and will be soon in school. work on the other half. you say talking and arguing dont work, so can you go and stay at parents for a fortnight to let him see how it may feel if he pushes you too far? can you get different beds to show your displeasure of living with a smelly sod? Can you leave literature around about how to solve marital issues? and so on. you could text him photos of his mess now and again til he gets the hint. You could loose parts to the games consols? Or have a serious conversation with follow through (most people just say the words and dont carry it through). Maybe he just thought that as you are at home, its ok to be like that... or maybe there's something deep that is worrying him and he is hiding it. Good luck OP.

the OP said she chose to and wants to bring her child up - so respect her decision and help with the issue in hand - the bloke.

But it needs to be his decision too. I've reread the OP and she doesn't mention anything about there being a discussion and how he feels about it. What's the situation there, OP?

Could you go away for a week or so (stay at parents maybe?) and see if he clears up after himself then or leaves the mess still.