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AIBU?

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Original poster

Forgive and forget? (MIL!)

125 replies

Reagol · 04/09/2022 06:55

MIL made a comment that I overheard (I assume she didn't think I could hear) and I was very offended. Alluded to not trusting me, with absolutely no reason not to.

I've done quite a lot to help her over the past 15 years and thought we had a positive relationship so I was gutted.

I confronted her as soon as it was said, and told her I was utterly confused by her comment and very offended. She tried to wriggle out of it but we both knew what she was getting at.

DH completely backed me up, was offended on my behalf, and told her she'd upset me. She said "well, I'M upset now" and hung up on him.

There was no contact for a week, until DH phoned her. He suggested she apologise to me, and after a few days I received a WhatsApp from her saying "Sorry."

Should I let it go?

OP posts:
IScreamAtMichaelangelos · 04/09/2022 06:59

I think I'd say 'Thank you for your apology' (even if it was really grudging and shit) and let it go. You've seen what she thinks or you though, which is a shame.

Mumspair1 · 04/09/2022 06:59

Nah, don't let it go. She showed her true colors after 15tears, got caught and called out and decides to stick by what she said. Her pathetic apology doesn't cut it. Letting it go gives her the entitlement to do it again, knowing you will get over it.

Andromachehadabadday · 04/09/2022 07:01

Personally, I would accept the apology. But the relationship would have changed and I would be polite but not overly warm.

You don’t need to share it, but it really depends on what was said, though.

Original poster
Reagol · 04/09/2022 07:01

IScreamAtMichaelangelos · 04/09/2022 06:59

I think I'd say 'Thank you for your apology' (even if it was really grudging and shit) and let it go. You've seen what she thinks or you though, which is a shame.

Thank you - so it's not just me that thinks it was a shit apology!!

And only because DH forced her, it doesn't seem genuine.

I feel like now I know how she truly feels, I don't want to speak to her again. 😞

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 04/09/2022 07:03

IScreamAtMichaelangelos · 04/09/2022 06:59

I think I'd say 'Thank you for your apology' (even if it was really grudging and shit) and let it go. You've seen what she thinks or you though, which is a shame.

I think this is probably best.

I would consider it a blessing in disguise that you've seen her true colours now and permanently distance yourself from her as much as you can.

The only way back I could see would be if you think she has any grounds at all for what she said or if (for example) she may be being manipulated by someone else (such as if money was going missing etc and she's collared the wrong person).

Darkness22 · 04/09/2022 07:06

Accept the apology and do fuck all for her again. Let everything go through dh.

What did she actually say though?

KatherineJaneway · 04/09/2022 07:06

Depends on what was said

CareBear50 · 04/09/2022 07:07

Her comment and unheartfelt apology has irrevocably changed your relationship.

I'd leave it, but I'd definitely take quite a large step back from dealing with her in future. I'd be polite but much less involved and much less willing to help. She has caused this.

Original poster
Reagol · 04/09/2022 07:13

I make so the effort; I organise a present and card for her birthday, I organise the meet ups so we see her every month, I call to make sure she's okay, sort out stuff like her broadband and car MOT, so I'm incredibly hurt.

If it was left to DH, he would make zero effort, so I think I'm going to step back and tell DH it's his responsibility now.

Trouble is, she'll think I'm forcing DH not to see her, when the truth is, he just doesn't bother!

OP posts:
Original poster
Reagol · 04/09/2022 07:14

Her comment and unheartfelt apology has irrevocably changed your relationship

Absolutely, this is it in a nutshell. I want to get past it, I just can't.

OP posts:
AperolWhore · 04/09/2022 07:15

I would be loathed to accept the apology but for the sake of family I would however, I would stop all visits, calls and doing things for her. Unfortunately this will change your relationship going forward but she’s shown her true colours now and you can be in control going forward.

girlmom21 · 04/09/2022 07:16

I'd accept it for DH's sake but stop making the effort

PersonaNonGarter · 04/09/2022 07:17

It really does depend what was said, obviously.

However, I would accept the apology and move on. There’s really nothing to be gained.

NCgoingdry · 04/09/2022 07:19

For me this would be the perfect opportunity I've been waiting YEARS for to finally get her out of my life. Alas my MIL is too smart and manipulative.

Accept because then you're the gracious one. But then have FA to do with her after this. Let her son manage his own relationship with her.

Do you have DCs yet? Be interesting to watch her come back begging when you do.

Cherymac89 · 04/09/2022 07:22

My child is 3 and has taken to drawing on walls just happened to be playing next door and she did it there.. I know it’s not right for her to do it and I apologised to my neighbour for it. The next day my child and the child next door were talking through the fence and the next doors child told her she had no manners, now correct me if I’m wrong but for that child to say that to mine, she clearly has heard someone say that about my child? I refuse to let my child go back in there. I’m I wrong for doing this?

Milkand2sugarsplease · 04/09/2022 07:25

Definitely take a step back and leave DH to it a bit more . If she raises any questions with him about you not letting him see her or anything, let him answer them truthfully.

custardbear · 04/09/2022 07:26

My MIL said something horrible (can't even remember what it was now because she's often nasty - even our children can't stand going to see her) and sent an 'apology' by WhatsApp - started with I'm sorry... but ....
I just ignored it, she was clearly just reiterating the insult and I wasn't going to get involved.

lisavanderpumpscloset · 04/09/2022 07:26

Reagol · 04/09/2022 07:13

I make so the effort; I organise a present and card for her birthday, I organise the meet ups so we see her every month, I call to make sure she's okay, sort out stuff like her broadband and car MOT, so I'm incredibly hurt.

If it was left to DH, he would make zero effort, so I think I'm going to step back and tell DH it's his responsibility now.

Trouble is, she'll think I'm forcing DH not to see her, when the truth is, he just doesn't bother!

Don't tell him you're stepping back, just do it. Make that change and get on with your life.

And don't bother worrying what she thinks, clearly it no longer matters.

Mumspair1 · 04/09/2022 07:28

Cherymac89 · 04/09/2022 07:22

My child is 3 and has taken to drawing on walls just happened to be playing next door and she did it there.. I know it’s not right for her to do it and I apologised to my neighbour for it. The next day my child and the child next door were talking through the fence and the next doors child told her she had no manners, now correct me if I’m wrong but for that child to say that to mine, she clearly has heard someone say that about my child? I refuse to let my child go back in there. I’m I wrong for doing this?

Wrong thread? But no, your child is 3 and should be taught by now not to draw on walls. Mayne the parents were talking about how you don't have manners, and the child took this to mean your DC doesn't have manners? Either way you need to stop the writing on the walls.

IScreamAtMichaelangelos · 04/09/2022 07:28

I agree with others that I would stop making the effort. I would perhaps go as far as to help the transition process, by writing "HAVE YOU ARRANGED TO SEE YOUR MOTHER?" at the top of the calendar for each month, as a memory prompt. Also "YOU NEED TO BUY YOUR MOTHER A PRESENT" in her birthday month and December. That would be the limit of my help from now on though (and would end at the end of 2023)!

flyingant · 04/09/2022 07:30

@Reagol have you or your husband asked his mum why she doesn't trust you?

allboysherebutme · 04/09/2022 07:31

I'd except the apology but let your husband take over doing everything for her, if he doesn't do it, it's not your problem. X

hashbrownsandwich · 04/09/2022 07:32

I would be fuming.

Reply and say 'I appreciate that' but nothing to indicate you forgive or forget. Then that's it, no more doing all the little things. She needs to make the effort.

chocolatesand · 04/09/2022 07:34

I’d accept the apology but also make it clear you’ll be respectfully stepping back from the relationship and leaving things like birthdays, MOT to your DH to deal with. She’ll soon see how much effort you made and will hopefully make her see the error of her ways (unless she’s too stubborn to admit she’s wrong).

Jedsnewstar · 04/09/2022 07:35

Reagol · 04/09/2022 07:13

I make so the effort; I organise a present and card for her birthday, I organise the meet ups so we see her every month, I call to make sure she's okay, sort out stuff like her broadband and car MOT, so I'm incredibly hurt.

If it was left to DH, he would make zero effort, so I think I'm going to step back and tell DH it's his responsibility now.

Trouble is, she'll think I'm forcing DH not to see her, when the truth is, he just doesn't bother!

I would tell her a version of this.

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