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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

stay at home mum that expects husband to clean up after himself

112 replies

athomemama · 05/09/2022 11:14

So I'm a stay at home first time mum. I have worked since I was 16 (33 now) independent and honestly always said I would never be a SAHM!
BUT there wasn't much point in going back to work as it just about covered childcare & fuel. I love spending the time with my LG, yes it's hard work having her on my own all day but we keep busy... and i don't mind cleaning the house and keeping everything running. However, since quitting my job, my husband has become a bit of a.... hmmm... TW@! He'll go to work, play with LG & put her to bed, he'll walk the dog for half hour and then sits down til all hours of the night watching TV & playing the xbox. But he's taking the piss with somethings... He doesn't put anything away after he's used it or clean up after himself... It's driving me insane! I'll spend time cleaning round for him to just make a mess! I've tried talking.. arguing.. shouting.. leaving everything out.. ADDING TO IT.. NOTHING WORKS!!!
Am I being petty? Should I just clean up after a 36 year old adult??
Now, I am not asking him to do a deep friggin clean every night (or at all) I just want him to put his rubbish in the bin instead of on the nice clean counter.. and close the cupboard doors.. and pick his bits of food up after he's dropped it.. and clean up the coffee he spilt... IS THIS TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR??
I worry my daughter is going to put something in her mouth her shouldn't or hurt herself on something he's left out... And just to top it off with how tw@ish he has become.... I am having to tell him WHEN TO SHOWER!!!!! Seriously?!?!?! If I don't say anything, two weeks can go by!! He is giving me the total ick!!! 13 years together and this is how he's become....
WTF do I do???

OP posts:
TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 05/09/2022 11:54

I 'get' that you WANT to be at home with your baby & I understand that.

how old is your child now?

nring married is a good start.

but whether you like it or not, you NEED to protect yourself financially & that includes staying employable.

its pretty irrelevant how a DH treats his wife in the early years, it can still go arse up in years to come & if a woman has given up her career/pension contribution she can still be screwed.

however, when they show you from the beginning that they have no respect for you, the writing is on the wall that the woman needs to protect herself!!

I understand what you mean about feeling it's pointless working & paying someone else to look after your baby & financially being no better off (as a couple) .. but honestly, there are 'hidden' benefits.

  • employability - leading to future financial security
  • pension
  • respect from DH & him doing 50/50 & picking up after himsekf
  • often self confidence, especially when DH treats you as a skivvy

I DO understand how you're feeling, but you really DO need to think about these other factors. DH not picking up after himself is not the only issue here.

felulageller · 05/09/2022 11:57

Go back to work.

It's only temporary that you break even. The benefits are lifelong.

WaltzingWaters · 05/09/2022 11:58

He sounds disgusting and completely disrespectful of the job you’re doing as a SAHM, especially considering he has only started acting this way since you left your job. You need to have serious words with him and let him know just how bad it is.

Time40 · 05/09/2022 11:58

BUT there wasn't much point in going back to work as it just about covered childcare & fuel

It looks like that if you see childcare are your expense, but childcare isn't just your expense. It's a joint expense.

You need to go back to work, OP.

Novum · 05/09/2022 11:59

With DC1 I was a SAHM for 18 months. During that period DH, who is normally pretty hands-on, clearly thought that I had nothing to do and not only left me to do all the housework but also assumed I would become his PA, assigning various phone calls etc to me to make because he was allegedly so busy. Ultimately I went back to work because we needed the money, and his attitude reverted back to a 50/50 partnership almost overnight.

However, you shouldn't need to go back to work for your husband to stop regarding you as his slave. You need a serious conversation about what it would take to get him to step up to the mark, and warn him that if he doesn't sort himself out he's going to find all his crumbs and mess dumped in his bed and you won't be cooking or washing for him any more.

fatgirlslimmer · 05/09/2022 12:07

Contrary to popular opinion I loved being a SAHM and did most of the housework, life admin etc.

The main questions are what was he like before you stopped work, when did he change? What did you agree on how it would work when you decided to SAH?

What else has changed, and showering, does he go to work dirty and smelly?

whynotwhatknot · 05/09/2022 12:08

Yanbu but the shower thing is nothing to with you being at home was he always like this

SavingsThreads · 05/09/2022 12:08

Does her refuse, or agree then not change?

Going back to work isn't the solution PP's say it is, it's hardly going to make him shower!

AquaticSewingMachine · 05/09/2022 12:12

SavingsThreads · 05/09/2022 12:08

Does her refuse, or agree then not change?

Going back to work isn't the solution PP's say it is, it's hardly going to make him shower!

It's not supposed to make him shower. It's supposed to redress the power balance and give OP the ability to leave the lazy stinky git, and to make sure that if that day comes some years hence, her pension and employability didn't get fucked in the meantime.

Meraas · 05/09/2022 12:12

He doesn’t shower for 2 weeks? 🤢🤮

And treats you like a servant.

Give him an ultimatum and mean it. Then leave the twat.

diddl · 05/09/2022 12:13

SavingsThreads · 05/09/2022 12:08

Does her refuse, or agree then not change?

Going back to work isn't the solution PP's say it is, it's hardly going to make him shower!

Absolutely!

Plus Op will be working and doing everything she already does not to mention getting her daughter ready & taking her to childcare!

tulips27 · 05/09/2022 12:13

whynotwhatknot · 05/09/2022 12:08

Yanbu but the shower thing is nothing to with you being at home was he always like this

It might be if he wants someone to act like his Mum (eww), to the point of telling him when to shower.

Starseeking · 05/09/2022 12:13

arethereanyleftatall · 05/09/2022 11:27

Well, as it's stands you're on the direct route to divorce. Be it tomorrow or years down the line. If it stays like this, and it's years down the line, you'll wonder why on Earth you didn't do it sooner. You both now have a choice. I am, very happily, divorced now to a man who I guess was similar. I do wonder if I'd have put my foot down far stronger far sooner, we'd have sorted it out. (Kinda glad I didn't though 😂)

Same here.

This man is showing you a complete lack of respect, and believes you to be his servant. If it doesn't improve when you set boundaries, it only gets worse. Much worse. Once, my EX emptied his bowels and left a full toilet for me to surprise me; I believe it's called a dirty protest, after I asked him to put his plate in the sink, instead of leaving it in the living room in front of the TV.

I refused to pick up after my EX leaving piles of dirty clothes on the bedroom floor, with him expecting me to clear them away, then calling me lazy when I stepped over them to leave the room. And I worked as many hours out of the house as he did!

I'd give him 3 months to improve and maintain this, though I guarantee you'll be back here saying nothings changed.

Meltingsocks · 05/09/2022 12:15

Get back to work, this man doesn't respect you

BigFatLiar · 05/09/2022 12:17

Time40 · 05/09/2022 11:58

BUT there wasn't much point in going back to work as it just about covered childcare & fuel

It looks like that if you see childcare are your expense, but childcare isn't just your expense. It's a joint expense.

You need to go back to work, OP.

I don't think she sees it as her expense simply that there's no financial benefit to going back just now.

If he earns X and she could bring in Y and childcare costs Y then she may as well stay at home and care for her own child. Some mums like looking after their child & home.

LindaEllen · 05/09/2022 12:29

Nah, mine is the same (difference being I'm WFH not SAHM). Thinks he can just leave shit lying round because he Goes To Work. Driving. Me. Mad.

Hyacinth2 · 05/09/2022 12:30

Not showering for 2 weeks is weird.i would try marriage counselling - might achieve more than you 'nagging'

carefullycourageous · 05/09/2022 12:32

In our family both of us have had reasonable periods of being SAHP. Neither of us did personal care for the other. So family tasks - cooking, putting a load of washing on - yes. Personal tasks - ironing own smart clothes, booking own hair appts - no.

Many times we have changed who does what based on who is working what % at any given time, who has the more draining job, who has other things going on (e.g. helping a relative outside the home).

So, I think YANBU. He is out of order, whether you are working or not.

Dibbydoos · 05/09/2022 12:32

Brefugee · 05/09/2022 11:17

YABU by being a SAHM if you don't want to do that. Think of your pension, career progression etc but most of all you can swipe away the expectation you do everyting and get a 50/50 going.

Honestly? tell him to put his stuff away and pull his weight.

Really? So she's signed up to being a slave to a person capable of tidying up after himself??? Get real. He tidied after himself before, he can do it now.

She is a SAHM not a 24/7 365 cleaner.

@Brefugee get your head our of your arse. Woman, esp SAHMs are not slaves!

AliceAbsolum · 05/09/2022 12:33

I'd set down an ultimatum - put some boundaries in. This is not ok.

Somethingneedstochange · 05/09/2022 12:33

He's being a slob take pictures of him being a slob and tell him you're not his slave. Tell him he needs to improve his personal hygiene. But at least he plays with your dd and walk's the dog.

carefullycourageous · 05/09/2022 12:34

carefullycourageous · 05/09/2022 12:32

In our family both of us have had reasonable periods of being SAHP. Neither of us did personal care for the other. So family tasks - cooking, putting a load of washing on - yes. Personal tasks - ironing own smart clothes, booking own hair appts - no.

Many times we have changed who does what based on who is working what % at any given time, who has the more draining job, who has other things going on (e.g. helping a relative outside the home).

So, I think YANBU. He is out of order, whether you are working or not.

Should add - if either of us said 'please can you iron this shirt for my interview, I am rushed for time' we would do it happily - but it was never my job to get him ready or his job to get me ready.

RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime · 05/09/2022 12:36

No, you shouldn’t be picking up after him. He should be behaving like a decent person. And I don’t agree that it will be solved by you going back to work, as a man like this won’t suddenly start doing his share of housework and childcare. You’ll end up doing both. However you may well find that you want to leave him at some point and being in work (maybe part time, as you’ll still probably be left with all the domestic work) will help with that.

Fundays12 · 05/09/2022 12:51

He is behaving like a man child. It’s not on I do majority of the housework, food shopping, school runs, activities etc with our 3 kids as I only work weekends but if dh started dropping everything at his bum I would hit the roof. I am his wife not servant. The kids don’t even get away what that and the youngest is 3.

Festoonlights · 05/09/2022 12:53

God, I would be considering my options.

I would kick him out of the bedroom, and no longer do his washing/cleaning/etc until he cleans up after himself, showers and does household jobs. Just stop cooking for him, washing everything. Effectively going on strike. He is losing respect for you as a person, and contempt won't be far behind.

I would throw the Xbox out. I would not put up with any of this op.