To think my partner acted like an absolute child!

[Shineshinecoast10]

Over the weeked me, DS, DP and her DD were at an event. I brought 2 camp chairs and thought she would bring along hers. She didn't. So we had 2 between 4 of us. Anyway I didn't mind standing. Me and DS came back from the toilet and DP and her DD were sitting on the chairs. My DS sat on the floor. I politely asked DP if he could sit on the chair instead.
She got in the biggest strop. Involved her DD and told her DD to get out of the seat and they both went and sat on the floor. I said her DD was fine to sit in the seat and I didn't want her DD to move. They both wouldn't talk to us and she created a frosty atmosphere.
My DS who is 6 then went up to them both to show them something. She made a comment to him saying I thought you wanted to sit down, go on, go sit down. It was me who asked for him to sit down not him.

I jumped in here and said this comment was uncalled for and for her to stop it. I didn't get an apology for the childish behaviour.

If it were the other way around I would not have minded giving my seat up for her DD. Me and DP are adults and I don't think a fuss should be made.

AIBU to think she behaved like a bratty child?

Your partner sounds very selfish. And rude. And controlling.

if she wanted seats, she should have brought them.

it is not OPs job to remind her to bring chairs/rain jackets/sunscreen etc. she is an adult and should be used to being responsible for herself and her son. This isn’t something that needs to be discussed.

id be giving her a huge body swerve from now on.

This.

You should not be having difficulty with this situation.

Your child is so small and needs protecting from this woman.

You need to put your child ahead of yourself.

Anything else is very wrong.

I really wouldn’t entertain a relationship with anyone who could be so rude to my child, especially when they are so small.
Find someone who respects you and is worth your time!

You were ok with her 'getting mucky' on the floor though?

We are adults I don't see a problem with standing. It was only for a few hours

Whilst your partner did behaved childishly. I do find it odd that you asked her to move. I would think a 6 year old doesn’t have priority over an adult with a seat. An 86 year old would be different! They sit on the floor all the time at school. It really wasn’t necessary. I would be a bit put out to as I have back pain that I don’t really complain about. Your partner thinks you treat your child like a prince and it’s getting on her nerves so she is being passive aggressive.

OP’s partner’s child was also on a chair. So, by your logic, does she not also treat her child like royalty?

If you had back pain, one would think you’d look into the seating arrangements beforehand, as opposed to assuming someone else would take care of it.

She shouldnt have reacted like that. But i probably would have sat the children on the floor too 🙈

Why coulnt her daughter sit on the floor

No, SHE was OK getting mucky, given she hadn't brought her own chairs.

Why are so many missing the point of this thread? It isn't about the chairs, it is the way the woman made a little child feel by her childish bullying. Do you really think you add anything when you point out that children should sit on the floor? You are just condoning awful behaviour.

She didn’t sit her child on the floor, though. She gave her a chair.

Yes thank you.

Tbh it was the attitude and behaviour after what was really the problem. She may have been miffed about not having a chair, fine. But like you say being unkind to a 6 year old when it wasn't his fault wasn't OK.

You sound very passive, OP. What did you say to her at the time? When she came out with the nonsense re you not coming over, what did you say then? Have you, at any point, gone ‘this is unacceptable behaviour’? If not, then why not?

I agree that you should probably end this relationship, but I also think you should examine your passivity. You don’t need to tolerate poor behaviour.

I think I need to leave this relationship.
Well done Sunshine.
I said it upthread, but will bang on again here - it won't be easy (simple, but not easy) as you will grieve for the person you hoped she was & the relationship you wanted to have.

Last night I would normally see her as it's my child free night. I decided not to because I'm tired and I knew her and her DD are and will be getting ready for school. I've been working on my boundaries in therapy and for once decided to put myself first and say i wished to stay at home last night.
Keep up the therapy & well done mate.
You don't owe anyone your time just because ...

She the proceeded to say later she felt unloved starting from last night because I hadn't made an effort to come over ( I normally always do).
Equally, you could feel unloved because it's always you doing the running & she doesn't make an effort to come to you.
So YOU feel unloved.
But you wouldn't do that, because you are not a spoiled princess who expects the other party to kowtow to their wishes.

Saying she felt like this relationship was a friendship etc. I had phoned her before and asked if she minded and she said no of course not and now all this behaviour.
Seesawing is a common tactic with manipulators.
Also gaslighters. Not saying this instance is gaslighting - but it's a big red flag:
"Darling, would you like to come to this new play in town with me?"
"Yes I'd love that thank you for asking."
Later on ...
"Darling have I done something wrong? - you've had a face like thunder all evening"
"I can't believe you made me trek all the way to town to see that boring rubbish, You KNOW I hate theatre & prefer action films!"
"Darling I am so sorry - I hoped you'd enjoy it, especially the posh dinner afterwards"
"Stop trying to dress it up, you only suggested theatre to upset me, & YOU NOW OWE ME BIG TIME."

Bit of a ridiculous example - but you see the analogy, & where that relationship is going, yeah?
The poor guy, so battered by a constant stream of this behaviour that he ends up totally in thrall to a mercurial, selfish woman.

Don't be that guy!
Keep posting for support about how to end it etc.

Yes I told her last night her behaviour was not ok. I also told her, her behaviour Saturday was not acceptable either. She said she wanted to talk about it in person so she isn't misunderstood. I don't think I want to listen to what she has to say because tbh I don't know how she will justify it

I don't think I want to listen to what she has to say because tbh I don't know how she will justify it

Don't bother then.

Just tell her you've had enough & that's it!

I don't think I want to listen to what she has to say because tbh I don't know how she will justify it

This is clearly a relationship that has run its course. Just move on. To be honest, it seemed like such a minor thing for adults to fall out over, with far too much drama all round. Life’s too short, especially if the kids are getting caught in the middle of it.

Whilst I agree she was immature, there as such a thing as first come first serve. Children can sit on the floor.

In the old days the children would get up for the adults.

Either way the relationship is fucked if he is writing on here. There will be more to this story of course that we don’t know about. Another failed relationship for both of them.

Whilst I agree she was immature, there as such a thing as first come first serve.

How does that work when it's chairs that Op took for themselves & son to use?

Yes I told her last night her behaviour was not ok. I also told her, her behaviour Saturday was not acceptable either. She said she wanted to talk about it in person so she isn't misunderstood. I don't think I want to listen to what she has to say because tbh I don't know how she will justify it

FFS no in-person "talks".
From manipulative people, "we need to talk face to face" is a dog-whistle for "I will browbeat you until I get my own way."
See also "& if I don't get my own way, I will say such terrible things that you will be in emotional turmoil & blaming yourself for weeks".

Are you aware of the following techniques?
DARVO (which she will do to you, the above example in previous post is an illustration of it. DARVO often leads to, or is used by, accomplished gaslighters)
www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/

JADE
Do not justify, argue, defend or explain yourself.
Manipulators pounce on anything you say, & twist it to bully & DARVO you with
outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain

Grey Rock
Making yourself as bland as possible is a counter to the temptation to slip into JADE
www.e-counseling.com/mental-health/what-is-the-grey-rock-method/

When you are ready to ditch your manipulator, do it by phone or text. Text is better for you, obviously, but if you feel you 'owe' her a conversation, do it by phone & not in person. Because even that phone call is going to be harrowing.
Keep it simple "we've had a lot of fun but this is no longer working for me so I am going to wish you well & remember the good times fondly, but I can no longer sustain a relationship with you."

That's it.
That's all you have to put over.
She will obviously want to string it out for drama, for the chance to manipulate, bully & persuade you. She will guilt-trip, rage, plead, or even threaten self-harm if you allow her to keep communicating with you. This is known as an
Extinction Burst
fortestrong.com/extinction-burst-what-is-it-and-how-can-you-use-it-to-your-advantage/#:~:text=An%20extinction%20burst%20is%20a%20sudden%20and%20temporary,this%20phenomenon%20let%20me%20tell%20you%20a%20story.

Hence your need to avoid any protracted Big Melodrama Goodbye Scene.
You don't owe her the big scene.
Bitch bullied your son, remember?

You may be wise to talk to your therapist before dumping her, to rehearse your part in it & understand how she is going to want to come back at you. If so - GREY ROCK until you have that session safely under your belt.
If not, & you just want this done with now -
"I hear you saying you feel unloved. I can't help you with that - we've had a lot of fun" etc etc just as in italics above.

Another failed relationship for both of them.

What a sententious, unnecessary & spiteful little comment @Hokeycokeyy

OP could equally think "that was an ok relationship while it lasted. But she became too demanding, intense & manipulative for me to continue exposing myself or my son to it."

Another failed relationship for both of them.

Or people might just as glibly say, when a couple walk down the aisle -
"Another failed attempt at happy singledom for both of them."

Would you find that jarring, @Hokeycokeyy ?

Can you see the value judgement now - that you clearly value coupled-up folk more highly than singletons? Nasty.

Tbh I was always raised and my children are raised the same that seating goes in priority of oldest there. Its a respect thing. So whilst I can definitely see why she would have been annoyed, the person she should have taken it up with in private was you. Being mean to your 6 year old over it is not on at all whatever her issue is.

That does sound bad another failed relationship I know. But if this keeps happening you have to question yourself.

i do get the feeling mums net is full of people who have broken down relationships as there seems to be a lot of dump them!!! At the smallest thing.

I do find it odd as that an adult was expected to stand for a child. And I can tell you if DH asked me to stand for our child age 6 (which he wouldn’t) I would tell him no don’t be so stupid!