Forgive and forget? (MIL!)

[Reagol]

MIL made a comment that I overheard (I assume she didn't think I could hear) and I was very offended. Alluded to not trusting me, with absolutely no reason not to.

I've done quite a lot to help her over the past 15 years and thought we had a positive relationship so I was gutted.

I confronted her as soon as it was said, and told her I was utterly confused by her comment and very offended. She tried to wriggle out of it but we both knew what she was getting at.

DH completely backed me up, was offended on my behalf, and told her she'd upset me. She said "well, I'M upset now" and hung up on him.

There was no contact for a week, until DH phoned her. He suggested she apologise to me, and after a few days I received a WhatsApp from her saying "Sorry."

Should I let it go?

It's hard to say OP with the info you've given (appreciate you can't give more). Break ups turn nasty, frequently, and people act in ways that are unexpected. She may be aware if this and wanting to protect her son's future is not the same as not trusting you specifically...its more about not 100% being able to trust anyone ever and doing the sensible thing and avoiding added complications in the event of a change of circumstances (death, divorce, illness). It sounds like you may have taken 'make sure your name is on the deeds' and added 'if you don't she will run off with your share'. For example if I was going to be a SAHP for a while I'd make sure my husband paid into my pension and national insurance etc, not because I dont trust him and think he is going to run off but because it's the sensible thing for us and our kids to protect me.

Saying all that, you know her, you know what she is like with you, and if you are confident it was a criticism of you, then no I wouldn't forgive her. I am someone that forgives quite easily if someone is genuinely apologetic and I just move on...but she tried to gaslight you both about what was said, made it about her feelings and a 'sorry' on it's own is clearly not genuine. If she had said something along the lines of 'I apologise, my friends children have just gone through a horrific divorce and it turned so nasty and it was playing on my mind when i made the comment but you've always been trustworthy so I should have minded my own business' then I'd move on completely, but the way she is acting shows she isnt sorry at all and probably stands by what she has said.

I feel your husband could do more here though, there seems to be an undercurrent of his family believing you have stopped him seeing them or spoiled the relationship...what's he done to address that? Does he really not care about them in any way whatsoever? And if not, why do you? Or does he not organise anything because ultimately he knows you will and he sees you as responsible for life admin. If the latter then I think he really needs to step up, it's not fair to make you responsible for his relationship with people who don't treat you well

All this giving her the thumbs up thing is so petty. Taking the high road is surely more satisfying?

"Thanks for the apology. Of course it hurt to hear you imply that you don't trust me. I recognise that a parent always has their child at heart, but I have supported you in many ways, and was shocked to find that you seem to have a low opinion of me. I hope we can find some way to come back from this"

Then step back from any practical support that she has become used to.

I would reply and accept the apology but I'd back off from doing anything. It's your DHs job to do cards, presents and visits so I'd let him get on with it.

the easy answer is to just let it go.
And tell DH that in view of the fact that MIL is very grudging about apologising for being mean about you, from now on all her needs are catered for by him and that's it going forward.
Be pleasant and breezy in her presence, but just step back from all the things you do for her and let her son get on with it all.

Yes because the person you want to take financial advice from is the person who can't sort out their own broadband and car repairs.

Does she have an obsession that you will steal his inheritance as well (whatever it is)? Or think of family money as his rather than joint?

This is a commoner experience than you may realise - women are expected to facilitate the relationship but know our place when it comes to "their" or "his" money 🙄

Accept the apology but leave them to it and let them sort out their own affairs. You wouldn't want to interfere after all would you?

Yes! And the only reason it wouldn't be done correctly, is if I was purposefully shafting him.

It really wasn't a sensible or general looking out piece of advice, as that I would totally understand, but a warning to ensure I wasn't being underhand.

There was absolutely no need for the warning unless she thought or had suspicion I was being deliberately deceitful, for my own purposes.

If it was me I would want a full explanation about why she doesn't trust me. Her apology is also pathetic, she's only said sorry because she's been told to by her son. Tell OH it is his responsibilty to sort her out now, not yours, seeing as she doesn't trust you anyway.

My MIL is hideous. I kept going with her for years by smoothing things over. This included ignoring her comments along the lines of she shouldn't be put on the mortgage when it was my money that got us the deal in the first place! Then one day she started shouting at me over lies made up by BiL who has a drug problem. I suddenly realised I was done, so done, it was calming in a way! I just went and sat in the car and waited for DP I've cut all contact and it's nearly a year on and I'm still pleased with my decision.

I agree. the issue isn't finished and although you may well end up stepping back as pps have suggested it might be too soon for that.
also it might look like you're sulking, and sulking can be hard work!

I think this is actually fantastic! You’ve got an opportunity to get rid of a huge amount of hassle in your life guilt free.
accept the apology as casually as it was given and simply step back.
mid see the apology and accept it for the rudeness but would keep hold of the message that she doesn’t value you as a family member. That’s fine though! I think you can reasonably treat her as an acquaintance and leave your DH to maintain any relationship he wishes to have. X

This 💯
Ive not engaged with my MIL for years - marriage is hard enough.

I’m sorry you feel hurt OP. Unfortunately you have found out that your MIL is not very nice. She is not a warm, nurturing person who is happy her DC is loved and cared for. This comes from a place of jealousy. It’s not personal.

My MIL was the same. Was, as in I no longer deal with her. Once she was staying with us and she told me, “DIL’s, who’d have them. The problem with sons is that you have to put up with whoever they marry”. This is 1 out of a thousand things she’s said. Her DD, my SIL, another nightmare, has in the past told people I’ve got MH issues, which is news to me 😏My MIL too thinks I am a gold digger, lazy arse, non family blah blah.

My MiL is a very silly cow. “I” was the one who arranged all cards, presents, meals out and at my place, Christmas stay overs, days out, weekends away, holidays together that often came out of my salary. “I” am the only person (+ DH) to give her the oh so cherished DGC, she has no other. She has been awful to me. When I have had very bad times in my life she kicked me when I was down.

I will never, ever, forgive her for treating me like dirt on her shoe.

Now I do NOTHING for her, and her own DD’s were on the phone to my DH whinging that she doesn’t want to do things for her mum.

Don’t waste anymore time on this. She’s liberated you. You do not have to do anything for her, because she doesn’t like you, so she wouldn’t want to owe you anything, right?

I think my MIL regrets her behaviour and favouring her other DC over my DH. I’ve seen snippets of remorse and teeny bits of effort with me recently, but I want nothing from her. I’ll accept a cup of tea off her, but no more. In the last couple of years, after 26 years of nothing, she’s asked me what I want for Christmas and I tell her to her face “oh, no. Please don’t buy me anything. I don’t want anything off you”. She looks hurt but I don’t care. If I was stuck in a room with a tiger and her, I’d go stroke the tiger and hope they’d protect me.

Good for you.

I had similar.

My only regret is I tried too hard for too long.

She despised me - she probably despised every effort I made to include her, take her on holiday etc - clearly my presence was painful - I should have put her out of her misery decades before by fading away.

It would have been a huge relief to everyone. I was brought up to host, care for, be generous, polite and include …. but was not taught that when you sense that this is not reciprocated you should detach, withdraw and swerve without drama or guilt. I teach my own DCs this.

Prepare for the fallout of making your husband responsible for all interactions involving his mother.

I happily took on the role of helpful daughter in law because I honestly thought that she saw me as family. So I'd take her to appointments, sort out online stuff, sort out car stuff, be responsible for making sure birthdays etc were adequately covered because of my naivety in thinking she was my family too. I treated her the same as my mother basically.

It was only a small thing that fully opened my eyes, but it was enough for me to realise I wasn't considered her family. I told my husband how I felt and he agreed with my stepping back. Now I'm perfectly polite, but make no effort to arrange catch ups or any of the rest of it. My husband is responsible for his side of the family.

Naturally I'm to blame for this now apparent neglect because my husband was never bothered in the first place.

I completely agree with setting your boundaries, just be forewarned that it'll just keep getting worse because you are now officially the problem. Best of luck!

Absolutely this.

Spell it out to your husband that going forward he will be responsible for EVERYTHING regarding his mother and NEVER be involved again.

Unfortunately this happened to a friend of mine many years ago, shortly after she got married.
She thought she got on relatively well with his parents.

They were at a cousin of her husband's childs christening when she overheard her MIl telling her sister how lucky she was to have married her son, and that he had actually "married down"!!

She immediately said to her MIL, who hadn't realised she was standing behind her "good to know".
Her MIL's face was a picture and she got the most awful shock.

She told her husband as soon as they left, and he was beyond mortified.

He called to his parents the following day and he told his mother that he was absolutely mortified and SO hurt that she could say such a thing.

His mother apologised profusely and my friend accepted for her new husband's sake. He was actually tearful he was so genuinely upset and hurt.

It changed the relationship for ever.
My friend has remained polite and very
civil over the past 20 years.

However, she does EXACTLY as she pleases.
She attends things ONLY if it suits her.

She does zero entertaining, and her husband has been 100% responsible for his family, his relationship, and the relationship their children have with their grandparents.

Like a lot of men, he is quite lax so the relationship is now very casual.

It had a profound affect on his relationship with his mother, which is actually really sad IMO.

My friend could care less and even at the time she said she was glad she heard, as she would have put in a lot of effort and now she really didn't feel obligated to.

His mother has paid a very high price for her words.

I was brought up to host, care for, be generous, polite and include …. but was not taught that when you sense that this is not reciprocated you should detach, withdraw and swerve without drama or guilt.

Yes, me too. I bet a lot of women are in this position. My mum is kind and thoughtful. I’ve never seen her do anything malicious. I spent a lot of time thinking I’d done something wrong, I wasn’t good enough, I was incompetent, that I wasn’t a nice person, that they’d eventually see that I was fun, nice, kind, an asset to the group. I wasted a lot of time. I didn’t believe someone could be that horrible.

The OP needs to grieve the loss of this relationship, but needs to self preserve moving forward.

I spent a lot of time thinking I’d done something wrong, I wasn’t good enough, I was incompetent, that I wasn’t a nice person, that they’d eventually see that I was fun, nice, kind, an asset to the group. I wasted a lot of time.

Me too and I now cringe for the doubled efforts I then put in an attempt to gain approval.

Same here DFOD. I feel a mug, like everyone’s laughing at me. Like I’ve got no self respect and am massively needy to want their approval.

It’s really crap to know your DH’s family would dance for joy if you got hit by a bus.

Hell would freeze over before I thanked her, or even acknowledged, that bullshit "apology."

I'd be done with her, 100%. You husband can have the pleasure of dealing with her.

@AchatAVendre Wow! So you're a Senior Lawyer (that's a very impressive achievement by the way, congrats!) and they tell people that you're an 'unemployed waster?!?!?!' Wtf

Really sorry Reagol, but try to empathise that your MIL is trying to make sure her son is financially protected, and that she will always put him before you. She is being over-protective, over-bearing and is completely out of order and her comment is absurd. However please to remember that this came from a place of love and protectiveness for her son. Which is the same as you have for him. You want to protect and love your husband as well.
Of course it is very possible that your Husbands' siblings are the ones poisining the well here, and your MIL is being whispered to by one of them.

IF you decide to have nothing to do with them ever again then I understand, but the onous is now on you and your husband, not just your husband to try to heal the rift that she put in place.
You would have to have a proper grown up conversation with her about the financial situation. Your husband would also need to be in that conversation and effectively laying down the law, saying that "WE have decided how WE are doing our finances and that we put this thing in Reagol's name because we trust each other implicitely, and if we do divorce then we are both happy for this to be Reagol's". But obviously the decision is yours and If I were in your situation I would certainly feel how you feel right now.

I think that's why I've taken it so badly. I feel like such an idiot.

I thought I was family, but the way she said what she did, I'm definitely seen as an outsider. After all these years, I'm not part of the family.

I made so much effort because I don't have family myself. God knows what else she says behind my back :(

I really appreciate your balanced reply @mansviewpoint - I want to be sensible despite taking offence and I realise I have taken it very personally. I'm usually quite a 'live and let live' person but it's probably hit harder as it was such an unexpected comment.

I think if she'd made even an iota more effort with her apology I'd feel better! I don't want to hold a grudge, but at the same time I realise it's not the relationship I thought, but that's my fault.

I'd reply
'Thankyou SO much for your heartfelt apology. Please note that I will not be sorting out anything for you from now on as I obviously can't be trusted with anything regarding financial matters/money. Please ask someone else'

I'd message her back, accept her apology and add in quite a lot of the above.

You do more for her than her son does and you are under absolutely no obligation to do so. She's hurt you and it's up to her to make amends, not you.

Tell her you'll be backing off and letting DH take some of the responsibility for his own mother from now on. She'll soon see how she should be treating you!