Forgive and forget? (MIL!)

[Reagol]

MIL made a comment that I overheard (I assume she didn't think I could hear) and I was very offended. Alluded to not trusting me, with absolutely no reason not to.

I've done quite a lot to help her over the past 15 years and thought we had a positive relationship so I was gutted.

I confronted her as soon as it was said, and told her I was utterly confused by her comment and very offended. She tried to wriggle out of it but we both knew what she was getting at.

DH completely backed me up, was offended on my behalf, and told her she'd upset me. She said "well, I'M upset now" and hung up on him.

There was no contact for a week, until DH phoned her. He suggested she apologise to me, and after a few days I received a WhatsApp from her saying "Sorry."

Should I let it go?

I’m sorry, I’m such a pedant, but it wasn’t slanderous, it was libellous.

Comment was overheard- spoken - so slander as opposed to libel (written)

*I thought I was family, but the way she said what she did, I'm definitely seen as an outsider. After all these years, I'm not part of the family.

I made so much effort because I don't have family myself. God knows what else she says behind my back :(*

You poor love. You’ve been treated horribly. I’m really sorry. At least you know what you are dealing with now though. Do you have DC? I’d focus on your own little family and treat her with indifference for your own sanity. Be as duplicitous as she is. I find that I can be super nice to MILs face because I just don’t care. I am always polite and courteous to people on a daily basis and that’s what she is to me. Someone I am aquatinted with, but not enough to spend any emotion on.

Drop the rope completely. You have every right to be hurt and not want to put in any effort towards a relationship with her again.

I would get DH to reply that the apology is a good start, but because her comment and criticism of OP was so incredibly hurtful and off base, that it will take and actions not words to heal the breach.

I would completely stop encouraging any sort of a relationship with this woman. Your husband can sort out visits and remember birthdays etc. Who cares if she thinks you told him to stop having a relationship with her, she already thinks you are a gold digger, can’t really get much worse. Nothing you do for her is going to make her like you, nothing. I’ve walked that road and now no longer both after trying for far far far too long.

Commiserations @Reagol my mil is a witch too.

My personal opinion has always been that this line of thinking is a mistake.

If someone splits up with their Spouse (assuming no abuse, but sometimes even then), generally, the in-laws side with their own relative. They wouldn’t continue to treat you as family. You will always be the mother of their grandchild (if you have children) but you may not always be their daughter in law. You could decide at some point in the future that you no longer want to be his legal wife so no longer their in laws.

And yes, I know, there’s rare cases where people have remained extremely close with their in laws. But it’s not often and that can cause issues when new partners are involved.

I never had an illusion that my mil or fil, would continue to treat me like a daughter if I was no longer involved in their lives. Which I am not.

It’s extremely upsetting if you don’t have a family of your own and I am sorry you have had this realisation. But I don’t think it’s unusual for parents to still be primarily concerned for their adult children. Not their adults child’s spouse.

This would be what I would do.

Her apology was rubbish. She needs to own her behaviour and make a genuine apology, in my opinion.

Androma,

I get what you are saying. The thing is though that people like ops MIL treat their DILs less favourably than Vera in no.10. My in-laws showed their true colours when DH and I had marital issues. In contrast I’ve seen my MIL give more help to her next door but one new neighbours than she gave me with my DC when DH and I fell out. My point is, we get that your own offspring come first. What I don’t get is why someone your son loves, who is a nice person and does lots of things for you, brought your DGC into the world (if op has them) and makes them happy, is so detested and secretly despised?

It is jealousy, nothing less.

My DBS are married and they earn a lot of money. I’ve never once contemplated how my SILs, both SAHMs, might run off with all the money. I trust them and I can see that they bring a lot to the table in their families.

I feel sorry for women who spend their days seething over their DS’s partners.

Did she really just write 'Sorry' ? That is not a true apology, obviously it's meaningless and she's not at all sorry in fact. And the remark to your DP of 'Now I'm upset' shows again that she doesn't

.. doesn't think she's done anything wrong and probably lacks emotional intelligence

Shit apology. I wouldn't respond.

So I I wouldn't waste my time typing out a long reply, you don't owe her the words! Just wait a couple of days and simply reply 'OK'. Not the thumbs up thing that's weird and passive aggressive and a lot of older people won't get it, I am unfamiliar with it myself.

Then STOP doing stuff for her and just go very frosty and distant. She's thrown away your goodwill for nothing, silly woman.

I was appalled by how my in laws treated me after my divorce (when their son left me for a woman 16 years our junior, after having an affair with her).

I thought I had been close to his father for twenty years. Just a few months before, I had hosted FIL and his entire family for his 70th birthday, putting in huge effort to make it a special occasion.

He simply never contacted me once he heard his son was leaving. MIL on the other hand consulted lawyers and tried to hide assets to protect the 'family money'.
I earn almost three times what her son earns.... but apparently I was after their money.

Hurt me deeply and it taught me a lot!

I’ve used “noted with thanks” a few times.

Very painful.

The older I get, the stronger I believe in reflecting back the effort people make with me.

It cuts out so much disappointment IMO.

I genuinely don’t think the mil despises op. I think she was looking out for her sons interest and that’s hurt the Op.

I am of the opinion all parents should be teaching their kids on how to financially protect themselves. My dd is 18 and is well clued up on the pitfalls and benefits of marriage.

What I wouldn’t have done is waited until she was in a relationship because that does feel like it’s aimed at someone. I did it before hand so it’s not taken personally by any partner as I would want to be accused of not liking the partner or trying to do anything against them.

My point in that post was that Op has clearly felt she was as much their daughter as he is their son and I think it’s naive. I can see how it happens. They feel like family. But in most cases it’s conditional. Op hasn’t done anything wrong in feeling like that, but it’s often not the case that you are unconditional family.

I don’t think you can compare looking out for your brothers, to looking out for your children though.

Agree, graciously accept the apology and the never do a single thing for her again. Talk about the weather, the garden, the dog, the roast,....

I feel like such an idiot.

I thought I was family

If you haven't responded to her yet, that's what I would text back. Nothing more, just that.

Yes or put her on the spot

Why don't you trust me.

Leave the ball in her court. She was offensive. Your DH is on your side. she sent a half cocked forced apology.
Do and say nothing, leave her to her own devices now.
She will recognise your value when you are no longer running after her.

The OP’s mother in law was overheard yes, but the lawyer poster’s mother in law’s derogatory comments were written in an email and ‘published’ (sent).

You are of course correct, and my phraseology was poor (possibly deliberately so because I don't want to be too identifying on here). In my defence, it followed upon some ongoing potentially slanderous remarks from the pair of them which I also had in my mind. One example would be that FIL likes to hint that we aren't paying tax or declaring all of our income (we have a rental property and have sold a couple of houses over the years, all our main homes) and says things such as "I hope the Inland Revenue don't find out" and "did you declare it this time?". Pretty galling when we pay so much in tax and he hasn't worked for years - he was one of those lucky people who retired at 50 (one of his themes is that I must have done DH out of his money because DH hasn't been able to retire at 50 too). I too have concerns that repeat this to people they know. They also like to say things such as I should "work harder" and "get a full time job" because I now work 3 1/2 days per week.

As for potentially libellous remarks contained in the email, they related to a very specific allegation which made out that I had dishonest intentions in relation to a very specific scheme they had made up to do them out of part of their assets. It was so off the wall that I did consider senility but I don't think that does explain it as they have form for this type of thing. I was really shocked and I have no idea how they think I can possibly speak to them again. Its made me realise how bad their behaviour is, and DH hasn't visited them since, despite them asking him to do so. I won't be seeing them again.

I've given them lots of free legal advice and also actual free legal work over the years too. Thousands of pounds worth.

Sorry to derail OP.

Exactly right go NC. She has caused all this upset, let her stew.

This

@AchatAVendre They've told you to get a 'proper' job when you're a Solicitor?! I expect you earn more an hour than he used to earn per week!

Forgive but don’t forget.