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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Forgive and forget? (MIL!)

125 replies

Reagol · 04/09/2022 06:55

MIL made a comment that I overheard (I assume she didn't think I could hear) and I was very offended. Alluded to not trusting me, with absolutely no reason not to.

I've done quite a lot to help her over the past 15 years and thought we had a positive relationship so I was gutted.

I confronted her as soon as it was said, and told her I was utterly confused by her comment and very offended. She tried to wriggle out of it but we both knew what she was getting at.

DH completely backed me up, was offended on my behalf, and told her she'd upset me. She said "well, I'M upset now" and hung up on him.

There was no contact for a week, until DH phoned her. He suggested she apologise to me, and after a few days I received a WhatsApp from her saying "Sorry."

Should I let it go?

OP posts:
CatherinedeBourgh · 04/09/2022 08:26

You can both let it go and change what you have been doing.

When mil said something very hurtful about me (that I only helped her to earn credit that I could charge back to them later in life) I decided that I would do exactly for them what they did for me. So I would respond to their openings, and be polite back, just as you would for a colleague/acquaintance.

I've seen them about twice in the 15 years since 😂

saraclara · 04/09/2022 08:26

What was the finance thing in relation to?

You have me wondering because I gave both of my daughters some money recently, because I wanted them to have some help and I consider half of my savings to be my late husband's and wanted them to have something from him.

They both have partners that I like, but thanks to the appalling behaviour of a friend after a break up, I am cautious and realistic about what can happen financially between partners after a split. So I explained to them both that I wanted the money protected for them. Their dad never knew their partners did this was a personal gift.
So if they used the money towards say a deposit on a shared home, i asked that it be ring fenced as their money that they would get back fully in the event of a break up.

If their partners heard that conversation (in which I made it clear that I liked their partners and didn't expect them to behave that was) would my relationship with them be over then?
I hope not. I have no reason to believe that they would take half of that money. But then I'd never in a million years have expected my friend to behave so venally and unfairly in their split.

Vapeyvapevape · 04/09/2022 08:26

This is definitely what the thumbs up emoji was invented for.

Maymaymay · 04/09/2022 08:27

Hmmm I'm not so sure what she s

Bluetrews25 · 04/09/2022 08:27

If she's big enough and clever enough to own and drive a car, she's clever enough to sort out her own MOT!
Or is she one of these hopeless 50s housewives without a bank account who has never paid a bill?
Time she learned.
Is she hopeless or lazy? Or thinking it's attractive to be the little woman who needs protecting by a big strong man (or rather his wife = OP)?

Maymaymay · 04/09/2022 08:29

Oops pressed send too early ! I'm not so sure what she said was about not trusting you, depending on what it is / how much / exactly what she said it could be a situation that people would commonly suggest making sure your OHs name was on it. Just as on here people are always flabbergasted if women have not been named on the mortgage (leaving them open and vulnerable), is it just this situation flipped around ?

Northernshepherd · 04/09/2022 08:33

If that's what she said and what you overheard I think you are over reacting slightly. She hasn't said she doesn't trust you. Just that it should be in joint names, which you say it is so you agree with her.

Fairyliz · 04/09/2022 08:34

saraclara · 04/09/2022 08:26

What was the finance thing in relation to?

You have me wondering because I gave both of my daughters some money recently, because I wanted them to have some help and I consider half of my savings to be my late husband's and wanted them to have something from him.

They both have partners that I like, but thanks to the appalling behaviour of a friend after a break up, I am cautious and realistic about what can happen financially between partners after a split. So I explained to them both that I wanted the money protected for them. Their dad never knew their partners did this was a personal gift.
So if they used the money towards say a deposit on a shared home, i asked that it be ring fenced as their money that they would get back fully in the event of a break up.

If their partners heard that conversation (in which I made it clear that I liked their partners and didn't expect them to behave that was) would my relationship with them be over then?
I hope not. I have no reason to believe that they would take half of that money. But then I'd never in a million years have expected my friend to behave so venally and unfairly in their split.

I’m another one who has done this. I’ve given money to my adult Dd who is buying a house with her partner.
I like and trust him but still advised her to ring fence her money as she is putting in an extra £100k. I thought this would be considered a good idea on MN given that lots of relationships break down?
If she is divorced of course she will be cynical about relationships, her experience is that they don’t go the course.

Testina · 04/09/2022 08:40

You’re being quite cagey about what actually happened - especially in the OP - and it sounds like good advice from her that many of us would give.

Regardless - why did you put yourself in the position of doing all the wifework that your husband didn’t care about?

Andromachehadabadday · 04/09/2022 08:42

Northernshepherd · 04/09/2022 08:33

If that's what she said and what you overheard I think you are over reacting slightly. She hasn't said she doesn't trust you. Just that it should be in joint names, which you say it is so you agree with her.

I have to agree with this.

Marriages go pear shaped all the time. You only have to read the relationship board here to see home many people regret not taking an interest in the finances while the relationship was good. Because when it’s gone to shit, it’s often too late to fix it.

My exhs grandparents ensured their inheritance to exh was secure. Never upset me. It was sensible.

Blowthemandown · 04/09/2022 08:45

Actually @Reagol I was completely
onboard with just saying ‘thanks’ until I read what she actually said and I do think it wasn’t meant to imply she doesn’t trust you. As she had a rotten divorce, to say ‘make sure it’s in both your names’ is just common sense. She’s telling your DH to make sure he looks out for himself and not to make the mistakes she made. That’s perfectly reasonable. I’d have to say this to lots of people I know who make commitments with a partner but are financially/legally naive. Like what joint tenants vs tenants in common means! So while I think you can shift more responsibility for contact to DH and step back a bit ‘anyway’ because you were initiating it all and it’s his Mum, I’d forgive her and maybe just reassure her a bit/ have a chat and clear the air. I completely understand how it must have come across but don’t let it come between you.

Original poster
Reagol · 04/09/2022 08:45

Northernshepherd · 04/09/2022 08:33

If that's what she said and what you overheard I think you are over reacting slightly. She hasn't said she doesn't trust you. Just that it should be in joint names, which you say it is so you agree with her.

I can't say as it's too outing but that's not the exact comment, only using that as an example - but it was offensive and definitely only pointed to me not being trustworthy!

Genuinely sorry for being cagey, I know that's annoying but I know a family member is on MN and would be outed! Probably me being paranoid, but still.

Really appreciate the replies! Im starting to see things in a different light. She never phones or sends a card on DH's or my birthday - whatever she is doing is always priority! It's always about her.

OP posts:
BadNomad · 04/09/2022 08:45

It was a very specific comment to a real event, as in - "Darling son, I know Reagol handles the finances, but do make sure the new XYZ you're buying is in your name too and she doesn't just put it in hers."

I think you're taking it a bit too personally. It just sounds like a mother looking out for a son, rather than it being about not trusting you. None of us know what the future will bring and it's foolish to be naive with finances. It doesn't mean she thinks you're going to do something shady. For all you know, your husband might turn into a dick one day and you end up getting divorced.

Original poster
Reagol · 04/09/2022 08:47

Regardless - why did you put yourself in the position of doing all the wifework that your husband didn’t care about?

I was young and stupid! I thought that's what being a wife was.

OP posts:
IScreamAtMichaelangelos · 04/09/2022 08:53

Testina · 04/09/2022 07:52

I cannot believe your suggestion of a December present reminder on a calendar @IScreamAtMichaelangelos 😳
I mean, I wouldn’t do any of it but I know that some people do forget birthdays. As I’m actually forget, rather than just not care. But nobody forgets when Xmas is.
What infantilising crap!

Well of course OPs DH will know that. However, in my experience (in work and at home), when responsibility for a task passes from one person to another, a reminder to the effect that X is due now (on the first occasion that it is due on the new person's time) is appreciated. No further reminders though, of course.

We are clearly all different! I have never got involved doing anything for ILs at all as it happens, as I didn't want to get stuck with it and DH is a grown-up....

forrestgreen · 04/09/2022 08:53

'Thankyou for your heartfelt apology'

And never forget about it. No effort from you, no meet-ups, texts, meals, cards, presents.. and no reminders for dh

Scianel · 04/09/2022 09:09

From what OP has said it sounds like MIL was complaining/talking about something that OP was going to do anyway - eg oh he needs to make sure his name is on it as well in case she shafts him, when having his name on it as as well was the plan all along. Whatever the it was. OP is that about right?

MsRosley · 04/09/2022 09:16

Is your MIL five-years-old?

Seriously OP, you're dealing with someone who is very immature. I'm glad your DH is on your side and not defending this kind of behaviour.

Seemslikeaniceday · 04/09/2022 09:19

It was a very specific comment to a real event, as in - "Darling son, I know Reagol handles the finances, but do make sure the new XYZ you're buying is in your name too and she doesn't just put it in hers."

As pp have said this is not an unreasonable comment for a parent to make to their child, particularly if they have been impacted by a divorce. It is advice I and many others would (and have) give, particularly to women, both in RL and on MN.

Scianel · 04/09/2022 09:22

At the same time though, they need to expect that it might cause offense if they imply that the spouse is not to be trusted, especially after they've been married for a long time.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 04/09/2022 09:22

Yabu to have done wife work all these years.
If dh is prepared not to have much to do with her you should have allowed that. You have been living a fake relationship with her that you conjured up yourself..
And it has backfired.
BUT now you know enjoy the peace.
When I stepped back from ils it was truly liberating.

TooHotToTangoToo · 04/09/2022 09:23

Thumbs up and step back is the way to go. If she reaches out to you for a meet up, reply back and copy in your dh, with something along the lines of 'I've passed this onto dh to arrange' and keep doing it.

youknownuthinjonsnuh · 04/09/2022 09:25

Did you reply? If not send the thumbs up! 😁 also it’s lovely to see your husband stood by you and not his mother

Ponoka7 · 04/09/2022 09:27

I wouldn't say that anyone is totally trustworthy and you know what they'd do on death or divorce. I'm in my 50's, I presume that she is older, so we've both seen how people change when money is involved. She possibly won't be upto date regarding marital assets and if the shit hits the fan, it's our children who we worry about. I'd leave her to your DH, but I don't think that she's completely wrong by her warning.

Andromachehadabadday · 04/09/2022 09:34

Nobody is completely trust worthy when it comes divorce.

anyone who leaves stuff assuming ‘oh my spouse definitely wouldn’t screw me in divorce’ is painfully naive.