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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My Ex naming his Baby the same name as our DS

154 replies

Lovelyflower · 03/09/2022 16:32

My DS Barnaby (11) is from my previous marriage (my DS was 1 at the time of our divorce). His bio father has never had much input in Barnaby’s life and only sees him averagely once every few months. Although my ex’s Mother and father have a very close relationship with Barnaby and he often spends the night with them and they help with childcare occasionally.

I met my current DP when Barnaby was 5 so he has been in Barnaby’s life for most of what he can remember (he calls my DP dad and calls his bio dad by his first name as he doesn’t have a very fatherly relationship to my DS).

My ex has been in a relationship for around 2 years I gather with a women I have only ever spoken a few words to as when I drop Barnaby at his house she never seems to be in.

I had just came to find out through my DS that my ex’s partner was pregnant (around 8 months).
So when I next called my ex to discuss when Barnaby was going to next come around to his house there was a short pause before he said that his partner had just given birth about 2 days prior to a baby boy that they named BARNEY???
I was speechless I asked him why he called his DS basically the same name as our DS Barnaby and he said that he hadn’t realised that but was not going to change it because his DP had fallen in love with the name.

Am I the only one who thinks this is wrong on many levels practically calling your son the same name as your other son and what can I actually do about this (do I just have to leave it and tell my DS that he has basically been “replaced”???!!)

OP posts:
ChangedItToThis · 04/09/2022 14:38

Lovelyflower · 04/09/2022 14:33

I’m completely outraged right now after dropping off the clothes at ex’s house they introduced the baby as Barney Jay (last name) BARNABY’S FIRST MIDDLE NAME IS JAMES so I did raise my eyebrows a bit and he tried to start a argument saying “if you don’t like the name we chose that’s weird as it’s so similar to Barnaby’s name” HE BLOODY KNOWS THAT THEY ARE BOTH BASICALLY THE SAME NAME

If Jay is their last name they can't really do much about that just because your son's middle name is James can they?

ChangedItToThis · 04/09/2022 14:41

DappledThings · 03/09/2022 23:52

In what way would either of these be an issue? I would think absolutely nothing wrong with someone having one child called Henry and one called Harry. They are completely different names, they literally just start with the same letter. Same with Jacob and James!
Harry is a traditional nickname for Henry. Hence Prince Harry who is really Henry. Jacob is an older form of James. The Jacobeans being called that because they were supporters of James.

Same as Barney and Barnaby, they have the same root and I would find a bit odd and silly brothers being named that way but not offensive.

Harry is still a name in its own right though. Just because some may use it as a nickname of Henry doesn't change that. They are still separate names.

I've known quite a few Harry's and none of them are actually called Henry. Likewise I know two Henry's and neither of them use Harry as a nickname.

Id think it worse if it were Harry and Harrison, but I wouldn't think anything wrong of Harry and Henry as they are separate names.

NorthernLights5 · 04/09/2022 14:43

I’m completely outraged right now after dropping off the clothes at ex’s house they introduced the baby as Barney Jay (last name) BARNABY’S FIRST MIDDLE NAME IS JAMES so I did raise my eyebrows a bit and he tried to start a argument saying “if you don’t like the name we chose that’s weird as it’s so similar to Barnaby’s name” HE BLOODY KNOWS THAT THEY ARE BOTH BASICALLY THE SAME NAME

Is Jay the middle name or last name? Either way it's creepy.

ChangedItToThis · 04/09/2022 14:44

Jacob is an older form of James. The Jacobeans being called that because they were supporters of James

And whilst this may be the case, I don't think anyone is going to do a double take at you calling your children Jacob and James because the Jacobeans were supporters of James. In this day and age, they are separate names.

IncompleteSenten · 04/09/2022 14:45

You should have said yes it is. That's what's weird. Don't you want your second child to have his own identity?

ChangedItToThis · 04/09/2022 14:45

NorthernLights5 · 04/09/2022 14:43

I’m completely outraged right now after dropping off the clothes at ex’s house they introduced the baby as Barney Jay (last name) BARNABY’S FIRST MIDDLE NAME IS JAMES so I did raise my eyebrows a bit and he tried to start a argument saying “if you don’t like the name we chose that’s weird as it’s so similar to Barnaby’s name” HE BLOODY KNOWS THAT THEY ARE BOTH BASICALLY THE SAME NAME

Is Jay the middle name or last name? Either way it's creepy.

OP said last name so I'm assuming it may be the mother's last name (as surely she already knew her exes last name) If so, why shouldn't she be able to give her baby her last name because of OPs son's middle name?

ChangedItToThis · 04/09/2022 14:47

I agree with OP about the Barney and Barnaby. But couldn't get worked up about the Jay and James.

My step children and our children all have similar middle names on purpose. Not first names but the middle names all follow a similar pattern (not literally the same name) and that was done on purpose.

DappledThings · 04/09/2022 14:48

ChangedItToThis · 04/09/2022 14:44

Jacob is an older form of James. The Jacobeans being called that because they were supporters of James

And whilst this may be the case, I don't think anyone is going to do a double take at you calling your children Jacob and James because the Jacobeans were supporters of James. In this day and age, they are separate names.

Indeed. I was just explaining it as a PP said Jacob and James and someone asked what the connection between them was.

It depends on your experience though. To me Barney and Barnaby are much more separate names than Harry and Henry are. Harry will always be a pet name for Henry to me as that how I first heard it. Barney and Barnaby I think of as similar but different.

DontSpeakLatinInFrontOfTheBooks · 04/09/2022 14:49

Same thing happened to a friend of mine. Parents divorced, dad remarried and had another family and gave one of the children from second marriage the exact same first, middle and surname. The father was still in contact with children first marriage and had sporadic contact with them. No idea what fuck he was thinking regarding the name. I had wondered whether he did it to piss off his ex (was acrimonious split) but that doesn’t excuse the upset and confusion he caused.

Vikinga · 04/09/2022 14:51

Bloody weird!! Many people don't choose names when they have close friends with those names, never mind your own child having the same name!!

Lovelyflower · 04/09/2022 14:52

@ChangedItToThis sorry I worded that wrong Jay is the middle name

OP posts:
FeedMeSantiago · 04/09/2022 15:47

So your ex has his DS with you, who has two middle names plus his first name and exes surname? So Barnaby James other middle name surname

Ex now has a new DS with new partner called Barney Jay surname

I'd say that was pretty deliberate.

Lovelyflower · 04/09/2022 17:27

My ex’s gf just sent me a angry text after I had a word with my ex stating that if I’m so pissed at this she will change her baby’s name as he isn’t registered yet
this all makes me really uncomfortable but do I make my self seem more of a bitch and take her upon her offer and actually change it or just leave it

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 04/09/2022 17:35

I'd reply it's your choice but that's what I'd do if my partner already had a child with practically the same name. I wouldn't want my child to feel they were a do-over of their older brother.

LicoricePizza · 04/09/2022 17:50

I would - even though the damage has already been done (to your son).
I would stress it’s for your son’s benefit & not because it makes you “uncomfortable”.
Turn it around & ask if she would be “comfortable” if her son (now being a mother) was made to feel excluded if he had a step mum doing the same??

To maybe get her to empathise (if that’s even possible) as opposed to being trying to make you appear to be the unreasonable one.
Spell it out what using the same name means as opposed to assuming she understands how unfair it is on your son (as she appears incapable). That way you’re also calling her out on her behaviour & saying that you see it & disapprove of it.

If she tries to make you that bad person or the bitch so be it. You know you’re not. There are other names. And she probably only “likes” those ones for obvious & pretty twisted reasons.
Good luck.

Potentialscroogeincognito · 04/09/2022 17:58

This is so odd.

i would reply saying you thought it was so strange and quite frankly ridiculous that they would name THEIR child the exact same name of a child he already has and is a parent too and that everyone knows that’s the 11 year olds name and we’re they not concerned about that. I would tell her you find it appalling she deliberately excludes your son anyway and tell her what’s she’s been doing and this is moving into crazy territory. Copy message to ex also and tell him you are officially letting him know that he is harming his son and you need to have a discussion about their relationship moving forward because you will not sit back and watch him be emotionally damaged by him and his batshit Mrs.

StoneofDestiny · 04/09/2022 18:20

I'd tell them both that it's grossly insensitive to give their child almost the same name as your son. There are thousands of names to choose and to pick one that detracts from your sons uniqueness is appalling. The pair of them must be mindless!

LizzyMay · 05/09/2022 02:39

Well I truly understand how you feel...My ex called his daughter the exact same name and exact same spelling which I spelt a little different. His child was also born in the same month as her birthday was a week after my daughters...I was just devastated and couldn't think of a more hurtful thing and it still hurts after all these years....My two daughters don't want anything to do with the half sister but my son thinks she's great. My Ex said the wife called the child that and it was nothing to do with him what a joke....This girl has the audacity to tell me I shouldn't use my ex surname seeing Im not married to him anymore I have used this name longer than my birth name and in Australia we usually keep the married name as our children have this name....
..If I was her I would have changed my name as soon as I was old enough...

21reasons · 05/09/2022 06:08

Let her change it then and don’t feel bad. She will do what she wants to do anyway.

LizzyMay how extremely weird.

ClottedCreamAndStrawberries · 05/09/2022 08:34

It’s similar but it’s not the same. My ex did similar though. We ended up having a boy but had we had a girl, she was going to be called Amy Eva. When I chucked him out, his next girlfriend had a girl called Eva. He was desperate for our son to be called Alistair. The son he had with yet another woman has the middle name…Alistair. Weird.

chocolatemademefat · 05/09/2022 08:49

They’re two different names. You chose a name for your son - now she’s done the same for hers. This has nothing to do with you - and suggesting to your son that he has been replaced is nasty and childish. Stop throwing your toys out of the pram because you know you’re not going to get your own way - isn’t your life busy enough with three children? Don’t be that ex who tries to spoil what should be a lovely time in their lives.

CrisisCrunchie · 05/09/2022 08:58

YANBU at all.. I’ve dealt with the same with my DD (think Emma & Emily).. I was so annoyed about it, especially as he hadn’t actually bothered to see (or pay for) my DD for over a decade by the time this child was born 🙄

contrary13 · 05/09/2022 10:05

Way back in the mists of time, my grandmother was having an affair with a married man, and got pregnant with my mother. In an effort to get him to leave his wife and their young children (I think the oldest was 5 and the youngest 2 at the time this was going on), she named my mother "after" the daughter he had with his wife - think Jane and Janet. Needless to say, her ploy didn't work (so she ended up lying to my mother about who her actual father was for years, despite him being "a friend" who would spend time with her as a child, then later on with my brothers and me - we only found out definitively last year, after I took an Ancestry DNA test). My mother - who was interested in who our ancestors were up until this point - was deeply hurt to discover that, essentially, her name was "not really [her] own" and has refused to participate in any contact with the half-siblings whom she's never actually met (I have, though, as I was taken to visit my adoptive grandfather's "friend" once a week, every week, every time I stayed with them until I was 13 or 14... 'Jane's children and I used to play together if she/they were visiting her parents at the same time of our visits, whilst my oldest brother's son is best friends with one of 'Jane's grandsons!).

Names are important, no matter how old we are. Okay, so there are going to be others in the world with the same name as us... but how often do we actually meet them? Never mind share a parent with them. My mother is in her 70s and was really keen on our family tree - until she discovered that she not only had half-siblings... but that her half-sister's name is almost the same as hers! That's a wound she will carry for the remainder of her life, and it's been awful to witness, as her (protective) child. My grandmother is in her 90s and when asked, when told that we knew the two girls had been given what was, essentially, the same name - was that my biological grandfather's doing... she admitted that no, it was all her, that she wanted him to know that he could "replace" those little children he had with his wife, with my mother.

So this sort of thing has been going on for years - and I think it's infinitely weird. I thought it was peculiar when my ex-boyfriend named his oldest child very similarly to my oldest (not his), but it's worse, i think, when a parent essentially discards the older child in favour of the new one, namewise. But, OP, this may not be your ex's doing... it actually might be his current partner who has given their individually precious newborn a name derived from the older half-brother's, through jealousy. Maybe your ex reminicises about your family set-up, or your son has spoken "too" glowingly of you in her presence, and her jealousy's kicked in to a point where she imagines that she can replace Barnaby with Barney. Ideally, she needs to be reminded of the damage that this will do to her step-son, long term (my mother will never get over the hurt and confusion she feels, for example), or your ex needs to expect a hefty therapy bill for both his sons at some point in the future when Barney works out that there was already a Barnaby when he was born!

I'd take him up on his offer to rename the baby (he may already want to, this may not have been his doing) but I'd also explain the damage her choice of name might well be doing to Barnaby - and, in years to come, if she doesnt change her baby's name, to her own child, My mother will never forgive my grandmother, will probably never meet. her half-siblings, will hurt for the rest of her life. And she was the Barney in this situation!

NorthernLights5 · 05/09/2022 16:00

OP said last name so I'm assuming it may be the mother's last name (as surely she already knew her exes last name) If so, why shouldn't she be able to give her baby her last name because of OPs son's middle name? Lol I didn't say she shouldn't love. It's just weird to give almost the exact same name.

MimiSunshine · 05/09/2022 16:20

I would reply to get but I wouldn’t focus on your son and the harm it could cause him as I doubt she gives a shit about that.

id just say, well everyone is going to think it’s weird just have chosen almost the exact same name / two nickname variants of your ex ‘a son / your stepsons name for your baby.
But up to you…

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