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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My Ex naming his Baby the same name as our DS

154 replies

Lovelyflower · 03/09/2022 16:32

My DS Barnaby (11) is from my previous marriage (my DS was 1 at the time of our divorce). His bio father has never had much input in Barnaby’s life and only sees him averagely once every few months. Although my ex’s Mother and father have a very close relationship with Barnaby and he often spends the night with them and they help with childcare occasionally.

I met my current DP when Barnaby was 5 so he has been in Barnaby’s life for most of what he can remember (he calls my DP dad and calls his bio dad by his first name as he doesn’t have a very fatherly relationship to my DS).

My ex has been in a relationship for around 2 years I gather with a women I have only ever spoken a few words to as when I drop Barnaby at his house she never seems to be in.

I had just came to find out through my DS that my ex’s partner was pregnant (around 8 months).
So when I next called my ex to discuss when Barnaby was going to next come around to his house there was a short pause before he said that his partner had just given birth about 2 days prior to a baby boy that they named BARNEY???
I was speechless I asked him why he called his DS basically the same name as our DS Barnaby and he said that he hadn’t realised that but was not going to change it because his DP had fallen in love with the name.

Am I the only one who thinks this is wrong on many levels practically calling your son the same name as your other son and what can I actually do about this (do I just have to leave it and tell my DS that he has basically been “replaced”???!!)

OP posts:
bagpuss90 · 05/09/2022 16:49

I knew two sisters at college called Yvette and Evette . Apparently their mum liked it spelt one way , their dad the other . So they both got their way. Seriously weird

x2boys · 05/09/2022 17:03

bagpuss90 · 05/09/2022 16:49

I knew two sisters at college called Yvette and Evette . Apparently their mum liked it spelt one way , their dad the other . So they both got their way. Seriously weird

That's just odd ,i knew a Sharron and Darren siblings ,and a married couple Bernard and Bernadette ,but at least they are not exactly the same.

sweetbambi · 05/09/2022 18:31

this is just weird and tbh I would question why his partner would be ok with the name or pick it. does she really want her own child to basically be the replacement child rather then a child and person on his own with his own identity..... just too puzzling

RedHelenB · 05/09/2022 18:35

Lovelyflower · 04/09/2022 17:27

My ex’s gf just sent me a angry text after I had a word with my ex stating that if I’m so pissed at this she will change her baby’s name as he isn’t registered yet
this all makes me really uncomfortable but do I make my self seem more of a bitch and take her upon her offer and actually change it or just leave it

Yes if she's offered to.

Lovelyflower · 05/09/2022 19:27

Ex has convinced his gf to change their baby’s name (he said he is doing it for our DS which I am happy about)
she has desided to change the baby’s name to my sons second middle name (my ex’s middle name) which I don’t really find a problem with so I think it’s mostly been resolved

at this point I am just waiting for something else to come up that my ex’s gf wants to have a argument about but hopefully it won’t be for a long time 🙄

OP posts:
21reasons · 05/09/2022 19:40

His middle name? Has she not got a very good imagination for names or something? It’s still weird.

Chiwi · 05/09/2022 19:49

Does she know how many names there are? You don't have to pick the name of someone you know. Why is she being so weird??! But I suppose using his middle name is better than it was, a bit?

Lovelyflower · 05/09/2022 20:19

@Chiwi still weird to be honest the names Alister which I personally don’t think is that nice of a choice but I mean I have no place to judge her on her names (only sons middle name because of his father) - I just think it’s out of spite slightly considering her son from a previous relationship (who got taken away from her) had a name similar to blaze or Mackenzie so it is definitely a sudden change in taste of names

OP posts:
21reasons · 05/09/2022 20:22

Didn’t your ex get a say too? He must be dense as well.

ElspethTascioni · 05/09/2022 20:40

I am absolutely gobsmacked so many people think you are being unreasonable! Barney is literally the nickname for Barnaby! It’s like have DS1 called David and DS2 called Dave…super fucking weird…

TXmum3 · 05/09/2022 23:21

You're over reacting. Goodness, even suggesting that you would tell your son that he's been replaced because of a similar name is so absurd. Causing drama and trauma for something you are projecting. You know how many siblings have very similar sounding names?! So many and honestly it's none of your business anyways. Grow up and let things continue as they are.

BIGPARENT · 05/09/2022 23:23

No offence meant but it's not your family,so why does it bother you. Let them be, maybe Barnaby should feel honoured that his dad named his half brother after him.(almost) You don't have claim on people's names. Entitled much !!!

TXmum3 · 05/09/2022 23:29

Lovelyflower · 05/09/2022 19:27

Ex has convinced his gf to change their baby’s name (he said he is doing it for our DS which I am happy about)
she has desided to change the baby’s name to my sons second middle name (my ex’s middle name) which I don’t really find a problem with so I think it’s mostly been resolved

at this point I am just waiting for something else to come up that my ex’s gf wants to have a argument about but hopefully it won’t be for a long time 🙄

Girl, you are drama!

Jadebanditchillipepper · 05/09/2022 23:44

Following on from the Evette/Yvette thing, I once knew two sisters called Marianne and Anne-Marie because their parents liked the names "Anne" and "Marie" so much.

Having said that, although Barney and Barnaby are technically two separate names, one can be used as a shortened version of the other, it does seem a bit weird to call two half- brothers these two names.

But your son is 11. If I were you, I would stay out of it and make no comment (other than saying that they are different names if your son asks you) and let him draw his own conclusions. I think he will soon enough realise what his Dad is like (if he hasn't already)

Lovelyflower · 06/09/2022 09:32

@BIGPARENT why would he feel honoured about this - he’s been upset for the last few days and doesn’t understand and want to visit his dad anymore. It’s not any of my business but my sons happiness is - this could of been resulved so easy - there’s so many names out there and they had to use a clone of Barnaby’s name
THIS MAN HAS TWO SONS BARNABY AND BARNEY

OP posts:
TheGreyWitch · 07/09/2022 23:16

Sounds like the guy wants a redo! If I was you I'd skip totally past him and write a letter to the missus. Make the point out both of them that this choice now could very well impact the relationship he has with his child for the rest of their lives. Not to mention the impact it will have on baby growing up, like does he want his eldest son to hate his youngest guts? Does he want the youngest to hate both him and his mother for not coming up with something unique. Kids aren't dumb, that baby will grow up and see the difference from a young age, that baby will grow up asking why his older brother was shunned and why his name's so similar to his older brothers. That baby will eventually realize he was a do over because dad fucked up with the first. And just like the eldest will come to, baby will grow up to hate dads guts and eventually dad will have no one!

Poshjock · 08/09/2022 00:09

I went to school with brothers Jamie and Jimmy

I can't even imagine why they would do this to their new son either. He will surely question this when he begins to understand. Devastating for both boys - the gift that just keeps on giving.

Glad they have decided to change names, but I'll bet they'll use this as a stick to beat you with for a long time.

Kan30 · 08/09/2022 01:21

This is ridiculous. I don’t know why anyone on here is saying they are different names… I assume Barnaby is likely to be nicknamed Barney at some point in his life (if not already) so they are exactly the same names! It is very strange, so many names to choose from. It’s not just the older child who will be effected, the Baby will eventually question why he was not given his own unique name. I would never, I cannot understand it… (I really liked a name for my first born but as my brother in law then said he had always wanted to name his son that same name, I chose something else, that’s the sensible thing to do)
Id be asking them to question how both kids could potentially feel about it!

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 08/09/2022 01:50

Glad they have agreed to use a different name.

Krakinou · 08/09/2022 06:45

What a ridiculous situation. I feel sorry for your son that he has to spend time with these people. At least changing the name to Alister is slightly better and will avoid confusion for his grandparents. It’s also kind of a funny twist to the story - hopefully will become a sort of funny-sad anecdote for your son when he’s older rather than something that traumatises him. If I were your son I would legally remove my second middle name once new baby is registered to break the connection completely.

21reasons · 08/09/2022 09:02

It’s not even as if the names are popular. I’ve never met a Barney or Barnaby in my life (teacher for 30 years.)

Dlp21 · 10/09/2022 04:48

@Lovelyflower Your son is not being replaced. The names are not the same, as one is very different from the other. They are 2 very different children as well. DO NOT tell your son he has been replaced, but that he has a new little brother to love, and that he is a BIG brother! The children should not suffer the animosity that you and your ex have for each other. Lots of parents name thier kids names, that being with the same letters, and sometimes are close in relation. Look what George Forman did! All his boys DO have the same name! 🤦‍♀️ You need to let go of the past, enjoy your son and your NEW relationship. I wanted to name my daughter a specific name, and my ex made a nasty remark about it. She has a great name, he got remarried, had twins...1 boy 1 girl.. and named the girl EXACTLY what I wanted to name my daughter! 🤣 Its all petty bull s**t! Its not the baby's fault either. You live your life with your wonderful son, knowing you got to! Barnaby knows who was there for him! 🥰 Let your ex drown in his guilt knowing he missed out! ♥️ Let the negativity go, and keep the kids out of it! 😘 Best to your family.

BIGPARENT · 12/09/2022 17:25

I realise he has 2 sons, I read the story ! Again you can't own the rights to a name. Let them be.

BIGPARENT · 12/09/2022 17:28

THIS ISNT ABOUT YOU

LicoricePizza · 12/09/2022 19:15

BIGPARENT · 12/09/2022 17:28

THIS ISNT ABOUT YOU

No it’s about her son