Forgive and forget? (MIL!)

[Reagol]

MIL made a comment that I overheard (I assume she didn't think I could hear) and I was very offended. Alluded to not trusting me, with absolutely no reason not to.

I've done quite a lot to help her over the past 15 years and thought we had a positive relationship so I was gutted.

I confronted her as soon as it was said, and told her I was utterly confused by her comment and very offended. She tried to wriggle out of it but we both knew what she was getting at.

DH completely backed me up, was offended on my behalf, and told her she'd upset me. She said "well, I'M upset now" and hung up on him.

There was no contact for a week, until DH phoned her. He suggested she apologise to me, and after a few days I received a WhatsApp from her saying "Sorry."

Should I let it go?

At the time, we both asked her why on earth she felt the need for her comment - she became very defensive and said we misunderstood, and tried to change what she'd said, which was impossible!

Absolutely no basis or reasoning for it whatsoever.

I’d go with “thanks” as a reply and then stop making effort in her direction. Who cares if she thinks you are stopping DH seeing her… you aren’t. She already obviously thinks bad things about you. Stuff her!!

I'd try to get DH to find out more. There must be some reason she said what she did, if it definitely wasn't a misunderstanding. I'd NEED to know! 😁

Yes, just reply' thanks' and leave all of the jobs you were doing for your husband to do, or not, as the case may be. I'd have nothing more to do with helping her.

I would make it very clear to your DH that you will no longer be doing any organising and if he forgets then he forgets and you won’t be taking any responsibility. I mean, he should be doing it anyway!

My MIL did something very similar quite recently. Both her and FIL have form for it, in the way of similar odd criticisms of me, and I've always bitten my tongue out of respect and politeness. But this allegation was very specific (also suggesting that I was untrustworthy) and made in writing, in email, to DH. I was horrified when he told me what she had said. I had seen them quite recently too, I thought it was a nice visit, and while not doing nearly as much for them as you do for your MIL, I thought we had a good relationship despite their propensity to rudeness. I'm a senior lawyer and what was said was really quite slanderous, not to mention rude and completely off the wall. I really hope they are not repeating it to other people.

So I've cut off contact with them. I haven't told them why (they like arguments) but I don't see how I can possibly speak to them again having had this said about me. I would have to either confront them or be silently embarrassed, and I can't see the point in either, since they bring no value to my life. They do like to run a narrative that I've married DH for his money (despite him earning less than me) and of me being unemployed or a bit of a waster, when in reality I hold down a really good job. I think its some form of jealousy/not wanting to be outdone by others.

DH has also cut contact with them. We didn't even discuss it, but he was horrified and embarrassed as well, and its really out of character for him to react to anything they have done. That was more than 6 months ago now and he hasn't bothered visiting them again and has no plans to do so.

You accept the apology and move on, but nothing will ever be the same. If she doesn't trust you after 15 years then it comes down to the fact she doesn't like you and resents your relationship with your dh.

I'd leave the running of that relationship to your dh in future.

He did ask, on his phone call to her a week after - she said we'd misunderstood and of course she trusted me, she was thinking of us both, blah blah, but her comment was very black and white.

She was treated badly in her divorce 40 years ago by an absolute wanker of a husband, but why she thinks 1) I'd ever divorce DH or 2) I'd be underhand, I have no idea.

But I agree, something has sparked something in her head, it must have for her even to think about what she ended up saying.

Why ? He's an adult , im sure he knows his own bloody mothers birthday and when when Christmas is
Christ ...
Step completely back @Reagol , she can't even offer you a decent apology

“She was treated badly in her divorce 40 years ago by an absolute wanker of a husband, but why she thinks 1) I'd ever divorce DH or 2) I'd be underhand, I have no idea.“

So was the comment a generalised, “if Reagol left you, I reckon she’d do what she had to come away with more £” in a hypothetical not real way?

I cannot believe your suggestion of a December present reminder on a calendar @IScreamAtMichaelangelos 😳
I mean, I wouldn’t do any of it but I know that some people do forget birthdays. As I’m actually forget, rather than just not care. But nobody forgets when Xmas is.
What infantilising crap!

Wow . I would say thank you for the apology to be the grown up. However, going forward she has shown her lack of appreciation for all you do and have done for her. So that would stop..no more doing for her. She has shown her true colours and it's a shame.

Trouble is, she'll think I'm forcing DH not to see her, when the truth is, he just doesn't bother!

I'm sure this is the case in my DH's family. I had a similar incident with MIL about 7-8 years ago and just downed tools on anything at all to do with my PIL. Stopped arranging meet ups and birthday presents and forwarded all emails and texts to DH (replying to MIL to let her know that he was arranging the next meet up/sorting DC's birthday celebrations or whatever it was.

He doesn't bother with his parents at all. they nag him to come and visit and I'm sure the story is now about the evil DIL who's keeping their son and grandchildren away from them but I honestly don't give a shit. I know it's not true, as do my DH and kids. We see them about twice a year now and my life is so much better for it.

It's a shame that my DH doesn't want to see his parents, but its not my responsibility. I just think my MIL literally only has herself to blame if the child she raised doesn't want to spend time with her.

Try it, you might be surprised how much better your life is without interacting with her

Thank goodness your DH told you what had been said - it's just so hurtful to be treated that way. Sounds like they bring nothing positive to your lives, you are well rid!

It's interesting you say: They do like to run a narrative that I've married DH for his money

This is exactly along the lines of what my MIL said, it was about money. So now I know she doesn't trust me.

To be honest I've never felt liked, really liked, looking back I feel used for help when needed. She has another son and he and his wife have never been warm towards me. At times very cold.

Sod it, I don't care if I never see any of his awful family again. And without me organising things/going with him, he won't see them either.

I’d send back a thumbs up emoji and then not engage any further. No more sorting her MOT or broadband. No more birthday presents. It’s your husbands mother so he can do it.

The day I got married I told my husband that when it comes to birthdays and Christmas and occasions that I will look after my side and he can look after his.

The issue with this is because it’s left up to him birthdays are forgotten, events are missed and no arrangements are made to see them.

Naturally all of this is my fault and not the fault of my husband who can’t be bothered to make the effort. They weren’t too happy when I pointed that out though 😂

I would accept the apology and be civic but no I couldn’t really trust her again. SIL did something shit to us and didn’t apologise. I’ve discussed the situation with my friends who would call me out if needs be and given them all the facts and they say we weren’t at fault. I feel like SIL has shown her true colours and I know she isn’t someone I want a relationship with and no I would never trust her again.

So was the comment a generalised, “if Reagol left you, I reckon she’d do what she had to come away with more £” in a hypothetical not real way?

It was a very specific comment to a real event, as in - "Darling son, I know Reagol handles the finances, but do make sure the new XYZ you're buying is in your name too and she doesn't just put it in hers."

I was reeling. Thinking what the fuck? Why on earth would it only be in my name?! Only if I was being very sneaky and underhand and wanted to block my DH from his own money.

I totally agree with the others, accept by texting thank you for the apology. Then step back completely. No presents, cards anything else and if your DH wants to see her he can arrange it. If she ever mentions anything say “oh didn’t DH send you a card, that’s a shame, have you mentioned it to him?”. Or “I’m not sure why DH hasn’t visited, maybe ask him about it”? Cool, polite, but don’t get drawn back in against your will- you’ll only resent it.

I love the idea of the thumbs up emoji I think I'll do that!! And then never help again. Thank you.

I'm sure it's why Bil and Sil are cold with me, they think I should force my DH to make contact with them but it's his decision!! I made the effort with his mum because I felt sorry for her being on her own. But not any more.

I admit it'll be a huge relief not to have her in my life as much. She's quite hard work.

Agree with the others, forgive but never forget. Take a step back. Her son can help her with her stuff. It says a lot that her own son can't be arsed to buy her a Christmas present TBH.

This is your first mistake.

She has form. She is likely bitter and unpleasant and your DH knows it - that’s why he doesn’t make the effort. If she had earned respect from her DS he would have been naturally kind, warm and thoughtful.

Inadvertently you have tried to bridge a gap he doesn’t want (even subconsciously).

She is still bitter and brittle from her divorce and is projecting this at you. This is likely the tip of the iceberg of her comments over the past 15 years and won’t be the last. She wants you gone - know that.

The “Now I AM upset” comment is even more telling of her emotional inadequacy.

Don’t try to fathom her - it’s her not you. Drop the rope.

“Accept” the apology with a thumbs up. Then fade out of her life with dignity - smile and wave at only essential occasions.

Leave your DH to engage as he wishes, no reminders - the proof will be in the pudding.

Use the time, money and headspace previously dedicated to her for more radiant friends and family.

Sorry this has happened to you - it’s hurtful, shocking and humiliating that someone is so duplicitous.

I would accept the apology but also stop making any effort. She can do her own afmin, DP can sort.any cards/pressies needed. I'd often be busy if there is a visit.

Why on earth are you buying her birthday presents and cards etc? Is there something wrong with your dh? Is he mentally incapable of doing it?
Just stop.
I’ve never got why people bend over backwards trying to be liked by people who clearly don’t like them. If your dh doesn’t care then that shows the type of person he is. Perhaps he doesn’t like his family.
Accept the apology then pull back.

I know this hurt, but it’s a blessing really

you know your H has your back, and now you know why BIL/sil are cold, and you’re 100% off the hook now with MIL. She has really shot herself in the foot.

Who did she say it to?

I'm not saying she's right (as she's clearly not) but I wonder if you said something innocently or in jest that sparked some of those feelings again? A comical put down of your husband that's a joke between the two of you that she doesn't get?

Or a bid to sympathise with a friend with a poor relationship with her daughter in law and so she was trying to make herself sound the same (some people do and say daft things without thinking).

Essentially her loyalty will always be with her son even if you are the best daughter in law in the world.

I think she is clearly in the wrong, knows it and is embarrassed. some people own up, others shut down.

That said, I would try and move past it. Make it less about forgiveness and more about just doing the everyday normal things. You may never truly forgive her but it will get easier. Frame it in your mind that it is not about doing it for her but your husband. She's his mum and he loves her even if he's useless at the practical. Basically just carry on as normal and don't mention it.

Eventually she might say sorry properly and explain but right now she's not accepted it herself for whatever reason. It took years for my dad to apologise for something pretty awful (and a lot for me to forgive but it was only hurting me). But when he did it was clear he'd been carrying it round for years as guilt and it had affected him more than he ever acknowledged. Humans are strange and complicated so her behaviour now doesn't necessarily mean she's not feeling bad