stay at home mum that expects husband to clean up after himself

[athomemama]

So I'm a stay at home first time mum. I have worked since I was 16 (33 now) independent and honestly always said I would never be a SAHM!
BUT there wasn't much point in going back to work as it just about covered childcare & fuel. I love spending the time with my LG, yes it's hard work having her on my own all day but we keep busy... and i don't mind cleaning the house and keeping everything running. However, since quitting my job, my husband has become a bit of a.... hmmm... TW@! He'll go to work, play with LG & put her to bed, he'll walk the dog for half hour and then sits down til all hours of the night watching TV & playing the xbox. But he's taking the piss with somethings... He doesn't put anything away after he's used it or clean up after himself... It's driving me insane! I'll spend time cleaning round for him to just make a mess! I've tried talking.. arguing.. shouting.. leaving everything out.. ADDING TO IT.. NOTHING WORKS!!!
Am I being petty? Should I just clean up after a 36 year old adult??
Now, I am not asking him to do a deep friggin clean every night (or at all) I just want him to put his rubbish in the bin instead of on the nice clean counter.. and close the cupboard doors.. and pick his bits of food up after he's dropped it.. and clean up the coffee he spilt... IS THIS TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR??
I worry my daughter is going to put something in her mouth her shouldn't or hurt herself on something he's left out... And just to top it off with how tw@ish he has become.... I am having to tell him WHEN TO SHOWER!!!!! Seriously?!?!?! If I don't say anything, two weeks can go by!! He is giving me the total ick!!! 13 years together and this is how he's become....
WTF do I do???

I think with the divorce laws and maintenance laws in this country being a SAHM is very risky.

My colleagues wife went back with twins, nursery left her with £100 a month from her physiotherapy manager wages but she still had a job if they’d split up.

Agree he might be depressed and you need to think of work in the long run.

When you say that work plus fuel doesn't pay - I'd say you're falling into the trap of thinking of childcare as solely your responsibility. It shouldn't be 'does childcare cost more than or roughly the same as the mother's salary', it should be 'is childcare affordable as a proportion of our combined incomes'. If you earn less than childcare costs but you can afford it on your combined income, it's still worth doing if you prefer to continue to work rather than staying home and being financially dependent.

Like others have said, I agree:

#1 - That you should go back to work. But not necessarily to “share” childcare and housework 50/50. We both worked full time yet once the baby came along, husband suddenly forgot where the laundry hamper and the kitchen sink were. No amount of begging, complaining, or reasoning would get him to clean up after himself; the only thing that worked would be my threatening to quit my job and become a full-time SAHM. That lit a fire under him.

No, you should go back to work because if when the marriage becomes unbearable, at least you’ll have your financial independence.

#2 - Perhaps there is a mental health crisis happening with him and counseling/therapy would help him work through it.

If it doesn’t, see #1.

When you say that work plus fuel doesn't pay - I'd say you're falling into the trap of thinking of childcare as solely your responsibility. It shouldn't be 'does childcare cost more than or roughly the same as the mother's salary', it should be 'is childcare affordable as a proportion of our combined incomes'. If you earn less than childcare costs but you can afford it on your combined income, it's still worth doing if you prefer to continue to work rather than staying home and being financially dependent.

100% agree with this ^^

Previous posters are assuming that the dhs pay doesnt all go on the bills with v little left over...

He has no respect for you. You need to have a conversation and be firm and specific "this is what has been happening, it appears to be that you believe I should do absolutely everything for you. If the only way to make life more equitable is for me to go back to work, I will do that." And be clear that he will be doing half the pickups etc and the added chores which have appeared with a baby.

I don't think you're going to get him to do anything without going back to work, unfortunately. Anyone willing to go two weeks without a shower (he presumably shares a bed with you? Fucking revolting honestly, ask him how the fuck he would feel if you did the same) is unlikely to be someone who can be reasoned with, imo

Sounds like my DH. Except I've returned to work, but now WFH to allow me to do nursery pick up and drop off.

It's like he's forgotten that drawers close as well as open, and that it's the dishwasher that cleans his dish's not a magical worktop.

I've asked nicely, we've argued, I've cried and told him how unloved it makes be feel. But at most things improve for a couple of days.

It's gradually destroying our relationship. If you find a solution beyond divorce I'd love to know.

His shower situation is not pleasant but he has a choice there.
I'd be curiously asking his reasons behind it, is he worried about money so not taking showers to reduce bills?

I am a SAHM (well, since the dch started school I've worked part time) in a similar situation to you, OP. I am DH's partner and his equal, but I don't bring in an equal amount of income and therefore I see myself as supporting him by doing most of the chores, but I'm not a servant. He will e.g make coffee and leave the jar out. He knows I like it put away and he will if clearing up, but I think he tninks it's easier, during the day, to leave it out, but also, as with other things (like all the cupboard doors being left open) I think he genuinely doesn't notice. He is thinking about other stuff and 'now put the coffee away' gets pushed out. So, I have a dilemma - tell/ask him again, or jdi myself? I say, pick your battles, or you risk being seen as a nag and him just ignoring all of what you ask. For me, dealing with his chewed chicken bones etc (I'm veggie) is a no-no and I tell him every time. He understands and mostly he remembers. The shower thing - he needs to be told he IBU. Poor you, and his poor workmates!

No one should be cleaning up after a 36 year old bloke whether at home or not FFS! Being told when to wash sounds like a 15 year old!

Just wanted to say, you're not alone!!

I'm going back to work tomorrow after a long mat leave of 14 months and my husband has gotten soooo lazy. Exactly the same things you've described in your post (except the shower thing - that's ick 😳)

I'm super worried about how it's going to go when I'm back to work... He doesn't do it maliciously, he's just blind to it all.

i remember reading this

www.gbnews.uk/news/author-says-wife-rightly-divorced-him-for-occasionally-leaving-dirty-plates-by-the-sink/255990#:~:text=Author%20Matthew%20Fray%20says%20his%20wife%20was%20right,34th%20birthday%2C%20taking%20their%20four-year-old%20toddler%20with%20her.

ladies you need to not pick up your lazy DH cups, clothes etc. If he isn't going to change you need to. That will require you to leave his dirty items etc for him and only clean up after yourself. As far as I am concerned men that behave like that are misogynists who believe its a womans job. You end up sounding like a nag whilst they continue to treat you with no respect whilst continuining to clean up after these lazy men.Funny enough it tends to happen after the first DC appears. You need to think what your showing your DC by putting up with this

He's not blind to it, he is pretending he is blind to it. It might not be malicious but it's selfish.

Well you’re not being unreasonable no.
A grown adult who can’t put rubbish in the bin or take a shower without being reminded and sits around playing computer games with the majority of his free time…. no one is signing up for that.

The SAHM is a red herring here, because these things aren’t really related to you being at home or not. Yes SAHP tends to take the bulk of the cleaning and home admin but not the the extent where the working parent can’t fuck a fucking crisp packet in the bin or wash his balls once a week.

I don’t have any suggestions really other than go around and pick up all his shit into a black sack before You go to bed each night then dump it out the back door. Yes it’s more cleaning for you but it’d feel therapeutic!

Go back to work.

He sounds revolting.

Stop doing his washing and feed yourself and baby only.

It is highly unlikely your relationship will ladt so start getting organised.

Very hard that it has turned out so badly.

Well if you're not going to leave him, you need to get his attention. Sleep in a different bed. Don't cook for him, have your meal before he arrives home. Don't do any of his washing or ironing. Don't do anything for him at all. He'll soon notice. Mine did, but it had already gone too far so I left him 3 years later than I should have done. Don't waste your life on him. It was quite hilarious the day he realised there was no washed/ironed uniform shirt at 5am one moring which left him no choice to wear a dirty one. Sure got his attention though ;0)

get your head our of your arse. Woman, esp SAHMs are not slaves!

except @Dibbydoos i said nothing of the sort so get your own head out of your arse. The idea that I would even consider telling a woman to wait on a man is so laughable that i think you're being an idiot on purpose.

What i did say is that OP should consider going to work for pension and other reasons.
And because (and I didn't actually spell this out but here we are) because she needs to get out of that marriage.

You have my husband. No amount of asking, pleading, begging, shouting, ignoring has worked. He still leaves food on the floor and screwed up tissues for me to deal with. After 30 years im trying to figure out a way to leave. Its not looking promising tbh

Tell him you've spoken to friends about his hygiene don't specify who but you wanted to know if their men were like this and if they had slobbish habits. Also your doctor. and his mum if he has one.

I'd email this to him when he's at work or text so he's a whole day to stew on it. Pack a bag grab the child and stay with relatives or friends.

He'll either want to make amends or a separation. Leastway you'll know

When he's got no dinner, clean pants or toothpaste, he'll notice.

I'm guessing you could do with a bath too 😉

I wouldn't be picking up those tissues

you didn't sign up for a 36 yo Manchild to go with your new baby. He's a waste of space.

It's a bit short sighted to give up your work just because you would only be breaking-even for a couple of years. Yes those years are annoying but when your child starts school you will have lost a lot more than 2 years wages. Your earning power and employability disappears unreasonably quickly. But if it's the right choice for you then fair enough, IF you are with a mature and non-sexist partner who respects you as an equal. this man ain't one of those.

In a healthy adult partnership with a SAHP it is understood that the childcare and household chores are nominally a 50:50 responsibility but if it happens that it's more convenient for one person to do more of them while the other earns a wage for the family, then it is most certainly the case that the amount of relaxing-with-nothing-to-do time, the amount of uninteruppted sleep, and the amount of discretionary post-bills spending money from the wages of the earning partner are all definitely split50:50.

New behaviours of suddenly leaving things out, spending hours gaming and no longer showering are a bit odd. Especially when he is still engaging with DD, dog walking etc so hasn't completely given up all responsibility. Is there something wrong with him do you think?

Get a cleaner to do a bit (and have him pay for it because s/he is there to counterbalance his burden. it takes time to pick up after him so make him take responsibility for this time/hours. He's not an infant).

Develop gentle strategies to train him. When he leaves his stuff lying around, collect up all his random bits (don't sort it out) and put it in a box/bag on the stairs etc.

Jumpers coats shoes - don't fold, just heap/pile it in a place/corner - to encourage him to hang/tidy up. If your LG leaves fingerprints on stuff he's left out - so be it.

Let there be a consequence to his actions - Leave his mugs lying about for him/at his desk etc and his consoles. Things that are not cared for get damaged and/or lost, especially in a house with kids and pets.

Tell him he smells and you think people are noticing. Tell him his looks grubby and other people are looking/noticing.

Really this is about respect and responsibility. I'd go away for a day or two and leave him with LG too (without organising all the clothes, meals and activities for them).

Also loads of gaming and TV has a negative health/effects. Its addictive and hovers up masses of time. Do you do it together or when he games are you doing housework and cooking ? When he works are you looking after your LG ie being the unpaid nanny and doing admin? Then do you have to be his maid ?. Where's the balance for you. Even a housekeeper or nanny has set hours ! Just stick his gaming console in a pile with whatever other bits he's left out/used, wrappers, mugs etc and leave it for him for the next day next to the screen.

And yes possibly some sort of Flexi-work or child group volunteering to rebalance you if that's what it takes.